It’s Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life

It’s Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life
Greg Behrendt

Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt

A fabulous new guide to dating co-authored by Greg Behrendt, former writer on Sex and the City, who won women's hearts with his three million copy bestseller He's Just Not That Into You.What ever happened to dating?Used to be that a guy would ask a girl out. He'd pick her up at her house and take her out for dinner, a movie, or a cup of coffee and some conversation. Then both parties would decide if they wanted to do it again next week. There was protocol. A standard set of guidelines to follow for this age-old ritual.These days who even knows what dating is?It's Just a Date gives you tools, not rules that you can use, while also opening you up to new ideas about how to date and who might be right for you. The book shows us how things have changed on the dating scene and what we need to do to adapt, including –• How the digital age has changed dating, from texting (the new not calling) to online dating.• The compromise: hooking up, booty calls and quasi dates – was it or wasn't it a date?• Exit strategies – how to pull the plug when the dating isn't working out.Dating doesn't have to be hard – in fact, if not taken so seriously, it can be seriously fun.

Greg Behrendt and

Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt

It’s Just a Date!

How to… get ’em, read ’em and rock ’em

Contents

Introduction (#u0da18ba3-aa42-5683-85db-d77f3566f1e5)

Part One (#u24edb0cc-0a2b-5908-8242-49c72fd97b99)

Prepare Yourself For Dating Excellence (#u24edb0cc-0a2b-5908-8242-49c72fd97b99)

Warning (#u8a91caaa-3b36-5ec0-a753-db6229345f29)

1 The Principal Principles of Dating for Winners (#u9420c85a-3982-5359-a846-de7bfa7c251d)

2 Principle #1: Like Yourself and Know You’re Worthy (#u87b73a9f-fd0f-54b0-979d-a4e8a6dd96c8)

3 Principle #2: Get a Life, Have a Life … (#ud7b52c80-0063-5899-af1b-8d8d77338918)

4 Principle #3: Pretty is as Pretty Does (#u90428f4c-8da6-55d4-83d6-eee7d1841520)

5 Principle #4: Don’t Accept Less than an Actual Date (#litres_trial_promo)

6 Principle #5: Don’t Freak People Out with Your Need (#litres_trial_promo)

7 Principle #6: Doormats Finish Last and End Up in the Dirt (#litres_trial_promo)

8 Principle #7: Don’t Show the Movie Before the Trailer (#litres_trial_promo)

9 Principle #8: Not Every Date is Going to Turn Into a Relationship (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Two (#litres_trial_promo)

Carpe Datem—Seize The Date! (#litres_trial_promo)

Warning (#litres_trial_promo)

10 The Essence of Keeping it Cool (#litres_trial_promo)

11 Essence #1: There is No One Place to Meet Guys (#litres_trial_promo)

12 Essence #2: The Power of Suggestion (#litres_trial_promo)

13 Bonus Section: Internet Date-tacular! (#litres_trial_promo)

14 Essence #3: It’s Just a F*#king First Date! (#litres_trial_promo)

15 Essence #4: First Date Follow Up (#litres_trial_promo)

16 Essence #5: 2nd Date and Beyond (#litres_trial_promo)

17 Essence #6: Sexclusivity (#litres_trial_promo)

Closing Words (#litres_trial_promo)

Also Available (#litres_trial_promo)

Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)

About The Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

introduction (#uc9a3866f-6937-5a10-9973-6694e4b7fea1)

A Call To The Winner

Dater Within

So your dating life is in the crapper and you’ve just about given up on the idea altogether at this point. And seriously, what’s with guys, right? Why don’t they ask women out? Why does it have to be so damn hard to date? Or what ever happened to dating, for that matter? Used to be that a guy would ask a girl out. Then he’d pick her up at her house, take her out for dinner, a movie, or a cup of coffee and some conversation. Then both parties would decide if they wanted to do it again next week. There was protocol. A courtship. A standard set of guidelines to follow for this age-old ritual outlined by our “Foredaters”. Now who even knows what dating is?

WHAT IS A DATE?

If you hook up at a bar and go home together are you dating? If he text-messages you, “what are you wearing?” are you dating? If he tells you where he’s going with his friends after work and tells you to bring your friends, are you dating? It’s not cut and dried anymore—in fact it’s become completely absurd. Sadly, dating has become somewhat obsolete, having been edged out of the line up by hooking up, hanging out and casual sex. Why is that? Because both men and women have said by their actions and willingness that they don’t need the formality of a date to give their time, the privilege of their company and sometimes even their body. We’ve become a world of non-daters and, judging from the masses of unsatisfied singles that we hear from and about, we’d surmise that the whole non-dating thing’s not going that great. It’s too confusing, too casual, too grey and not enough black and white. Courtship has gone so far astray that it’s come down to proximity and laziness. Like if you stand next to someone long enough at a party then eventually you’ll pair up and be in a relationship with them without any actual effort, action or decision having been put into it.

BACK TO BASICS

It’s time for a change and, aside from non-dating, the only other option to dating would be arranged marriages or marriage by lottery system. So it seems like now’s the time to figure out how to date again, because you may not like ending up with #4 8 15 16 23 42. You obviously like yourself enough to pick up this book and consider the idea of improving your dating or non-dating life, and for that we love you. Hooray, we just hugged! Now, having said that, we will not coddle you. This is not a touchy-feely “you’re great so everyone should think you’re great” book. This is a “how bad do you want it and to what lengths will you go to achieve what you truly deserve and then be willing to throw it all away because after all It’s Just a F*#king Date?!” kind of book. We have made our living being straight with you about our experiences and we’ve done it wrong ourselves enough times. But ONLY after you’ve done it wrong so many times will you have that moment of awakening, of clarity, where you admit, “I do it wrong. I need to do it differently.”

