Yes, Please. Thanks!: Teaching Children of All Ages Manners, Respect and Social Skills for Life

‘Please go and fetch the blue sweater off my bed,’ is a command. It is not negotiable; ‘Would you like to go and fetch my sweater off my bed?’ is negotiable. If you ask your child to do something for you, insist that they do it. It is so important that children learn to respond to instructions. Giving and taking orders are all part of life’s rules and children must not be allowed to imagine they are somehow immune to it. School, the workplace, even leisure activities will require orders to be acted upon, sometimes immediately.

To make it less stressful all round (although this will not always be possible), try not to ask for something you want an immediate response to if your child is engrossed in an activity, a book, in the middle of a favourite TV programme time or doing homework. If they are busy concentrating on something, they are more likely to show some resistance. In these circumstances ask them to carry out your request after they have finished the chapter, TV programme or their homework and make sure they have heard and understood.

Warning children in advance that they will have to do something will help prepare them mentally to do it, as in, ‘Dinner will be ready in five minutes,’ then after that time, ‘Come and sit down, please.’

Children disobeying orders can be life-threatening. For example, if a young boy has never been taught to obey his mother, one day he gets separated from her in a car park, then suddenly sees her. If she shouts, ‘Stay there, don’t move, there’s a car coming,’ and the child doesn’t, he is putting himself and possibly others at risk.

A good way to get children to obey first-time requests is to ask them to do something quickly so that they can have a reward or get on with doing something far more fun. For instance, if a mother is returning home with her children, she could say, ‘Quickly, go and hang your coats up and then you can have a biscuit/start painting.’ Then when they return, ‘You’ve put your coats away already? That’s fantastic, my goodness you’re fast. Well done, here’s your biscuit/right if you get the paints out, I’ll get the paper.’ Suddenly children are in the mind-set to help. They soon learn that doing as asked brings praise and rewards.

Of course, there are going to be far more times when you will simply ask them to do something without dangling the carrot and they must react as quickly.

When you are teaching your young children to obey simple commands, explain what you would like them to do, keep it simple, ask if they understand, then wait and watch to see them do it. If they ignore you, repeat it and mention that you would like it done now. If they don’t move immediately take their hand and help them up with a, ‘Come along, mummy has asked you to pick up your socks and to give them to me. Now pick them up like a good boy.’ Once the command has been carried out, thank them. If they carried out the task with no fuss, thank and congratulate them at their speed and efficiency. If they refuse to pick the socks up, put your hand over theirs and help them to pick up the socks then give them to yourself. Thank them in a matter-of-fact voice.

Persistence is the name of the game, so do not leave the room until they have done what they were asked to do, keep a firm voice and do not lose your temper. Never let your children get away with not doing something they have been asked to do. It can be a small battle of wills, but you are the parent, you must be in control. When children realize that you are not going to give in, they will. You may only have to sit out two or three incidents like this until your children act upon your requests. That Mum or Dad mean business is a valuable lesson for children to learn. There will be times when they dawdle and don’t react immediately, but don’t let them get into a habit of just not doing it.

I was recently at a taxi rank at a train station and saw a mother and her son of about 6. She asked him to put his empty plastic water bottle in the bin and pointed out where it was (about 10 yards away). The first and second time she asked he ignored her, the third time she asked he put it on a window ledge, the fourth time he took it off the window ledge and played with it. This scenario continued for a total of about 10 minutes when, finally, the mother picked up the bottle, which had now been abandoned on the floor, took her son by his arm and walked him to the bin and dumped it for him.

When the son disobeyed after the first request the mother should have taken him to the bin then and made him throw the bottle away, even if she had to put it in his hand at the final moment before it was dumped. She should have praised him for dumping it then immediately talked about something else. By allowing her son to disobey her request several times she inadvertently taught him that he has the option whether to do as he has been asked or not and if he decides not to his mother will do it anyway.

Create continuity and consistency

Rules that you create must be upheld by you and your partner. If, for instance, children have been told that something is off limits, it must always be off limits, not just occasionally. Your partner must also know what is off limits and what action to take if they disobey.

Children learn by consistency, so your children must always be treated in the same way if they do something that displeases.

It’s very easy when you are tired or depressed not to stick to the rules and your children will soon learn that you sometimes give in if they ignore them. Hard as it is sometimes when you are tired, always stand your ground over rules. In the long run it will make life so much easier.

Make rules clear and simple

Always be specific about what your children should or should not do. Telling children to ‘Behave nicely’ or ‘Eat properly’ can mean very little, but if you say, ‘Take your feet off the sofa’ or ‘Use your spoon’, you are making yourself very clear.

Tell children what you expect of them

Once your children have learned to obey simple commands, talk to them before you go out, whether it is to a restaurant, the cinema or to the shops, and let them know exactly how you would like them to behave. Children are often better behaved if they are prepared and they know exactly what is expected of them.

Encourage and reward good behaviour

The most positive ‘new’ parenting skill to have emerged over the past twenty years is the encouragement and reward of good behaviour and paying less attention to poor. Children, as I have already said, love attention and the praise and positive attention they receive from behaving well will spur them on to behave in that way again. Promising a reward for good behaviour is likely to produce more satisfactory results than threatening to punish bad behaviour. We now know that children who receive little attention from their parents will behave badly just to receive attention, even if that attention is a reprimand. Paying little or no attention to attention-seeking behaviour is likely to stop it.

