The World’s Best Skiing Jokes

‘That’s the man who caused the injury.’

‘He’s showing a lot of concern,’ commented the doctor.

‘Not really,’ replied the ambulance man. ‘He wants his ski pole back!’

At the recent Winter Olympics the Irish downhill champion broke his leg in two places: once at the top of the run and once at the bottom.

Very early one morning at a ski resort a beginner went out to practise a few moves on his own without any onlookers. He was making slow and shaky progress when suddenly he was struck by a piste basher.

As he lay in hospital, legs in plaster, arms and head bandaged, one of his friends called to see him.

‘You know,’ advised his friend, ‘you should sue for damages.’

‘I don’t want damages,’ replied the injured skier. ‘I want repairs!’

The ski instructor was talking to a class of beginners and was giving them a history of skiing.

‘The “Hoting Ski”, which was found in Sweden, is believed to be over four thousand years old,’ explained the instructor. ‘It is generally accepted that this ski was mainly used for hunting but sport has not been ruled out. I imagine any sport in which they would have taken part would have been very different from what we know today. Tell me, can anyone suggest two other ancient sports?’

‘Certainly,’ answered one would-be skier. ‘Antony and Cleopatra?’

A doctor was explaining his surgery methods to his new assistant.

‘When a young person comes to the surgery and is suffering from stress, I ask if he or she skis. If the answer is “yes”, I advise them to stop at once. If the answer is “no”, I advise them to start as soon as possible.’

‘I believe you had a terrible fall,’ observed a concerned skier when he met his friend.

‘Indeed I did. Someone stole my skis,’ came the sad reply.

‘Stole your skis? Then how did you fall?’ queried the puzzled man.

‘They stole them while I was in the middle of a jump!’

‘Is it true you had glass skis made for your wife?’ asked Alan.

‘Quite true,’ answered Tony.

‘Glass skis? But why glass?’ questioned Alan.

‘So when she knocks someone down and skis over them, she’ll see who it is!’

The two girls arrived at the resort for their first skiing holiday. They had a lot of luggage and immediately started to unpack when they reached their hotel room.

New ski suits, gloves, hats, boots, goggles, underclothes, soft boots, dresses, blouses, skirts, sweaters, shoes, coats, sun cream, lip salve, cameras, a video on skiing and make-up soon covered the bed.

As they stood looking at the collection of clothing and various other items one girl suddenly exclaimed, ‘Oh, bother! We’ve forgotten to bring our skis!’

Desmond was enjoying his cross-country run when he heard the shouts and screams of a girl. He immediately headed in the direction of the cries. When he reached the scene he saw a girl lying on the ground and a man trying to stick her skis in the snow in the shape of a cross.

‘What’s happening?’ shouted Desmond.

‘This girl has had an accident and I’m marking the spot with her skis,’ replied the man.

‘You stupid bugger,’ cried Desmond. ‘You’re supposed to take them off first!’

‘Oh, I’m so thrilled,’ cried the girl. ‘My husband has just broken the record for the Irish ski jump. Has your husband broken anything in skiing?’

‘He most certainly has,’ answered the second girl. ‘His collarbone, his right arm, both his legs and his left wrist!’

‘Hello, George,’ greeted David as he met his friend. ‘Were you on the piste this afternoon?’

‘Afraid not. Haven’t had a drink since last night,’ replied George.

A skier came off the jump and executed a long and graceful flight through the air, only to land slightly short of the leader.

‘Dammit!’ he snorted in anger. ‘If only I’d farted harder.’

‘Why didn’t your husband join us?’ asked one skier as Joan met up with the group.

‘Oh, when he heard it was a dry slope he didn’t want to come as he thought he wouldn’t get a drink,’ replied Joan.

The two bystanders watched as the world-famous cricketer, David Gower, completed the slalom course.

‘He’s not a bad skier,’ commented one man.

‘Not as good a skier as he is a cricketer,’ countered the second man.

‘Ah, but that’s a completely different ball game,’ defended the first man.

The girl very gingerly made her way to the nursery slope, taking her time to avoid a false move.

‘Good morning,’ said an instructor. ‘This is a new experience for you, isn’t it?’

‘Yes, indeed it is,’ replied the girl.

‘Would I be right in saying that this was your very first time to ski?’ asked the instructor.

‘You would be quite right,’ answered the girl. ‘How did you know it was my first time?’

‘You have your skis on back to front,’ smiled the instructor.

The two women met in the gift shop at a ski resort and one greeted the other. ‘Hello, Mary, I hear your husband had an accident and is in hospital.’

‘Yes, he went off pissed and took a tumble,’ replied the wife.

‘You mean “off-piste”?’

‘Oh no, I don’t.’