Destined to Feel

I wake up suddenly with the feeling I’m falling and gasp out loud, completely disoriented. What a weird dream. I don’t ever remember dreaming of animals. It leaves me feeling a little anxious and with a sudden sense of foreboding — as if there is a path I’m destined to take that could result in short-term pain for long-term gain. I shake my head to dislodge the mental images from my mind. I wish I had my dream book with me. Maybe I can find an app when I land that will help me interpret such vivid, colourful imagery. The lights shine in my eyes and breakfast is being served. I must have been asleep for a while. I change from my pyjamas back into my travel clothes and look forward to my imminent arrival, a step closer to Jeremy and whatever he has planned for me this week. I’m so excited to finally be here and soon to be in the arms of the man I love — have always loved. I can’t keep the smile from my face.

* * *

Finally, we touch down in London as scheduled.

I walk through the swinging doors at Heathrow and notice a chauffeur standing with my name on a placard. What a pleasure it is to travel like this, with every detail smoothly organised. We share greetings as he takes my luggage.

When we arrive at a luxury black sedan with the door open, there is another man standing beside it dressed in similar attire to the chauffeur.

‘Good morning, Dr Blake. Welcome to London.’

‘Good morning. Thank you, it’s great to be here.’

I smile as he opens the door for me and the first man takes care of my luggage. As I settle myself in the back seat, ensuring I have everything, I hear my name being called from somewhere in the distance behind me. As I look over my shoulder I am stunned to see Jeremy and Samuel running towards the car I am in. How amazing. What on earth are they doing here? I didn’t think they were due in until later tonight? I wave my hand in surprised recognition as the driver’s assistant suddenly shoves the door closed and bolts into the front seat. I see the panic in Jeremy’s and Sam’s eyes and on their faces as they run towards me. Just as I am about to ask the driver to wait for them, the car surges forward and I am flung across the back seat. I ask them to stop, telling the driver that I know those men. Jeremy is now running after the car and banging on the back window and there’s fear in his eyes. Something is terribly wrong. I try to open the side window to speak to him, but there is no button. The window tint turns black and I can’t see his face any more. The door is locked and as I turn around to look at the driver, a blackened barrier rises between the back and front seats. I scream and bash on the door and the glass. We are moving fast. I start to tremble as the memory of Jeremy’s agonised face is etched firmly on my brain. I fumble for my phone in my handbag, only to find there is no service indicated. I don’t understand any of this. I am in a blackened car with no phone reception. Who are these drivers? I bang on the windows and barrier, screaming at these men, trying to make sense of what is happening. I attempt to open the doors, urgently checking both of them and bang my palms until they hurt with pain against the black tinted windows. What is this about? Suddenly I feel woozy, faint. Then I don’t feel anything at all …

Jeremy

My world closes in on me in slow motion as I witness the scene in front of me in astonished disbelief. My chest is collapsing within my ribcage. I can’t breathe. Alexa has literally disappeared from within an inch of my grasp, before my very eyes.

‘Sam, grab that taxi, we need to follow them. Quick, jump in.’ We leap into the back of the first black London cab idling in the rank.

‘Follow that black sedan in front,’ I shout at the driver. ‘We can’t afford to lose them.’

He drives off much too slowly. ‘This isn’t Hollywood, mate. Let me tell you right now, I’m not losin’ my fuckin’ licence for a bit of your James Bond nonsense.’

I slam the seat hard with my fist. What a fucking nightmare!

The driver immediately pulls over to the kerb. ‘Get out, get out of my cab, I don’t need you bastards smashing things up. Piss off. Go on, get out.’

Shit. I’ve never been this out of control.

When it becomes clear that the driver is going nowhere with us inside his cab, we scramble out again. Sam stands speechless and shocked as we are left on the side of the road wondering what the hell we are going to do now.

