It’s Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life

I was supposed to get married two Christmasesago to my boyfriend of three years but about sixmonths before the wedding he changed his mind. Hesaid he didn’t think he was in love with me. He’s notwith anyone else but I can’t get past the idea thatthere’s something wrong with me. Why else would hebreak our engagement to be alone?

Kate

Bath, England

Dear Wedding Crashed,

It sucks to get dumped when you thought youhad your whole life worked out but what he actuallydid was the excellent service of not marrying youwhen he recognized that he wasn’t in love with you.Despite what may have been in the past, thingschange and it sucks. However it also means that youwere released to move on to your next great thingbut you are holding up the bus by blaming yourself,sinking your self-esteem and being an all-roundbummer. The only thing wrong with you is that youcan’t see your value and that’s going to take somework, possibly even counseling, but it’s time torevisit the girl you were when you were at yourbest. Possibly right before you met the weddingsmasher. Hang in there Hot Stuff, your story ain’tover yet.

But What If I Can’t Rebuild My Self-Esteem?

Dear Greg,

My last boyfriend cheated on me with some girlfrom his office. The boyfriend before that cheated onme with a mutual friend and the boyfriend I hadbefore that was just an asshole. I don’t know why, butI stayed with all of these men for long after I hadidentified their problems. I don’t know how to rebuildmy self-esteem after so many blows to the ego.

Claire

Minneapolis, MN

Dear Loser Magnet,

Holy smokes! You do have the winning ticket tothe loser lotto. Do you know the phrase “Waterseeks it’s own level”? The same goes for losers. Thatdoesn’t mean that I’m calling you a loser but what Iam saying is that you are comfortable with them andyou allow them to be the losers they are in yourcompany. What that does mean is that there’ssomething in your mechanics that tells you that youdon’t deserve better than this and whatever that isneeds a fixing. To rebuild your self-esteem you needto surround yourself with people that make you feelgood and bring out the best in you, take care of yourwell-being without exception and line up some tinyvictories. It’s only when you get to the place whereyou think you’re worthy of a good relationship thatyou’ll find one. So kick the losers to the curb and getsome help for whatever’s ailing your self-worth.

But What If I Do Like Myself?

Dear Greg,

I’m 42 years old, I own my own company, I have alot of great friends, a great relationship with my familyand I’ve lost over a hundred pounds in the past yearso I’m in fantastic shape for the first time in my life. Inother words I’m not f@#ked up. But I’m starting to feellike I’m going to spend my life alone. I go to clubs,bars, cocktail parties, dog parks, you name it but noone seems to notice me and I can’t get asked out.What do I do? I’m really lost in this part of my life.

Anika

Ft Lauderdale, FL

Dear Weighed Down,

Firstly, congratulations on doing so many thingsright in your life and taking control of your healthand weight. Bravo to you. Here’s what I think ishappening, you’re used to being overweight andprobably have been overweight your whole life. Soeven though you like yourself and have shed theextra pounds you still feel like the fat girl andprobably carry yourself as such. That means you’reprojecting old ideas about yourself onto the newyou and taking those out into the world and peoplerespond thusly. People aren’t noticing you becauseyou don’t feel noteworthy still. So let’s stop thatbusiness right now because you didn’t do all of thatwork to lose. If it means standing in front of themirror every day or leaving yourself a voicemessage that says, “I am now a new person, haveyou seen my butt?” then do it, because like everyperson reading this you’re great and you deserve tobe in a great relationship, but it will only happennot only if you like yourself and feel worthy of it butalso project that out into the world as well.

But What If There’s Nothing To Like?

Dear Greg,

What’s wrong with me, why can’t I catch a break? Ialways get “downsized” at jobs, dumped after the firstdate or completely overlooked because my bestfriend is prettier than me. I’m the person that has tobe thankful for bad luck otherwise I’d have no luck atall. Now there’s this guy who I really like and he onlyknows me as the girl who dropped her new phone inthe toilet at work. Why would he even like me muchless want to go out with me? For once I just wishsomething good would happen to the girl standingnext to the pretty girl.

