The Good Behaviour Book: How to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten

Strike a balance. Too many “nos” and too many “yeses” cripple a child’s self-discipline. It’s important to achieve the right blend of “yeses” and “nos” in a child’s environment. If you rarely say no to your child, the few times that you do he’ll disintegrate because he is not used to being frustrated. If his whole day is full of “nos”, the child believes the world is a negative place to be and will grow up a negative person. The real world will always be full of “yeses” and “nos”. In many homes, children soon learn who is the “yes” parent and who is more likely to say “no”. Even the Ten Commandments have dos and don’ts. As the child gradually learns this lesson of life, she’s on her way to having a healthy, balanced personality.

“Nos” grow too. The art of saying “no” develops along with your baby. During the first year, a baby’s needs and wants are the same, so that you are mainly a “yes” parent. During the second year, baby’s wants are not always safe or healthy, so you become a “yes” and “no” parent. From nine to fourteen months, no-saying is straightforward. We call them “low-energy nos”. Between fourteen and eighteen months, as babies click into overdrive, they get easily frustrated and are likely to protest being steered in a direction other than the one they want to go. This is when you will need both high-energy “nos” and very creative alternatives, such as the distraction and substitution approach, which is intended to minimize wear and tear on you and your child. By eighteen months, no-saying can begin to be more matter-of-fact. Parents can begin to convey an attitude of “that’s life, and I’m confident you can deal with it”. By two years of age toddlers become infatuated with saying no themselves. (See “Defiance” (#ua05efc30-0cab-46ed-8cd8-cad895dff7b1).)

creative alternatives to “no” (#ulink_06988f9a-770d-5352-8703-e83308dcb58b)

One morning when she was eighteen months old our daughter Lauren, who was going through an impulsive phase, was flitting around the house climbing on and getting into everything. She was endangering herself and trashing the house. After the twentieth “No”, I was tired of hearing that word and so was Lauren. On the wall in one of our children’s bedrooms I noticed a poster of a kitten stuck out on a limb at the top of a tree. The caption read, “Lord, protect me from myself.” I realized that Lauren needed rescuing from her impulsive self. She needed a change of environment. We spent the rest of the day outside. Parks and playgrounds provide space and a “yes” environment in which to roam and climb. If you find yourself isolated with a curious toddler who is flitting from thing to thing, and you’re chasing him around the house saying no, consider changing to something more fun. Go outside; take along a good book and plant yourself in a safe location to let him run.

The fewer “Nos”, the better your day goes.

Teach stop signs. Even in the early months, teach your baby to recognize body language that means stop. Your baby needs to be exposed to “stop” body language long before hearing the no word. The first nip on Mother’s nipple during breastfeeding will invoke an “ouch” sign on your face; the first time your baby reaches for something dangerous, your face will register alarm. You are likely to get best results from your stop signs if your baby has been so used to positive body language that any change makes him sit up and take notice. Your “nos” will be more meaningful during toddlerhood if your baby sees a lot of “yes” body language: looks of pride and approval, gestures of delight and pleasure, eye-to-eye contact, hugs, tickles, and a sparkly face that says “I love you. You’re great!”

We have noticed that attachment-parented children, because they spend hours a day in their parents’ arms and in face-to-face contact, easily learn to read parents’ faces and body language. Having lots of face-to-face contact in the early months makes face-to-face communication easier in the months and years to come. Some children are so impressed by body language that you can get your point across without saying a word. An expressive mother of a connected two-year-old told us: “Usually all I have to do is glance at her with a slight frown on my face, and she stops misbehaving.”

Teach stop sounds. Often a change in your mood or body language is not enough to redirect impulsive actions. Words are needed. Children soon learn which discipline words carry more power and demand quicker response than others. And children soon learn which tone of voice means business and which allows for some latitude. Arm yourself with a variety of “stop-what-you’re-doing” sounds so that you can choose one that fits the occasion. Tailor the intensity of the sound to the gravity of the behaviour. Save the really big sound for the true danger.