By reading this book you are entering a no-bullshit area. Unlike some of your friends we will not sign off on your questionable behavior and will continually demand better of you. We will not be buying the rationalizing that you do to make it okay nor the excuses you make for yourself or someone else that’s giving you less than you deserve. Now is the time to redefine what kind of dater you are and how you date. So buckle up ladies because you’ve come to the right place. You know what we’ve got? We’ve got answers and we’ve got plans for you.

REALITY CHECK!

The reality of dating is that almost every date you go on is not going to work out or turn into a lasting and meaningful relationship. In fact every date and relationship won’t work out until you find the one that does. That’s how it works. That’s how life works and dating works. There are no shortcuts or loopholes and absolutely everyone is in the same boat as you. The only difference is how you approach these dates, the attitude you have when you get there. You can continue to dread them, be annoyed by the whole process, have expectations that are sure to disappoint you and project the futility you feel about the whole thing. OR you can let go of all of it, tell yourself that It’s Just A Date! not the rest of your life, that it probably won’t work out in the long run but might be fun nonetheless. With those expectations you’ll have a much better time than you thought you would. Because that actually is the point of dating: an opportunity to spend time one on one to see if there’s a spark. That’s it. Dating was never meant to be a tortuous obstacle course that you had to suffer through, nor the culmination of all our dreams that aren’t being fulfilled crashing down again when it doesn’t work out. And if that’s what dating is for you—then you’ve got to ask yourself why are you doing that to yourself? Then you have to tell yourself to knock it the f*#k off. You control how you date, not anyone else—including the person you’re on the date with. So let go of the old dating patterns that aren’t working for you and embrace the ideals of dating like a winner and being the best you that you can be.

MY NAME IS AMIIRA AND I’M A BAD DATER

It seems like I should have figured that I was doing it wrong after the fiasco of my first marriage. Want to talk about going fast? I met him and it was love at first sight … except for the fact that he had a girlfriend. It was a matter of months before they broke up and we got together, so to make up for lost time we spontaneously got married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator. That’s good, right? I had never been to his home, we hadn’t met each other’s families and probably didn’t know each other’s middle names. We did have similar record collections, so that, along with our young love, should have been enough. Well, not surprisingly it turns out that we didn’t really know each other that well among other biggies that eluded us like similar values and the desire for children. So that didn’t work out but I learned my lesson about jumping in too fast. Right? Or did I, as my next relationship went straight from “Nice to meet you” to “We should go to Barbados on vacation.” At least I had seen his house before packing my bikinis and we did have similar record collections. But ultimately we got too intense too quickly and it we burned out on each other. Strike two! It’d be nice if there wasn’t a strike three but there he was and who could resist the best friend that proclaims his love after too many Heinekens? Not I. So into instant boyfriend I fell. You know what happens when you go from being best friends to instant boyfriend/girlfriend? You realize that you probably weren’t meant to be boyfriend/girlfriend but are trapped in a relationship with a person you love but “not in that way.” That didn’t end well. So at this point I was recognizing that speed was my foe and the way I dated wasn’t working for me. The relationships I got myself into were plagued by the lack of certainty from rushing myself or someone else into feelings that weren’t fully there. Then I met Greg Behrendt, who must have been doing the same thing in his life because he was Mister Take It Slow. Nice. We went out on our first date, which was very good, in fact we decided that we would go out again while still on the date. But then I broke up with him. Huh? It’s a long story involving an ex-boyfriend that wouldn’t go away. However he said the most amazing thing upon hearing my true but cockamamie sounding story about the ex-boyfriend on my lawn, “It’s also okay if you don’t like me like that.” What?! Who the hell was this completely self-possessed guy? I told him truly that I didn’t know yet whether I liked him but would be interested in finding out. So we dated, the old-fashioned way. He called ahead, asked me out, plans were made and we went on dates. We also dated other people while dating each other. There was no hopping in the sack, no racing to lock it down, no panic about what the other was thinking, feeling, doing. Then one day he said something mind-blowing, “I’m not going to date other people. I only want to go out with you but I don’t expect you to do the same until you’re ready to.” What?! Who the hell is this guy who is going to stop dating other people but not demand I do the same? So we continued dating and soon after I came to the same conclusion that he had … I didn’t want to date other people. So there we were as boyfriend and girlfriend because we both truly wanted to be that and had figured it out at our own pace. Revolutionary! Then shortly thereafter he says those three magic words followed by the even more magical words that I had never heard before, “I Love You. But you don’t have to say it back. You don’t have to be at the same place emotionally that I am but I know that I love you and I wanted you to know it.” Holy crap!! Are you kidding me? Where did this alien creature come from that is so comfortable in his own feelings that he can allow me to have my own feelings? That’s how foreign the idea of taking things slow and actually figuring your feelings organically was to me. Normally at this point in a relationship I would have felt obligated to blurt it right back and hope that I grew into the feelings later, but because he was so self-possessed it made it effortless for me to be too. That being said, when I actually experienced having a relationship in real time, on my time, it became the one that has lasted the longest and burns the brightest because it’s real and taking place in actual time. We’re on this journey together side by side instead of one dragging the other behind. Our story is the reason that we decided to write this book because we know what is possible if you learn to do it right.

THE GOOD THE BAD & THE SKILLET OR WHY I TRIED DATING by Greg