Destined to Feel

My younger brother suffered from serious depression, and just before my twenty-fifth birthday I found him dead in our garage. He’d gassed himself in our father’s car, which he’d locked from the inside. My world perspective changed from that moment on, my ambition fuelled by pain and the inability to provide him with the help he had so desperately needed. My parents, bless them, handled the devastating loss of their second son more graciously than me … at least, I thought so. My grief was so raw, so incredibly confronting and completely overwhelming. I blamed myself. If only I knew more, had studied more, had understood him, spent more time with him … if only the medication he was taking had helped him deal with life more effectively, rather than take it from him. I found it impossible to reconcile the loss of Michael’s life in my mind. There was so much I needed to sort out in my head, to understand. Why my brother, why not me? Why did this happen to our family? Was it part of our gene pool or something unique to him? God knows, my family and friends tried to support me but I wasn’t ready for their help. I didn’t want their pity or anyone else’s, so I pushed them away, including Alexa, to work it out for myself.

I had to get away from the pulse and stress of the city and find some perspective. I had an overwhelming urge to bury my pain, needed to be hands-on rather than lumbered with textbooks, theories and lectures. I needed to prove I was alive, unlike Michael, whose life was lost at the vital age of twenty. The flying doctor’s and the outback provided me with space, sanctuary and distance from everyone and everything I had known. Thankfully, they were in desperate need of medical staff and accepted my application as soon as I secured my pilot’s licence, as I could provide both medical and flying roles for them. An extra set of strong male hands never went astray when working in the harshness of our great southern land either. Everything seemed to fall into place when I met Leo. He too, had lost a cousin to suicide and we spent many hours discussing our theories as to why and how such acute depression happens to some and not others, never being able to decide on whether the contributing factors were psychological, chemical or environmental or how they connected. He provided me with the mentorship I needed to get my life back on track.

I needed that then, just as desperately as I need Alex now. Back then I had to let her go so we could pursue our futures independently. I wasn’t ready to give her the family she longed for and I couldn’t be diverted from my mission to find a cure for depression. I had to prevent other families going through the pain and anguish we had to deal with when we lost Michael. But now I know she is my connection to the earth; my love for her is so great I will not allow her to slip through my fingers again. She is the oxygen that fuels my life.

I remember the conversation we had in Santorini that secured our separation for the next decade. It began as an inspired discussion on our paths in life and ended at a fork in the road, like the tongue of a serpent and stung just as badly. For me, anyhow …

* * *

‘I’m ready for something more meaningful, Jeremy. I’m just not getting the buzz out of work that I used to. It’s becoming routine, monotonous. The business world is all about the money and I need to know I’m helping people, not just making money for money’s sake. Besides, I’m not as driven as you and I know I need more than work in my life to satisfy me …’

‘So what are you going to do about it?’

We are basking in the sun on a warm rock by the warm waters of the Aegean Sea and I’m doing my duty, rubbing sunscreen on Alexa’s back. It’s a tough life!

‘I’m thinking of going back to psychology full-time.’

‘Wow. That’s a big move. Are you ready for it?’

‘Yeah, I am. But it’s more than that. I think I’m ready to settle down.’ I keep up the sensuous strokes along her smooth back.

‘Settle down. What do you mean?’ A small wave of apprehension shudders through me. Settle down, shit … not my Alexa!

‘You know, start a family, maybe return to Australia. I don’t want to raise a family in central London.’

‘You’re serious?’ I inadvertently splat more sunscreen than necessary on her shoulders and quickly start rubbing it in to distract from my shock at her words.

‘Of course I’m serious, Jeremy. Why wouldn’t I be? My maternal clock’s ticking, and I’m over the club scene and the frantic pace of London.’

‘But you’re not even close to thirty, you have heaps of time.’ God, I need to come up with something, she’s slipping away from me, from beneath my very fingers. I know I’m not ready for a family or to ‘settle down’. I’ve just started to make headway in my career. My research at Harvard is only serving to make me more certain I am on the right path. I’ve never been closer to a significant breakthrough in managing chemical imbalances in the brain. After all these years, I know I’m finally on the right path, on the cusp of finally doing something real and tangible to help prevent families going through the pain and hell we went through with Michael. I can’t stop now and I can’t split my focus between work and a family. My hours of study, my research, it would be a disaster. And there is no way Alexa would tolerate a partner who isn’t around for their kids, there’s just no way.

‘I know,’ she replies calmly, while my mind reels, ‘but it’s only just around the corner and you never know how long these things can take. One of my friends who just turned thirty has been trying for two years without success. I don’t know how I’d survive if that happened to me. I can’t ignore it much longer, Jeremy. Every baby I pass in the street is … well, it’s as if my heart spasms and contracts. The yearning to nurture my own biological child is like nothing I’ve felt. Each time I see a pregnant belly I smile at the mother and then tears well up in my eyes. And I can’t deny it, the feeling gets stronger each day. It’s as if everything else has faded into insignificance for me.’

I drag my brain back from morbid thoughts on how depression can devastate the happiest of families to concentrate fully on Alexa’s words. My lover … my best friend … clock ticking … Jeez, does she expect me to be the father? What if she’s already pregnant? Bloody hell. I’m so not ready for this. She sits up from her lying position and looks directly into my eyes, as if sensing my fear, my rising anxiety as to where this discussion is leading.

‘It’s okay, Jeremy.’ She laughs her delightful laugh. ‘You don’t need to look so scared! I know your career is everything to you, it always has been — and it’s not like we have ever had a monogamous relationship. We just have incredibly great sex when we’re together. You’ve made your views on marriage very clear over the years.’

‘Oh, yeah, sure, I suppose I have.’ She looks at me with a gorgeous twinkle in her eye and her dimple appears next to her smile. I breathe a sigh of relief and relax but surely she must know she means more to me than incredibly great sex … doesn’t she? And as for my anti-marriage views … well, we’ve been on opposite sides of the world for the past few years and I haven’t had the chance to explain to her that such views only ever pertained to every other woman in the world until I was ready for her.

‘I’ve met someone.’ Fuck. That’s a bombshell. My thoughts come to an abrupt halt. My heart pounds deeply within my chest at her words. ‘And it’s getting serious, I think.’

My breathing temporarily stops before I realise she is waiting for me to respond.

‘Really, what’s his name?’ I have to pretend I’m coughing as I choke out the words.

‘Robert. He’s English but seems quite keen on moving to Australia with me and he just loves kids. I met him a few months ago at a friend’s christening and ….’ I see her lips forming words but I don’t hear her voice thanks to the loud thrumming in my ears and the pumping pain in my chest. This is it. I’m losing my Alexa. Doesn’t she realise she is mine, has been since we first met? Now she wants to settle down, have babies, move back to Australia. All three things are impossible for me at this juncture of my life. I love her, surely she must know that. If she doesn’t, how can I possibly tell her now? She looks so happy and animated talking about ‘Robert’ and their potential new life together. Fuck! How did this conversation end up like this? I shake my head as her voice cuts through my daze.

‘Anyway, I just wanted to let you know, because if Robert and I move in together, like we’re planning, you know, as a couple, well, I won’t be able to have any more weekends away with you, like this. It just … wouldn’t be right, would it?’

She looks up at me, both resignation and longing in her puppy dog eyes. This is it. My playful, experimental Alexa is closing herself off from me because I can’t give her what she wants at this point in time. And she’s right. I can’t — or won’t. I don’t know which it is, but it’s too soon, we’re still too young. And besides, it really sounds like she loves him so how can I, in all fairness, deny her this happiness just because I’m not ready to commit? Shit, I feel sick to the pit of my gut. Too much for me to dwell on right now. I force my voice to sound calm.

‘No, sweetheart, it wouldn’t. I’m pleased you’re happy and thanks for letting me know. But know this, if he hurts you, upsets you, lays a finger on you that you’re not happy with, or doesn’t treat you like the goddess you are, he’ll have me to contend with and you know what I’m like.’

She smiles her gorgeous smile and I can’t help but try to grin back. ‘Very theatrical Jeremy but yeah, I do know what you’re like.’ She gives me a fun, playful, loving thump on my upper arm. ‘Always my protector.’

