Cousin Pons

“Very well,” continued the lady, “I must ask you to give a candid reply to this question: Are we, either of us, M. de Marville or I, likely to be compromised, directly or indirectly, by your action in this matter?”

“I would not have come to you, madame, if I thought that some day I should have to reproach myself for bringing so much as a splash of mud upon you, for in your position a speck the size of a pin’s head is seen by all the world. You forget, madame, that I must satisfy you if I am to be a justice of the peace in Paris. I have received one lesson at the outset of my life; it was so sharp that I do not care to lay myself open to a second thrashing. To sum it up in a last word, madame, I will not take a step in which you are indirectly involved without previously consulting you – ”

“Very good. Here is the letter. And now I shall expect to be informed of the exact value of the estate.”

“There is the whole matter,” said Fraisier shrewdly, making his bow to the Presidente with as much graciousness as his countenance could exhibit.

“What a providence!” thought Mme. Camusot de Marville. “So I am to be rich! Camusot will be sure of his election if we let loose this Fraisier upon the Bolbec constituency. What a tool!”

“What a providence!” Fraisier said to himself as he descended the staircase; “and what a sharp woman Mme. Camusot is! I should want a woman in these circumstances. Now to work!”

And he departed for Mantes to gain the good graces of a man he scarcely knew; but he counted upon Mme. Vatinelle, to whom, unfortunately, he owed all his troubles – and some troubles are of a kind that resemble a protested bill while the defaulter is yet solvent, in that they bear interest.

Three days afterwards, while Schmucke slept (for in accordance with the compact he now sat up at night with the patient), La Cibot had a “tiff,” as she was pleased to call it, with Pons. It will not be out of place to call attention to one particularly distressing symptom of liver complaint. The sufferer is always more or less inclined to impatience and fits of anger; an outburst of this kind seems to give relief at the time, much as a patient while the fever fit is upon him feels that he has boundless strength; but collapse sets in so soon as the excitement passes off, and the full extent of mischief sustained by the system is discernible. This is especially the case when the disease has been induced by some great shock; and the prostration is so much the more dangerous because the patient is kept upon a restricted diet. It is a kind of fever affecting neither the blood nor the brain, but the humoristic mechanism, fretting the whole system, producing melancholy, in which the patient hates himself; in such a crisis anything may cause dangerous irritation.

In spite of all that the doctor could say, La Cibot had no belief in this wear and tear of the nervous system by the humoristic. She was a woman of the people, without experience or education; Dr. Poulain’s explanations for her were simply “doctor’s notions.” Like most of her class, she thought that sick people must be fed, and nothing short of Dr. Poulain’s direct order prevented her from administering ham, a nice omelette, or vanilla chocolate upon the sly.

The infatuation of the working classes on this point is very strong. The reason of their reluctance to enter a hospital is the idea that they will be starved there. The mortality caused by the food smuggled in by the wives of patients on visiting-days was at one time so great that the doctors were obliged to institute a very strict search for contraband provisions.

If La Cibot was to realize her profits at once, a momentary quarrel must be worked up in some way. She began by telling Pons about her visit to the theatre, not omitting her passage at arms with Mlle. Heloise the dancer.

“But why did you go?” the invalid asked for the third time. La Cibot once launched on a stream of words, he was powerless to stop her.

“So, then, when I had given her a piece of my mind, Mademoiselle Heloise saw who I was and knuckled under, and we were the best of friends. – And now do you ask me why I went?” she added, repeating Pons’ question.

There are certain babblers, babblers of genius are they, who sweep up interruptions, objections, and observations in this way as they go along, by way of provision to swell the matter of their conversation, as if that source were ever in any danger of running dry.

“Why I went?” repeated she. “I went to get your M. Gaudissart out of a fix. He wants some music for a ballet, and you are hardly fit to scribble on sheets of paper and do your work, dearie. – So I understood, things being so, that a M. Garangeot was to be asked to set the Mohicans to music – ”

“Garangeot!” roared Pons in fury. “Garangeot! a man with no talent; I would not have him for first violin! He is very clever, he is very good at musical criticism, but as to composing – I doubt it! And what the devil put the notion of going to the theatre into your head?”