Florence

Quebec, Canada

Hey Flo,

Hard on yourself much? Look, being clumsy isfine, in fact it can be cute, but being clumsy orhaving bad luck is not your problem. You’retreading water in a personal crisis because don’teven kind of like yourself or think you deserve goodthings. If you’re running for the title in the MissVictim Of Her Own Life you definitely have a goodshot but I’d suggest you step down from thatpageant and try to get involved in the Miss I LikeMyself competition. And by the way, who cares ifyour best friend is prettier than you and why is itthat you like her better than you like yourself? Ifyou want anyone including the guy at work to likeyou, you have to start liking yourself first. As for thecatching a break part, you have to make your ownbreaks and optimize those before the universe willstart dropping them at your feet. So next time youdrop your mobile phone down the toilet just turn tothe guy you like at work and playfully say, “Whichdo you think is hotter, that I dropped my phone inthe toilet or that I went in after it?” Or “I’d offeryou my phone so you can call my voicemail to askme out but it’s on vacation in the ladies’ room.” Beconfident, have a sense of humor about life’s littletrials and see if you can’t give yourself a break!

FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE

But What If It’s Not Me It’s Them?

Dear Greg,

Women never like me so dating sucks. I’m theassistant manager of a small women’s boutique so I’maround women all the time and I overhear theirconversations about men. You should hear the load ofcrap they say. They talk about not caring if guys havemoney and just wanting to be taken out on a realdate. And then in the next sentence they talk abouttheir expensive dates with the guys with money goingto a fancy restaurant in town. They’re all phonies.Where’s the girl who is going to be super excited togo out for McRibbs with me in my Honda when shecould be out with some guy with money and a coolcar? Seriously f*#k it.

Brad

Fargo, ND

Dear Bad Braditude,

I hear you and I get what you are saying and Ithink you are right. You don’t have enough money,so give up and stop dating altogether, then you’llhave more time to pick out the small apartmentwhere you are destined to die alone. (Make sure ithas no windows or a view of the alley where thedumpsters are.) Or you can A) not worry about girlswho are only interested in guys with money, B)figure out ways to be creative with the money youhave and C) figure what kind of life you want tohave. But before you do all that I’d say you shouldtake a good long look at how you feel aboutwomen because from your letter it seems like youhate all of them as well as yourself. With all duerespect I don’t know anyone that would sign upwith someone with that attitude and lack of self-esteem. You’re surrounded by women all day—that’s a giant opportunity that not all guys have andif you took advantage of it and learned how to becharming and funny instead of pissed off at all thewomen you’re surrounded by you’d probably be inhigh demand for dates instead of being rejected bythem. And by the way there are far more attractivethings than money, like for instance confidence. Youshould try to get some of that. It’ll get you furtherin life than a wad of cash.

THE CHICK THAT ROCKED IT

I’m not going to pretend that I’ve never been the kind of guy that doesn’t take advantage of a good opportunity with girls. I don’t know if it’s a “Daddy” thing or what but some girls let you walk all over them or treat them like shit. When we were still in college the guys would all sit around and compare notes about it. So after college I expected that it would probably be different once I was in the business world working with professionals instead of sorority girls. But even the most successful women are so starved for male attention that they’ll let you go all the way without even promising them a phone call. It’s wild. So I was riding the wave of no strings attached for many years until I met Susan. Susan wasn’t having any of my bullshit and wasn’t even kind of amused by it. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out what it was that made her different but I was so fascinated by her. She was smart, sexy and confident, which is great, but I had been with women like that before. She was pretty-ish but had a good size nose that she should have been self-conscious about but wasn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and she couldn’t care less about me. I tell you I have never worked so hard for a first, second or third date as I did to get Susan to go out with me. The more time I spent with her the more I was intrigued by her, but it wasn’t until years later when we were living together that I finally figured out why she was different from every girl I had ever dated before. She liked herself and didn’t need my approval in the slightest bit. So I married her before she could realize that I lacked those qualities myself and I hope that I somehow get to learn them from her before she figures me out. Why women settle for scraps I’ll never understand, but as long as they do guys are happy to reap the benefits from it.

Tim

Denver, CO

IT WORKED FOR ME!

