A Cure for All Diseases

Clara smiled up at me – while Esther gave me a twitch of a nod – then – unfreezing her face – turned back to Lady D & said – now auntie – you mustnt lose your thread – not when you were telling me the fascinating story of your plans for the estate –

I was trying to work out how to sit close to Teddy – without drawing too much attention to the contrast between my kitchen table legs – & Claras works of art – when he solved the problem by saying – youve obviously come to swim – ready for a dip now? – come on! –

He grabbed my hand & started leading me down the beach.

I said – what about Clara? – & he said – oh shes all right – needs to stick close in case auntie needs her back scratched – or something fetched from the Hall –

I glanced back – & up. The cliff rose steep & bare for about 80 feet – with a zig-zag path marked by a guard rail – & then for the next 40 or 50 feet the incline became easier – with lots of greenery now – till presumably it flattened into the grounds of the Hall. Quite a trip to send someone to fetch the hankie youd forgotten! Dont expect that would worry Lady D though – & to give her her due – it was quite a climb – up & down – for someone her age. Must be fit as a butchers dog – as the HB likes to say!

I said – must be nice to have your own private beach –

He said – strictly speaking its not aunties at all. Anything between the high tide & low tide marks belongs to the Crown – & the spring tides here reach several feet up the cliff – but it would take a bold trespasser to argue the point! –

I couldnt argue with this. We soon reached the edge of the water – where he paused – staring out to sea – & said something I didnt catch.

– sorry? – I said.

He spoke again – more clearly – but I still couldnt make any sense of it.

Seeing this he smiled – rather patronizingly I thought – & repeated the sounds.

– thalatta thalatta – he declaimed – (thats how its spelt – I checked it out on the Net) – the sea – the sea –

– no argument there – I said – its the sea – sure enough –

– its Greek – he said – tho I hadnt asked – its what the Greek army – in retreat from Marathon – all shouted in releif – when they breasted a hill – & saw the Aegean – which meant they were home – I know how they felt – my own heart always swells when I glimpse our own dear North Sea –

I suppose he was trying to impress me with his classical learning – & his poetic sensibility – but I just felt he was trying a bit too hard – plus when I checked the word on the Internet – I also got the history – & the plonker didnt even have his facts right! Not Marathon – but some place called Cunaxa – & not the Aegean – but the Black Sea!

I said – OK – now weve established what it is – are we going to swim in it? –

He said – of course – & then – youre not going to believe this – he pushed his trunks down – & stepped out of them – so there I was – standing alongside this guy wearing nothing but his big nobbly Rolex – thats his watch I mean! – with his trio of womenfolk not thirty yards away.

I said – for Godsake! –

He said – dont be shocked – I always skinny-dip –

I said – Ive got 4 bros – plus I grew up on a farm – Im not shocked – but what about Lady D – & the others?

He laughed & said – oh theyre used to it – auntie pretends to look the other way – but like many old country ladies she likes her meat well hung – & Ive often caught her taking a peek –

– through powerful binoculars you mean? – I said – sneering – quite unjustly! – hed have made a donkey envious! – then waded out till the water was deep enough to dive into.

He took his watch off – dropped it on his trunks – followed me in – came up alongside me – & stayed there – doing a pretty fair crawl – smiling at me from time to time – as if to say – dont worry – I wont sprint away & leave you – so youre quite safe –

Well – you know me – not the fastest thing on fins – but can keep going forever.

There was a buoy – about 1/4 mile offshore – I fixed my eyes on it – & got into my rhythm. He stuck with me for a while – then dropped behind – & when I reached the buoy it was 3 or 4 minutes before he joined me. He tried a smile – but I could see he was knackered – & I started to feel guilty. Just cos he had a lousy chat-up line didnt mean he deserved to drown! & dragging that thing along beneath him must have been like a plane trying to take off with its flaps down!

We clung on to the buoy for a few minutes – then I said – ready for home?

He nodded – & I set off back – breast stroke this time – a lot slower – & it gave me room to keep an eye on him.

By the time we reached the shallows – he was so whacked – a little wave knocked him over when he tried to stand up.

Big test time now – would he turn nasty – or could he take it?

He collapsed on the sand. Wed come ashore about 30 feet from where wed left our gear.

He gasped – do me a favour – Charley – fetch my trunks will you? – Id like to be buried decent – but not at sea – please! –

So that was OK. Dont mind a prat – so long as he can laugh at himself.

I fetched his watch & his trunks – he made himself decent – then we sat on the sand together – warming ourselves in the sun – till he got his breath back.

I said – do you ski as well as you swim? –

He said – better – youll be glad to hear – but I usually keep my clothes on. Why? –

I said – I was out in Switzerland before Christmas – near Davos – bunch of my mates from uni – thought I saw your sister there – at a dance – but could be wrong. Kind of place us poor students party at – not really her thing – I shouldnt think –

He pulled a face & said – might well have been – Aunt Daph had a rush of blood to the head – took me & Ess on a skiing holiday last Christmas – near Davos –

That was generous of her – I said – where were you staying? – Morasinis? – The Fluela? –

– O no – he laughed – dear aunties not that generous! – we had a chalet – but in fairness it was very comfortably appointed –

– so why would Esther be moving & grooving with the plebs? – I pressed.

– why not? – he said in the casual tone the upper classes use to disguise an evasion. – Could be there was a ski instructor she fancied – holiday romance – no strings – no harm – but wouldnt do for auntie –

I almost asked – whats it to do with her? – but I didnt need to – being such a clever observer of human behaviour! She who pays the piper calls the tune – right? