Theory of emotional relativity. Practical guide to the development of awareness and emotional intelligence

• give your body a good workout;

• set future goals in the calm state.

In the next situation, in which you will experience anxiety or fear, the long-term goal that you set will create a sense of direction and the feeling that you are managing your life, this will be your guideline.

If you act this way gradually and constantly, your future will become predicted for you and created personally by you.

Fear. Release

If a person often experiences fear, anxiety, doubts, the first thing to do is use to our strategy, which we have described.

We are scared when we believe that we lack resources, when we feel small, poor, unable to cope with the situation, with life. The more often we prove to ourselves that we are able to manage the situation and achieve goals, the more intensively we turn from a small and poor little man, first into a normal one, and then into a champion for ourselves, because we have objective results.

Release from fear is possible only through
another need – a need for respect

If we do not set goals, and everything happens by itself in our life, we cannot estimate the result of our activity and life in general.

We cannot independently estimate ourselves, we need feedback from the outside world. And now the outside world evaluates us and reports: “Look, you’re good at this field, and you have done it perfectly, this is great,” but you cannot understand whether this is your result or not, because you didn’t set such goals.

We need goals to cultivate self-respect

Setting a goal, taking some steps towards it and achieving a result will lead to a large number of accumulated results and, of course, to self-confidence. You will have confirmation that you can, that you have resources, skills, abilities. But in this whole story, you need results.

People who focus only on the process do everything in their life with pleasure, but they have no self-respect, because there is no result of this activity. The feeling of respect “I can” creates security from the inside.

Fear. How to Help others?

If there is a person near who is in a state of anxiety or fear, the first thing we can do to help is to talk with him, so that he speaks out loud all his fears, feelings. We should draw his attention to the body and its condition gently. Ask some questions:

In relation to what things do you have such a state now?
What exactly are you most afraid of?

When a person lists everything that worries him, he gradually begins to free himself from all these fears. At the same time, when you ask questions, he receives emotional support from you, and support is also a resource that satisfies the need for security. There is a feeling that he is not alone in coping with this situation, but as if we are doing it together. It also relaxes.

After a person has realized his fears, you can ask questions that are listed in the strategy for yourself:

How real are these dangers?
What do you need to overcome this danger?
What resources do you have?
Where can you take resources that you don’t have?

You can help a person to make a plan where to get the necessary resources. And then it would be great to turn on the body: go for a walk or run, do some work in the garden together, change the position of the body to move actively. After some body activity, a person will definitely calm down.

When a person calms down, ask him the following questions:

What do you want in the distant future?
What do you really want?
In what way will be the problem
solved in 3—5 years?

It will allow you to start dreaming in the direction of your desired future. And if he is ready, he will be able to set real goals, the achievement of which will have criteria.

Fear. Security and Responsibility

We must always remember that fear mobilizes us, i.e. takes out all our resources, collects them so that we use them. Our responsibility is to determine life goals, the direction of development to know how to use all our forces and mobilized resources and what steps we should take.

Responsibility is a complex feeling that contains an emotion of fear. If there were no fear, we could not take decisive actions in any other way. Thanks our fears for that.

Having goals in life, of course, does not preclude the presence of fear. When scared, you are active and keep your eyes clean in search of this danger, you know where you need to throw all your strength. In this state, you can cope with any situation. If you use fear in the right direction and to the right degree – this is a successful action strategy.

If there is only fear, and there are no desired goals, then we have danger and nothing more. And wherever we go, this danger is always with us, even when we move away from it, we only see it. Is it possible to calm down with only danger in front of my eyes? It’s impossible. The quality of life will be very low, you will only move from danger to danger, because your mind is tuned to it. Why are we talking about the importance of setting goals to deal with fears?

Goal setting is a conscious redirection of attention
by the effort of the will to the regime of the goal,
not a danger

And then a part of the fears leaves us, because we begin to move to the goal. A person who knows how to manage his attention controls his life.

This is deliberate work: tear off, peel off, unhook the inner gaze from danger, move it to the zone of the desired result and attach, glue, pin it there. And you begin to move there – to the desired and pleasant with ease and joy. And if suddenly some danger nevertheless arises in the way of your movement, your fear will be enough to activate forces at the right moment and put them all to achieve goals.

On the last day before passing the exam you suddenly have so much strength! Three days ago, you were not capable of such absorption of information, i.e. it is fear that makes you mobilize and prepare as well as possible in a very short period of time.

At work, when you do what you did not do before, it happens in a similar way. It is fear that activates you, pushes you to search of information, new strategies, opportunities, your abilities. And you want to do all this in order to achieve your goal. You get it naturally, because your interest lies in this plane. Fear and desire work together. Therefore, fear is a very useful emotion. If someone says: “I want to get rid of my fear,” he does not understand what he is signing up for.

The most important condition for freeing
yourself from fear is setting goals and keeping your
internal focus on the desired result

If your inner view is focused on the search for dangers, you will not see your goals by yourself, this is only conscious work.

Shame

Shame. How does it Serve?

In ancient times, people united in tribes in order to withstand external dangers. If for some reason a person was left alone, it meant death for him. That’s why for each of us it is very important to feel like a group, because the ancient part of our brain perceives the lack of belonging as a danger to life. But how do you understand that you are one of them or a stranger? How to fit in a tribe, how to become part of this group, so that it protects you and helps you to withstand external threats? It is a feeling of shame that tells us that we are doing things, for which we can be condemned, for which we can be expelled.

In the modern world, it seems that we can live outside the group, that there is no external danger. However, our brains are millions of years old, we can convince ourselves as much as we like, but there is a clear connection in our subconscious: belonging to a group is life, exclusion is death. So shame is a social emotion that is always associated with comparing yourself and other people.

We call the sense of affiliation in ordinary life – love. When we love someone, he is very close, valuable, exceptional to us, we want to devote time to him, our attention is always directed to the object of love, we want to take care of him, we are ready to sacrifice for him. Being loved is a successful strategy for life. We need to have the same attitude to ourselves in order to take care of ourselves, in order to give ourselves priority over others, in order to be happy.

Self-love is a criterion of belonging to the family

If you accept yourself, take care of yourself, pay attention to yourself, like yourself – this means that you accept your ancestors, you are a part of them, because everything that is in you has come from them. When we love ourselves, we know that we are a part of something larger, ourselves among ourselves. When we do not love ourselves, do not recognize our strong qualities, our resources, and consider ourselves insufficiently attractive, it means that we exclude ourselves from our system and look for another group, we want to be liked to this group in order to feel belonging.

If a person is often met with excessive shame, this situation means that he does not feel his belonging, does not accept some of his qualities, constantly compares himself with others and loses in this comparison. There is a good cartoon from our childhood “The Ugly Duckling”, about how a little swan suddenly, being in a bird’s yard, tried to attach itself to hens, then to ducks, to geese and nowhere felt like his own. Shame, melancholy, loneliness filled his life, danger waited for him around every corner. His life changed radically when he found his own group of swans and flew with them to distant lands. So we, having claims to our parents and family, are looking for a better place among other people, but there is no better place like your family for you. When you understand this, you begin to appreciate, a lot of strength and energy appear, and suddenly you become attractive to the whole outside world.

Ironically, the mission of shame