A Cure for All Diseases

Well – Im busy too – but its not going to stop me finding time to tell you all about it – which youd better read – therell be a test!

If theres anyone left in Sandytown that I havent met yet – anyone of importance I mean – they must be living in a cave! Late breakfast this morning – Tom & Mary said I should ignore all sounds of early reveille – their kids like kids everywhere want to sleep forever during term time but are up with the lark in the hols. Minnie – I suspect – must have got a death threat warning to keep her away from my door – but it worked – & I didnt come down till half ten!

Just enjoying a coffee with Mary – Tom I guess was out even earlier than the kids! – when the doorbell rang. Mary went to answer it – & came back with this hunk – in tight black motor cycle leathers – & you know what they can do for a guys figure.

Not that this one wouldnt have looked good in pinstripes.

6′ 2″ — handsome as hell – in that old fashioned Hollywood kind of way – before the new 3 day dead look came in – athletic build – wide shoulders – narrow hips – lovely bum – not bronze exactly – his face I mean – dont know about his bum – yet! – but a very even & natural looking light tan! OK – he clearly thinks hes Gods gift – but like the man said – when you got it – baby – flaunt it!

This was Teddy Denham – Sir Edward Denham no less – Lady Ds nephew-in-law – & one of her hopeful heirs! Having heard from Lady D that Tom was back – hed come straight round to say hello – & check on the now famous ankle.

Mary introduced us – & he said Lady D had mentioned me – with a bit of a grin to suggest I might be amused by the terms of the mention – & he shook my hand – with enough warmth to make it personal.

My gaze had been so fixed on him that I hardly noticed his companion – which was OK – as she made it pretty clear she didnt really think me worth noticing either!

This was his sister – Esther – beautifully turned out – beautiful too if shed give her face a chance. Thought she looked a bit familiar at first glance – but her first – & only – glance at me when introduced made me change my mind. Reminded me of dads comment about the vicars wife – like shed bent to sniff a flower & found it were growing in a cow-pat! If anyone had looked at me like that before I think Id have remembered.

She looked like her idea was to say hello-goodbye! – but he said yes hed love a coffee – & sat down beside me – & soon we were chatting away like wed known each other for ever. After ten minutes – Tom turned up. He & Teddy greeted each other like old mates – Esther gave him a condescending cold fish nod – which he took like it was a loving hug! Then Teddy asked after Toms ankle & got the full miracle recovery story.

– of course – declared Tom – I benefitted from instant & expert first aid from our dear friend Charlotte here – (this got me a well arent you the talented one grin from Teddy the bart) – but – Tom went on – I feel I must also give credit for the incredible speed of my recovery to Mr Gordon Godley of Willingdene – (he stressed the long e & smiled at me as if to say he was glad of the error that had led to me being here in Sandytown) – the famous healer whom I hope to entice to join our caring community –

As he spoke – he did a little jig to demonstrate his recovery. Esthers face had screwed up like a pigs bum at the mention of healer – & when she saw the jig I thought she might vomit in disgust. Fortunately for the high polished floorboards her mobile rang at that moment. She looked at the caller display – & her face rearranged itself so quick it might have been computer-enhanced.

– Aunt Daphne! – she trilled – how are you? –

She rose & moved away – not with the usual sorries most of us mutter when the mobile catches us in company – but more like shed have preferred the rest of us to move out of the room & leave her sitting!

But the change of expression revived my first impression – now I was really sure Id seen her before – or her twin! Remember – last December – the skiing in Switzerland near Davos – I gave you a full account about me & louse Liam – unlike the censored stuff youre giving me! Dad did his nut – till I assured him Id be back for Xmas – & it was costing hardly anything – travel by bus – hostel accommodation – bunk beds in dorms – which made him think – wrongly! – naughties would be out of the question. But it was George asking if he could come too that persuaded dad to cough up the readies. The HB thought George would be a chaperone – I thought hed just be a bit of a drag – but we were both wrong! In the end – like I told you – turned out he was getting as much action as I was!

Anyway – our après-ski consisted of a beer-swilling disco in the Bengel-bar – cross between Willingden Village Hall & the Black Hole of Calcutta – where all the impoverished young stuff went – & thats where Id seen the sour-puss look-alike – but not sour-puss – laughing like a drain – as she did high energy dirty dancing with this skinny blond guy – with hair down to his shoulders – & a soup strainer moustache. His name was Emil – second name Geiger-Counter according to George – but that was just his version of something like Kunzli-Geiger. How G knew him – I think they had a pee together – thats how guys bond – its in all the textbooks! – & next day hed met him on the piste & they had a bit of a race – which G lost. G was clearly impressed that a skinny fellow like Emil should be able to beat him at skiing – & – I suspect – tho he didnt spell this out – should have such a big whang! Must ask G when I ring home. She didnt have a name – just an initial – Ess – & one of my mates – watching the way they danced – christened them Ess & Em – which I had to explain to George – who thought it was the funniest wordplay since madam Im Adam – remember? – & rewarded my mate accordingly!

