The Good Behaviour Book: How to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten

Defiance. Understanding why your toddler says no helps you not to be threatened by this toddler behaviour. Your toddler is not actually being defiant or stubborn. He is not saying, “I won’t”; rather, he is saying, “I don’t want to.” Often he will give you two or three “nos” before he says, “OK”. Or he is experimenting, thinking, “What happens when I say no?” He is thinking, “I am into my thing now. This is my time, my space, and I have a right to it.” This behaviour is a normal part of your toddler’s struggle to develop a sense of self.

Around two, we would be met with a “No!” when we tried to remove a toddler from mischief, as if he perceived we were encroaching on the territory he had staked out. He was trying to see what power he had to enforce that right. During this stage, both parents and their toddlers need to learn a vital developmental lesson: the ability to give and take “no”. When a parent feels threatened by a toddler’s “no”, harsh words are likely to come: “Don’t you say that to me.” A confident parent will not perceive this as a threat to authority but rather as a healthy stage all toddlers need to go through. A mature adult does not react anxiously or punitively when the attachment-parented toddler says no. Instead, the parent calmly takes each situation as it comes and guides according to his or her wisdom.

helping a toddler ease into independence (#ulink_b806346e-6393-5c45-beb4-231f57db9be6)

The child needs to break from the mother in order to learn about his environment and about himself; the mother needs to let her child go and learn how to maintain their connection over a longer distance. As with so many aspects of discipline, it’s a question of balance, giving the child enough slack to become independent, yet keeping the connection. Mother does not let the child go off entirely on his own, nor does she keep him hanging on to her apron strings because of her own fears or need for his continuing dependence. Throughout the second year, parents may feel they are walking a fine line between being over-restrictive and being negligent. One way carries the risk of hindering a baby’s development, the other of allowing the baby to hurt himself or others or damage property. Here are some ways of keeping connected while helping your baby separate.

Play “out of sight” games. Beginning around nine months of age or earlier, play peek-a-boo and chase around the furniture with your baby. As you hide your face with your hands or you hide your body on the other side of the couch, the baby has the opportunity to imagine that you exist even though you’re out of sight.

Separate gradually. Best odds for a baby developing a healthy sense of self are for the baby to separate from the mother and not the mother from the baby. Discipline problems are less likely to occur when baby separates from mother gradually. When the baby inside the toddler remains connected, the toddler part of this growing person feels more secure to go off on his own. The connected child takes a bit of mother with him for comfort and advice during his explorations. It’s like having the best of both worlds – oneness, yet separateness. We learned to appreciate this feeling during our family sailing adventures. Because our sailboat was fitted with an electronic homing device that kept us “connected” to a radio control tower on land, we felt secure venturing farther out into the ocean. Connection provides security.

weaning from attachment

Weaning means a child is ripe – the needs of one stage of development are filled so that the child is ready to take on the challenges of the next stage. The key to weaning is that it be gradual because weaning is a process, not an event. In the process of gradual weaning, the parent sees to it that the child is filled with one set of competencies as she becomes ready to take on the next set. Consider the close connection achieved by practising the baby basics: being responsive to baby’s cries, breastfeeding, and babywearing. These are natural discipline tools that can lessen the anxiety of toddlerhood, freeing up this little person to tackle challenges smoothly. A toddler who still breastfeeds, spends some time being worn in a sling, and gets responsive parenting continues to get the attachment tools that equip him to become gradually independent. This process cannot be rushed. When the baby inside the toddler stays connected, the toddler has the self-assurance he needs to separate.

Many toddlers I see in my practice are not like some I read about. These infants, who are not prematurely weaned, are positive kids, not at all the negative persons or the terrible twos commonly portrayed in baby books and child magazines. In my twenty-two years in paediatric practice I have noticed that the most well behaved children are those that were not weaned before their time.

But won’t prolonged attachment spoil a child? Yes, if mother is possessive – holding on to her toddler to fulfil her own needs for attachment at the expense of her child moving on. No, if the mother allows a weaning from each attachment stage as mutually agreed upon by mother and toddler. Contrary to the popular belief that extended attachment hinders independence, we notice that babies who are not prematurely rushed through any attachment stage and weaned before their time actually become more independent. And many attachment studies support our observation.

