Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes

«Well, we work for the county government,» one of the men said.

«But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?»

«You don’t understand, mister,» one of the men said, while he was leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. «Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.»

«Yes,» added Mike. «Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?»

* * *

– I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I? – A liar!

* * *

– Lord, I have a problem! – What’s the problem, Eve? – Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy. – Why is that, Eve? – Lord, I am lonely. – Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. – What’s a ‘man,’ Lord? – This man will be a flawed creature,[47 - flawed сreature– бракованный продукт] with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, he’ll basically give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster, and stronger than you.

– I can put up with that,[48 - put up with that – смириться с этим] – says Eve. – Well, but there is one condition. – What’s that, Lord? – You’ll have to let him believe[49 - to let him believe – позволить ему верить] that I made him first.

* * *

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord – nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells, «Oh! So you want to race,[50 - to race – лететь наперегонки] right?»

* * *

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race[51 - important race – важные скачки] on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, «All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. If you do that, everything will be fine.» The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on[52 - carry on – продолжают] and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, embarrassed, whispers ‘Ale ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, «It’s no good, I must do it,» and yells, «ALLLEEE OOOP!» really loudly. Sure enough, the horse jumps over the hurdle with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, «Nothing is wrong with me, it’s this bloody horse. What is he deaf or something?»

The trainer replies, «Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf, he’s BLIND!»

* * *

A man was wandering around a fairground[53 - was wandering around a fairground – бродил по ярмарке] and he saw fortuneteller’s tent.[54 - fortuneteller’s tent – шатёр предсказательницы] He had nothing to do, so he went in and sat down. «Ah…» said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. «I see you are the father of two children.» «Silly fortuneteller,» scoffed the man, «I’m the father of THREE children!» The woman grinned and said, «That’s what YOU think!»

* * *

A man says that he saw a ghost. So his friend asks him what the ghost said to him. «How can I understand,» replied the man, «what he said? I don’t know any dead languages.»

* * *

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

* * *

A photographer for a national magazine was invited to take pictures[55 - to take pictures – сделать фотографии] of a great forest fire. «A small plane will wait for you to fly you over the fire,» said the editor. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough,[56 - sure enough – действительно] a small airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, «Let’s go!» The tense man was sitting in the pilot’s seat. So the plane rose up and soon they were in the air. But they were flying erratically. «Fly over the north side of the fire,» said the photographer, «And make several low-level passes.[57 - make several low-level passes – сделать несколько пролётов на предельно малой высоте]» «Why?» asked the nervous pilot. «Because I want to take pictures!» yelled the photographer. «I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!» The pilot replied, «You mean you’re not the flight instructor?»

* * *

Little Johnny: I don’t think I deserve a zero on this test.

Teacher: I agree, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.

* * *

An Irishman, by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young girl showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.

The young girl returned it to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

«It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,» he smiled. «I gave you a sham rock.[58 - Игра слов: sham – поддельный, rock – камень; shamrock – трилистник (национальная эмблема Ирландии)]»

* * *

A very well known doctor and extremely well known lawyer get into a car accident way out on a country road. The lawyer sustains no injuries[59 - sustains no injuries – не получает увечий] from the crash but notices that the doctor is injured. So he runs over to his car and helps the doctor out of the twisted wreckage and offers the doctor a drink out of his flask. The doctor happily accepts the drink and takes a big swig[60 - big swig– большой глоток] of whatever alcohol was in the bottle. He hands it back to the lawyer who promptly puts it back in his pocket. «You’re not going to have a drink?» asks the doctor. The lawyer replies, «Yes, but I’ll wait till the police leave!»

* * *

A woman walks into a bank in London City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow ?5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that’s parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the ?5,000 and the interest,[61 - the interest – процент] which comes to ?15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says: «We are very happy to make this transaction.[62 - transaction – транзакция (банковская операция, состоящая в переводе денежных средств с одного счёта на другой)] But please tell us, why did you borrow ?5,000?» «Well, where else in London City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen pounds?»

* * *

A young man was hired by a supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, «Your first job will be to sweep out[63 - sweep out – подметать] the store.» «But I’m a college graduate,[64 - college graduate – выпускник колледжа]» the young man replied indignantly. «Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,» said the manager. «Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.»

* * *

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength[65 - with last ounce of strength – из последних сил] he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note: it can be his father’s will![66 - will – завещание] He read it. It said: «You fool – get off[67 - get off – слезь] my oxygen pipe!!!»

* * *

An airline captain was in love with a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over[68 - stay-over – ночёвка] in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up.[69 - called her up – позвонил ей] What happened to her? She answered the phone, she was crying and said she couldn’t get out of[70 - get out of – выйти из] her room. «You can’t get out of your room?» the captain asked, «Why not?» The stewardess replied, «There are only three doors here,» she sobbed, «one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!»

* * *

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, «I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up[71 - open them up – вскрываете их] everything is in alphabetical order». The second surgeon said, «I like to operate on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order». The third surgeon said, «I like to operate on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.[72 - color coded – маркировано в цвете] The fourth surgeon said, «I like to operate on lawyers». The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief.[73 - in disbelief – с недоверием] One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, «Because they are heartless, gutless, and spineless!»

* * *

One day a Pope[74 - Pope – папа римский] and a lawyer died and went to Heaven. God came and said, «Follow me and I will give you your rooms.» So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. «Thank you, thank you my lord,» said The Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman. «Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other little one to The Pope?» «Well, popes we get regular as clockwork,[75 - we get regular as clockwork – мы получаем постоянно] but you’re our first lawyer.»

* * *

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, «…And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’» The teacher paused, then asked the class, «And what do you think that man said?» One little boy raised his hand and said, «I know, he said: Wow! A talking pig!»

* * *

One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard how his son was praying, «God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma.[76 - Grandma = Grandmother] Ta ta, Grandpa.[77 - Grandpa = Grandfather]» The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.[78 - a heart attack – сердечный приступ] The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit afraid. The next night, he heard his son was praying again, «God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.» The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. The next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son’s door the next night. And the boy started to pray, «God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.» Now the father was very afraid. He stayed up[79 - stayed up – не ложился спать, бодрствовал] all night, and went to the doctor’s early the next day to make sure[80 - to make sure – чтобы убедитьcя] his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, «Thank God you’re here! You can help us! Our milkman was dead on our porch this morning!»

* * *

Patient (to the doctor): Will it hurt,[81 - will it hurt? – будет больно?] doctor? Doctor: Only when you get my bill, sir.

* * *