Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes

«Oh yes, sir,» said the doorkeeper, «they are all here. Will you come in and see them?»

«No, I won’t, I have no time to lose,» replied the visitor. «As they are here right now and I saw them in my guide-book I can continue to visit other castles and museums. Good-bye.» And he hurried away.[9 - hurried away – поспешил прочь]

* * *

A man placed an advertisement «Wife wanted[10 - Wife wanted – Ищу жену]». The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying «You can have mine».

* * *

Men go shopping[11 - go shopping – ходят за покупками] to find what they want… Women go shopping to find out[12 - find out – понять] what they want.

* * *

– Hi, Mary! How was your school today? – You can read all about it on my Facebook, dad!

* * *

Wife: Yesterday night I saw a dream that you were sending me expensive clothes and jewelry. Husband: Yeah, and I saw a dream that your dad was paying the bill.

* * *

Teacher to doctor’s daughter: Your grades are terrible! I shall send for your father! The doctor’s daughter: Think twice, teacher. Daddy always charges 50 dollars for each visit.

* * *

If a single teacher can’t teach us all subjects, then how can a student learn all these subjects?

* * *

Boy: Our principal[13 - principal – директор школы] is so stupid. Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No. Girl: I am the principal’s daughter. Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No. Boy: Good. (Walks away).

* * *

It takes[14 - it takes – требуется] 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write one exam. Save trees! Say no to exams!

* * *

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

* * *

I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.

* * *

John returned home late and found a naked man in his wife’s bedroom closet. «Hey, what are you doing in there?» «I’m riding a bus.» «That’s a stupid answer!» «That’s a stupid question!»

* * *

– David, your ideas are like diamonds. – You mean they are so valuable? – No, I mean they are so rare.

* * *

One woman says to her friend: – I hope he likes me. Do you think he will call? Maybe I was too strong. – Relax. If a recruiter wants you he will call you.

* * *

«Medicine won’t help you at all,» the doctor told his patient. «What you need is a complete change of living. Get away[15 - get away – отправляйтесь] to some quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat more fruit, drink plenty of good rich milk, and smoke just one cigar a day[16 - one cigar a day – одну сигару в день]». A month later the patient walked into the doctor’s office. He looked like a new man, and the doctor told him so. «Yes, doctor, your advice certainly helped me. I went to bed early and did all the other things you told me. But, I say, doctor, that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. To start to smoke at my age!»

* * *

I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.[17 - take my advice – следуют моим советам]

* * *

The best part of my job is that my chair swivels.

* * *

A young girl once asked Mark Twain[18 - Mark Twain – Марк Твен] if he liked books for Christmas gifts. «Well, that depends,[19 - that depends – это зависит от обстоятельств]» answered the great humorist, «if a book has a leather cover, it is really valuable as a razor strop.[20 - a razor strop – ремень для правки бритвы] If it is a brief, concise work, such as the French write, it is useful to put under the short leg of a wabbly table.[21 - wabbly table – шатающийся стол] A large book, like an atlas on geography, is good to nail over a broken pane of glass.[22 - to nail over a broken pane of glass – заделать дыру в оконном стекле]»

* * *

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

* * *

A bewhiskered[23 - bewhiskered – бородатый] American farmer was once a passenger in a crowded trolley-bus. A little rather stout man was trying to reach a strap,[24 - to reach a strap – дотянуться до ремня] caught the farmer’s beard. The farmer exclaimed indignantly:

– Take your paws away from my beard! – What’s the matter, mister? – said the aggressive little man. – Are you getting off?[25 - Are you getting off? – Вы выходите?]

* * *

A college professor returned home from a meeting. As he entered his room, he heard a noise that seemed to come[26 - that seemed to come – который, казалось, доносился] from under the bed. «Is there someone there?» he asked absently. «No, professor,» answered the thief. «That is strange,» muttered the professor. «I was almost sure I heard someone under the bed.»

* * *

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher[27 - Doberman Pinscher – доберман-пинчер (порода собаки)] and a guy with a Chihuahua.[28 - Chihuahua – чихуахуа (порода собаки)] The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,

– Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

– We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,

– Just follow me.