Mothers who wean early believe they may gain some freedom. Possibly, yes, but there is a trade-off. With early weaning you lose a valuable discipline tool. Attachment mellows toddler behaviour. We believe that much of toddler misbehaviour, such as anger and aggression, and behaviours that are passed off as “normal twos” are really behaviours of premature detachment. We pay a price for precocious independence. Early weaning from the breast, from primary caregivers, and from the home is a norm in Western society. A great deal of confusion about discipline methods is also characteristic of this same society. Any connection? The best way to build age-appropriate discipline into your parent-child relationship is to allow the child to separate from the parent instead of the parent prematurely separating from the child.

The problem with many of the modern theories about discipline is that they focus so much on fostering independence that they lose sight of the necessity for a toddler to continue a healthy dependence. Try to achieve the delicate balance between maintaining the connection and encouraging self-reliance.

Take leave properly. Our eighteen-month-old grandson Andrew has very polite parents. Bob and Cheryl are careful to let him know when one of them plans to “disappear” into the next room. Because Andrew is separation-sensitive, he taught them to do this from a very early age. Especially important is saying “Good-bye!” “See-ya”, and “Daddy’s going to work.” Andrew is able to handle even his mother’s leave-taking because there have never been any rude surprises. Including your child in your leave-taking helps him know what the score is at any given moment. He can trust his parents to keep him posted.

Be a facilitator. Children will naturally become independent. It is not your job to make them independent but rather to provide a secure environment that allows them to become independent. As your child is struggling for a comfortable independence, you become a facilitator. You are like a battery charger when the little dynamo needs emotional refuelling. One moment he is shadowing you, the next moment he is darting away. How much separation can he tolerate and does he need? How much closeness? The child needs to maintain the connection while increasing the distance. Toddlers who behave best are those that find the balance of attaching and exploring as they go from security to novelty. Your job as facilitator is to help the child achieve that balance. That’s the partnership you and your toddler negotiate.

Substitute voice contact. If your young toddler is playing in another room out of your sight and starts to fuss, instead of immediately dropping what you are doing and rushing to baby’s aid, try calling to him instead, “Mummy’s coming!” Maintaining a dialogue with a toddler outside the shower door has prevented many a separation protest.

Shift gears if separation isn’t working. Sometimes even a baby who was “easy to leave” suddenly becomes a toddler who is separation-sensitive. If baby isn’t taking well to your absences, you might try more creative ways of staying happy yourself that don’t involve leaving your baby. What you may perceive as a need to escape may actually be a need for you to give yourself more nurturing.

Provide “long-distance” help. Exploring toddlers get stuck in precarious places. The protector instinct in all parents makes us want to rush and rescue the stuck baby. Sometimes it’s good to encourage from the sidelines and let the young adventurer get herself out of the mess. While writing this section, I observed two-year-old Lauren trying to negotiate her doll buggy down a short flight of steps. Halfway down, the buggy got stuck and Lauren began to protest. Instead of immediately rushing to help her, I offered an encouraging “Lauren do it.” That was all she needed to navigate her buggy down the rest of the steps. Encouraging toddlers to work themselves out of their own dilemmas helps them develop a sense of self-reliance.

Watch for signs of separation stress. There are times when toddlers still need to cling, some more than others. On days when your usually fearless explorer won’t leave your side, honour his wishes but try to figure out why he is staying so close. Does he feel ill? Have you been distracted or too busy to attend to him? Has he had more separation than he can handle lately? Refuel his connectedness “tank” with some time together, and he’ll be off on his own again soon.

Have “just being” time. Take time to let your toddler just be with you, on your lap cuddling and talking, if he wants, at various times throughout the day. Says Martha: “First thing in the morning is a favourite time for our Lauren to want this, especially if she’s slept in her own bed that night, or if I got up before her and we miss that snuggle time in bed. If I let her ‘be’ until she calls a halt, she charges herself for a nice long stretch of independent time. It’s not always easy for me to sit still long enough to let this happen, yet I’m always glad when I do.”

Encourage relationships with other significant adults. Grandparents, family friends, a substitute caregiver you use regularly can help your older toddler learn to depend on adults other than his parents. Invite significant others into your child’s life so that as he separates from you he learns that he can depend on a variety of people for help.

Remember, children’s behaviours are more challenging to deal with when they are making the transition from one developmental stage to the next. By easing the transition, you lessen the discipline problems that tag along.

from two to three (#ulink_3075851d-0475-540a-8ef6-6cfdca39ee19)

Not only is “the terrible twos” a terrible term, it’s unfair. Though admittedly challenging, the twos (and threes!) are also terrific. The big transformation that takes place in a child’s abilities is in the area of language. The toddler has fairly good receptive language – he understands most of what you say. The child of two can make himself understood much better; expressive language blossoms. This two-way verbal communication makes discipline easier. Language lets the two-year-old use adult resources to his advantage and helps him feel “big”. Of course, there will be frustrating moments when your two-year-old struggles to make himself understood or discovers that he can’t make the world fit all his expectations.

