Yes, Please. Thanks!: Teaching Children of All Ages Manners, Respect and Social Skills for Life

The School Run

So many children are chauffeured everywhere these days that the opportunity to walk has been severely curtailed. Sadly, as a result of today’s society, parents are also concerned about the risk their children may be exposed to by walking in public. One solution is to drive part of the way to school and to walk the remainder with your child.

Teenagers’ Eating Habits

If children grow up aware that their mothers have been perpetually trying new diets, weighing themselves and commenting on their weight, they may well grow up with the same anxieties which can lead to eating disorders.

Growing teenagers are permanently hungry and are happy to continually graze on snacks throughout the day (the expression ‘eating me out of house and home’ springs to mind), so rather than fill the cupboards with sugar-laden, high-fat snacks, make sure that there are plenty of healthy snacks in the house, like fresh fruit, dried fruit, nuts, seeds, plain biscuits, brown wholegrain bread and fillings for sandwiches and toasties. If you buy crisps, choose the low-fat variety.

Home-cooking and eating as a family around the table is the easiest way to make sure the family has a good nutritional evening meal, and a way of seeing exactly what your teenager is eating.

Comfort Foods

We’ve all been there, feeling low and depressed. The first thing we do is hit the biscuit tin then feel more depressed that we ate most of the contents. As we would much prefer our children to never turn to food for comfort, try to avoid giving them treat foods as a consolation when they are growing up. Try and start a new regime of going for a walk or some other type of exercise if you are feeling low. The fresh air and exercise will immediately start to make you feel better.

Respecting Other Children’s Dietary Needs

Always respect the dietary needs of children visiting your home. Their parents will tell you what they must avoid and, to make life easier on everyone, simply do not have that product available to your own children on that particular day. I only mention this because I know of a situation where a mother gave a biscuit as a treat to a young playmate of her children. Unfortunately, the child was hypersensitive to sugar but was too young to realize any different, and was as high as a kite for about four days.

What Children Really Need (#ulink_210c7e27-667e-5778-bc37-4541271708dd)

Forget the DVDs, TVs, Playstations, designer trainers and designer clothes (except, obviously, for us). What children really need (as opposed to what they think they need) is a combination of love, discipline, attention, communication, routine, continuity, consistency, example and respect, and wouldn’t it be simple if we could just go and buy them. But nobody said bringing up children was going to be simple. As every child is different, only you will work out how much of all these vital components your particular child needs to find the right combination.

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Love (#ulink_5cc68df8-7600-5664-84d0-24395ceb8605)

How to Show Love

Our children need to feel and know that they are loved, with that unconditional love that only we, their parents, can give them which is not tied to the way they behave or perform and cannot be withdrawn as a means of manipulation. Love needs to be shown in different ways, by physical affection, by showing respect and acceptance, and by the way we care for and nurture our children.

From day one, babies physically and mentally need bodily contact to bond with their parents. And it’s not just as babies that your children need to be cuddled, but all through their developing years to adulthood. Even adults enjoy a hug with their parents. Children need the reassurance that physical contact in the form of kisses and cuddles, a stroke of the cheek, or an arm around a shoulder can provide. We should reinforce how we feel by actually telling them that they are loved.

Far too many parents neglect, unintentionally, to demonstrate enough physical contact to their children as they grow up. And whilst a 14-year-old may dislike showing any physical emotion towards their parents in front of their friends, they will be just as happy to have a hug with their mother or father when they get home.

Parents who had a loving childhood may find it easier to show love than parents who were deprived of physical love as children, so some parents have to make more effort to be physical, but it is absolutely essential that children never have to question their parents’ love for them.

Young children enjoy seeing their parents showing affection to each other; it’s just as they get older that they get horribly embarrassed.

Love must also be shown by guiding and educating your children so that they can function happily in their environment. It must never be confused with putting your hand in your pocket.

There are two ways of showing love – one is the cuddly love of hugs and kisses and the other is the equally important one of teaching your child how to behave.