But still couldnt believe dirty dancing Ess & sour-puss Esther could be the same – though I recalled Mary had mentioned Lady D took the young Denhams on a ski holiday last Christmas. Shed stepped into the hallway – but her voice stayed at that upper-class level that assumes that servants – & others of that ilk – like me & the Parkers – are – or better had be – stone deaf. So we heard her quite clearly saying – no – not in the least inconvenient – no – a social call merely – in the circumstances you might call it a sick visit – an irksome duty – but a duty nevertheless – as you of all people will understand – Aunt Daphne. Five minutes – scarcely that –

Tom meanwhile had asked Sir Teddy how work was going – & the bart pulled a face – & said – lets just say I hope Aunt Daph doesnt serve up pork for lunch – again! –

I said – do you have much actual contact with the pigs? –

– indeed – he said ruefully – from first squeak to final freeze-pack – I oversee quality control –

This was nepotism – Yorkshire style! – I thought.

Then Mary said – I wish theyd put someone in charge of odour control too –

Teddy smiled sadly – & said – you should try living out at Denham Park Mary –

From the doorway Esher said – Teddy – we have to go – Aunt Daphne has some family matter shed like to discuss with us –

Very peremptory – sweetness soured – light switched off – normal service resumed.

– whats the panic – Ess – said Teddy – glancing at his flashy Rolex – we arent due there for ninety minutes –

There! Hed called her Ess! Short for Esther – which is one of those names that really need shortening! It had to be her – tho the resemblance had faded as she was now back in sour-puss mode. But if – as I recall G saying – Emil was just a poor student – then that would explain why they were meeting in the Bengel-bar – where there was no chance of running into Lady D or her chums – who were probably drinking over at Klosters – with Big Ears & his tribe of Noddies.

– so why cant she just talk to us over lunch? – Teddy concluded.

– in front of Clara? – said Esther.

She spoke the name like it was a nasty taste.

– Claras family too – said Ted – winning a Heywood Brownie point.

– not our family – & besides the legless wonders going to be there too –

I saw Tom & Mary exchange disapproving glances – but neither spoke.

– is he? Whys that? – asked Teddy frowning.

– he seems to amuse her – & he doesnt eat much – look – Im off – you can follow whenever you find the strength to drag yourself away –

She nodded at the Parkers – didnt even glance at me – & span on her heel – very tall sharp heel it was – she knows how to dress – must run in the family – the bart looked a real dish in his leathers – & I could imagine him peeling them – James Bond-like – to reveal an … … immaculate dj! (Got you going there!)

Disappointingly – despite his protests – Teddy didnt have much trouble dragging himself away – tho he did gabble a rueful apology before heading after the Ice Queen.

As he left – Tom said to me – come on Charley – time to finish our tour –

When Tom decides something – its instant action! – & we were out of the house in time to see Esther climbing behind the wheel of a Range Rover – what else? – pretty ancient – but the landed gentry probably regard new RRs like new Barbours – as evidence of arrivisme. Ted – by contrast – was straddling a new looking Buell Lightning – in midnight black – with the words Sexy Beast scrawled across the tank in silver. Narcissism? I wondered. Or a gift from an admirer …?

As they processed at speed down the drive – I said – thought Mary said they were a bit strapped for cash – no wonder if they spend it on 7k mo-bikes! –

– as much as that? – said Tom – well – he really was lucky then – Ted didnt buy it – won it in a charity lottery – cast your bread upon waters – eh Charlotte? –

Lucky old Ted – I thought. No wonder he thinks the world owes him a living!

Walking down the hill – I wondered – dead casual – if there might not seem to be some conflict between Toms eco-enthusiasm & the bloody great carbon footprints the Denhams – young & old – seemed bent on planting all over the roads of Sandytown.

– just so! – cried Tom – as if delighted by some sharp & helpful apercu – this is how I see things too. Physician – heal thyself – then pass the cure on! To convert is better than to convict – to persuade than to prescribe. We all have our complementary roles – mine I see as a gatherer – bringing together the full spectrum of ability. It did not take long – dear Charlotte – to see how useful a talent like yours – to observe & analyse – would be to our little community –

It dawned on me then that in Toms eyes I was – like Gordon Godley – an opportunity not to be missed. The bugger was trying to recruit me!

But hes such a poppet I could only feel flattered!

As we once more approached Witch Cottage – recalling the small incident yesterday – I asked how Miss Lee – the acupuncturist – got on with Lady Denham. Tom – whos clearly into universal love – said – fine – fine – But hes also into transparent honesty – & he added – there has been a small contretemps – I believe – regarding the terms of Miss Lees tenancy – but Im confident a mutually satisfactory resolution has been reached –

I said – you mean Lady D owns Witch Cottage? –

– indeed – he said – & much more besides – the Breretons were substantial property owners in the town – & Hog Hollis – Lady Ds first – rarely missed an opportunity to invest in bricks & mortar –

Id have liked to hear more – but realized I was only going to get a sanitized version of any unpleasantness from Tom – & made a note to bring the matter up with that young mistress of unsanitized versions – Minnie!