Theory of emotional relativity. Practical guide to the development of awareness and emotional intelligence

Theory of emotional relativity. Practical guide to the development of awareness and emotional intelligence
Inna Zakharova

Theory of Emotional Relativity is a navigator with the latest updated maps of the human soul. You will be able to put the desired point of your state, and it will build a suitable path, after travelling which you will learn not only yourself, your true desires and values, but also learn to accept people and feel inspired. The route has been built. Be patient, sincere and ready to see new sides of your life in order to become more stronger, and easily cope with the challenges of the modern world.

Theory of emotional relativity

Practical guide to the development of awareness and emotional intelligence

Inna Zakharova

Idea and Editor Evgeny Zakharov

Editor Alena Rabkevich

Translator Anastasia Stepanova

© Inna Zakharova, 2020

ISBN 978-5-0051-6900-6

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

Preface

The development of emotional intelligence is gaining increasing importance (is becoming more popular nowadays). But what it means, no one fully understands. There are many definitions of this concept, the main one is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions and those of the people around you. But is that enough? What does it mean to understand emotions?

To understand the emotion, first of all, you should know how to identify it, give it a name and change if necessary. The mechanism of the birth of emotions is not so simple, the emotion is not born in a random order, it connects with our innermost psychological processes in the structure of our personality. Emotions are not only a reaction to the real circumstances in our life, but a kind of connection with our ancestors, with the more global systems – family, dynasty and nation. We feel only 10% of emotions from the present moment, the rest 90% is emotions in the combination of systemic feelings connected with our deepest convictions which appeared far in the past, long before our birth, they are kept in our subconscious and manage our life.

But first things first.

To start, we are offering to open a test at the end of the book and define your subjective level of Emotional Intelligence to notice the changes that will happen with you while reading “Theory of Emotional Relativity”.

Gratitude

We’ve done it! Finally, the book took the very shape that is in front of you. I am happy and at the same time I don’t believe that we’ve managed to transfer the years of experience into an easy-to-read text. Perhaps, you notice, my dear readers, I always use the plural number? And this is not because of superiority complex but because of a lot of people devoted their energies to create this work. I begin with the first and the most important “heroes” of this book – our clients and those who had enough courage to dive into the ocean of unclear emotions, adapt and become a captain who manages his “Life” boat. Your endless trust, surprised and inspired eyes were that very light put us in the right way. Your sincere interest and readiness to study from the beginning unconscious flow and stabling blocks of emotional life sphere let us create and improve our models and algorithms. And your obvious transformations during our training programs and consultations gave us constant confirmations of effectiveness and usefulness of our work. Your gratitude as the main of senses (you know!), supported me and my team on the way to creation.

I’d also like to express gratitude to my parents who gave me birth and love and, as well as my countless teachers whom I don’t even dare to name so as not to miss someone. Your lectures, trainings, practical tasks, master-classes, webinars and books formed my life approach. Coaching, Enneagram, NLP, Family Constellation – mastered directions through your help. Each of these methods shed light on emotional life sides and all together acquired the necessary volume and consistency.

This book has never shaped without my “favorite osteopath”, attentive and interested listener, friend, opponent, coach, transcriber and text editor, Alena Rabkevich. A year left when you agreed to accept this challenge, and support, and help me to create this “Emotional Bestseller”, “The Book of Emotional Changes”, “The Book of Feelings” and “Practical Guide for the Development of Awareness and Emotional Intelligence”. Thank you so much for your attention, which you were listening to my emotional narratives with, asked me clarifying questions, made me look for and find simple and clear examples describing difficult things. The time together, spending on the book creation, glided effectively.

And the biggest thank to my husband, Evgeny, he is my personal trainer and coach, who was constantly urging me and terrorizing me to finish this book, that he even agreed to write these thanks to everyone involved instead of me. Here he is so cool and modest, and I love him very much, although he infuriates me regularly.

    Thanks a lot.
    Inna Zakharova

Human Needs

A need is a state of a living being, expressing a dependence on what constitutes the conditions of its existence. A. Maslow in his pyramid described these needs. They can be divided into three varieties: physiological needs, psychological needs, spiritual needs.