Fitting into family. The two-year-old begins to have an awareness of the balance of power within the family. This little person begins to size up limits, how far he can go with mum, dad, brothers and sisters, and familiar caregivers. He is more in control of his home environment and can make things happen there. He has explored every nook and cranny and has conducted independent research on every room in the house. He sees himself as king of the domain. He claims all for himself. To older sibs, he becomes imperious: “My mummy” (not yours). Two-and-a-half-year-old Lauren summed it up the other day when she spotted some cut flowers Hayden had just received from a boyfriend. She assumed what was obvious to her and blurted out, “Oh, Brandon, is this for me?”

Advance notice. Twos don’t make transitions well. They get so engrossed in their own agenda that they don’t easily conform to someone else’s. When it’s three o’clock and time for your daughter to leave the playgroup, she won’t want to go. Respect this developmentally appropriate quality of engrossment, and give your child advance warning of departure. (For practical departure tips (#ulink_23857479-30af-576a-8672-bf824feedc1b).)

Fixed mind-sets. Twos and threes thrive on rituals and routines. The drive for organization at this stage makes them intolerant of changes that seem trivial by adult standards. If you get into the mind of a growing child and see how it operates, you’ll understand this developmental thinking. In the early years a child stores thousands of patterns of association in the mind. These patterns help the child make sense of the world, but some children greet any variation from the pattern with a protest. For example, when Matthew was three, the jam had to be on top of the peanut butter in the sandwich. That is what he was used to and that was the pattern fixed in his mind. If we forgot and spread the jam first, he fell apart. This did not mean he was being stubborn or unreasonable; the new way just didn’t fit his expectations.

Order in the house. This may not be readily apparent, but twos and threes actually behave better in an orderly environment. A disorderly environment invites disorderly conduct. Young children’s developing nervous systems are searching for organization. Heaps of clothes and toys can bring out a frenzy of flinging in children. Instead of toy boxes, try toy shelves. Low shelves with one-foot-square compartments, each containing one or two treasured toys, are much better than a pile of toys in a big box. This makes it easier to choose something to play with. Too many piled-up toys confuse a child and give the message that care is not needed. Rotate toys frequently to keep interest high.

Besides creating an ordered environment, giving your child a place for her belongings encourages a sense of responsibility. Show your child how to use eye-level pegs or plastic hooks for hanging clothing, and have a special place for shoes. One of the most frustrating moments of a parent’s day is not being able to find a child’s shoes – or worse, finding only one shoe when it’s time to go out. Show your child how always to place shoes together (or when older, tie them together) “so that they will be easy to find in this special shoe place.” Children will be as messy as we let them be, or as neat as we help them to be. Living in a world that is chaotic disturbs children at a stage of their development when they are trying to put order in their lives.

Threes have the mental ability to follow directions, and they retain the memory of familiar places. They can remember where things in the house go, and they begin to realize that each toy has its place. Capitalize on this mental maturity by giving your child credit for knowing this. Instead of “Put the book in the bookshelf”, try “Please put your book where it belongs.”

Social chairman. Your child’s job at this age is to learn social skills, to learn to play cooperatively, and to be sensitive to others’ needs and feelings. Your job as disciplinarian is to set the conditions that allow your child’s social skills to mature. This job description includes seeking out well-matched playmates, refereeing squabbles, and, if necessary, selecting appropriate day care or preschool. Weaning from you as the primary playmate and from playing alone to playing with other children is a mixed blessing. The good news is your child learns developmental skills in the company of other children. The bad news is he may learn behaviours you don’t want him to learn. This is why one of your main jobs as disciplinarian for the two- and three-year-old is to structure the child’s social life to work to her advantage.

Beginning manners. Two- and three-year-olds are ready to learn manners. It helps to understand just how far a child is mentally and emotionally capable of carrying out these social graces at this stage. A true understanding of sharing and politeness is based on the ability to get into other people’s minds and appreciate their viewpoint. This level of understanding seldom clicks in prior to age five. Also, children under five think in particulars, not generalities. You can teach your child to say thank you when grandma gives her a biscuit. But she may say thank you without prompting only when granny gives her a biscuit, not when you do. Around five years of age the child develops the ability to generalize “thank you” and discovers that it is the appropriate response anytime anyone gives her anything. Even so, it is still good to establish the habit of politeness in a child’s growing mind, even if the child is polite mostly for the sake of parental approval and to get what she wants. It is easier for the meaning of manners to take hold in the child’s mind if the custom has already been stored there.