* * *

We arrived at Heathrow late last night as I had a meeting cancelled and could get to London earlier than planned. I couldn’t wait to surprise Alexa by greeting her personally, to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I’ve missed her, how much she means to me. I had the whole day planned. I took the liberty of taking a larger hotel suite than usual so we could share, but booked a small room in her name too, just in case she had an issue with it — I know Alex has quite fixed ideas when it comes to presenting a professional persona to the outside world. Given this is her first involvement with the Global Research Forum she may have wanted to keep up certain appearances and I didn’t want to kick-start our time together making incorrect assumptions. I know it wouldn’t take much convincing for her to stay with me, but if it would make her happy to have a room booked in her own name as well, then I’m all for it, particularly after everything she went through last time we met up. God, I just shake my head at the thought. Having her consent freely to what she went through, what she agreed to, for me. What a woman, she just never ceases to amaze me. It literally makes my cock tingle thinking about her — how damn gorgeous she looks when she desperately tries to deny what her body is feeling, sounding all prim and proper. I always try to remain as aloof as possible until it gets so ridiculous I have to hit her with her own redundant attitudes head on — or simply touch her. Both strategies have yielded me endless success in the past. I hadn’t decided whether we should consummate our reunion on arrival or later in the day. Even though the delay would be gratifying, I didn’t think I’d have the restraint to wait given it’s been over a month since I’ve seen her.

And now I catch a glimpse of her for two seconds and then she vanishes and it’s my fucking fault. Shit! I’ve been briefed on her every movement since she returned to Hobart, every single move. We even had cameras installed to monitor her front gate so we could identify every person who entered her house. I didn’t mention it to Alexa, as I didn’t want to freak her out, particularly over the phone, and then she’d have to explain to Robert why we needed to take extra precautions so I decided it wasn’t worth all the hassle. Better I just make the decisions and deal with any consequences later, it’s more my style.

I also haven’t told her that my computer suffered an attempted hacking. They accessed some files and, although thankfully they didn’t access those I had embedded with additional security, they still have more than enough information about Alexa’s involvement in the experiment than I would like. I get the sense that they have an idea of where we are going with the formula. I have no doubts now that they want what we have got. Thank god I didn’t send her the detailed documents. If she knew everything it would make things so much worse for her. I just didn’t realise they would take things to this extreme and abduct her. Christ! Who would do this, who would take this risk? What a fucking mess. If they lay a finger on her, I swear … Stop! Stop these morbid thoughts, Quinn, and do something rather than standing here swearing and getting lost in your worst-case scenarios. Actions are more important than words. Just fix it!

All these thoughts shoot through my head in the space of a second. I notice Sam beside me staring, mouth open, towards where the car disappeared with Alexa — the one woman in the world I have finally admitted I love more than life itself — leaving us standing in its wake. Fuck, this is so bad! I grab my phone from inside my jacket and dial our driver to let him know where we are. He finally pulls in, after circling the perimeter of Heathrow while we waited for Alexa. As we quickly settle into the car my brain finally kicks into action mode rather than shock.

‘Sarah, get me Leo on the phone, now. It’s an emergency.’ I wait impatiently as my assistant connects me. I end up reaching Moira in New York, his ‘be all and end all’ personal assistant who knows almost every facet of Leo’s life. We have liaised often during the past decade since Leo is never in one spot for too long.

‘Moira, it’s Jeremy. Is Leo there? Where is he? Jesus fucking Christ. The Amazon?’ She tells me that he is deep within the northern region of the Amazon basin living with the Wai Wai people, studying soul flight with the village shaman, and he can’t be contacted for at least three weeks. Bloody hell. That’s Leo for you. ‘We have a massive problem. Alexa has been abducted. Yes, now … right now … right in front of my eyes. Yes, I’m with Sam, he saw it too. Two men, obviously posing as chauffeurs. They just shoved her in when they saw us running towards her … No, I didn’t recognise them.’ I raise my eyebrows towards Sam. He shakes his head. ‘No, he doesn’t either. Yeah, we lost them. Shit. They could be anywhere now.’

Moira shifts immediately into gear, just as Leo would. She’s already been intimately involved in trying to find out who hacked into our computers and the attempted blackmail, so she’s across all the details. Leo also organised for her to secretly compile personal dossiers on each of the Global Research Forum members, just in case the leaks and threats were coming from one of our own people; anger pumped through my veins at the thought, but I couldn’t deny he had a point. I haven’t mentioned it to Sam or any of the others. Moira has the ability to access resources to handle emergencies on behalf of Leo, though we never imagined anything like this. She’s calm and efficient, but my panic makes me feel like shouting given the seriousness of this situation. I take a deep breath before responding in an attempt to control my rising fear.