Every person has his leading psychological need. The need can be considered as a basic one if it is satisfied by the following conditions:

• if needs are totally unsatisfied, it leads to a disease

• if needs are satisfied, it cures a disease

• In conditions of free choice, a person prefers to satisfy this particular need

As for physiological needs, everything is clear and obvious. If you don’t satisfy such needs as eating, sleeping, breathing and drinking – our body begins hurting and at the end died. Even an unsatisfied need in sexual relationships leads to race suicide. Our instincts, innate behavioral patterns, control satisfying these needs. The goal of instincts is to automatize all processes which help our organism to survive.

As for psychological needs, everything is not so clear. Emotions are instincts of a higher order. Their aim is to emphasize the importance of certain conditions for fulfilling actual needs.

Since ancient times, almost all living creatures cared for unity to deal with external threats, because where alone cannot cope with – together will be able to: “One man, no man.”

So there is an important need of man – to belong, to be part of something larger, and at the same time, a very strong fear of exclusion appears, which could mean certain death.

A group of people, united by one common goal is a system and the borders of this system define certain rules, which all group members must follow them. Following the hierarchy and following the rules means recognizing and respecting the whole system. Violation of the rules is followed by punishment, the most serious one is liquidation or exclusion. Duties and rights are determined by the hierarchy, which is also an important component of the system, primarily the tribal system, and all other systems are built on its principle.

It turns out that the opportunity to belong to a group carries new dangers: how to survive within a group, how to become an important part of it, to get better conditions for existence within a group, to take its place in the hierarchy (it’s good when you have a higher position: you have more rights and better conditions, but there are more responsibilities).

Studying emotional intelligence, we cannot consider a person as a separate unit. Man is a social being, and emotions are a connection with everyone around us. Emotions are always relationships, if there are emotions, it means there are relationships. There are always emotions, so we are always in a relationship. Even if a person is moved to a complete vacuum, he will have relationships and will experience emotions, primarily towards himself.

Relations with oneself are also systemic in nature, each “I” consists of “mother + father.” Self-attitude is formed on the basis of each parent’s self-relationship + partnerships + parent-child relationship up to the 7

generation in geometric progression.

As a result, the fate of 254 people of our family can influence us, we can add to them people who seriously affected the system (aggressors, victims, philanthropists of large sums, etc.), because they also became a part of the system. It does not matter when such events happened, if at that moment the incident was not accepted, the emotional tension is maintained and transmitted on an emotional level from generation to generation.

Feelings are emotions of a higher order. Their goal is to emphasize phenomena which have stable motivating importance. For example, if your ancestors were starving, you will keep to diets or be anxious about an empty refrigerator. If there were abandoned children in the system, you will have a desire to help orphanages, pick up homeless animals, think of adopting children, or you do not want to have children at all. Usually people don’t even realize the reason for this behavior: “I just don’t like children” and this may be a systemic feeling of guilt or even belonging. In order to fit into the system, we can do not only good and gracious things, but also things that other people condemn. For example, a teenager smokes to be a part of the company of smoking friends. So a girl can easily have an abortion if her mother and grandmother did it, and will not grieve, since this has already been a systemic rule, the women in this family do in this way, and she is one of them. And it doesn’t matter that the grandmother had an abortion in order to survive, the mother, in order to feed the elders, the granddaughter can do this simply because “25 years is not the time to give birth, I need to build a career.” There are no simple cause-and-effect relationships; the logic in family systems is circular.

To realize the importance of the emotional component of our life and the influence of our emotions not only our lives, but also on our descendants, we should consider emotions from a systemic point of view. In subsequent chapters, we will consider systemic laws and feelings that monitor their implementation. So, what are psychological needs and what applies to them:

Safety is lack of anxiety about the future, balance of stability/change, adequate resources for survival, support, internal leadership, faith.

Love is acceptance, attention, communication, unity, belonging.

Respect is the protection and expansion of the boundaries of influence, significance, independence, autonomy, rules, order.

It turns out that psychological satisfaction is having your place in a larger-scale system where you are supported and respected the boundaries of your spheres of influence, which are constantly expanding with maturation. This is happiness.

A man needs to be loved, understood, recognized, respected and be close to someone; he also needs to be successful in business, studies and work; has an opportunity to fulfill his potential, develop his abilities, improve himself, respect himself. The general law here is simple: “A positive attitude towards oneself and satisfied needs are the basis of psychological health.”

What is important to remember:

1. Satisfying basic needs is a condition of survival.

2. It is distinguished between physical, psychological and spiritual needs.

3. Instincts, emotions, feelings arose in the process of evolution to automate the satisfaction of needs, that is, the conditions of survival.