Making Divorce Work: In 9 Easy Steps

Whatever… This book is open to all comers – academics and idiots, old codgers and young bucks, sober judges and teenage binge drinkers. All are welcome! Let’s take the first steps together on our wonderful journey, our fantastic voyage, our magical mystery tour to a place where we will all be …

MAKING DIVORCE WORK!

Step 1 Something’s Not Right But it’s OK (#ulink_156c762d-8cd8-573f-8c27-d6b45012a291)

“I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord”

PHIL COLLINS – IN THE AIR TONIGHT

“It’s not right, but it’s OK…”

WHITNEY HOUSTON – IT’S NOT RIGHT, BUT IT’S OK

“I think I’m done with the kitchen table, baby”

GEORGE MICHAEL – OUTSIDE

Picture the scene in your head. Your relationship is ticking over nicely, you are the happiest man in the world, you work hard every day and come home every night to a loving cosy home. You think to yourself,

“Keith, it doesn’t get better than this.”

But in the back of your mind does everything seem too perfect? Do you sense something almost imperceptible changing in your loved one, something so other-worldly that it’s almost ethereal but none the less it’s there? Something so subtle that only you would notice it?

No?

Neither did I.

When it came, it came like a bolt out of the blue. On reflection I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Quick and Painless

Actually in my experience it was quick and painful. But there you are, pop your glasses on and take a look at that sentence again,

Quick and Painful

Yes it was painful, but it was also quick, it was over soon. As George Harrison once said, “What’s that noise? I think there’s someone downstairs!” Not really only joking, it’s a bit of fun… As George Harrison once said, “All things must pass,” and this is an important thing to remember when you are in the middle of relationship problems: it isn’t endless. It might feel like it is but it isn’t. As Bryan Ferry once said, “Nothing lasts forever, of that I’m sure” Having said that Avalon is still a cracker.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step…”

CHAIRMAN MAO – (HE SAID IT)

“To begin at the beginning…”

DYLAN THOMAS – UNDER MILK WOOD

“Begin the Beguine”

JULIO IGLESIAS – BEGIN THE BEGUINE

If you are going to enter into a divorce you have to be like the man at the tollbooth. You have to be willing to accept change. That’s right, it’s a joke, a simple joke and indicative of the sort of humour I’ll be peppering throughout the book to alleviate the pain and sorrow and heartbreak.

However, unlike the lowly man in the tollbooth,you won’t be looking at small change, you’ll be looking at big change. Divorce brings with it huge changes, great sweeping changes in all areas of your life, right across the board.

One of the first things to change is the lock.

Like me, you might come home one day and find that your key no longer fits your wife’s lock, another man’s key now fits. I appreciate how that looks in print but I’m afraid that’s not the sort of humour I’m talking about. I’m not denying that it’s humorous, of course it is, it’s a zinger. The point is that it’s unintentionally humorous; the double entendre just crept up uninvited and, frankly, unwelcome. If that’s the sort of thing you find “amusing” then I’m afraid this book is going to be a great disappointment to you.

In all honesty it could be a great disappointment on many other levels too, I just don’t know. It’s my first book and of course I have my doubts as to my ability to “deliver the goods” as they say in publishing, I’d be a fool not to, but that’s not going to stop me rolling up my sleeves and jumping in at the deep end. So, no off-colour humour, then. Which is not to say that I’m a prude, because I’m not, not at all. One of the best weekends of my life was a stag weekend in Plymouth for Peter Humphries in 1992. He was marrying a girl he’d met on holiday in Minehead and wanted to have his stag in Plymouth as he’d spent his Easters there as a child. If you’ve never been, it’s a heck of a town, and while there we all went to see Jim Davidson’s production of Sinderella. That’s right, with an s, Sinderella! It was quite near the knuckle but I enjoyed it, I really did. Jim was on top form, his usual cheeky self, and I have to say that the sound and lighting were some of the best I’ve ever seen (and heard) in a theatre,

and that includes “We Will Rock You”! It was that good. Anyway, the point is, I went and I enjoyed it, so I’m not a prude. However, I don’t think that a book like this is the right platform for saucy humour, so if that’s what you’re looking for I’m afraid it’s time to hunt out your receipt. Alternatively, if you haven’t yet made your purchase and you’re just browsing then please put down the book and step away from the display. I’m assuming that you’ve picked the book up from a stand-alone display that’s what Fourth Estate have promised and I have no reason to doubt them. As for Peter and Jo, it’s bad news I’m afraid. They’re not together any more, she went to see a hypnotist to give up smoking and… Well, I’m sure you can guess the rest.

That’s right, they broke up, very sad, and it’s happening more and more. The figures make for depressing reading; let’s dwell on them for a while.

In 2003 there were 143,818 divorces, that’s right, one hundred and forty-three thousand, eight hundred and eighteen! Terrible! That’s up 1.79% on the previous year. Awful. But it’s not all bad news. In the same year there were 249,227 marriages; so more marriages than divorces, hurrah! Ah, but wait… that was 7% down on the previous year. So… The figures are all over the place, like a see-saw, up and down, round and round… Actually not round and round, they’ve banned those see-saws, the ones that go round and round, too many accidents in playgrounds, the dark days of concrete flooring, before the springy rubber surface under the swings. And now a lot of them have wood chippings, which are a Godsend, although there again they can disguise the dog dirt and that can lead to all sorts of gastric complications and in some cases, blindness. It’s a minefield.

