Yes, Please. Thanks!: Teaching Children of All Ages Manners, Respect and Social Skills for Life

Some children even this young will realize and enjoy the attention they receive when they bite or hit. Be sure to encourage and praise more social behaviour such as playing nicely with a friend, saying please or thank you. Make sure they are getting plenty of positive attention.

FEELING THREATENED

If children feel overwhelmed by their surroundings or there are too many children for them to cope with they may bite or lash out as a self-defence tactic if they feel endangered. If you feel your child is finding it hard to cope in certain situations try and avoid them until he or she is a few months older.

INSECURITY

Domestic arrangements suddenly changing can cause children to feel very unsettled and they may suddenly begin biting or become aggressive. Divorce, death, even parents returning to work can trigger this behaviour. Give your child plenty of reassurance.

TOO MUCH ENERGY

Toddlers have an abundance of energy which can build up inside them until they eventually ‘blow’. To avoid this pitfall make sure they have a good run around every day and some fresh air. If they sit in front of violent cartoons all day with no exercise they may well lash out if they are asked to do something they are not so keen on.

FEAR

If children feel afraid, in danger or threatened they can often misbehave to try and protect themselves. Three-and four-year-olds start to have a sense of the world around them and this can arouse all sorts of fears. If you think this is the problem, talk to and reassure your children. Never undermine children’s emotions.

COPYING

Some households still believe in slapping children as punishment and children from these families will automatically assume they can do the same.

If children pinch bottoms it is more likely they have seen their parents pinch each other’s bottom and liked the reaction of the recipient. Mothers very often gently pinch their child’s bottom, so if your child pinches someone’s bottom explain that you can only do that within families.

Dealing with Unsociable Behaviour: 5–14 years old

Children, whether you believe it or not, actually want to please their parents and when they demonstrate poor or unacceptable behaviour they are doing it for a reason. The trouble is they won’t realize the reason themselves and it will be up to you as parents to find out what it is. Try talking to your children to see what they are feeling. It would be so much simpler if children could explain their problem. If only they could tell us, for example, ‘Mum, Dad, look it’s like this, I’ve had your undivided attention for four years and now there’s this new kid in my territory, in fact in my old cot. She’s taking a large portion of your time and, quite frankly, I’m not happy. So to vent my feelings I’m going to throw a tantrum the next time we are in a café.’ You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that problem, jealousy, but it’s finding out by trying to decipher their behaviour which is the tricky bit. However, once you have worked out what the problem is you can address the root cause and hopefully see a change in their behaviour. This may take a bit of trial and error.

Problem

Any behaviour that may get them noticed by their parents, e.g. shouting, jumping up and down, constantly interrupting. Children usually look to see if their parents are watching whilst they are ‘performing’.

Possible cause

Lack of positive attention. Some children simply do not have enough positive time with their parents and ‘perform’ for their attention. Other children will misbehave because when they do, they get far more attention than when they behave well.

SOLUTION

Basically, children have needs which are not being met. ‘You must be joking,’ you’re probably thinking, ‘They have TVs, videos, DVDs, CD players, bikes, Playstations and a wardrobe full of designer clothes. They’ve got everything they could possibly want.’ And herein could well lie the problem. None of these are essential for happy, well-behaved children, although you may think they are. What is essential for children from their parents is regular physical contact, individual attention, respect and positive time.

Young children often interrupt phone calls or parents talking for their attention. If you have been out working all day, avoid long chats on the phone when your children are desperate to see you. Wait until they are in bed. Screen calls with an answerphone. Children will interrupt less and less the older they get. If they interrupt while you are talking to someone else, tell them firmly not to interrupt and that when you have finished talking they will have your undivided attention.

Problem

Aggression, hitting, lashing out. Not controlling their temper. Truancy.

Possible cause

Parents’ divorce, serious illness in the family, frustration at school through possible learning disorders or being bullied. Simple frustration.

SOLUTION

Divorce – Although doctors are in general agreement that children are better off with one happy parent rather than two unhappy parents, the trauma of divorce takes its toll on everyone concerned. As adults, parents must put their children’s well-being before their own feelings of hurt.

Few divorces are harmonious and usually one parent is far more embittered than the other, but however wronged you feel, however much you now despise your ex, never, ever, use your children as some sort of emotional pawn. They have done nothing to deserve it. Your children still love both parents and however much you want them to hate your ex as much as you do, leave your children out of it. Avoid saying awful things about your ex to them or somebody else in their hearing range. It is hard enough for children when their parents separate so don’t make it worse by trying to get the children to take sides. A few years down the line you may be happier than ever with a new partner but your children may carry their emotional scars for the rest of their lives. And don’t make it difficult for your ex to see the children; why punish the children?

If only one good thing can come out of your divorce make it your children’s smooth passage from a two-parent family to two single-parent families.

Children often blame themselves for divorce so they will need extra physical contact and love for reassurance. Depending on their ages, explain what is happening, and I don’t mean, ‘Your father’s a filthy, lying, cheating swine,’ but a simple, ‘Sometimes adults don’t get on any more and don’t want to live together, but Daddy and I both love you very much.’

