Theory of emotional relativity. Practical guide to the development of awareness and emotional intelligence

“Weakness”, “inability to influence,” “helplessness” are examples of the anti-values of the need for respect. Usually we meet with them when life circumstances are irreversible or the opponent is much stronger than us.

What do we feel at the thought of a possible encounter with anti-values? Disgust. We do not want to meet our anti-values, we want to maximize the distance from them. For example, if you have a leading need for security and you have to communicate with a person whose level of knowledge is much lower than yours, most likely you will experience arrogance, which includes disgust. When information is very valuable to you (informed means warned), and a person cannot be its source, you feel a security risk because you are wasting time, instead of this conversation you could be at home and read a book, such time would be of great benefit for you.

Some things can be a real value for one person
and an anti-value for another one!

This is called a values conflict. It can be inside one person or in the relationship of people. In such cases, we say: “I don’t understand how you can live like that!”

That is why we want to have close people with whom we’ll have common values from a high priority list, everything else is not so important, there is always the opportunity to come to an agreement. When something very important does not coincide, when it is a value for one partner, and it is anti-value for the other one, it is impossible to go through disgust that arises, it will be so strong and create such a great distance that you can’t even start a relationship with this person.

For example, one person has a need for respect, and values of autonomy, independence are at a high level of priority, while the other one has a leading need for love, and communication, closeness is very important for him. If you don’t realize these differences and do not control your feelings, then the following situation may arise: when one strives for greater intimacy, the other will move away due to the feeling that his boundaries are violated and he loses autonomy. One calls the other 5 times a day, wanting to be closer, to be initiated into all the circumstances of the other’s life, and the other gets angry every time, because it looks completely different for him. It seems he is controlled by your partner and has to report about your working day every time, which means that he is losing his independence.

When we face anti-values, we have not only disgust, but also other emotions. If we are talking about the need for security, when we meet the anti-values of this need (lack of money, a situation of uncertainty, pressure, any direct danger), fear always arises sharply. When we face anti-values of the need for love (ignoring, criticizing, condemning, humiliating), we feel shame. When faced anti-values of the need for respect (injustice, lack of obligation, weakness, lies, evasion, irresponsibility) a strong anger arises.

When the situation of meeting with anti-values has passed, we experience sadness or feelings that contain sorrow (resentment, guilt). It is explained by the fact that we did not get what we needed, besides we created a deficit for ourselves, made your own life even worse than it was. When we face any anti-values (pressure, ignoring, injustice, etc.), there is always the temptation to relieve ourselves of responsibility for what has happened and shift it to another person or to the situation as a whole. However, the sadness that inevitably arises in such cases always tells us: “Something, that YOU’ve done, haven’t led you to the result, you haven’t received or even lost your value”. A good understanding of yourself will be that you’ll understand what exactly valuable you wanted to get.

For example, you wrote an article and received a critical statement towards it: “It is dull, there is nothing in it that would attract the attention of the reader”. This criticism deeply hurt your heart. At the moment of this criticism, you are likely to feel shame (awkwardness), and then sadness (in its purest form or as part of resentment, guilt). What makes you so sad? What didn’t you get or lose? This is a question that needs to be answered within yourself. In this example, we are talking about a person with a leading need for attention. When such a person expresses himself creatively (writes an article), he is subconsciously motivated by the satisfaction of psychological needs – to receive praise, admiration, attention. But in the end, instead of them, he receives criticism that deprives the remnants of self-love. It hurts. Realizing such things, you should rethink your motivation and set a conscious goal for writing an article. For not just getting praise as a result of writing an article, but for expressing in it what is really important to you. And then you will get satisfaction from your work, and it won’t be important to you how it will be met by others. Thus, self-respect appears and when you find it, self-love will also become greater.

Three Types of Joy

1. Calmness

When we meet the values that relate to the need for security (support, knowledge, financial resources), we feel joy, it seems to confirm: “You do everything right, go ahead, do it again.” If it comes to security, then joy will be in the form of calm, lightness, relaxation. When you are in your fortress, there are people around who will support you, you know and possess information, there is enough money in your account – you are calm.

Security + value = calmness

2. Pleasure

When we meet with values relating to the need for love (intimacy, communication, compliments, attractive appearance), we will also feel joy, but in this case it will be in the form of pleasure, enjoyment. When you look at a picture that you like, you feel pleasure, when you communicate with a person who you like, you feel enjoyment.

Acceptance, attention + value = pleasure

3. Satisfaction

When meeting with values that relate to the need for respect (strength, justice, integrity, honesty, responsibility), we feel joy in the form of satisfaction. When you see your cool results that required commitment, you feel deep satisfaction from the work done.

Respect +value = satisfaction

Let’s look at the table and find out what a person with the leading need for security wants to be eager for and what he wants to get rid of.

Security

According to the list in the table, you can notice a values conflict, for example, stability and diversity, or care and freedom. Any diversity implies changes, except in situations when you, having diversity, choose the same. Care, however, implies a connection, and therefore, dependence on another person, and in this case, there can be no talk of complete freedom. There are special relationships with value rules. They are very necessary in order to understand how others should and will act, but I don’t want to act according to the rules myself, as this means a lack of choice and diversity, which are also values. When there are no rules, it’s also bad – chaos (anti-value) arises, you don’t know from whom and what to expect. It turns out that such people need rules and clear instructions, but they themselves violate them.

It turns out that a person with a leading need for security is often very controversial and indecisive, constantly doubting.

