Boys Beware

Tash said that she had the hump right now, with Ali. “She’s doing baked beans again. She did baked beans last night. We’ll get bean-bound!”

We are taking it in turns to do the cooking, and this week it’s Ali’s turn. I’m all for cutting down on the workload, but I do think that baked beans two nights in a row is a bit much. I have just said this to Ali. I said, “Can’t you do something different?”

“Like what?” said Ali.

I said, “I dunno! Omelettes, or fish fingers, or something.”

Ali said that that would mean cooking. She said, “I told you before, I don’t cook. I just open tins.”

I said, “Well, couldn’t you at least have opened some other kind of tin?”

Honestly! It’s like she never even thought of it. Primly, she said that now she had opened the beans, we would have to eat them.

“You can’t waste food.”

I suggested she fed them to Fat Cat, but they are in tomato sauce and tomato sauce, it seems, is bad for cats.

“This is going to look really great in my Food Diary,” said Tash. “Monday: beans. Tuesday: beans. Wednesday—”

“Beans are good for you,” said Ali.

Tash said, “Beans give you wind.” And she pursed her lips and made a long, loud growly noise. I immediately did the same.

“That is so rude,” said Ali.

Tash said, “Beanz meanz fartz!” and we both collapsed.

Wednesday

Email from Mum. She says she is not going to email us every day, just once a week, and she would like us to email her back once a week. We have delegated this task to Ali. We feel it is the least she can do (to make up for the beans) and have told her that it will be good for her. She was quite meek about it and promised that tonight she will open a different kind of tin.

Me and Tash have just been down to see Auntie Jay and ask her about the party. She has said yes. Hooray! She has also said that we can invite whoever we want, including boys, but that a) it will have to finish by nine o’clock and b) she will have to look in on us every now and again, just to check.

“I won’t cramp your style, don’t worry! But I did promise your mum I’d keep an eye on you.”

The party is to be on Saturday week. We are quite excited! We have already made out a list of the people we intend to invite. They are: Meg Hennessy, Kim Rogers, Zoella Barling, Ishara Khan, Avril Mackie and Shauna Bates. Meg, Kim and Zoella because we are particular friends with them, the other three because they have brothers! Ishara’s is rather plain and has spots, and Avril’s is a bit of a nerd, but Shauna’s is quite nice, and in any case we reckon that any boys are better than no boys at all. We are not inviting Daisy Markham because we don’t think she deserves it, and anyway she doesn’t have any brothers.

“What about him downstairs?” said Tash.

A knotty problem! We still haven’t set eyes on him. It’s really annoying as we are for ever racing up and down the stairs or out on to the landing. We have found a secret way of referring to him, for when Ali is around. We refer to him as “Gosh”. From his name: Gus O’SHaugnessy. Pretty neat, we think! The way it works is like this. One of us, Tash for instance, will come into the room, and I will go, “Gosh?” meaning, “Did you see him?” and she will shake her head, meaning “No I didn’t.” Then a few minutes later it will be my turn. I will stand up, and stretch, and say, “Gosh,” meaning, “Now I am going to go and have a look.” And Ali will be completely mystified! I suppose it is a bit mean, keeping her in the dark, but really she is not in the least bit interested. Tash and I are just waiting for the day when one of us bursts in and cries, “Gosh!!!” meaning that at long last there has been a sighting.

We could, of course, just go downstairs and knock on the door and give him an invitation. We have discussed this, but Tash is worried in case he turns out to be hideous. I said, “How hideous could he be?” and we speculated for a while, and frightened ourselves with visions of a Kevin Trodd type creature, so now we have decided that we will give him until the weekend to show himself. If by then we still haven’t managed to check him out we shall have to ask Auntie Jay. We would really rather not as we know she’ll only laugh, but we certainly don’t want any Kevin Trodds turning up!

Thursday

Meg has promised that she will try to get her cousin Tom to come to the party and Zoella says that she knows a boy she can bring, so things are definitely starting to look up! We asked Ali this evening who she’s going to invite. She said she hadn’t thought of inviting anyone. She thought it was our party, not hers.

It made us feel guilty, when she said that. We do have this tendency to leave her out of things.

“You must at least ask Louise, “I said.

Tash said yes, and anyone else she could think of. “Like any boys you might know, for example.”

We live in hope!

I have just been reading through Mum’s list of Do’s and Don’ts, which she stuck on the back of the door before she left. This is the first time I’ve really looked at them. These are some of the things that we must DO:

. Check cooker is turned off before leaving home

. Check taps are turned off in sink and bath . Check TV is turned off

. Check windows are closed

. Check door of food cupboard is closed

. Check door of fridge is shut properly.

Oh, and CHECK IN WITH AUNTIE JAY BEFORE GOING TO SCHOOL AND AGAIN ON RETURN. We have had long lectures on that one.

As for the others … all I can say is, well! I can understand about the food cupboard, cos if Fat Man got in there and found anything even remotely consumable he would eat himself silly, but the door of the fridge? Pur-lease! Does she really think we are dumb enough to leave a fridge door open???

Still haven’t seen him downstairs.

Friday

Got back from school to find huge puddle of water on carpet. Thought at first that Fat Man had had an accident, but not even Fat Man could wee that much. In any case, he has his litter tray in the bathroom. It was Tash who traced it to the fridge … the door was open just the tiniest crack, and all the insides had melted. I cried, “Which blithering idiot didn’t shut the door properly?” I knew it couldn’t be me. I mean, I had read Mum’s list of Do’s and Don’ts.

“Who was the last one to go there?” said Tash.

We both looked at Ali.

“Who put the milk away after breakfast?”

“You did,” said Ali.

“Me?” I was outraged. How dare she blame me? “What about the butter? Who put the butter away?”

“The same person that put the milk away?” said Tash.

It’s not true! I’m sure I didn’t put the butter away. I didn’t even touch the blasted butter. I bet it was Tash!

We have come to the conclusion that there is obviously something wrong with the fridge door, since it takes such a superhuman effort to close it. We’d rather not tell Auntie Jay in case she thinks it’s something we’ve done, so Ali has come up with the bright idea – she gets them, occasionally – of leaving a bucket of water jammed in front of it. It is simple, but it does seem to work. In the meantime we have mopped up the floor and just hope that nothing has leaked down through the ceiling into the O’Shaugnessys’ flat, but we don’t think it can have done as Mr O’Shaugnessy would surely have been up here complaining?

Still no sighting of Gosh. Is he some kind of recluse???

Week 2, Saturday

Well, it has finally happened. We have seen him! Tash came bursting into the room going, “GOSH!” in tones of great excitement. It was the moment we have been waiting for, and I am pleased to record that I was ready for it. Tash plunged back out, and I immediately plunged after her. We bundled together, bumping and jostling, down the stairs, and there he was, standing in the hall, sorting through the post on the hall table. I think he was quite surprised when we came cantering up. He spun round, dropping a handful of letters as he did so, and it is definitely a case of oo-er, mushy peas and soft ice cream! How Ali could have described him as “just a boy” is quite beyond us. Surely even she could see that he is totally gorgeous? His hair, for instance, is not just a boring brown, as reported by Ali, it is golden brown, like he’s had highlights put in it, except you can see that it’s quite natural. And he has this little dimple thing in his chin, which is just so cute! I am not good at descriptions, but I think it’s enough to say that both me and Tash have gone into total meltdown. We have turned to liquid!