Create alternatives to the n-word. Constantly saying no causes this word to lose its power. Since stop sounds are used mainly to protect, try using more specific words that fit the situation. Consider this example: when a toddler is about to reach into the cat’s litter tray your first reaction is to say “No!” but you follow it up with an explanation, “Dirty! Make you sick.” Next time the child goes for the litter tray (and he will do it again), instead of no, say, “Dirty! Make you sick.” That and a disgusted expression on your face will help the child learn the why as well as the what of good behaviour, and the litter box will lose its attraction. (We are assuming here that the litter tray is kept in a location well away from the toddler’s beaten path. Cat litter, like sand, is irresistible to babies.) Babies start reaching for “no-nos” around six months. A good phrase to use early on is “Not for Josie”. By the time baby is a toddler this phrase will be familiar and matter-of-fact.

mastering “the look”

You can often correct a child without saying a word. I have noticed that master disciplinarians use a look of disapproval that stops the behaviour but preserves the child’s self-image, a type of “I mean business” look. Martha, after disciplining eight children, has mastered “the look”: head turned a bit, eyes probing, just the right facial gesture and tone of voice to convey to the child, “I don’t like what you’re doing, but I still feel connected to you. I know that you know better.” Remember, your eyes will disclose what you are really thinking and feeling. If you are feeling anger or contempt toward your child, that’s what she will read in your eyes. If one or both of you recognize this is happening, you will have to apologize for the harshness of the feelings communicated toward her person by “the look”. Be sure that stop signs and stop sounds stop the behaviour and not the growth of self-worth in your child. Your child should understand that you disapprove of the behaviour, not the child. Follow the look with a hug, a smile, or a forthright explanation: “I don’t like what you did, but I do like you.”

“the voice”

Besides mastering “the look”, reserve a special tone of voice for those occasions when you must get your point across vocally. A veteran disciplinarian shared her secret with us: I am an easy-going mummy, but my children know just by my tone of voice when they have crossed the line. One day our two-year-old was misbehaving and our four-year-old said, “Don’t mess with Mummy when she talks like that!”

Coincidentally, one day while we were writing this chapter, two-year-old Lauren came prancing into our study clutching a bag of peanuts. Instead of grabbing the peanuts from her and shouting “No!” (they are on our chokeable food list for children under three), Martha looked Lauren straight in the eye and calmly said, “Not for Lauren.” Her tone of voice and concerned look stopped Lauren in her tracks. Martha picked Lauren up (still clutching the peanuts) and headed off for the pantry, where they found a safer snack. By using our standard “not for Lauren” phrase and giving her a safe alternative, she didn’t have time to consider throwing a fit, which a no surely would have produced. (For more alternatives to no, see discussions of redirectors (#ulink_97142149-015f-552a-a6d9-082d927ed185) and here). In any family there will be items that are “not for” the little one. When you use this phrase calmly and consistently from early on, the toddler understands you are protecting him.

“No” is so easy to say. It requires no thought. It’s knee-jerk automatic, yet irritatingly oppressive. Saying “cannot” communicates more, and you’ll use it more thoughtfully, reserving it for situations where baby truly cannot proceed. You’re respecting his mind as you protect his body. In our experience, babies respond to “Stop!” better than to “No!” It gets the child’s attention, and stops behaviour long enough for you to plan other strategies. “Stop” is protective rather than punitive. “No” invites a clash of wills, but even strong-willed children will usually stop momentarily to evaluate a stop order, as if they sense danger ahead. Strong-minded children often ignore “No” if they’ve heard it a thousand times before. Even “Stop” loses its command value if overused.

Give positive substitutes. Present a positive with your negative: “You can’t have the knife, but you can have the ball.” Use a convincing expression to market the “can do” in order to soften the “can’t do”. “You can’t go across the street”, you say with a matter-of-fact tone of voice, and then carefully state, “You can help Mummy sweep the drive.” There is a bit of creative marketing in every mother.

Avoid setups. If you’re taking your child along with you to a toyshop to buy a birthday present for your child’s friend, realize that you are setting yourself up for a confrontation. Your child is likely to want to buy everything in the shop. To avoid the inevitable “No, you can’t have that toy”, before you go into the shop tell him that you are there to buy a birthday present and not a toy for him so that he is programmed not to expect a toy.

respectfully, no! (#ulink_7513d70b-f6bf-5315-8bd8-b8c3b0548343)

Each stage of development has its “yeses” and “nos”; the stakes just get higher as children get older. Learning how to give and receive a “no” is part of maturity and part of discipline.

“No” is a child’s word too. Prepare yourself to be on the receiving end of “No”. Your two-year-old has just run out the door. You ask her to come back. She yells, “No!” Your first reaction is likely to be, “This little pipsqueak is not going to talk back to me that way. I’ll show her who’s boss …” (In our family, being disrespectful is a real “no-no”.) Understanding what’s behind that two-year-old and that two-letter word will help you accept this normal toddler behaviour. Don’t take “No” personally. Saying no is important for a child’s development, for establishing his identity as an individual. This is not defiance or a rejection of your authority. (See the meaning of defiance (#ua05efc30-0cab-46ed-8cd8-cad895dff7b1).) Some parents feel they cannot tolerate any “nos” at all from their children, thinking that to permit this would undermine their authority. They wind up curtailing an important process of self-emergence: Children have to experiment with where their mother leaves off and where they begin. Parents can learn to respect individual wishes and still stay in charge and maintain limits. The boundaries of selfhood will be weak if the self gets no exercise. As your child gets older, the ability to get along with peers in certain situations (stealing, cheating, drugs, and so on) will depend on her ability to say no.