Children learn manners by how mannerly you are toward them. At two-and-a-half, Lauren learned that if she tacked on the word “please” (“pees”) to her request, it got her a very gracious and usually positive response. Twos soon learn which social charms give them a richer life. Expect and model politeness toward adults and toward other children, yet keep in mind that a two-year-old’s abilities to cooperate with others are limited. (See “Sharing” (#litres_trial_promo).)

“I do it myself.” Yes, your child can, with a little help from a friend. Expect this normal show of independence to bloom fully between ages two and three. Take advantage of this opportunity to foster responsibility and self-help. Allow plenty of time whenever you can to wait for your child finally to fit that foot in that shoe. Then when you are in a hurry you can matter-of-factly say without guilt, “Not this time, Mummy wants to hurry.”

Says Martha: “I remember two-year-old Lauren, watching her four-year-old brother hop out of the car seat and car himself, deciding that she didn’t want my help once her restraint strap was off. She was ready for a change in the routine but hadn’t notified me ahead of time. As I reached for her she stiffened and resisted my lifting her out, yelling ‘no’ and ‘me.’ I knew intuitively she wasn’t being defiant. It was her first ‘do it myself.’ It took three times as long as it would have if I had scooped her up as usual, but I put on my brakes and called up patience and good humour, seeing this as a time for her to try out being big. Once again, a toddler is teaching me to slow down and enjoy life.”

discipline gets easier (#ulink_acf77204-47dc-5695-b51e-0f333921663e)

Threes are easier to live with. The three-year-old now has the language skills that let two-way communication become real conversation. She is a more settled person, having spent a whole year refining her language skills. You can take Three shopping and actually enjoy it.

Internalizing. “I’ve told my eighteen-month-old over and over not to pull the cat’s tail.” Sound familiar? Mothers find themselves saying things over and over and over to their toddlers, and “it’s as though he never heard it”. Many directives don’t sink in; not because your child is being defiant but because most children under two don’t yet have the cognitive ability to remember and reflect on prior instructions. You’ll just have to keep saying things – that’s how he learns at this age. One day you’ll realize you haven’t warned him about the cat’s tail for a week. Between two and three years children begin to internalize what you say to them. They pay more attention to directions and store them in their memory bank as part of their own operating code. When you say “No street” to an eighteen-month-old, he may act like he never heard it before. When you say the same thing to a three-year-old, he seems to reflect, “Oh, yes, I remember.” The ability to make instructions part of himself makes discipline easier.

Sharing emotions. The three-year-old is less egocentric and realizes there are people in the world who are as important as himself. This budding sensitivity can work to a caregiver’s advantage or disadvantage in discipline. While Two notices her parents’ emotions, Three gets involved with them. An entry from Matthew’s baby journal noted this event: Martha asked three-year-old Matt to pick up his wooden blocks as part of our daily kids pick-up time. Matt balked and then was slyly letting his older sister do all the work. Because she was irritated at the moment, Martha yelled that she was unhappy with his not obeying but then realized Matt needed time to reconsider his position. She backed off for a few minutes, and Matthew then willingly did his job. As he was picking up his blocks he said, “Do you still love me?” Martha reassured him, “Even when you cry and yell and disobey, I love you.” Matt persisted, “Do you like me?” Martha answered, “Yes, I like you, but I don’t like it when you don’t listen and help. I like it when you make the right choices.” Job done, Matthew came over, hugged Martha, and said “I’m sorry, Mummy.” Martha hugged him back and said, “I’m sorry for yelling.” A few minutes later he said, “Are you happy to me?” This is the depth of emotional exchange you can expect between three and four years of age. They really want to make you happy. You will find living with children much easier if you give them many opportunities to please.

Three becomes more satisfied with herself or himself. Three begins to praise “self”. One night our three-year-old Matthew announced, “I turned on the Christmas tree all by myself.” We acknowledged his triumph by exclaiming, “Wow!” He said, “I’m so happy to myself.”

House rules. Three is often described as the “absolute mother’s dream” stage, mainly because threes are obedient. The “nos” of two become “yeses” for three. “OK, Mum” comes more quickly and willingly. While disagreements still happen, you can now breathe easier knowing that you are likely to meet a willing Three rather than a negative Two. While Two thinks no one else’s agenda could possibly be as important as her own, Three considers the needs of others. Expect her to come when asked, put away toys when asked (usually), and generally want to please, though these changes will not come overnight.

