Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

Holmes said, “Watson, look up. What do you see (Ватсон, посмотрите наверх; что вы видите)?”

“Well, I see thousands of stars (я вижу тысячи звезд).”

“And what does that mean to you (и что это значит, по-вашему = о чем вам это говорит)?”

“Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow (мне кажется, это значит, что у нас завтра будет очередной хороший денек). What does it mean to you, Holmes?”

“To me, it means someone has stolen our tent (что кто-то стащил нашу палатку; to steel-stole-stolen – красть).”

friend [frend], mean [mi:n]

Sherlock Holmes and his friend Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, “Watson, look up. What do you see?”

“Well, I see thousands of stars.”

“And what does that mean to you?”

“Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?”

“To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.”

• And what does that mean to you?

4. On a rural road (на проселочной дороге) a state trooper (конный полицейский) pulled this farmer over (остановил /машину/ фермера) and said: “Sir, do you realize (сэр, вы понимаете/знаете) your wife fell out of the car several miles back (что ваша супруга выпала из машины несколько миль «назад»; to fall-fell-fallen – падать)?”

To which the farmer replied (на что фермер ответил), “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf (слава Богу, /а то/ я подумал, я стал глухим = оглох; to think)!”

rural ['r??r(?)l], realize ['r??la?z], several ['sev(?)r(?)l], replied [r?'pla?d], deaf [def]

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which the farmer replied, “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

• Thank God!

5. Old farmer Johnson was dying (старый фермер Джонсон умирал). The family was standing around his bed (семья стояла вокруг его постели). With a low voice he said to his wife (тихим голосом он сказал своей жене): “When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones (когда я умру, я хочу, чтобы ты вышла за фермера Джонса).”

Wife (жена): “No, I can't marry anyone after you (нет, я не смогу выйти ни за кого после тебя).”

Johnson: “But I want you to (но я хочу, чтобы ты это сделала).”

Wife: “But why (но почему)?”

Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal (Джонс однажды надул меня при покупке лошади; deal – сделка)!”

around [?'ra?nd], voice [v??s], after ['?:ft?]

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: “When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.”

Wife: “No, I can't marry anyone after you.”

Johnson: “But I want you to.”

Wife: “But why?”

Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!”

• But I want you to.

6. Newly wed wife to her husband (молодая жена своему мужу; to wed – жениться; выходить замуж):

“That is why I can't stand you (вот почему я не могу выносить тебя) – you are so unpredictable (ты такой непредсказуемый; to predict – предсказывать). On Monday you liked the potatoes (в понедельник ты любил картошку), Tuesday (во вторник) you liked the potatoes, Wednesday (в среду) you liked the potatoes, Thursday (в четверг) you said (ты сказал) you loved the potatoes preparation (тебе понравилось приготовление картошки = как она приготовлена), Friday (в пятницу) you liked the potatoes, Saturday (в субботу) you liked the potatoes and now (а сейчас) all of a sudden (вдруг) on Sunday (в воскресенье) you say that you don't like potatoes.”

unpredictable [,?npr?'d?kt?bl], potatoes [p?'te?t??z], Wednesday ['wenzde?], preparation [,prep(?)'re??(?)n], Saturday ['s?t?de?]

Newly wed wife to her husband:

“That is why I can't stand you – you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don't like potatoes.”

• That is why I can't stand you – you are so unpredictable.

7. A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself (человек в баре видит за столиком приятеля, пьющего в одиночку).

Approaching (подойдя/приблизившись к) the friend he comments (замечает), “You look terrible (ты ужасно выглядишь). What's the problem (в чем проблема/что случилось)?”

“My mother died in August (моя мать умерла в августе),” he said, “and left me (оставила мне; to leave) $25,000.”

“Gee, that's tough (ого, вот это сурово; taugh – жесткий; плотный; упругий; тяжело),” he replied (ответил).

“Then in September (затем в сентябре),” the friend continued (продолжал), “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months (ух ты, двое родителей за два месяца). No wonder you're depressed (неудивительно, что ты подавлен).”

“And last month (в прошлом месяце) my aunt (тетя) died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months (три близких члена семьи потеряны за три месяца; to lose – терять)? How sad (как печально).”

“Then this month (а в этом месяце),” continued the friend, “absolutely nothing (абсолютно ничего)!”

continued [k?n't?nju:d], aunt [?:nt], close /прил./ [kl??s], absolutely [,?bs(?)'lu:tl?], nothing ['n???n]

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What's the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”