“How confoundedly contrairy the man is! Look here, dearie, we mustn’t boil over like milk on the fire! How are you to write music in the state that you are in? Why, you can’t have looked at yourself in the glass! Will you have the glass and see? You are nothing but skin and bone – you are as weak as a sparrow, and do you think that you are fit to make your notes! why, you would not so much as make out mine… And that reminds me that I ought to go up to the third floor lodger’s that owes us seventeen francs, for when the chemist has been paid we shall not have twenty left. – So I had to tell M. Gaudissart (I like that name), a good sort he seems to be, – a regular Roger Bontemps that would just suit me. —He will never have liver complaint! – Well, so I had to tell him how you were. – Lord! you are not well, and he has put some one else in your place for a bit – ”

“Some one else in my place!” cried Pons in a terrible voice, as he sat right up in bed. Sick people, generally speaking, and those most particularly who lie within the sweep of the scythe of Death, cling to their places with the same passionate energy that the beginner displays to gain a start in life. To hear that someone had taken his place was like a foretaste of death to the dying man.

“Why, the doctor told me that I was going on as well as possible,” continued he; “he said that I should soon be about again as usual. You have killed me, ruined me, murdered me!”

“Tut, tut, tut!” cried La Cibot, “there you go! I am killing you, am I? Mercy on us! these are the pretty things that you are always telling M. Schmucke when my back is turned. I hear all that you say, that I do! You are a monster of ingratitude.”

“But you do not know that if I am only away for another fortnight, they will tell me that I have had my day, that I am old-fashioned, out of date, Empire, rococo, when I go back. Garangeot will have made friends all over the theatre, high and low. He will lower the pitch to suit some actress that cannot sing, he will lick M. Gaudissart’s boots!” cried the sick man, who clung to life. “He has friends that will praise him in all the newspapers; and when things are like that in such a shop, Mme. Cibot, they can find holes in anybody’s coat. … What fiend drove you to do it?”

“Why! plague take it, M. Schmucke talked it over with me for a week. What would you have? You see nothing but yourself! You are so selfish that other people may die if you can only get better. – Why poor M. Schmucke has been tired out this month past! he is tied by the leg, he can go nowhere, he cannot give lessons nor take his place at the theatre. Do you really see nothing? He sits up with you at night, and I take the nursing in the day. If I were to sit up at night with you, as I tried to do at first when I thought you were so poor, I should have to sleep all day. And who would see to the house and look out for squalls! Illness is illness, it cannot be helped, and here are you – ”

“This was not Schmucke’s idea, it is quite impossible – ”

“That means that it was I who took it into my head to do it, does it? Do you think that we are made of iron? Why, if M. Schmucke had given seven or eight lessons every day and conducted the orchestra every evening at the theatre from six o’clock till half-past eleven at night, he would have died in ten days’ time. Poor man, he would give his life for you, and do you want to be the death of him? By the authors of my days, I have never seen a sick man to match you! Where are your senses? have you put them in pawn? We are all slaving our lives out for you; we do all for the best, and you are not satisfied! Do you want to drive us raging mad? I myself, to begin with, am tired out as it is – ”

La Cibot rattled on at her ease; Pons was too angry to say a word. He writhed on his bed, painfully uttering inarticulate sounds; the blow was killing him. And at this point, as usual, the scolding turned suddenly to tenderness. The nurse dashed at her patient, grasped him by the head, made him lie down by main force, and dragged the blankets over him.

“How any one can get into such a state!” exclaimed she. “After all, it is your illness, dearie. That is what good M. Poulain says. See now, keep quiet and be good, my dear little sonny. Everybody that comes near you worships you, and the doctor himself comes to see you twice a day. What would he say if he found you in such a way? You put me out of all patience; you ought not to behave like this. If you have Ma’am Cibot to nurse you, you should treat her better. You shout and you talk! – you ought not to do it, you know that. Talking irritates you. And why do you fly into a passion? The wrong is all on your side; you are always bothering me. Look here, let us have it out! If M. Schmucke and I, who love you like our life, thought that we were doing right – well, my cherub, it was right, you may be sure.”