‘Okay … and Martin’s available?’ Martin Smythe looks after Leo’s security issues. He’s ex-CIA, quick-thinking and highly capable and it’s a huge relief he’ll be involved. Leo had organised for him to be at Avalon just in case anything unforeseen occurred. ‘That’s great, he can organise the team and can you make sure they have a contact in Scotland Yard? We’ll need to monitor London’s security system.’ God, in this city, we’ll never find her with so many millions of people swarming around. No, can’t think like that. My hands begin to shake. Control it, Quinn, I admonish myself as Moira asks what else I need.

‘Can you send through the latest information you have on the hackers and we’ll also need anything you have on what drugs the top five pharmaceuticals are taking to market in the next five years, as soon as you get it together. And get some people working on the next five companies, just in case. We need to work out who is this fucking desperate — there must be a link somewhere that we’ve been missing! Okay, yeah, will do … and thanks Moira, I really appreciate it. I’m desperate to get her back.’

I press ‘end’ and realise my hands are now trembling. I shove the phone back in my pocket and rub both hands through my hair in sheer exasperation at this diabolical situation. I turn to Sam who is still speechless which, given my internal fury and dread, is probably a good thing.

As we silently make our way to Covent Garden, I absently stare out the window and thank god for Leo and I connecting when he had his accident all those years ago — my life changed for the better as soon as I met him and, ultimately, he was able to orchestrate my scholarship at Harvard and essentially my future career path from that point forward.

Leroy Edward Orwell — the philanthropist who has sponsored my work at every level for more than a decade. He has been the financial backbone of every breakthrough and discovery I’ve been involved in. He comes from a family with a long history of inconceivable wealth, providing him with incredible access to global contacts and resources. We first met when I was in the Royal Flying Doctor Service and was on call. He was abseiling near Kings Canyon in the Northern Territory and had a bad fall when he was rappelling off the rock face and one of his anchors didn’t hold. He ended up breaking his leg and had to be airlifted out. We bonded during his recovery time and learnt much about each other’s ambitions and motivations. Even though he is ten years older than me, the nurses used to joke that we could be brothers, although I’ve always thought he was more of a Rob Lowe type. Either way, aging has been kind to him and he keeps himself incredibly toned and fit. There has always been a healthy competition between us in relation to the state of our bodies, and we keep each other in check. We certainly don’t want to risk letting ourselves flab into middle age.

Leo’s passion is anthropology, more specifically biomedical anthropology — his nirvana is the holistic integration of Western ‘science and medicine’ with Eastern ‘philosophies and spirituality’. He’s a big thinker and has studied extensively. He has an extraordinary mind; I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t in awe of his brain. Global phenomena intrigue him and my work is just one piece of the myriad projects he’s indirectly involved in. His seemingly extrasensory perception has certainly worked in his favour when it comes to ensuring his continued financial success, having managed to quadruple his already substantial wealth over recent years. His only requirement of me is to maintain his anonymity in public. I don’t have the opportunity to see him in person much, but it’s great when we do get together. He enjoys his private, more reclusive lifestyle and I respect that in him, but we have a lot in common and his conversation is always enlivening.

Leo was intrigued with my theories and suppositions regarding blood types and depression and even flew out to Sydney and attended Alexa’s lecture with me, highly irregular behaviour for him. To this day I’m not sure whether it was for the project or whether he sensed that my meeting up with Alex was potentially something far more significant. He really is one of those people who seem to have a sixth sense about things, and I suppose he was spot on. Alexa always called him Charlie — as in Charlie’s Angels — as she has never met him, only heard about him.

Actually, he was posing as the maître d’ and served martinis to me and Alex at the InterContinental during our weekend together. Obviously she didn’t see him as she was wearing the blindfold and he didn’t want to be introduced. He was a little shocked when he had to cuff her at my request. Afterwards I had to explain to him that she did her first thesis on the instinct and suppression of sexual behaviour, and why I believed this was an important part of our journey together should she resist and not acknowledge her true feelings.

