The World’s Best Skiing Jokes

The World’s Best Skiing Jokes
Ernest Forbes

You’re not properly equipped without The World’s Best Skiing Jokes!On the piste or in the bar, planning a skiing trip or tripping off your skis, this look at the lighter side of skiing is essential reading for dedicated snow-addicts and armchair skiers alike.

Copyright (#ulink_50c3888a-719c-5df3-959a-b9a0613756ba)

HarperCollinsPublishers

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First published in paperback by HarperCollinsPublishers in 1993

Copyright © Ernest Forbes 1993

Illustrations copyright © Graham Morris 1993

Ernest Forbes asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

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Source ISBN: 9780006382461

Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008192037

Version: 2016-06-20

Author’s Note (#ulink_7cbabb94-69cb-5efe-bdc8-9bf70a9e7be7)

Had it been intended that man should ski – when I say man I use it collectively to embrace all members of the human race and politicians – we would have been born with feet which grew lengthways to equal our height.

Skiing is definitely for the birds.

I’m glad I haven’t to ski until tomorrow.

It is alleged that tall persons make better skiers and this book is guaranteed to increase your height …

… if you stand on it!

Contents

Cover (#udaa19edf-2cd3-54f9-ab63-6c76f77dc743)

Title Page (#u0adb3a86-1406-5fcf-8650-937a54794f99)

Copyright (#ulink_239b5065-314a-5afa-beee-0a3fa69f8a3e)

Author’s Note (#ulink_40593a5c-4ad3-5330-9516-6692c6d177be)

The World’s Best Skiing Jokes (#ulink_f18f9429-0a43-5a76-8481-be57b47bf7e7)

Keep Reading (#litres_trial_promo)

Also in the Series (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

The World’s Best Skiing Jokes (#ulink_e9eb0c1a-ea0f-5a4e-b1cc-678be904a302)

‘Why the hell did you write that insurance policy for a 96-year-old man going on a skiing holiday?’ shouted the manager at the travel clerk.

‘Well,’ said the clerk, ‘I checked the records and no one of that age has ever had a skiing accident.’

The skier came to a stop at the end of the run and threw his poles, hat and gloves to the ground as he snorted in disgust, ‘I’ve never skied so badly before!’

‘Oh,’ probed an interested instructor, ‘you mean to say you’ve skied before?’

‘What the hell happened to Graham this afternoon when he was jumping?’ asked Ken. ‘He left the jump in a perfect position then all of a sudden he went to pieces. Arms and legs all over the place, then down with a thump.’

‘Well,’ answered Tim, shaking his head in disbelief, ‘in the middle of the jump his mobile phone rang and the silly bugger tried to answer it!’

The sports shop had a large sign: ‘50 PER CENT OFF ALL SPORTING EQUIPMENT.’

A man walked into the shop and, indicating the sign, asked the assistant, ‘Does that apply to skis?’

‘It does,’ replied the assistant.

‘Good,’ acknowledged the man and took out his chequebook, whereupon the assistant handed him one ski.

‘My instructor says I would be a great skier except for two things,’ announced a woman to her companion.

‘Oh,’ said the other woman, ‘what are they?’

‘My feet,’ came the reply.

The ski instructress was talking to a class of beginners and explaining to them the various signs they would encounter in the sport.

‘Signs at present are not universal,’ pointed out the instructress. ‘The colours and shapes of the signs are different in America, Europe and Australia. Some places have square signs, some diamond-shaped, some circles and some use balls. The only common factor is the colour black and that indicates the most difficult runs. Now, from what I have said, could anyone tell me where I would find black circles?’

‘In Europe,’ replied one man.

‘Very good,’ nodded the instructress. ‘Now, where would I find black diamonds?’