Little Things Mean a Lot

Apart from the usual ways in which we can show our love for our children, they also appreciate little kind, thoughtful gestures, just as we like our partners to do for us. For instance, if they have a test at school, let them know you are thinking of them by sending a good-luck text with an encouraging message, ‘Thinking of you. Go show ’em. You can do it. Luv u, Mum.’ If you know that they’re a bit low because they didn’t make the football team or get the part in the school play they wanted, surprise them with their favourite treat to help cheer them up. Or once they’ve left for school you discover they have left an important piece of school-work at home, make the effort to take it to the school. Don’t just think, ‘Oh they’re always forgetting things, this’ll teach them,’ or turn up at the school and give your child a lecture on getting organized before you hand the work over. Be loving, be kind. They will learn to be more organized. When you see the look of relief on their faces, simply say with a smile, ‘It’s a good job I love you so much.’

Sometimes you could just give your children a big hug and tell them you just couldn’t resist doing it because they are so gorgeous. Wouldn’t we all love it if our partners (still/ever) did that? But perhaps if we did it to them, they might!

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Discipline (#ulink_b9fbd4c3-fe73-58eb-83f8-429d0a5678f9)

The very word discipline disappeared almost completely from parenting for many years because we all grew to associate discipline with harsh punishment. What it really means, though, is teaching our children how to behave so they can eventually control their own behaviour. In fact the word discipline is derived from the Latin word disciplina, meaning instruction, and not, as you may have thought, “A darn good spanking.”

Don’t worry that they will love you any less because you have to be occasionally firm with them; they will in fact love you all the more when they realize they have grown into socially acceptable, functional adults.

How We Start to Impose Discipline on Our Children

Impose boundaries

Change your voice and body language

Remember, orders are not negotiable

Create continuity and consistency

Make rules clear and simple

Tell children what you expect of them

Encourage and reward good behaviour

Be firm about poor behaviour

Teach why ‘No’ must always mean ‘No’

Remain calm and in control

Impose Boundaries

Boundaries are the sets of rules we set for our children’s behaviour; a sort of framework of moral conduct within which they must learn to live. As long as children know exactly where these limits are they will be happy and content to operate within them. Naturally, most children will try and stretch them occasionally to see exactly what they can get away with, but this is absolutely normal and they are quite expecting and relieved to be told when they have crossed the line. Let’s face it, we all try and push our luck sometimes.

Boundaries teach children what is acceptable behaviour and in doing so they develop the self-control and self-discipline necessary to remain within them. Even children from as young as one will begin to respond to simple boundaries, as in the word ‘No’, when it is said in a firm voice distinguishable from your normal voice.

Inevitably, as children grow up, new boundaries will be introduced, but as long as they know what they are, they will flourish and develop within them and be reassured by them.

However, children who are not set boundaries often feel unloved and uncared for and are constantly floundering, looking for some sort of guidelines. This often manifests in the form of unacceptable behaviour, as if in a desperate plea for some sort of help and structure. Without boundaries children fail to develop self-control, and without this they will find it difficult to function properly within a normal society and can end up unhappy, lonely and dysfunctional adults.

Change your voice and body language

From as young as a year old, your child can begin to learn the meaning of the word ‘No’. Adopt a low, firm tone and deliver a short sharp ‘No’, so that they can recognize disapproval immediately and do not smile. There’s no point saying ‘No’ in exactly the same sweet tone that you would say ‘Hello darling’ with a beaming smile on your face. Equally, don’t say ‘No’ in a firm voice and then immediately give your child hugs and cuddles as it is mixing messages. Even young children will come to recognize when parents are in ‘no mood for messing with’ by their voice and body language.

If, for instance, your daughter is at the stage of moving around holding on to the furniture and she grabs an ornament you would rather she did not touch, you simply say, ‘No’ in a firm voice, remove the ornament from her and move her to a different part of the room. Give your daughter a toy or something else to distract her that she can look at and examine. Many children will immediately return to the ornament and look for your reaction. Make sure it is the same. As soon as your child starts showing an interest in something they can play with, praise them and make a fuss of them. At this age they very soon learn when Mummy approves or disapproves. Suddenly your daughter has learnt her first boundary. She knows that she cannot touch the ornament.

Remember, orders are not negotiable

We have all witnessed a poor mother who asks her child to do something and is either ignored or rebuffed or argued with. Out of frustration the parent either shouts at the child to no avail or does the task herself.