This was also coincidently just after I received an anonymous letter at the hotel threatening me in relation to her pulling out of the experiment. I couldn’t tell if it was a hoax or not and had no time to explore it further during the scope of the weekend, which admittedly put me a little on edge myself. I knew I couldn’t risk her walking away from me for many reasons, let alone the heightened danger the letter presented.

Either way, it certainly created both playful fear and extreme arousal in Alex (her body has always proved a more accurate radar for reflecting her true disposition), which she admitted afterwards she found truly fascinating. Leo asked if he could have a copy of her thesis and Alex generously sent a copy through for me to forward on to him. I was only ever allowed to read her original hard copy all those years ago but thankfully I have a great memory. No doubt it would have been intriguing for her to read it again after our experience together — or rewrite it perhaps …

Anyway, Leo’s funds have enabled him to acquire properties around the world that he believes hold either mystical or spiritual significance to cultures past and present — they are known as Avalon. It’s his concept, his baby if you like, and he offered me his executive treehouse on Lord Howe Island to ensure Alexa’s safety and wellbeing after our weekend together. His only condition was that she was not to know its location. I remember wanting to ask him why, but the look on his face stopped me, even though his demeanour remained calm and placid. I’ve learnt over the years when to question and debate with Leo, which most of the time he embraces with gusto, but this was not one of those occasions, so I maintained my silence and kept my promise. He doesn’t ask too much from me and he has done so much for me, it’s the least I could do. Thinking about it, in hindsight I wonder if he had a sense that she was at greater risk than we originally thought, or whether he felt there was something unique about Alexa, even before we further tested our hypotheses, given his direct involvement and his insistence that I take her to Avalon. I sigh as these thoughts and memories flood my mind while our car smoothly drives past Buckingham Palace and on to Pall Mall. So much for her safety now …

* * *

Sam and I check in at One Aldwych. I stare aimlessly around the suite in which I had invested such high hopes and expectations. I can’t deny the emptiness I’m feeling without Alexa here by my side, or the rising turmoil in my gut as to where she could be. I stare blankly at my laptop as if her whereabouts is going to miraculously appear before my eyes. I haven’t heard back from Moira yet, which is driving me mad, but I know she’s efficient and does her job like no other. I don’t want to bother her unnecessarily, but every second counts and I feel like I’m in Alexa limbo. I’m half tempted to call Scotland Yard myself to sort this hideous mess out. I can’t get my mind off the letter I had received during our weekend away that indirectly threatened the safety of Alex’s children if I didn’t go ahead with the experiment. It must be the same people. Shit. If only I could turn back time we would not be in this mess. I should have organised for the whole family to be with me in the safety of Avalon until all this crap passed over and we figured out who was behind it but as we didn’t receive anything else, we instead just increased security and surveillance at Alexa and Robert’s house as a precautionary measure. Now this, they’ve abducted her — if they’re willing to go to these extremes, will it ever be over? I slam the laptop closed in frustration — it’s not as if it’s giving me any of the answers I so urgently need. What I need is a strong drink. I’m driving myself crazy. I pass by Sam’s room and tap on the door before opening it. He’s absorbed in his laptop, maybe hoping for answers just as futilely as I was.

‘I’m heading to the bar, can I get you anything?’

‘I’ll join you in half an hour or so. I want to reorganise the priorities for my team in Sydney so they are on standby to research the information Moira will be sending through and I’ll offer any assistance to Martin in setting up a more sophisticated tracker on Alexandra’s bracelet. You never know, they might find something. I know it’s a long shot but …’ He sounds despondent as he looks up from his work and his eyes register both our misery.

‘Thanks Sam, it will all help and they’re a bright bunch by the sounds of it. I’ll let McKinnon know we’ll need to defer the forum indefinitely and he can inform the other members.’

‘Of course, I should have thought of that, he is the Chair, after all. I’ll see you downstairs. I suppose there’s not too much else we can do until we hear back from Moira.’

I close his door and trudge towards the lift. I’m not used to being this useless. I need action, to hunt down her abductors, not just make phone calls, damn it. Being forced to wait is killing me.