“Schmucke never could have told you to go to the theatre without speaking to me about it – ”

“And must I wake him, poor dear, when he is sleeping like one of the blest, and call him in as a witness?”

“No, no!” cried Pons. “If my kind and loving Schmucke made the resolution, perhaps I am worse than I thought.” His eyes wandered round the room, dwelling on the beautiful things in it with a melancholy look painful to see.

“So I must say good-bye to my dear pictures, to all the things that have come to be like so many friends to me… and to my divine friend Schmucke?.. Oh! can it be true?”

La Cibot, acting her heartless comedy, held her handkerchief to her eyes; and at that mute response the sufferer fell to dark musing – so sorely stricken was he by the double stab dealt to health and his interests by the loss of his post and the near prospect of death, that he had no strength left for anger. He lay, ghastly and wan, like a consumptive patient after a wrestling bout with the Destroyer.

“In M. Schmucke’s interests, you see, you would do well to send for M. Trognon; he is the notary of the quarter and a very good man,” said La Cibot, seeing that her victim was completely exhausted.

“You are always talking about this Trognon – ”

“Oh! he or another, it is all one to me, for anything you will leave me.”

She tossed her head to signify that she despised riches. There was silence in the room.

A moment later Schmucke came in. He had slept for six hours, hunger awakened him, and now he stood at Pons’ bedside watching his friend without saying a word, for Mme. Cibot had laid a finger on her lips.

“Hush!” she whispered. Then she rose and went up to add under her breath, “He is going off to sleep at last, thank Heaven! He is as cross as a red donkey! – What can you expect, he is struggling with his illness – ”

“No, on the contrary, I am very patient,” said the victim in a weary voice that told of a dreadful exhaustion; “but, oh! Schmucke, my dear friend, she has been to the theatre to turn me out of my place.”

There was a pause. Pons was too weak to say more. La Cibot took the opportunity and tapped her head significantly. “Do not contradict him,” she said to Schmucke; “it would kill him.”

Pons gazed into Schmucke’s honest face. “And she says that you sent her – ” he continued.

“Yes,” Schmucke affirmed heroically. “It had to pe. Hush! – let us safe your life. It is absurd to vork and train your sdrength gif you haf a dreasure. Get better; ve vill sell some prick-a-prack und end our tays kvietly in a corner somveres, mit kind Montame Zipod.”

“She has perverted you,” moaned Pons.

Mme. Cibot had taken up her station behind the bed to make signals unobserved. Pons thought that she had left the room. “She is murdering me,” he added.

“What is that? I am murdering you, am I?” cried La Cibot, suddenly appearing, hand on hips and eyes aflame. “I am as faithful as a dog, and this is all I get! God Almighty! – ”

She burst into tears and dropped down into the great chair, a tragical movement which wrought a most disastrous revulsion in Pons.

“Very good,” she said, rising to her feet. The woman’s malignant eyes looked poison and bullets at the two friends. “Very good. Nothing that I can do is right here, and I am tired of slaving my life out. You shall take a nurse.”

Pons and Schmucke exchanged glances in dismay.

“Oh! you may look at each other like actors. I mean it. I shall ask Dr. Poulain to find a nurse for you. And now we will settle accounts. You shall pay me back the money that I have spent on you, and that I would never have asked you for, I that have gone to M. Pillerault to borrow another five hundred francs of him – ”

“It ees his illness!” cried Schmucke – he sprang to Mme. Cibot and put an arm round her waist – “haf batience.”

“As for you, you are an angel, I could kiss the ground you tread upon,” said she. “But M. Pons never liked me, he always hated me. Besides, he thinks perhaps that I want to be mentioned in his will – ”