Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes

– No.

– Is it my charisma?

– No.

– I give in.[39 - I give in. – Я сдаюсь.]

– That’s it![40 - That’s it! – Вот именно это!]

* * *

– Doctor, doctor! I have a terrible stomach-ache. I ate three crabs last week.

– Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?

– What do you mean by «took them out of their shells»?

* * *

In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation.

One says to the other, «Why are you here?»

The second answers, «I’m Napoleon,[41 - Napoleon – Наполеон] so the doctor told me to come here.»

The first is curious and asks, «How do you know that you’re Napoleon?»

The second responds, «God told me I was.»

At this point,[42 - at this point – в этот момент] a patient on the other side of the room shouts, «No, I didn’t!»

* * *

The manager of a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

«What is your name?» was the first thing the manager asked him.

«John,» the new guy replied.

The manager scowled,

«Look, I don’t know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. My name is Mr. Robertson. Now what is your last name?»

The new guy sighed and said, «Darling. My name is John Darling.»

«Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…»

* * *

A woman called and asked,

– Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to whom?

– No, why do you ask?

She replied,

– Well, when I checked in[43 - checked in – регистрировалась] with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?

– You know, the city code for Fresno is FAT, and the airline was just putting a destination tag on your luggage!

* * *

The doctor said that a champion had a temperature.

«How high is it, Doctor?» he wanted to know.

«Thirty and nine,» said the Doctor.

«And what’s the world record?» asked the champion.

* * *

«Is that Nora?» asked Willy.

«Yes, Nora is speaking,» answered the girl.

«Marry me, Nora, and marry quick.»

«Yes, I will,» was the reply, «but who is speaking?»

* * *

– If your brother has five apples and you take two from him, what will be the result?

– He will beat me.

* * *

«What’s the matter with you, darling?» Lily asked her husband. «Monday you liked beans, Tuesday you liked beans, Wednesday you liked beans, Thursday all of a sudden[44 - all of a sudden – вдруг ни с того ни с сего] you don’t like beans.»

* * *

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink.[45 - soft drink – безалкогольный напиток] He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.[46 - filled in the hole – засыпать яму] While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

«Wait, wait,» the fellow said to the men. «Can you tell me what’s going on here?»