By eighteen months Lauren had surmised that “No” meant we wanted her to stop what she was doing. One day she was happily playing with water at the kitchen sink. As she saw me approaching, and in anticipation of my stopping her play, she blurted out an emphatic “No, Dad!” Lauren had staked out her territory, and she had concluded she had a right to do this. Her “No” meant she was guarding her space. I verbalized what I thought her “No” meant: “You don’t want me to stop you. You want to play with the water. Go ahead, that looks like fun.” If I had wanted her to stop I would have said, “Sorry, not now. How about a squirt bottle with water in it?”

the humour of “no”

One afternoon Martha walked into the TV room and saw Matthew and his friend watching a video that the older children had rented and watched the day before. (Later we found out Matthew had also watched it at that time.) She took one look at the movie and realized she would have to ask him to turn it off. Besides, it was the middle of the day and the boys should have been playing outside. As she stood watching the movie for a few moments, planning her course of action, Martha caught the flavour of the character in the movie and in a spurt of inspiration decided to use humour to say no. As she clicked off the TV, she spun around on her heels and launched into a monologue using the character’s facial expressions, accent, and hand gestures. She must have done a good job of impersonating this actor because both boys sat staring at her wide-eyed as though they couldn’t believe a mum was capable of such improvised insanity. They both jumped up and headed out the door as the voice of this character told them to find something better to do. They were still laughing.

Personalize “No”. We are convinced Lauren is destined for public relations. Her “No, Dad” was the diplomatic way to say no. By adding “Dad” she personalized her message. Rather than giving a dictatorial “No”, we add the child’s name. If you tend to shout, personalized address at least softens the sound and shows respect for the listener. Some parents confuse respecting the child with granting him equal power, but this is not a power issue. The person with the power should respect the person taken charge of. That consideration holds true in parenting; it holds true in other relationships as well.

Be considerate. When you have to stop a behaviour, there is no reason to be rude. For example, your baby discovers the tape dispenser someone left out. This is a wonderful toy. Instead of descending on him and snatching it from his hands, causing him to wail pitifully as you carry him off, you can take a few moments to explore it with him. Then you say “bye-bye” to the tape and hand him a decent length of the fascinating stuff to compensate for not getting the whole roll as you turn his attention to a perhaps less interesting but more age-appropriate activity.

When you say it, mean it. Follow through on your directives. For months we said to Lauren that in order to have bedtime stories she had to submit to tooth brushing. And for months it worked, sometimes easily, sometimes with a certain amount of coaxing and saying, “OK, no stories …” One night she decided to test. Martha She could tell by the set of Lauren’s jaw and firmly shut lips that she finally was “calling our bluff”. So rather than proceed with coaxing and humouring, Martha calmly said, “OK, no stories!” turned off the lights, and carried her to bed. She fussed a bit as Martha lay there with her because she realized Martha had called her bluff and now the lights were out – the irreversible sign that the next step was to go to sleep. After that, tooth brushing went unchallenged and stories were reinstated.

making danger discipline stick (#ulink_db598f6c-b091-5d0a-90c4-3b0c463ac3d7)

Your toddler reaches for the handle of the soup pan on the stove. Instead of shouting “No!” try “Stop!” As soon as baby stops in her tracks, issue a quick follow-up – “Hurt baby.” As you firmly grab her exploring hand (thinking next time you’ll keep the handle turned in and use the back burner), look into her amazed big eyes and continue your serious look: “Hot. Hurt. Don’t touch what’s on the stove. Ouchie!” You’ve made your point without saying no. Follow up with a hug, especially if you found yourself speaking harshly. Reconnect with your child so that one incident doesn’t ruin your child’s whole day. (“Hot” is another helpful stop word, especially once your child has some personal experience with the sensation. Carefully hold her hand where she can feel the heat so she understands the connection.)

negotiate or hold your ground?

Children, especially those with a strong will, try to wear their parents down. They are convinced they must have something or their world can’t go on. They pester and badger until parents say “yes” just to stop the wear and tear on their nerves. This is faulty discipline. If, however, your child’s request seems reasonable after careful listening, be willing to negotiate. Sometimes you may find it wise to change your mind after saying no. While you want your child to believe your “No” means no, you also want your child to feel you are approachable and flexible. It helps to hold your “No” until you’ve heard your child out. If you sense your child is uncharacteristically crushed or angry with your “No”, listen to her side. Maybe she has a point you hadn’t considered or her request is a bigger deal to her than you imagined. Be open to reversing your decision, if warranted. Make sure, though, that she knows it was your fairness and not her “wear down” tactics that changed your mind.

