Чернобыль. Страницы жизни и любви

Моя милая, добрая, гордая.

Chernobyl: Pages of Life and Love

These words from my soul are for Sergei's mother, Galina Akimovna:

«To my dearest mother, Lida. Thank you for a fantastic son, husband, father, and person. I bow down to you».

With love and respect,

Natasha

When the waters of the Flood

Returned again to the borders of the coasts

From the foam of the vanishing stream

Love got out onto the land

And hid, unmoving, until a certain time

And the time was forty days and forty nights…

Vladimir Vysotsky

Our lives are a multitude of acquaintances, meetings and partings. Once, long ago, being a very young girl, I married a man with whom I was in love. We had a daughter and everything seemed to be going smoothly, but eventually we came to understand that a life together was not really possible…

Either the love had gone, or it was never there to begin with, or maybe it was just that pride did not allow us to forgive each other. I won’t describe our break?up. Parting was terrible and tortuous for me. Life had given me a hard slap in the face, and I re?evaluated things and understood a good deal. Sometimes, against my will, a thought would bore into my head, turning it cold: would I really never again in my life experience the unrepeatable, unearthly feeling of real Love? Our daughter remained with me and I began a new life, but it was nevertheless very difficult: the pang of loneliness became sharper with each passing day. I began to examine my situation and note down the thoughts, which came into my head.

«Loneliness – it is not the worst condition; it teaches you a lot of things and forces you to think. Life reveals itself completely differently – you literally watch it from the wings and then choose the way out. Only in loneliness do you know the value of a real body and closeness, softness and love. It teaches you and perfects you. You don’t need to be afraid of loneliness. It is not an enemy, but a friend…»

Questions arose of their own accord: What do I want. Who is He? I am looking for Him and I know that He exists somewhere. I again cite my old notes.

«I am sure of this: as soon as I meet the one I need on my life’s journey, everything will fall into place. Meanwhile, I am obliged to live and get on with business. It isn’t important whether this man is rich or poor, I will accept his love only if he needs my love, my sincerity and honesty and is able to love and care for me himself. Where are you, my only friend? I am so tired of lies and pretence. Come quickly and protect me. Take me away from all this! How I want to live with love in my soul, rest my head on your shoulder, to smell you…one day to meet you and to know that you will always be with me. To wake up from your kiss and to kiss you while you sleep, to feel you breathing… to discuss everything with you, to fool around, laugh and cry, to wait for you and every time rejoice at your arrival. I have been so bored and tired without you.

Come home, my sweet. I know that you are also tired and are waiting to meet me. Seek and we must come together. A kiss will unify us. Our bed will carry us away to a world of love and sweetness. We will give to each other a priceless gift – our love. We will discover peace and happiness. And we will preserve it and care for it. I await you, my only beloved man…»

My meeting with him was very simple, ordinary, and at the same time, surprising. At the end of October 1996, I came to the swimming pool, as I had done for the last four years. The swimming pool is a pressure release for me, just about the only place where I can relax and let go, where I never brood over things and feel unhappy.

My mood was like the weather – gloomy. Alone and with an ache in my soul I went to park the car. Coming up to the parking lot, I saw a young man in a gray raincoat, who energetically waved his hands, showing me the best place to park the car. What is more, he did it clearly and deliberately, so that one paid attention to him. I remembered that I had seen him earlier in the swimming pool – he always came with a friend – but I never noticed when he appeared. I knew most of the people’s faces there, but I only knew a few by name. That day, I subconsciously felt that he paid attention to me. For some reason I lingered by the car, and it so happened that we arrived at the entrance of the pool almost simultaneously. Behind me I heard a man’s voice.

“Going for a swim?”

Turning my head and glancing up at him, I unexpectedly experienced several immediate feelings: irritation, agitation, interest. I answered him playfully, but at the same time haughtily

“And why shouldn’t I?”

In the hall I indignantly told an acquaintance of mine who was an assistant there, of the young man’s behavior. What nerve! Her unflattering comment about him made my bad mood still worse, for some reason. I gossiped for a long time with the girls in the cafe and then went to the solarium. When, finally we got to the sports hall and the pool, the young man had already gone.

So often chance meetings occur in our lives, which have no meaning, and are quickly forgotten about, which have no influence on its measured course. However, after a few days, I saw the young man in the sports hall again. He politely greeted me, and nothing more. The same thing happened for several sessions. But some time later he came up to me as if I knew him already, and, sincerely hurt, began to tell me how his car had broken down. I remember that it was his sincerity that struck me then. I began to look at him attentively. I liked him. Well groomed, lightly unshaven. His eyes… yes, he had beautiful blue eyes with large lashes. He was well built, although…although his legs were regrettably rather short. In general, he made an impression on me. Women liked him, and felt, that he also was not immune to their charms.

For some time we didn’t see each other: it was difficult for me, I again felt mentally crushed and stayed at home. My friend came round and dragged me – yes, literally dragged me! – to the swimming pool. We went in his car – it seemed to be the first time I hadn’t been in my own car.

I went into the pool, without having the slightest desire to exercise. I automatically wanted to go and get changed when I suddenly heard steps behind me:

“Hello!”

Turning my head, I saw the same young man. He was sincerely glad at our meeting and was smiling and I immediately felt somehow lighter in spirit. We chatted for a long time. It turned out that his name was Sergei. I suggested we carry on our conversation in the cafе after our exercises. He became confused and said that he probably would not be able to. My reaction was surprisingly calm, “Well, some other time, then!”

