It’s Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life

I went on this fabulous first date with a sportswriter. This was on a Monday. I felt we reallyconnected. We both like South Western cooking, theoutdoors and especially camping. He actually saidsomething like, “We should go camping sometime.”Which I thought was both promising and sweet. So Isaid, “… let me check my schedule.” We laughedabout it. Two nights later her took me to a baseballgame and the night after that we went dancing. Bothtimes he brought up the camping thing, even sayingmaybe we could go that weekend. I told him I had acousin who was having her baby shower but maybethe weekend after that. He said that he was going tobe on the road and that this was the only chance he’dhave for awhile. I told him I wasn’t going to break myplans but would block out some time when he gotback. He agreed but I never heard from him again.Did I blow it? I really liked him.

Emily

Pittsburg, PA

Dear Camp Emily,

You did blow it. Not only should you have toldyour cousin to shove it, you should have also quityour job, bought a tent and camped out in front ofhis place. No, you didn’t blow it! You did exactlywhat you should have done, which is stick to yourplans. You had already seen him three times thatweek. The fact that you never heard back makes methink that the sports writer just wanted to get younaked in a tent. Otherwise he would have gladlywaited for the pleasure of your awesome company.Besides, how upset would you be had youdisappointed your cousin, gone camping and thenhe never called again? Just keep doing what yourdoing, kiddo, because you’re batting a thousand.

What If He Has No Life?

Dear Greg,

Okay here’s a tough one. I’ve been seeing this verycool guy for a little over a month. He did everythingright, in fact he is just that into me. Ha! He calls, heshows up when he says he’s going to, he’saffectionate, he’s interested in my work (I’m a barrister)and he likes my friends and family. So what’s theproblem? I feel so bad even writing this, but he’s tooavailable. I was so afraid he was going to be like somany guys I had dated before who weren’t interestedin my life, but this is just the opposite. He’s almost toointerested in my life, not only that but aside from hisjob (he’s a systems analyst) he doesn’t seem to have alife of his own. How do you tell someone to get a life?I don’t want to ruin this. How do I fix it?

Cerys

Cardiff, Wales

Dear He’s Just Too Into You

You just have to tell him the truth today becausethis is a relationship killer. Here’s how you do it:you tell him all the good things you just told meabout him and that this relationship has realpotential, but in order for it to go the distance heshouldn’t feel the need to devote so much time toyou. Tell him that you’d love to do more things withhis friends and family and that you also require alittle alone time to recharge your battery. One oftwo things will happen: he will be excited at thepossibility of bringing your two worlds together oryou’ll find out for sure that he has no other life. Ifthe latter is true then you will have to tell him thatyour requirements for a great relationship includeboth people having a full life and that he’s got tofind other things in his life besides his job and youto bring him happiness. Hopefully he willunderstand. You may be doing him a giant favor butyou have to be clear that this relationship will notwork unless he does that. Sorry Hot Stuff, but itjust won’t.

FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE

Where Can I Find A Life?

Dear Greg,

I heard you on the radio the other day talkingabout getting a life but you didn’t say exactly how oneshould do that. Here’s my problem. I moved recentlyfor work and within a week I met the girl who wouldbecome my girlfriend. We spent all kinds of timetogether but now I can tell she’s getting kind of sick ofme. I don’t want to be that guy who has no life. Theproblem is I don’t know anyone here except myboring office mates and most of my social life revolvesaround her. Help.

Burton

Roswell, GA

Dear This Boys Life,

Softball, guitar lessons, charity work—just dosomething. Look, moving is a big adjustment letalone adding a new relationship to the mix. So dosome deep thinking. Get a piece of paper and writedown all the things you have always wanted to tryor do. Anything from starting a band to losingweight is an excuse to get you out the door andinto the world. Plus don’t be afraid to spend sometime alone. Trust me, as a married father of two, Iread your letter with a spot of envy. I love my lifelike no other, but there are days when I’d eat abee’s nest for a couple hours alone. Okay, that’s notentirely true, but you get my meaning.

