Making Divorce Work: In 9 Easy Steps

The Radio Times Guide to Films 2004

Dylan Thomas, the Complete Poems

Bruce: The Autobiography of Bruce Forsyth

Green & Black’s Chocolate Recipes

A small selection of books whose titles all give full honest accounts of the material contained within them. Please note that this is just a random selection and not a recommendation. However, I have to say that if you were looking for a good, solid, reliable, coffee-table-sized reference book on modern cinema and film, you’d have to go a long way to better The Radio Times Guide to Films 2004. Now, just to show the other side of the coin …

Books That You Can’t Judge By Their Cover

Julia Phillips, You’ll Never Eat Lunch in This Town Again; NOT an indispensable guide to bad restaurants and cafés, but in fact a fascinating tale of power and excess in Hollywood during the 1970s.

Martin Amis, Yellow Dog; I haven’t read it but I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with Labradors.

The Grapes of Wrath; actually about poor people.

A Clockwork Orange; a very nasty book.

Look Twice…

So Dad was right and wrong at the same time. Let’s be clear about something, though: I’m not saying that my Dad was wrong,I would never say that. I think what his clever little phrase meant was basically “look twice”, “don’t be so sure”. Here’s an example of the sort of thing Dad was talking about. We’ve established that the Scots are far more likely to kill themselves than the Welsh, but look at these two photos:

One was taken in Scotland, the other in Wales; can you guess which is which? Go on, have a go! OK, I’m willing to bet that you think that the one on the bottom is Wales and the one on the top is Scotland, yes? Our survey says… Uh, uh!!! Wrong! It’s the other way around, the one on the top is Wales and the one on the bottom is Scotland! Thanks, Dad, you were right! Sometimes you can’t judge a book by its cover.

“They seemed so happy…”

Let me ask you another question if I may. How often have you heard a friend or relative say, “Guess who’s splitting up?” and then when he or she tells you who it is, it comes as a complete shock? That’s right, lots of times, we all have. Why is it such a shock?

Because it’s a surprise. (Figure 9)

These days, with divorce rates soaring, it is almost impossible to predict which couples will stay together and which ones will split up.

Or is it? Try this little quiz to see how good you are at spotting who will stay together “’til death do us part”.

If I were to tell you that I had devised a method that could predict the success of a marriage, based purely on a detailed analysis of photographs taken on the wedding day, would you be interested? I thought so! Then read on …

On the following three pages are photographs of three couples on their wedding days. All seemingly happy pictures of young, healthy men and women on the most important day of their lives, with their futures together ahead of them, the hopes and dreams of their respective families held in their conjoined arms; but which if any will end in tears? I want you to study the pictures closely and see if you can spot any clues to help you predict which of the couples are still together. Maybe by doing so you will be able to choose more wisely yourself next time! It’s a bit of fun.

N.B. All the weddings took place in 1995. I’m writing this in 2004, so they’ve all passed the dreaded seven-year itch!

Right, couple number one. Look closely at them and see what you can see in their faces. Future happiness? Despair? A bit of both? Quite a posh wedding in that they have doves although I must say that from only looking at the picture it’s difficult to be sure whether they’re releasing the doves or desperately trying to catch them.

These seem like a very happy couple, or did they also have doves, and store them too close to an extractor fan? Are the newlyweds about to look to the sky and come face to face with feathered carnage? We’ll never know and it doesn’t matter. Let’s just savour the moment of happiness captured forever.

Hmm, yes,I know what you’re thinking… Less a case of, “Are they still together?” and more, “Is she still alive?”

Now that you’ve seen all the photos of the happy couples, let me give you a word of advice: Look at them again. Are there any telltale signs that you’ve missed? Body language enthusiasts can have a field day with this kind of thing. Look at the way the couples stand: is there an uneasy air to any of them? The way they’re standing, peculiar looks on faces, what does this tell us? Can you spot a distance or awkwardness, an underlying tension? Have any of the men got beards? My Uncle Gethyn had a beard and he did eighteen months for misappropriation of council funds.

Study very closely; think of yourself as a detective, Inspector Morse with Lewis, Hercule Poirot with his wax moustache or maybe Miss Marple with her cardigan combing a crime scene for vital clues. Not that the pictures contain any crimes, I’m not claiming that for a minute, of course I’m not. Having said that, in all honesty at the end of the day we don’t know. We could easily be looking at no more than a parade of particularly cunning bigamists, or three at the most. I think it unlikely that there would be more than three in our selection, as it would mean that some of them had married each other, bigamist on bigamist, and that surely is a statistical rarity. In its defence though I would say that it probably eases the pain of discovering that your husband/wife is a bigamist if you already are one yourself; it would give you a certain empathy “Fair enough, I know how he/she feels…”. Still, any way you slice it you would have been deceived, lied to, conned, and no one likes that, it can leave you with a distrust of your fellow human beings that can stay with you for the rest of your waking days.

Back to the quiz! Which couples are still together and which ones have parted? Have you made up your mind? OK, see here (#ulink_0d9b698e-c142-5d97-863a-6006fe3c2174) to find out, I think it will shock you …

Role-play

Welcome to our first role-play. Role-playing is a vital part of understanding relationships and can be a great tool to unlock the door to the mystery of happiness. The role-plays that I have created are all for two players, usually a man and a woman although at the time of writing I am in talks with my publishers about a gay role-play. More news on that when I have it, but don’t hold your breath …

The role-plays will occur at the end of each step and will serve as an opportunity to recap on what we’ve (you’ve) just learnt, allowing us (you) to almost experience the emotions, feelings and frustrations expressed in the chapter, viewing them from your own unique perspective. One slight word of warning though: role-plays are traditionally best when acted out by more than one person. The very fact that you are reading this book suggests there is every chance that you are on your own. If this is the case, don’t despair (any more than you already do about everything else in your life). If you have been separated for any length of time you will now be the proud owner of the greatest gift that solitude can bring, that is A VIVID IMAGINATION. Now is your opportunity to reap the harvest of endless days picturing dates, times, scenarios and, most importantly third parties. So, curtain up, lights, cameras… ACTION!

The Roles:Brad,39, tall, tanned, good-looking tennis pro. You are a happy, easy-going man, proud father of two small boys, the apples of your eye. You spend much of your time, when not on the court, looking after your little smashers and getting the house ready for your wife,Jennifer.

Jennifer,you are 38, an attractive busty woman who can be misunderstood as being somewhat sharp tempered but are, in fact, deep down a warm, caring, lovely individual.

The Scenario: Home.

Jenniferhas been coming home later and later every night for the last month, she smells of cigarettes and alcohol and issecretive about the text messages she receives in the early hours of the morning. You are woken by the sound of her falling into the bedroom at 3 a.m.

This role-play shows the moment when both players realize that something isn’t right.

N.B. The role-playing is multiple choice! You may be trying this exercise on your own; if that is the case it’s a good idea to denote the different characters within the role-play clearly and concisely. One way is this: for Brad sit down, for Jennifer, stand up, puff out your chest and loom overBrad.

BRAD Hello, love, where have you been? I have suspicions regarding your recent behaviour.

JENNIFER What?

BRAD I said, “Where have you been? I have suspicions regarding your recent behaviour.”

JENNNIFER Are you talking to me?

BRAD Yes.

JENNIFER What?

BRAD What?

JENNIFER What did you say?

BRAD I said, “What?”

JENNIFER No, before that …

BRAD I said, “Yes.”

JENNIFER No, before that …

BRAD I said I have suspicions about your recent behaviour.

JENNIFER Brad, for heaven’s sake, you have to believe me. I love you and I always will …