I met you guys at a singles mixer for “It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken” in Seattle. During a Q&A session I told you about my last relationship with a verbally abusive man and the subsequent breakup of it and you were both very supportive of my decision to leave (a decision I was regretting at the time). When you spoke to me one of you said that I didn’t think I deserved anything better than being in an abusive relationship and I told you that you were wrong. You continued to challenge me on that idea and it really hurt my feelings because I like to think of myself as a pretty together person who likes herself. But when I got home that night I looked at the pictures in frames around my house, seeing images of myself as a little girl with my parents and at various stages of my life and I burst into tears. I cried for a long time and it was a therapeutic crying jag but during it, or maybe what caused it, was the realization that you were right. If I really felt like I deserved better I wouldn’t have stood for the abuse as long as I did and it wouldn’t have been hard to leave. So it’s a few years later now and I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself and seeing a therapist to try to figure out why I constantly compromise myself for others that wouldn’t do the same for me. I feel like a different person, a clearer person and a more confident and valuable person. Today I’m happy to write to you to tell you that I’ve met a wonderful man who loves and reveres me as much as I do myself and we’re getting married this fall. (Please see the enclosed invitation.) I hope you can attend because you really did change my life, but no need to bring a gift as you’ve already given me one.

Mavis

Kirkland, WA

FIRST PERSON SINGLE by Amiira

I settled for pieces of the pie for a long time in my romantic history. If there was a guy with only few of the qualities I was looking for but loads of the ones I wasn’t, then I was on board! Or better yet, if there was a guy who wasn’t ready to commit but could muster up just enough effort to string me along, then sign me up! That’s my man! But don’t tell him he’s my man because it might scare him off. Anything that felt bad and made me insecure was worth the effort because if I could just get the person who doesn’t love me to love me then I would know for sure that I am good enough. Good enough for what? Seriously. What is it that I’m looking for and why do I think that this asshole that makes me feel less than or inadequate is not only better than me but has the answers? Why does someone else hold the key to my self-esteem? That’s the revelation I finally had after yet another disappointing quasi-relationship with someone who had such bad qualities that it was almost comical. It takes one of those to give you the proverbial smack up side the head so that you can give your brain a good shake and get all the self-loathing out. You have to continually hit the reset button on your life to make you consciously start making better choices because no one else can do it for you. Look, it’s hard to be in a relationship where there’s an imbalance of feelings. I know it because I’ve been on both sides of that imbalance and neither of them is really that comfortable. At least when you’re the one least invested you don’t feel the panic and inadequacy of when you’re on the losing end of the “Please Love Me Enough” equation. But being uncomfortable in your relationship is symptomatic of not only that you’re in the wrong relationship but that you aren’t in a good space with yourself. Continuing to be in bad relationships where you feel not good enough, unloved, and insecure or anything other than consistently great is like having a gambling addiction. Every day thinking the next will be the turning point where things will stabilize and be great is the same thing as thinking that the next hand of cards is going to make you the big winner when in fact you’re just slowly giving yourself away. It’s denial in a truly profound sense because you participate in it daily and you know it even if it’s only on a gut level that shows itself in the discomfort you feel being riddled with self-doubt.

It’s hard to say why it took me so long to like myself enough to gracefully refrain from engaging in self-doubting relationships, but once I had figured it out it was an undeniable truth that I could not turn back from. No one knows better than I do about me and because of that I don’t need anyone to validate me. I am free. I am powerful. I am worthy. I am lovable. And people around me know that Iknow that about myself. It only took me ten years to get there but because I got there I found the best relationship for me and now I get the rest of my life to feel good.

THOUGHTS FROM MAN CITY

What attracts a man to a woman? Cleavage! The End.

Okay that’s not really what I want to say. It’s really an almost impossible question to answer. Probably because the answer lies in what each individual man is looking for. There are things we know for sure, sex appeal is very high if not at the top of the list. Men are visual creatures (see the Internet for details). Confidence is also high on our list because it can almost completely make up for any shortcomings a person has in the looks department. Then there are things like personal style, work ethic (yes, contrary to popular belief some men like a woman they have to compete with), religious beliefs and favorite bands. But my note to you ladies is, WHO GIVES A SHIT? Finding out what we like won’t help you unless you like it too. If you want to be in a great relationship then I suggest having a great relationship with yourself. We are only going to like you if you like you, and if you don’t we can tell. And some of us will prey on those weaknesses for our own pleasure. Do I have to explain or do you get it? When you compromise your values or your needs for our pleasure or attention we will always sense it and eventually leave. It works both ways. Anytime I ever gave up who I was to procure sex or attention it always ended badly (see It’sCalled A Breakup Because It’s Broken for further details). The only reason a person compromises themselves is because they don’t feel strongly enough about themselves and are looking for another person to fix it for them either sexually or emotionally. That’s why it is imperative that you get to a place where you like yourself even if just for the added bonus of weeding out the creeps.

DATING FORTUNE COOKIE

Sexy beats cute, smart takes sexy, funny wins the pot … and confidence body-slams them all.