Be firm about poor behaviour

However, I am not of the school that believes in completely ignoring poor behaviour. Children must immediately be told that whatever they were doing is unacceptable, otherwise how will they ever know? If it persists, there is no discussion but an immediate penalty should be enforced. Parents who allow their children to always give a reason for their bad behaviour are only encouraging them to make excuses and not accept responsibility for their actions, and this is just storing up problems for the future. Children must learn to accept the consequences of their actions, otherwise they will never accept blame, even when they clearly are to blame. The constant drone from teenagers of, ‘It’s not my fault,’ will in a way be correct, as they have never been taught to be responsible for their actions.

Teach why the word ‘No’ must always mean ‘No’

How many times have we watched a badly behaved child with its parents and thought to ourselves, ‘Doesn’t that child understand the meaning of the word “No”?’ The answer is, clearly, no.

But it’s not the child’s fault, as the parents have unintentionally trained him that way.

It is surprising how many children are taught that ‘No’ means ‘Maybe’ and, to some, ‘No’ eventually means ‘Yes’.

Parents eventually giving in to their children’s continual requests for something may seem harmless, but it will be a complete pain in the backside when, ten years down the line, it becomes a perpetual droning every time they want something.

And this is how it happens. For example, a toddler wants another biscuit and the parent says, ‘No.’ The toddler will then go on and on that she wants another biscuit. The parent still says, ‘No.’ Bear in mind toddlers have little conception of time. So the child continues to whine about the biscuit. The parent often becomes fed up with the whining and to keep the peace gives in and gives the child another biscuit with some lame response, such as, ‘Now this really is your last one.’

By this seemingly harmless action, the child has been taught that although ‘No’ was said several times, if she whines long enough she will eventually get what she wants. And let’s face it, at the time it may seem so much easier to give in than to hold your ground, but be firm. And don’t be fooled by the dramatics; a young child begging for another biscuit then crying for just one more will pull at the old heart strings. Stand your ground. You are doing your child a disservice if you give in.

In a situation like this, if you have said, ‘No,’ remove the biscuits or the wanted item out of sight, and divert the child’s attention with a toy, a book, a drawing, anything. If you are in company, don’t be embarrassed, simply explain, you’ll get far more respect than if you’re seen to be giving in.

If you start this at an early age, a child will have learnt that ‘No’ means ‘No’ by the time they are three or four, and life will be much easier. This is not to say they will never ask a second or third time for something, after all you want them to show a bit of spirit, but they will expect and accept a definitive ‘No’.

Remain calm and in control

‘Easier said than done!’ you’re probably thinking, when the children have been arguing all day, refuse to leave the TV and won’t do their homework or tidy their room. In a perfect world we would never lose our tempers and shout at our children, but in a perfect world our children would never do anything to make us. However, in the real world they do and sometimes we do lose it.

In such cases when you suddenly snap and scream or shout at your children, if they are young, they may burst into tears as they have never seen their mother or father in this state and it frightens them. As soon as you compose yourself, apologize to them and say that you’re sorry you lost your temper. Some young children may need to be reassured that although you shouted you still love them. Don’t go thinking you are a terrible parent or having a guilt trip because you screamed a short monologue at your children. First, you are not alone and secondly, you are a parent not a saint!

However, even older children can be upset by seeing a parent suddenly losing it. Again apologize, but do not let your sudden lack of control become the substitute for their punishment. If during your rant you unrealistically said that they were not going to go out for a month and anything still remaining on their bedroom floor was going to be binned, when you have composed yourself, impose a sensible punishment. If your children are not used to seeing you lose control, they too will feel guilty that they pushed you that far, where in truth it was possibly a combination of things, culminating in their behaviour being ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’. If this is the case explain it to them, as they can start to understand, as they get older, the pressures adults are put under with work, relationships, money issues and children.

Try to stay calm.

Making a habit of shouting at your children will just teach them that if you can’t control yourself, why should they? They will revert to shouting and screaming when they are angry. Shouting is very ineffective and they will cease listening to what you are saying. Some children actually quite enjoy seeing a parent losing their self-control and will wind them up accordingly. Don’t fall into that trap.

It is far more effective to speak in a very firm, very controlled voice, as if to say, ‘I am in control and I intend remaining very much in control.’

Dealing with Unsociable Behaviour: 1–4 years old

What to expect

Toddlers are as much maligned as teenagers; they are labelled rebellious, defiant, even impossible. And yes they can be all those things. In fact these two development stages are similar, as the children are battling for independence. Our mission as parents from day one is to help, guide and educate them towards that independence.

However, a few valuable points to remember about toddlers are:

They have a short attention span

They do not have the ability to see the consequences of their actions

They are curious about everything

They are easily distracted

First, never forget that you are an adult. You are a responsible adult who can have a mortgage, drive a car, reproduce and earn a living. Your children may not yet be two, they probably can’t hold a pencil correctly, hold a conversation or control their bowels. So there’s no reason they should get the better of you, is there? Is there?

At around two your toddlers will start to assert themselves as the battle for their ultimate goal, independence, begins, which will incorporate winning and losing a few battles along the way. This two-year period is actually the time when they suss out what sort of parents you are and how much they will be able to get away with in the future. Their respect for you starts here. Crack it now and life will be easier for all of you. Although your children won’t recognize it, they will feel reassured and safe knowing that their parents are there constantly guiding, helping, correcting and leading them on their long road to independence.

Children need, and subconsciously want, boundaries and they need to know what they are. Keep rules simple so that they can understand, such as they are not allowed to hit the cat, or bang their sit-on car into the cupboard. Once they know their boundaries they will try and cross them.

Very often they will watch for your reaction as they do it, as if to say, ‘So what are you going to do about it?’ Do something about it. Stop them immediately. In these examples, remove the cat or the car and tell them why. They will be so much happier for it (so will the cat).