Anger – Do not wait until your daughter hits her brother for the fourth time. After the first whack take her away from the action to a quiet spot to cool off. Explain very firmly that you must never hit another person and as an immediate penalty reduce her TV time that day. Let her have a five-minute cool-off period. She must apologize to her victim, then taking hold of her hand or putting your arm around her, talk to her about her anger and try and get to the bottom of it. Just because she hit her brother does not necessarily mean that her brother is the cause of her anger.

However angry you are with children never shout, call them names or hit them. This will only teach them that they can deal with their anger by behaving in an aggressive and verbal way. Explain to your child that it is perfectly normal to get angry but they must learn to control it and perhaps the next time she wants to hit her brother to move away from the situation or to come and see you or go and hit the pillow on her bed.

Isolated incidents can be dealt with quickly but repeated shows of aggression suggest a deeper-lying problem. Try and find out the cause of the problem by talking to them but if the aggression persists, seek professional help.

Illness – Depending on their age, explain the illness. Try and reassure your children that everything possible is being done to help cure the patient and a home-made get-well card would really cheer them up.

School – If you suspect there is a problem at school, whether academic or social, ask your child first, but if they are not forthcoming contact your child’s teacher. If you suspect your child is being bullied, immediately make an appointment to see the head of the school.

Frustration – Talk to your children about friends, school, activities and the family to try to discover the root of the frustration and then help to dispel it.

Problem

Sudden change in behaviour, throwing tantrums, aggression towards a sibling.

Possible cause

Jealousy, change of circumstances, inferiority complex.

SOLUTION

Jealousy – Sibling rivalry is hard to stop. Jealousy is an emotion that’s not easy to just shut down, however much you reassure them. As parents you simply cannot be expected to be judge and jury for all of their squabbles or treat them exactly the same because all children are individuals. Bickering siblings seem to upset the parents more than the children. Whenever I heard mine squabbling I would go in to see what was going on and sometimes they agreed they were fine. Sometimes they were not. Unless they start becoming violent just ask them to go to another room or outside so that you can’t hear. If their bickering does get aggressive just separate them into different rooms and tell them to play on their own. Don’t feel guilty if you find that one week you are spending more time with one child than the other. You cannot expect to have a stop-clock on sharing your time. In the end it will even itself out.

When arguments become heated, try and help them come to a compromise they can both live with. This is a great exercise for children as it teaches them two of life’s essential skills: problem-solving and negotiation.

Parents must be careful to avoid making comments such as, ‘Why can’t you be more like your sister,’ or, ‘Your brother is so good at Maths I can’t understand why you’re not.’ Children are individuals. They do not want to be constantly judged against their brothers or sisters.

The oldest child often feels jealousy towards a new baby in the family no matter what you do to try and avoid it, and in a way can you blame them? After all, for a few years they have been the centre of your universe and now another child appears and takes some of your time with them away. Quel horreur! Asking the older child, however young, to help with the new baby, feeding, playing and generally being more hands-on often alleviates feelings of jealousy. And always make ‘special’ time to spend with the older child without the baby.

My son was born exactly two years after my daughter and I thought I had done everything to avoid any jealousy. However, one day a few months later, I caught my daughter walking into my bedroom. Her brother was on a blanket on the floor, and she stepped on him as she walked over him, ‘Katherine, you just walked on your brother,’ I reprimanded. ‘Oh’, she replied ‘I didn’t see him.’ My son was quite ill as a baby and was hospitalized a few times within his first two years, so he did receive more attention than would be normal. For years my daughter was jealous of her brother (and admitted it) and once when she was about nine I was taking her to school and explaining that her brother was not going to school because he was ill. ‘I hope it’s life-threatening,’ she replied (little charmer). Anyway, fortunately, brother and sister are now very close.

When arguments end in tears, as they sometimes will, sit in between the two children and tell them how lucky they are to have each other, how ‘only’ children have no-one to play with, and how hard it is as parents having to listen to their lovely children fighting with each other.

Change of circumstances – Moving house, changing school, a new partner, a new nanny — any of these changes can make a child feel insecure and manifest itself in a change of behaviour. Once you have identified the problem, extra reassurance will usually resolve it. And that does not mean just a quick word. It may take several months of spending a little extra time with them and giving the reassurance that physical contact such as a protective arm around their shoulder or a hug can give.

Introducing new partners can also arouse feelings of jealousy and conflicting loyalties. There is nothing like talking to your children to discuss the new situation. Ask them how they feel. Do they feel angry or threatened? Do your best to dispel their worries. You cannot expect children to be excited about their mother or father having a new partner or for a parent suddenly wanting to do everything ‘like a family’ with the new stand-in for the other parent. It will take time and patience, depending on your children’s age, how long their parents have been separated and the attitude of the parents to each other.

Inferiority complex – Sometimes children will behave in silly ways to overcome a sense of inferiority, perhaps in class before a test or during PE. Not every child is going to be great at everything, so just continue to build up their self-esteem and explain that although they may not be able to climb the ropes in PE most people would love to be able to paint like them.