THE CHICK THAT BLEW IT

Sienna and I worked for the same Internet marketing company for about two years but I only ever spent time around her at company functions, retreats, team-building events, etc. … Then I got promoted and ended up being in charge of her division. I thought, “Cool, now I’ll get to know her better.” So I asked her out and we went on a few dates that were great. I realized that I really liked her a lot and I wanted to see her all the time. I’d call her from business meetings and ask her to sneak out to meet me during work hours, but she wouldn’t. It was delicious torture. We’d meet up after work a couple times a week but that was it. Her sister and she do dinner together on Tuesdays, she has Pilates on Thursdays, does her laundry and housekeeping on Sunday and had just signed up for a pottery class Saturday morning. She was pretty scheduled out so that didn’t leave that much time for me. Finally a girl with a life of her own, how sexy is that? I was really getting into her and loved having to juggle my own schedule to match any openings she had. It made the time we did spend together really valuable. But then it’s like she flipped a switch and just ditched everything to hang out with me all the time. She even blew off her Tuesday dinners with her sister and was just always there. All the things that made her so interesting and almost unattainable were just gone. I tried to hang in there but when she stopped doing all those things she stopped being the girl I was so attracted to and became totally dependent on me to fill her time. It was too much pressure and I bailed after three weeks.

Enzo

Berkeley, CA

IT WORKED FOR ME!

I spent years being unfulfilled by my life, my job, my boyfriends and my friend-friends. I just couldn’t get everything in sync to a place where it all felt good instead of just okay. So now I’m here. I love my job and get great satisfaction from doing it well. I’ve narrowed down my friends to just the ones where the friendship is effortless, secure and supportive. I have a dog who keeps me busy and well loved and have my little rituals that I do, be it bubble baths, crossword puzzles, Sunday matinees with the girls or riding my bike to work once a week that make me feel pretty happy on a daily basis. Things felt better than good because I liked my life. So when Mitchell and I started dating I was really reluctant to give any of it up because I had worked so hard to find the perfect balance in my life. It was the first time ever that I wasn’t trying to escape from my life into a relationship. But Mitchell not only didn’t want me to give up my life, he liked that about me and even had his own that he didn’t want to give up. What a concept! Because we both had lives that we liked we didn’t just rush into spending all our time together and have really built our relationship slowly. The time we spend together is time we’re dying to spend together because we have so much to tell each other and have had time (even if it’s just been a day) to miss each other. It’s the best-feeling relationship I’ve ever had and it’s because my boyfriend is part of my life, not my life.

Gerilyn

Edmonton, Canada

FIRST PERSON SINGLE by Amiira

I like being alone, in fact I love it, so when I was single it was a great luxury for me to get to design my life around the basic parameters of work, friendships and spare time. Though I’ve never been one to go to the movies or dinner at a restaurant on my own (not because I was afraid to but because it never occurred to me) I was always up for a solo adventure in the city and found that I often preferred being alone to having plans. How antisocial, right? Maybe or maybe not … The thing about having things that are important to you and that don’t depend on anyone else’s availability or interest is that you can fuel your life and happiness without others. That in my estimation is a very powerful thing to be able to do. I’m very in touch with what makes me feel good, less than good, powerful and pathetic. Filling my life with things, people, events, pastimes and hobbies of value made my life and my time valuable. It also made it something worth building on instead of scrapping every time I had a good date. Not only that, I didn’t need a man in my life to make my life great and found quite a few of them actually just complicated and detracted from it, which was definitely not a bonus to what I already had going on. My advice to anyone who is living a life that they don’t love is to change it! If you don’t like your job, find another one that you will like. If you don’t like your wardrobe, get creative and make it better (Project Runway anyone??). If you don’t like your friends, the color of your apartment, the stuff you put in your fridge, the way you go to work, whatever the hell it is—it’s up to you to improve it and mold it into something that you genuinely like. It’s only when you get a good life, have a good life and maintain a good life that you’ll find a man worth spending time away from it.