Divorce figures: like a see-saw

One thing is clear, though: any way you slice it, couples are not staying together. Why? Well, there can be many reasons for the break-up of a marriage: infidelity, unfaithfulness, betrayal, these can all play a part.

Death

One reason is the death of a partner. If this has happened to you, I urge you not to look on it as a failed marriage. Don’t get me wrong, there has been failure. Statistically speaking, the heart or liver are likely culprits. The figures make for depressing reading; let’s have a look at them.

All the usual suspects are there, the big diseases, of course, and poisoning making a return to the spotlight. Stroke is there; I always have a problem with stroke, as it’s such a nice word. It’s like saying,“How’s Tim?” “Oh, haven’t you heard? It’s awful, he’s had a cuddle.”

So death is playing its part in breaking up relationships, in particular a certain kind of death, the kind of death that isn’t a surprise to the person who dies. What am I talking about? That’s right. I’m talking about suicide. The figures make for depressing reading; let’s have a look at them.

There we are, a startling set of figures showing the trends and fashions in suicide since 1990. It’s bad news for our friends north of the border in Scotland, where they’re leading the field in taking their own lives. Why? It’s difficult to say. I suppose that there are many factors to be taken into consideration; the cold weather, poor public transport, etc. At the end of the day the cause isn’t as important as the effect, and the effect here is quite startling. The Scots are topping themselves with gusto.

“There’s a noose loose aboot this hoose!”

It’s a bit of fun; we wish them well! Next on the list, our friends in Northern Ireland. This is no surprise really, when you think of the accent. I don’t mean to be rude but that awful droning sound, going on and on, it’s just terrible; we only hear it when they talk to us but for them it’s like that all the time, even when they’re just thinking! Appalling. No wonder they’re reaching for the paracetemol …

Then the Irish themselves, not as bad as their neighbours, and again I put this down to the accent, a far more melodic sound than the northerners, quite cheery and reminiscent of happy days with Leprechauns and the like. You could almost imagine an unemployed Irish man at the end of his tether thinking, “Shall I top myself? Ah begorrah, no! Oil have a pint of Guinness!! Top of the morning to me!”

And The Winner Is…

From top of the morning to top of the pile and the least likely people in Britain to kill themselves are, drum roll please… the Welsh! I know! Unbelievable! Well done us! I’m sure that there are many reasons for this but no matter how hard I wrack my brain I can’t think of one. I expected us to be near the top (or the bottom, depending on how you look at it), what with our reputation for gloominess and all the rain that we have to put up with, but no, if anything we’re like a Principality of rugby-playing Gene Kellys, singing in the rain and smiling through the clouds.

Actually, this business of the Welsh not wanting to kill themselves is a wonderful example of prejudice and overcoming it. I’m sure you would have put money on us Welsh being the most likely to “do something silly”, simply because of prejudice. A prejudice that could have been based on nothing more than a tiny inconsequential incident that occurred many many years ago. Maybe you once sat next to a very loud Welsh person on a long arduous train journey, perhaps you had a very wet weekend camping just outside Tenby or maybe you’re a pop fan and still furious at Welsh music sensation Shakin’ Stevens for knocking Bryan Ferry’s “Jealous Guy” off the number one spot in 1981 with “This Ole House”. Maybe you’re an Eats, Shoots & Leaves kind of person and your beef with Shaky is nothing to do with his musicianship and solely based on his maverick spelling of “old”. Whatever the reason, you’re prejudiced and that prejudice is stopping you from seeing the full, clear picture.

Another thing… My father had a wonderful phrase that he liked to use: “Never judge a book by its cover” It’s a zinger, isn’t it? Basically it’s saying that appearances can be deceptive, things aren’t always what they seem, and it’s a lovely little motto to turn to although if I was being picky I would have to say that the cover is probably the best way to judge a book. Generally speaking the cover tends to hit the nail on the head with regards to indicating the overall thrust of the book itself. Coastal Walks in Pembrokeshire, for example, is almost definitely a guide to the many lovely walks that are available along the Pembrokeshire coast in South Wales, a super stretch of land with an abundant display of wildlife, particularly birds; and not, I would wager, the story of one man’s struggle against apartheid in South Africa. That sort of book would probably be called My Struggle, Oppression or, and this is a good one, Grey, meaning the colour you get if you melt black and white together which I would imagine would be the general message of this sort of book. Unless the author was a hard-line militant, hell bent on revenge, in which case it might be Bloody Hands, Boiling Point or Die Whitey, Die!, altogether more hard-hitting titles, again giving a fairly good indication of what’s inside and proof positive that you can judge a book by its cover.

But not always. Here are two tables I’ve compiled to show you that you have to always be on your guard when it comes to books and covers.

Books That You Can Judge By Their Cover

The Eyewitness Travel Guide to California