That day I got pleasure out of my training – a rare occurrence in those days. When I went to the cafе afterwards, I saw him. He had been waiting, and offered to take me home. He and his friend agreed to wait whilst I had a bite to eat. We went in the beautiful car belonging to his friend. Sergei’s car was still being repaired. On the journey, I opened my heart, for some reason I immediately started telling them all about my unhappy personal life, about my daughter and about my studies. Sergei’s friend drove us up to my house, he was hasty about it and left in a hurry. Sergei got out with me. The weather was dank and slushy – to stand in the archway was idiotic. I turned to my new acquaintance and said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you can come in for tea, if you like.”

He accepted. I understood: he is not coming for the tea, but to put another notch on his bedpost – how his pals would applaud him at work the next day.

We got inside and chatted for a long time. I really liked him: he talked sincerely and honestly – there was no dishonest streak in him. I admired him, but for some reason was absolutely certain that nothing would happen between us. Naturally, he was late for the metro. I made a bed for him and I wanted to leave the room. But suddenly his arm wound around my body, he held me tightly against him. I wanted to push him away, tear myself out of his grasp, but I only succeeded in wriggling a little. He held me tightly, his strong arms not letting me go. He caressed my cheeks and neck with his lips… I stayed with him…

Finally it had come – the feeling that he was the one, the one I had been waiting for. As I embraced him, I had no doubt of this. It was his smell, his body. A surprising feeling of wholeness arose in me, a feeling of harmony. He was persistent and gentle. I felt incredibly good, but the thought that this happiness might only be for one night did not leave me. I went to my room, but he again appeared beside me and there was a feeling as if we had been together one hundred years. I revelled in the warmth he gave me…

He woke me up early in the morning. He had to go to work, but again, I could not shake the feeling that the fairy tale was over, that the beautiful dream had come to an abrupt end and that there would not be anything else. We spent a long time saying goodbye and he told me that he did not want to leave and I believed him, I wanted to believe him. It was Thursday, October 31

Friday went by. He didn’t phone me. Various thoughts played about my head. Everything was fine, I surely knew that it would be like that, and I calmed myself with the thought that I was a free woman and could do anything I wanted.

His phone call on Saturday took me by surprise. I so wanted to see Sergei, but I acted with reserve. He said the he felt unwell, but could come to see me. I answered that I would be not far from him and I could pop in and see him myself. I had already decided for myself. However it was, I was rather worried when I left for some reason.

We spent the time very happily. Next to him I felt like a real woman – desirable, weak, protected. And no matter how many women he had had, at that instant, he only belonged to me. He did everything for me. He brought me a snack in bed, told me many things and laughed a lot.

We looked at his photo albums. I saw a photograph of a girl who I knew. He was a little embarrassed, and said that he should have put the photograph away. But I calmly met this with “It is your life, and you don’t need to hide any of it. The important thing is that now we are together and we are perfectly happy. You have your life, and I have mine.” He understood me and with this our relationship became even more intense.

Of course, it wasn’t very pleasant to see him next to another girl, but I didn’t have the right to reproach him. I was with him and that was the main thing. In the evening we parted, he went to some girl’s birthday party and I went back home. I really didn’t want to part with him, but I didn’t feel I had the right to interfere with his plans. I felt a little hurt and put out, and I again consoled myself with the thought that I had known all along that it would only be for one night…

He called that night and asked permission to come over. He had drunk a lot. He fell asleep. But even like that I needed him. It felt natural there right beside him.

In the morning, we went to ‘the field’ – an amazing place, where people go with pit?bull terriers, training them for combat. This spectacle struck me no less than the man who took me there. I should have left, but we stood there like children, holding each others’ hands and not finding the words. That is how we spent our first Sunday.

We began to meet, cutting off the past and entering the present, which belonged only to us. I was getting to know him more and more, rejoicing in the moment spent with him alone. But I was also a mother, and therefore life placed an unavoidably difficult choice before me: should I spend the weekend with a man who made me feel incredibly good, or with a daughter who I really love and who needed me more than anyone in the world.

But he was the best person in the world, my darling, my only man, and everything was sorted out. I told him that I couldn’t meet him this weekend, that I was spending it with my child. He quickly proposed another solution: “I like you, which means I like your daughter too. I want to get to know her.” That evening we were like a real loving family. I brought my daughter from my parents’ place. Sergei got acquainted with her and was really happy. He never stopped joking and, being a little tipsy, became so amusing.

We were a family, and friends came to visit us. Sergei began to talk about what if I was carrying his child. Why was that? Truthfully, in those first days of our relationship, he told me, “You know, you are the woman with whom I would like to have a child.” From the very first meeting he treated me with warmth and softness and on this evening he boasted to our friends that I was expecting his child. But I was surprised that he wasn’t joking, he really wanted a little one. But the main thing was that he loved my daughter and treated her with care and attention. This man had become the nearest and dearest thing to me.

But I knew that it could not be, it wasn’t like that. When he slept, I often sat around him, stroking him, basking in his smell and the feeling of being beside him. Sometimes it was so hurtful that we had actually met and would not be together forever! He was real lady’s man, a bachelor, a man living in the present day, why would he need a woman with a child with all the problems that come with that?

Why was I so afraid to believe in my own happiness, and why was I so certain that all this was just temporary, I cannot say.

I had been one or two weeks late, but now it became longer. Sergei asked me, “Is everything alright?” I answered, “I went to the doctor, he said that I need to take the IUD out if I’m to give birth. If I’m not to give birth, then I have to take it out in any case and use other means of contraception, but because of these delays complications might arise during the pregnancy.”

He took my hand, kissed it and said: “Take it out and to the heck with it.” I tried to object. “I will become pregnant at once.” “Yes, yes, and you will bear me a son. We will have a son together.”

Sergei slyly started to move things over to my place, although he did it very tactically and carefully. We visited the doctor frequently and began to wait for the moment when our closeness would bring us joy, the fruit of our love. Everything happened very quickly: In January I became pregnant. Sergei was so happy!