A Cure for All Diseases

How do you know how much I weighed before?

We have your medical records. No one comes to the Avalon without a complete legend.

So I’m a legend, am I? I’ll tell you what, luv. You fatten me up till I reach what you think is my legendary shape, then we’ll see how we get on from there, OK?

That sounds reasonable. Now I gather I’m to escort you to Dr Feldenhammer’s lunch meeting tomorrow.

If you’re Petula, that’s right, matron.

Yes, that is my name. My title incidentally isn’t matron. I am Head of Nursing Care and usually I’m addressed as Mrs Sheldon.

But I bet you’re undressed as Pet, right? Nay, don’t look offended, not when you’ve got such a bonny smile. That’s better. Let’s start again. If we’re going out together, I’m going to call you Pet. And if you’re going to get me back to my proper shape, you can call me Adonis. But Andy will do if you’re worried about folk talking.

Andy it is. Will you be up to walking to the clinic, Andy? Or shall I bring a chair for you?

Ee, I do love a cheeky woman. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I fancy a shower. Don’t suppose you’d like to come in with me? I’ve got these muscle pains when I try to scrub my back.

I’m sorry to hear that, Andy, but it would be more than my job’s worth.

Oh, I think I could guarantee that, Pet.

Who’s a big mouth then? One little twitch when the beautiful Stiggi’s straddling your bum and you’re making like Don Juan! And it were only a few days back you were thinking that lass would have made a good concentration camp warder! Funny how feeling better changes your view of folk. Reminds me of summat Pete Pascoe once said when I wanted to haul someone into the Factory for questioning. Let’s start him off at home, he said. Once you feel like a prisoner, everyone looks like a guard.

Clever clogs were right, as per usual! I don’t feel like a prisoner any more and I can see yon Pet’s not a bad-looking woman, specially now I’ve got her to crack her face.

Time for that shower. What’s that, Mildred? Better make it a cold one?

Just for that you’re going back in the cistern!

Over and out!

14 (#ulink_f484ad5d-a780-5a8f-9c10-fad6912f7c8c)

Hi!

Really pleased to hear from you – was getting worried – but not as worried as I would have been if Id known! No – nothing on the news here – small African hospital under mortar fire – no one dead – doesnt hit the headlines. Just as well maybe – for mum & dads sake I mean – saves a lot of brick walls from being banged!

Anyway – I feel real guilty – lounging around here – in what must be the safest healthiest place in the world – boring you with my rustic rollickings! But you say it helps keep you on an even keel knowing theres still places like sleepy little Sandytown in the world – so heres the next exciting episode!

Or rather the next several episodes – each centred on a man – just so you dont get the impression youve got exclusive rights!

First Teddy – the hunk with the handle – literally! – as I have seen – & you will hear!

Weather was so warm today – I thought Id head for the beach – see if it had improved since the famous trip!

Tom was too busy to join me – thank heaven – I wanted to swim not talk – or rather listen! He said this was the day hed fixed for Mr Godley – the healer – to drive over & take a look at the set-up in Sandytown – & he hoped Id be back in time to meet him – as he knew how it would help with my study – which Im finally making a bit of progress with. Remembering how Godly Gordon took against me first time we met – I dont anticipate much encouragement there – but of course I said I hoped so too.

One other thing Tom said – rather awkwardly for him was – re the meeting at the Avalon – Charlotte – as it is mainly – nay solely – concerned with the alternative therapists – we – that is Lester Feldenhammer & myself – deemed it unnecessary to invite Lady Denham – so – should you chance into her company – it might be diplomatic not to say anything about it! –

Playing with fire there – Tom – I thought. But I was rather flattered to find myself part of a Sandytown conspiracy – so I said – no bother! – & my reward was that big boyish smile.

The kids were off doing their own thing somewhere – so I didnt have to offer to take them – which was a relief. My dip in the hotel pool had whetted my appetite for a real swim – not paddling around in the shallows – keeping an eye on young Parkers.

So off I went – cozzie on under a wrap – towel over my shoulder.