The list of values of a person with a leading need for love, acceptance, attention is given in the table below. There are practically no contradictions inside this table. With the exception of sincerity and image, often the image involves a certain embellished look. It turns out that a person with a leading need for love highly values sincerity, but does not want to show himself real.

Love

The third basic psychological need is respect. The values of a person with a leading need for respect are practically the opposite of the values of the need for love.

Respect

There are also practically no conflicts in this list, with the exception of a couple of justice and injustice. As justice is always subjective and is determined basically by systemic rules, it happens that, in an effort to restore justice, people with a leading need for respect are often not fair according to other people.

Let’s remember that all three needs are important for each of us, and look at all three tables with values. You may notice multiple conflicts. For example, autonomy satisfies the need for respect, but denies communication, which is very valuable for satisfying the need for love. And the availability of options, which is so important for satisfying the need for security, means evasion and unwillingness to make decisions that do not satisfy the need for respect. Only a good understanding of yourself, clear internal priorities and conscious goals allow you to resolve these internal conflicts and find the necessary balance among your needs. There are possible value conflicts in the table below. Columns indicate needs, and rows indicate conflicts.

It turns out that we are all constantly in a state of internal conflict. To resolve this conflict, we need emotional competence. Only emotions can show us the truth about ourselves if we learn to hear and understand them.

How to Define your Values?

Anything can be valuable to you if you have an emotional response to this (phenomenon, object, creature). If you have “skipped a beat” inside, then you have some relation to this phenomenon, action or event. You somehow distinguished it from others. So a connection has developed between you and something, “this” concerns you more than anything else.

For example, you come to some event and the first thing that impresses the most you is the beauty around: “God, how beautiful it is here”. We conclude that you are touched by the appearance of things, style, you pay attention to beauty, which means that it is in your system of values. And most likely, if you ask yourself the question “What do I feel?”, the answer will be “I feel pleasure, I am so pleased, comfortable, I feel good here.” Accordingly – what is your need being satisfied now? For love, because everything is so beautiful.

And if at the same event you say: “God, how comfortable it is, how fresh, what are comfortable sofas” – this is more about comfort, about security. However there may be variations. If you are sitting on a comfortable sofa and cannot relax, then most likely there are some other factors, values and anti-values that affect your condition. But if a comfortable sofa is enough for you to relax and do what you want, most likely this indicates that you have a body psycho type and it connects to the need for respect.

Ways of defining values:

1. In order to understand your values and anti-values, you just need to observe yourself in everyday life, note what you are emotionally reacting to, what response you have to different situations.

What am I paying attention to?
What do I like?
What is unpleasant for me?
What don’t I want?

If something feels unpleasant, you don’t want it that means you have met with an anti-value, and something opposite to it will be a value.

The criteria that we rely on when choosing purchases also tell us a lot about our values. A person with a leading need for security will choose a mobile phone out of the criteria: the model should be modern, but not too modern; it must be expensive, but at a discount; it must have a certain status, but not stand out much (so as nobody will ask questions for what money it was bought, what taxes you pay, etc.). At the same time, it is important to be at a higher level when you put the phone on the table and feel support among people from whom you want to receive support. Pay attention to the conflicting values. Many functions, features, bells and whistles, time saving, additional features, bonuses – it’s all about security.

The phone that a person with a leading need for love chooses should be, first of all, special, nice, pleasant to touch, he must express his owner, be like him. “God, he’s lilac! I like it.” Model, cost, modern functions, status are nothing in comparison to the pleasure of the aesthetic part of the subject. The prestigious, expensive model that is bought here and now is about a person with a leading need for respect. “I can afford it! I am a champion.”

2. In order to help ourselves determine the values, we suggest looking at all 3 tables, looking through them (they are very different in character from each other) and feeling the qualitative difference to the values that are listed there. Then answer yourself honestly:

Which of these tables is more about me?

We regularly note at the trainings that one of the tables is for each person, people immediately determine which values are more relevant for them as a whole in life.

• Next, it is important to establish a hierarchy of needs. It is necessary to note which table is in the first place for you, which is in the second, which is in the third. For example, in the first place is a table with the need for security, in the second – the need for love, in the third – respect. This means that you don’t pay much attention to values that are in third place.

• In order to study your values much deeper, it is necessary to work with each table separately. Write down those values that are important to you on a piece of paper from each table. This stage is important because one and the same need for security can be met through different values – someone satisfies the need for security with the help of information, someone through a large number of connections with other people in order to receive support.

• Then you need to build a hierarchy among your values. There is a special exercise that demands time and sincerity, it will likely seem unpleasant. The exercise aims at double-checking your value system. You need to remove one value from your list, each time answering the question: “And if you had to give up one thing, what would it be the first?”

When you crossed out one value, the next stage – “What would you give up now?” And so on until the end of the list.

This exercise is usually painful, because we gradually refuse the lower value for the sake of a greater value, and in the end, priorities will be set in their real way. After completing this exercise, a surprise will wait for us. After having lived through each value and sensation, you have to give up it; you look at your value system with tenderness, with a sense of inner agreement. The value which you gave up first will be at the end of the list. The value which you have not completely given up will be at the top of the values. Since we will have values from all three needs on this list, it will be obvious what your need is really leading. For example, it may turn out that all the values from the need for security will be at the bottom of the list, and at the top there will be values of the need for love, or vice versa. In this way you can look honestly at yourself. Perhaps, you worry about things that are actually not so important to you most of the time in your life. This is worth realizing while doing this exercise.