‘I will always be there for you, Alexandra. It’s very important to me that you know that.’ I seem to be drowning in solemnity which I’m sure must be freaking her out, particularly if she loves him and not me. I must try to get my head around supporting the choice she’s making and I need to lighten things up — urgently. ‘In the meantime, he doesn’t have you this weekend, I do, so if this is our last weekend together before you “settle down”’ — I can’t keep the bitter undertone from catching in my voice — ‘then rest assured, we will be making the most of it.’

I can’t bear to look at her face as I experience the unusual sensation of hot tears pooling in the corners my eyes so I pick her up instead and she squeals as I carry her to the edge of the rock shelf and leisurely throw her into the warm, aquamarine water. I wait till she rises to the surface, then promptly jump in to retrieve what’s mine, at least for now. I desperately need the diversion of the water against my skin, which helps to wash away my turbulent emotions and lighten my heavy heart.

I will not let her slip through my fingers again! I slam my fist hard on the wooden bench of the bar, my skin burning with determination.

‘Jeremy, are you okay?’

‘Oh, Sam, I didn’t see you come in.’

His usually jovial face is lined with worry and concern. I quickly wipe any sign of moisture away from the corner of my eye; he shouldn’t have to see me like this. Fuck it, we shouldn’t be in this situation at all.

‘Yeah, I’ve been a million miles away. Any update?’ I raise my hand to the barman to indicate we need service and order more whisky which momentarily takes the edge off my pain but it will be the last one. I can’t afford to be playing anything but my A game when it comes to Alexa.

‘Actually, I do have some news. The signal from Alexandra’s bracelet has been traced to St Pancras station, they believe she boarded a train to Paris. The tracking device on the bracelet is not as effective on high-speed trains but we have been able to correlate the timing of the train departures and the bracelet and we are ninety per cent sure. Unless —’

‘What?’ I say harshly, frustrated by his seemingly longwinded explanation. ‘Unless what, Samuel?’ Shit, I really do need to control my temper.

‘Well, they could have tampered with the bracelet to throw us off the trail. Do you think they could know about it?’ Samuel asked.

‘There was nothing about the security of the bracelet on my system at work, that was kept in another department. What about yours?’

‘Same. So we should be all right for a while, or at least until they try to remove it — and realise they can’t.’

‘Well, we need to get going. If they think she’s in Paris then that’s where I’m heading.’ Finally, something to focus on rather than drowning in sorrow. I start to rise but Sam puts his hand on my arm to stop me.

‘That was a few hours ago, Jeremy. She could be anywhere in continental Europe by now. I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of speaking to Martin directly, knowing how upset you —’

The look on my face stops him in his tracks and I take a deep breath to calm my anger. Control it, Quinn. ‘Sorry, Sam, of course, yes, please continue.’

He visibly relaxes, I must look scary. Sam is not easily unnerved.

‘Anyway, we detected the signal at Gare du Nord for a short time and lost it again. The security guys are assuming she must be on another train travelling southeast from Paris towards the Swiss border but we won’t be 100% sure until she is stationary. We should have an exact location in the morning. Martin is hoping to finalise the team in the next twenty-four hours.’

‘What?’ I am shouting. ‘We can’t wait that long, Sam, they’ve fucking abducted Alex!’

‘These things take a while, Jeremy, and they don’t want to get the authorities involved just yet …’ Sam’s tone is placatory but I don’t want to hear it. Why the hell haven’t Martin and Moira been calling me and instead talking to Sam? I grab my phone out of my jacket pocket and see that I’ve had five missed calls and that it’s been on silent. Shit! How the hell did that happen? I slam it down on the bench top in complete frustration; absolutely nothing is going my way.

I shake his hand off and stand up.

‘You have to be kidding me?’ Blood pounds through my head. Samuel’s calmness inflames my anger and I’m teetering on the edge of civility. I pick up the phone again, my fingers fumbling in my attempt to make the call to sort this mess out. Sam interjects quickly.

‘Apparently, they’re trying to avoid any red tape if we are forced to act quickly, if you know what I mean.’ He looks flustered at these words and adds hastily: ‘Anyway, we’ll take the first flight to Paris in the morning, and hopefully have a more comprehensive picture of where she has been taken.’