Only a fifteen minute walk down into the village – might take a bit longer coming back up the hill – I thought – but sufficient is the evil – remember?

Met quite a few people who said hello – more than Im likely to meet in Willingden – being Tom Parkers guest gets you on the social register big time!

The beach was pretty crowded. School hols – lots of families – an ice cream van – a burger stall – deck chairs – all the usual stuff for screwing money out of people. I guessed the Hope & Anchor was doing pretty good business too. All in all – Sandytown looks like its booming. Good news for the Consortium – Tom delighted because the prosperity gets shared around – Lady D because she sees her investment paying out big.

Mary – in her oblique way – has made it quite clear that civic responsibility doesnt figure large in Lady Ds world view. Profits the thing. With her own family money – plus the Hollis fortune – she could lounge her life away in luxury. But a lots never enough for the rich. She wants – even more!

Sorry – boring!

But you can wake up now. Im getting close to the beach – & the hunk!

Like I say – it was crowded – so I wandered along to the furthest extreme of the bay – marked by a rocky outcrop running out into the sea from the foot of North Cliff. You could probably get round the end of this at low tide – but now – with the tide well up – tho retreating – it created a bit of a barrier – reinforced by a sign on a steel post driven into the rock which warned – NO PUBLIC ACCESS – PRIVATE BEACH.

This was just the kind of thing the HB would have erected! So naturally I went scrambling up there without a moments hesitation!

From the top of the outcrop – I found myself looking down on to another bay – much smaller than Sandytowns – but also a lot emptier. In fact there were only four people there – & I wasnt too surprised to see they were Lady Denham – Teddy & his sister – & Clara Brereton.

The younger ones were wearing swimming costumes – Clara a polka dot bikini – that showed her boobs & bum to advantage – slender she might be – but even malice couldnt call her skinny. Lovely pale skin – dont know what sunblock she uses but its worth every penny to keep that lovely pearly glow – probably bathes in asses milk every morning. Stopped feeling sorry for her – even if she does have to skivvy for Lady D!

Esther was in a black one piece – revealing she was no frump either – though while Claras charms – asses milk apart – look all natural – I guess Ests are the best money could buy.

Miaow!

Mind – I had to look at her twice – because – sitting at Lady Ds feet – looking up at the old bat – & listening to her with every sign of interest & pleasure – it was hard to recognize the sourpuss Id encountered the previous day – no – once again I was put in mind of the sweaty laughing girl Id seen at the Bengel-bar disco.

Her ladyship was – naturally – enthroned in a canvas directors chair – with the others – naturally – occupying rugs on the sand.

Teddy – yes Im getting to the meat of my tale – was sprawled alongside Clara – almost but not quite touching – looking up at her with what – even at a distance – I recognized as hot bedroom eyes. She was sitting on her haunches – holding her two yards of shapely leg close to her body – as if scared any relaxation would invite an immediate assault on her pudenda – though whether it was concern for her honour – or awareness of Lady Ds proximity – that kept her virtuous – I couldnt tell.

& Teddy the bart? Im happy to say – he isnt one of those prezzies where the wrapping promises more than the gift. Long – lean – as beautifully brown as Clara is gorgeously white – all of his contours muscle – enough hair on his chest to be interesting but well this side of apish – in short – or indeed at length – a dish.

I was going to beat a retreat – but drinking in Teddys delights – objectively! – kept me there longer than I meant – & suddenly Lady Ds beady eyes clocked me.

Theres someone there – she boomed – damn cheek!

They all looked – then Teddy rose to his feet – one movement – like a panther – except they dont stand on the hind legs – do they? – but you know what I mean! He cried out – its Charley! – hey Charley – come on down here & join us! –

Might have made an excuse & left – but I saw Sister Esthers face congeal from dimpling attentiveness to pack-ice mode – & that did it!

– Hi – I said – scrambling down – didnt mean to intrude – but the beach back there is absolutely packed –

Bit of an exaggeration – but without thinking Id pushed the right button for Lady D – to whom bodies on the beach ultimately translates into boodle in the bank – & she said – never mention it – my dear – any friend of Toms is always welcome here –