THOUGHTS FROM MAN CITY

I like the chase. I always have, the more challenging the course the more rewarding the catch. I don’t care if it’s an antiquated thought. And I believe it to be true for most men. When I’ve told women this they always respond with, “Well I don’t want to come off like a bitch who doesn’t have time for the guy I like.” You don’t have to be a bitch about it. There is a nice way of letting someone know your life matters to you. If I look back the great loves of my life they were always women who were self-possessed, confident and goal-oriented. They were women who challenged me. I remember I dated a painter who when she was working on a painting wouldn’t see me until it was done. Sometimes that would take weeks. Weeks! If I were lucky she’d let me visit her at her bar-tending gig where she would make out with me for 10 minutes in the utility closet before sending me home. That’s it. But I was fascinated with her. So why didn’t it work with any of the other women? Because usually I’d end up giving my life away or being okay with seeing someone for only ten minutes a week in a utility closet. See, for a relationship to really work it has to be the coming together of two great very valued lives that over a period of time merge while staying true to who they are. It’s great when we fall in love with you, but it’s even better when we fall in love with your life as well.

DATING FORTUNE COOKIE

You are the architect of your own life, so build one that youlove living in … and put in a pool and a walk-in closet whileyou’re at it.

WORST DATE EVER

Every year my girlfriends and I go to Las Vegas for our girls’ weekend. I know it sounds a little corny but I love blackjack and a good martini. I’m not a big partier, I’m a lab tech at a veterinary hospital and I’m studying to be a vet. So needless to say I really look forward to our girls’ getaway and last year was no exception, as my father had passed away and I really needed to do something fun. Well, about a week and a half before our big event I met Kurt when he brought his dog Cheech in for some x-rays. He was very handsome and talked to me like no man had spoken to me in some time. Since my divorce I’ve really spent the last few years working on myself and not really dating. Anyway I was pretty taken with him. He took my number and we talked on the phone every night. I even came into work late a few times because I’d only gotten off the phone hours before. He was all I could think about. He finally asked me out and I’ll bet you can guess for when. Exactly, Greg! The same weekend as our Vegas trip. I told him I was so conflicted. He even said we could do it when I got back. I called my girlfriends and they all said the same thing. “He’ll be here when you get back.” That’s why I’ll never understand why I did what I did next … I called him and told him I’d gladly break my plans to see him. Now that you know the deal you can only imagine how stupid I felt when he told me at dinner that he wanted to be clear that this was just a friend thing. A F@#%ING FRIEND THING! My girlfriend just now texts me that she’s sitting next to Britney at the Palms—and he wants to be friends? How much worse does it get Greg? Trust me, I’ve learned my lesson.

IT’S JUST A F*#KING ART MUSEUM

It’s all out there waiting for you, kid. Museums, gyms,friendships, charities, travel, etc. … all you have to do isput one foot in front of the other. These are the things thatmake you attractive, these are the things that give youstories to tell on dates and this is the life that awaits you.It is the life you must have in order to be in a successfulrelationship, so start taking some risks. You are not goingto love everything you try, but do it anyway because younever know who else has signed up for that formula oneracing class.

The Original World Famous Winner Dater’s Workbook

It’s time for you to get a life—and if you already have one, it’s time to make it an even fuller and more kickass one. We are put here on this planet to explore and enjoy it, so let’s get you out into it and doing things so that next time you get asked out you’ll have to check your schedule for real.

Make a list of things that you want to do and start scheduling them regularly so that you are getting the most out of your life while this time is still yours alone to use. We’ll give you a few ideas to start but it’s up to you to think of more, then go do them regularly.

List 5 things you’d like to do weekly

1 Take a yoga class

2 Do the Sunday Crossword puzzle

3 Take the dog on a walk

4

5

List 5 things you’d like to do every other week

1 See a movie

2 Wander around Primark for half an hour