In the lobby bar I stare aimlessly into the flames of the candelabra, jiggling the ice around in my double shot of Glenmorangie. Some slick chick asks me if I want company tonight and I motion her away with a wave of my hand. As if I could think of anyone but Alex at the moment, as if I ever will again — even my dick concurs. My mind flits back through the many times we have played together. She never disappointed me, has always been willing to try anything with me, explore and push the boundaries. Of all the women I have been with, and there have been many over the years, she is the one I keep coming back to. The one I couldn’t get out of my head even when I was being pleasured by two buxom blondes in California, or getting a blow job from a lusty redhead with a mouth to die for. It was Alex — her body, her mind, her heart — that kept floating erratically through my mind during those moments of random pleasure, preventing me from committing further to any other woman in my life. I never spoke about her of course, they didn’t need to know.

Marie was close and wanted our relationship to go further, but I couldn’t bring myself to commit, not when I knew Alex was still out there, even if she was unavailable and on the other side of the world. We are still friends but she’s as wrapped up in her career as I am in mine and marrying Marie would have been like a business deal, Kardashian-style, all for show but without any grounded substance. Marriage should mean more than that.

Besides, I needed to know once and for all, where I stood with AB. I knew she was married with kids; I’m Jordan’s godfather after all, even if I haven’t exactly been a major presence in his life. The weekend away I organised with her meant everything to me. I knew from the second she agreed to stay that, finally, this was our time, our destiny and that my philandering ways were over. This was the real deal. There was no way I was ever going to let her go again. And it couldn’t have worked more perfectly. My meticulous planning paid off in every way possible. I had to ensure our lives would be entangled together somehow from that point forward — whether it was professionally, sexually or psychologically. I didn’t mind which one, actually, if I’m perfectly honest I was obviously hoping to achieve all three and hit the jackpot. Breaking through her boundaries, removing all the layers of defensive constructs she’d built up over the years and finally witnessing her willingness to experiment made me fall even more in love with her all over again. Not to mention her effect on my research. The results are absolutely extraordinary but shit, at what cost? What would have happened if she hadn’t agreed to be involved? I would never have forced her into anything she wasn’t willing to do herself and ultimately she did it willingly, but with the blackmail letter I received on the Friday night of our weekend hanging over my head, threatening the safety of her children … I just couldn’t risk it. Anything could seem like an accident when they were travelling in the wilderness of Tasmania. I certainly didn’t want to scare her or put her children in any danger, all because of my work. They mean the world to her; they are her world. In the end, I was pleased that I hadn’t caused her any worry by mentioning it to her and I thought it had all worked out, but now the letter, then the computer hacking, and finally the abduction, all tumbles into one sordid picture — but who is behind it? Who would stoop so low? Who would take that risk to put her in so much personal danger? They must have a lot at stake or maybe I have more enemies than I realised … My head literally aches as my brain runs through numerous scenarios.

I remind myself that Alexa is strong, has always been strong and oftentimes is stronger than she realises. Christ, look what she did for me! At least I know they won’t want her dead. She is no use to them dead; these results require that she is very much alive. Thank god! But I also know it is highly unlikely they will achieve the results we did. My stomach churns at the thought of what they may put her through, how they might want to touch her. It sickens me to the core. The only way I want my Alexa to receive pleasure is under my instruction. No one knows her body the way I do, and at least that knowledge calms my churning gut a little. Hang in there, sweetheart, we’ll find you. The light from the candles continues to flicker. I swipe my finger through their flames, feeling the heat but not the burn, and it sparks a memory from a happier time.

* * *

We are in the middle of a five day skiing trip to Val d’Isère with a group of friends. It’s such an amazing resort, the snow and weather have been exceptional as is the chalet we are staying in. We have a dedicated chef and as much wine and champagne as we can drink. We’ve been skiing hard each day and chilling out when the sun goes down.

Alex has improved dramatically on the slopes in the past two days. She has only skied once before. I’m really proud of her perseverance, she never gives up and today we managed some red runs together, so it’s a massive improvement. She has one spill when some dickhead trying to show off loses control and bowls her over. She hurtles over the side of the run and I only know where she is when I see her poke her stick up from the body-deep snow. Once I can see she’s not injured, we can’t stop laughing, which makes it even more difficult for me to haul her out of her predicament.