The Rubicon. A play in two acts

Polina. That last time, you said I’d earn more. I really need money. What should I do?

Scene 4

The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.

Makar. What was it like before?

Stvolov. What?

Makar. That’s just the point! And now what?

Stvolov. What?

Makar. Gee, that’s exactly what I’m talking about!

Stvolov. Fill it up.

Makar. And as for mobile service, we’ve never had it here. Dense forests!

Polina. That’s a hell of a storm outside.

Makar. The road is washed out now. You won’t be able to get out of here tomorrow, Stvolov.

Stvolov. I’m virtually born under a lucky star. No wonder I didn’t like the ugly face of that driver.

Makar. You know what they say here? Whack thy neighbor, punch him hard, jump on his chest. Then you’ll have the edge over the rest.

Nadya appears from the kitchen and stands behind the bar counter.

Nadya. Where do you mean – here? Look at him. Wasted again.

Makar. By no means…

Nadya. [To Stvolov.] Your room is on the second floor. Polina will escort you. Welcome to the Rubicon Hotel. [Ringing the bell.]

Polina. We serve breakfast at eight. The bar is open round the clock.

Stvolov. No flying from fate. Do you have a phone here?

Nadya. It’s at the entrance.

Stvolov rises from the table and makes his way towards the phone.

Stvolov. It’s not working.

Nadya. They’ve been palming us off with promises to get us a phone line for three years.

Stvolov. The Rubicon.

Makar. Rumor is they had to send to the bottom a whole ton of Viagra to get Titanic up.

Stvolov. Mistress, two more.

Makar. And a bite to eat!

Stvolov. And a bite to eat.

Nadya produces a decanter of vodka. Polina brings it to the table.

Makar. There was this philosopher who stopped by here.

Stvolov. A philosopher?

Makar. Well, something of the sort. He shared an interesting observation with me, in secret. An idea, let’s say.

Stvolov. An idea?

Makar. The law of life!

Stvolov. So?

Makar. What should a man say to his woman in order to maintain harmony in their relationship? [Casting a sidelong look at Nadya.]

Stvolov. I don’t know.

Makar. It’s a simple phrase, just learn it by heart. It goes like this: «I know what it feels like, my darling.»

Stvolov. Hm…

Makar. And what should a woman say to her man? On any occasion.

Stvolov.???

Makar. «Yes, master!»

Polina. [Bursting into laughter.] Oh, I’m sorry.

Makar. Watch and learn, Polina.

Nadya. Dinner will be ready soon. [She goes to the kitchen.]

Makar. I’ve had my fill with them!

Polina. Here, have a bite, Makar Sergeevich. [She serves them some cold snacks, then goes upstairs.]

Makar. What a bit of good!

Polina. Yes, master. [She leaves.]