A Cure for All Diseases

– theyll have their hands full – he said – give him my best if you see him again –

I said I would – but not much chance – I think. Probably got him in a padded cell after his escape trick the other day!

So now to my lonely bed – thinking of you all tangled up with the bronze bonking machine! Just cos Ive given up men forever doesnt mean I cant enjoy them vicariously – so – give him one for me!

Lots of love

Charley XX

9 (#ulink_c207eeed-e47e-5013-966b-4a42be9ec169)

Morning, Mildred!

They’ve still got me banged up in bed, so I might as well talk to myself. At least I’ll hear some sense!

No. Be fair. Like me old mam used to say, there’s some folk you needn’t be kind to, but you should always try to be fair with everyone.

I thought I’d wake up with the dawn the morning after the great escape and feel right as rain. Instead it were nigh on midday and I were busting for a piss, but when I slid out of bed, I almost fell over. Felt worse than I’d done in the Central.

Matron appeared like a flash – mebbe she’s got me bugged!

‘Mr Dalziel,’ she said. ‘You shouldn’t be up!’

‘Shouldn’t I?’ I said. ‘It’s either that or I’ll be floating out of here on my mattress.’

She had the sense not to suggest I use one of them bottles, but slung my arm over her shoulders, grabbed me round the waist and together we staggered into the bathroom.

‘There,’ she said. ‘I’ll just tidy up your bed, then I’ll be back for you.’

‘Take your time,’ I said. ‘I’m going to.’

I left flushing the bog till after I’d got washed up so’s she’d not have any advance warning and come rushing to help. Two quick steps from the bog to the doorway and I had to stop for a rest.

Matron were standing by my newly made bed, holding my recorder.

‘Found this in your bed, Mr Dalziel,’ she said.

‘Oh aye. It’s a sex aid,’ I said.

‘Really?’ she said, holding it to her ear. ‘What’s it play? Beginner’s instructions?’

Cheeky cow! But I had to laugh. And she grinned too, like she knew that my only interest in bed that moment was getting into it and going back to sleep.

I went forward at a stagger, grabbed the recorder off her and fell across the mattress. She tutted and pulled the duvet over me.

‘I see you’ve got a visit scheduled tomorrow,’ she said. ‘Hope you can get down to your physio session in the morning or we may have to cancel it.’

But she was grinning as she said it.

Bit more to her than I reckoned. Could make summat of her yet! But need to be careful now she’s set her sharp little eyes on this thing. Think I’ll tuck it between my legs before I go to sleep. If anyone can get it out of there without me noticing, then I’m really knackered! But I’ll need to find a better place to hide it permanent if I don’t want them having a right giggle in the nurses’ room. Old trick, wrap it in a plastic bag and stick it in the lav cistern. First place a cop ’ud look, but cops are one thing I don’t need to worry about just now!

So, head down, and hope I can skip them funny dreams I keep on getting and work on a nice little fantasy about Cap instead. Roll on tomorrow. Couple of hours with Cap’s all the physiotherapy I need!

10 (#ulink_19210ccd-4677-5195-8e1f-de0fe56f1d5c)

OK, Mildred, I should have listened to you and put my woolly vest on!

Bad night. Didn’t get my hoped-for fantasy about Cap but another bunch of them daft dreams about floating around and talking to God!

But my physio went well. Tony tutted a bit when he looked me over. But by the time he’d finished, I were feeling lish enough to reckon I could give Cap the welcome she deserved!

First, though, I had to put up with her giving me the bollocking she thought I deserved! Blabbermouth Festerwhanger must have really laid it on thick about how much damage I could have done to myself going over the wire.

I tried playing it down, doing the big bull thing, saying, ‘Come here and I’ll soon show thee how poorly I am!’ Well, she came, and I showed her, and that’s when I found out like mam used to say that my eyes were hungrier than my belly.

When I finally gave up, she said, ‘That does it, Andy. From now on in, if they tell you to start the day with an ice bath, you bloody well take it! If I wanted a eunuch, I’d have looked in the Istanbul small ads.’

She’s got a real lip on her, Cap.

She’d brought my civvies as promised and it were only by promising to be a good little patient and do what matron tells me that I stopped her from taking them back.

When I asked if she had any news from the Factory, she said nothing, except that Pete had told her everything was going fine and nobody was missing me. He’d asked her about visiting me. I told her no way, not till I were properly up and about. He’d seen me at the Central while I were still good for nowt. Next time he saw me, I wanted to be back to something like full steam, else he might start feeling sorry for me. I don’t doubt the vultures are already circling over the Factory and if Pete comes back from a visit with a long face, they’ll be flapping to land!

Cap said I were daft, I needed my friends. I said I knew what I needed better than her, and she rolled her eyes and said that what I clearly needed was another week in bed. And not long after she took off. Said she wanted to walk over to the nursing home and see her old headmistress who’s on her last legs, it seems.

Her parting line was, ‘Maybe that’s where I should have put you, Andy.’

I saw her out. As I made my way back to my room, who should I see coming out of it but Franny Roote!

‘What the hell are you doing?’ I demanded.

‘Looking for you, of course, Andy,’ he said. ‘A few of your fellow convies – sorry, convalescents – are interested in Third Thought, and after I finished with them, I asked Pet where I’d find you.’

‘Pet?’ I said.

‘Nurse Sheldon. I’d have thought you’d have been on first-name terms by now, Andy’

‘Well, we’re not. And neither are you and me,’ I said grimly. ‘Now bog off!’

I wasn’t in the mood for chatting with Roote, not the way things had gone with Cap. Don’t know who it was said that pleasures are always paid for, but the bugger got it right. My pleasure had been a couple of pints of ale, one of which I didn’t really enjoy, and here I was, still paying for it.

Which reminds me. I owe yon fellow Parker twenty quid. Well, it will have to wait. I know its only tea time, but I need my beauty sleep!

11 (#ulink_ca3eb0f8-a494-540c-adc1-9c7b288033ac)

Hi!

No reply yet to mine of yesterday. Too busy? Doing what? – I ask myself.