Our daughter Erin seems destined to become a trial lawyer; she pleads her case with logic and emotion. It’s even harder to say no to her when she raises those eyelashes you could paint a house with. Eventually we learned to say no without discouraging Erin’s creative persistence. When Erin wanted a horse, we said no (we had too many dependents already). Erin persisted. By trial and error we had learned that any big wish in a child, no matter how ridiculous, merits hearing the child’s viewpoint. We listened attentively and empathetically while Erin presented her horse wish. We countered, “Erin, we understand why you want a horse. You could have a lot of fun riding and grooming a horse, and some of your friends have horses.” (We wanted Erin to feel we understood her side.) “But we have to say no; and we will not change our minds. Now let’s sit down and calmly work this out.” (Letting the child know her request is non-negotiable diffuses the child’s steam and saves you from getting worn down.) “You are not yet ready to care for a horse.” (We enumerated the responsibilities that went along with the fun of owning a horse.) “When you have finished another six months of lessons and you show us that you can be responsible for a horse, we’ll talk about it then.” Nine months later Tuny was added to our list of dependents. Erin got her horse and she learned two valuable lessons in life: how to delay gratification and that with privileges come responsibilities.

As young parents with our first few children, we believed that smacking was appropriate in life-threatening situations, such as toddlers running out into the street. We reasoned it was necessary to make a lasting impression on mind and body to prevent the child from running into the street again. At the time we concluded that safety comes before psychology. But as we learned more about discipline, we realized there are better ways than smacking to handle even danger discipline. And we realized toddlers don’t remember from one time to the next, even with the “physical impression”. Here’s what worked for us:

mothers who can’t say no

In their zeal to give their children everything they need, some parents risk giving their children everything they want. Mothers who practise attachment parenting risk becoming totally “yes” mothers, with “no” being foreign to their parenting style.

It is important for the mother to feel comfortable saying no to her little one from the very beginning. In fact, it begins when she teaches her newborn to latch on to the breast correctly. It is the mother’s first discipline situation – to show baby how to latch on properly so that he can get fed sufficiently and she can avoid sore nipples. (Some mothers cannot do this. They are afraid to be assertive for fear of causing baby to cry. They would rather let the baby do it wrong and put up with the pain.) She says no early on when she stops him from yanking her hair or biting her breast while feeding. By telling him to stop because it hurts her, she is beginning to teach boundaries. Serious no-saying comes with toddlerhood. Besides the literal word “no”, there are many ways to communicate that something is not safe or appropriate. Whether she says “Stop that” or “Put it down” or “Not safe”, or physically redirects her toddler’s activity, she is consistently and gently redirecting behaviour and teaching boundaries. Whatever the terminology, saying no is not a negative thing. It is a way of giving, and it takes a lot of effort. Mothers who can’t say no have a big problem on their hands down the line. They become the mums that we see getting yanked around like puppets by their preschoolers.

When mothers begin saying no – confidently, firmly, and lovingly – at the appropriate times, it does not threaten the child. It might wrinkle him for a few minutes, because he doesn’t like hearing “Stop” or “Wait” or whatever the word might be that you pick. But he has had the foundation of attachment and he trusts the parent. Limit setting is not the big undoing that some think it might be, and mothers cannot wait until the pre-school years to start. It needs to happen very naturally, very confidently, and intuitively, and very early on.

Danger “No”. When a toddler was in the driveway, Martha watched him like a hawk. If he ventured too close to the street, she put on her best tirade, shouting “Stop!! Street!!” and she grabbed him from the kerb and carried on and on, vocalizing her fear of his being in the street. She was not yelling at him or acting angry. She was expressing genuine fear, giving voice to that inner alarm that goes off in every mother’s heart when her child could be hurt. It was very important that he believe her, so she didn’t hold back. And it worked! He acquired a deep respect for the street and always looked for permission, knowing that Mum would take his hand and they would cross together. A few times Martha had to reinforce this healthy fear by issuing a loud warning sound. She saves this sound for times when an immediate response is needed for safety. This sound is hard to describe in writing, but it is a very sharp, forceful “Ahhh!” Once she had to use it from a distance of about two hundred feet at a park where Stephen had wandered off and was about to step into the street. To her intense relief, he stopped in his tracks and looked back at her, giving her time to get to him. She never uses it casually, and doesn’t use it often. Day-to-day, moment-by-moment situations need to be handled more normally.