The World’s Best Skiing Jokes

‘Oh,’ remarked the other woman, ‘I wondered why she called her first son Dick.’

‘Did you enjoy your skiing holiday,’ enquired Joan.

‘Oh yes, it was wonderful,’ enthused Jean.

‘And what about your husband? Has he improved since you taught him to ski last year?’ went on Joan.

‘Indeed he has improved,’ exclaimed Jean. ‘This year he only broke one leg.’

‘What do you get if you cross one ski with another ski?’ asked Charles.

‘I don’t know. What do you get if you cross one ski with another ski?’ queried Andy.

‘A bloody broken leg,’ replied Charles.

Sir Anthony Hopkins, the Oscar-winning actor, went on a skiing holiday to Switzerland and one day he went for a cross-country trek alone. He was enjoying the solitude and possibly thinking of winning another Oscar when he hit an icy patch and fell, injuring his ankle. He was unable to put any weight on his foot so skiing and walking were both out of the question. He knew he couldn’t crawl the distance in the snow and was pondering on his next action when a St Bernard rescue dog trotted up beside him and licked his face. Sir Anthony heaved himself on to the back of the dog, which set off in a homeward direction.

Suddenly the weather deteriorated, a snowstorm broke and visibility was nil, yet the dog struggled on through the snow. Eventually Sir Anthony spotted a light and guided the dog to it.

When they finally reached the light, which was coming from a lodge, both the actor and the dog were exhausted. Sir Anthony knocked loudly on the door, which was opened by a hatchet-faced woman.

‘What do you want?’ she asked in an unpleasant voice.

‘We need help, madam. Look, this poor dog is completely exhausted, he has carried me for miles. I have an injured ankle and we haven’t eaten or had anything to drink for hours,’ gasped Sir Anthony.

‘Well, you can’t stay here,’ snarled the woman. ‘This lodge is for women only.’

‘But surely, madam, surely,’ pleaded Sir Anthony, ‘you wouldn’t turn a knight out on a dog like this?’

The girl was about to make her first ski jump and was feeling very apprehensive. ‘Are you sure’, she asked her instructor, ‘that I’m ready to make this jump?’

‘I wouldn’t let you try the jump if I didn’t think you could do it,’ replied the instructor with a confident smile.

‘I hope you’re right,’ replied the girl nervously.

‘Of course I’m right,’ assured the instructor. ‘Just what is worrying you?’

‘It’s just that period in the air, after I jump and before I land,’ said the girl. ‘Sort of suspended in midair.’

‘Don’t worry about that,’ encouraged the instructor, patting the girl’s shoulder. ‘I’ve never left anyone up there yet.’

The man was lying in a hospital bed, completely swathed in bandages and plaster. A doctor was standing beside the bed filling in a chart when a man walked in to the ward.

‘May I speak to Eric, doctor?’ asked the visitor.

‘Who are you?’ asked the doctor.

‘I’m his skiing companion. I was with him when he had the accident.’

‘Is it important?’

‘Well, it is bad news,’ replied the man.

‘You’re telling me’, exclaimed the doctor, ‘that you have bad news for a man who has broken practically every bone in his body?’

‘Yes, he broke his skis as well!’

The two girls were discussing skiing and how much they would like to go to a ski resort when their aunt overheard them.

‘Girls,’ warned their aunt, ‘you must be very careful if you go skiing. Some years ago I went skiing and injured myself so badly I could never ski again.’

‘Oh, that was terrible,’ said one girl.

‘Indeed it was,’ agreed the other girl, tugging her ear thoughtfully. ‘Tell me, Auntie, what did you do with your skis?’

‘Darling,’ shouted Rodney as he charged into the house, ‘I have just been speaking to Fred and he suggested we should have another skiing holiday like last year; the four of us, you, Jill, Fred and me. What do you think?’