Three understands house rules and consequences for breaking them, and he begins to internalize parents’ values. You can gradually expand your explanations of what you expect according to your child’s mental maturity. While Two still operates on an association of act and consequences (“I hit, I get put in the time-out chair”), Three can now understand why he shouldn’t ride his tricycle into the street. Threes are beginning to think before they act; but don’t count on it. When they do think about the consequences of their act, they do not yet have the ability to consider the rightness or wrongness of the action; they just click into what you have taught them – ride the trike into the street and it gets put away in the garage. Discipline at this age involves conditioning the child to act a certain way rather than teaching him to make moral judgments. (The concept of right and wrong develops around ages six or seven.) Discipline techniques that were marginal for Twos, work better at three. Parents wonder how much their three-year-old actually understands. As a rule of thumb, at all ages, estimate how much your child understands and double it. The out-of-control Three can understand time-out as a time in the “quiet corner” to regain control.

Choices, choices, choices. Threes thrive on choices. Sharing in the selection process makes them feel important, and they are more likely to cooperate. Share your choice making with Three. (“Which dress should Mummy wear, the blue one or the red one?”). Children with persistent personalities (“power kids”) need choices. (Be sure you like all the alternatives you offer.) Most kids do best with two choices; more may overwhelm them. Don’t feel you have to be psychologically correct all the time. In some situations you just have to pull rank and give your child a matter-of-fact command.

Vivid imagination. This is the stage where children spend much of their time immersed in pretend play. They create imaginary scenes for their own personal enjoyment. The ability to live in a make-believe world helps children learn about the real world. They role-play endlessly: pretending to be animals, mummy and daddy, doctor and patient, truck drivers, teachers, and princesses. Share in your child’s imaginative play (“Who will come to your tea party?”). Your child’s pretend play is a wonderful window into what’s going on in her mind.

Try using your child’s imagination to get him to cooperate. Here’s how one mother taught her three-year-old to brush his teeth: “On Billy’s toothbrush there is a little picture of Oscar the Grouch, so I become the voice of Oscar the Grouch. I say, ‘is there any trash in your teeth? Let me come in and see.’ He immediately opens his mouth for Oscar to come in and look at his teeth and eat up the trash that’s in there. Then we talk about having clean teeth, and how we don’t want to leave trash in our teeth. Brushing Billy’s teeth has not become a big issue because I help him cooperate.”

The mind of the preschool child is rich with fantasy. To three-year-olds Big Bird and Barney are real. They don’t waste energy separating real from pretend; they sit back and enjoy. While parents may feel it’s their disciplinary duty to purge their child’s gullible mind of things unreal, resist this urge. Strike a balance. Let the child enjoy his fantasies, and as his thought processes become more sophisticated he will accept that these fictitious characters are only pretend. You don’t have to manipulate his environment in order to maintain the fiction, the way some parents do to keep a child believing in Santa or the Easter Bunny. Just enjoy these games for what they are – pretend. Santa at best is a jolly, benevolent figure, not a punishing one. Everyone enjoys fantasy, and even for adults it’s therapeutic. Use your child’s behaviour as a barometer of whether his imaginary experiences are helpful or harmful. The same imaginative mind that creates the fantasies also creates fears. We make sure our children know it’s Mummy and Daddy who give them gifts at Christmas. We’ve never agreed with telling children that “Santa Claus” is watching to see if they’re good. Be especially vigilant about cartoons. (See “Helping Your Child Handle Fears” (#litres_trial_promo).)

chapter 4 saying no positively (#ulink_2ac59906-f14f-599d-8cd7-7a163779ac99)

Parents spend the first nine months saying “yes”. From nine to eighteen months you’ll do a lot of distracting and redirecting. Baby will be introduced to frustration gradually as your responses to his wants and needs become less and less immediate.

After that the “nos” become more direct. “No” is a power-packed word, quick on the lips, easy to say; it gets results if you expect it to and say it without being abusive. Your child will hear this word often from you; you will hear it from your child as well. Here’s how to use this negative little word to teach positive messages.

the importance of saying no (#ulink_6014aa50-52d6-5e6b-8a44-de00d5cdac2b)

It’s necessary for a parent to say no to a child so the child can later say no to herself. All children – and some adults – have difficulty delaying gratification. “I want it now” is a driving desire, especially in toddlers. Learning to accept no from someone else is a prelude to saying no to oneself. What gets children (and adults) into trouble is a knee-jerk, impulsive reaction to a want – an immediate yes – without taking time to run it through their internal sensor and consider the necessity of saying no to themselves.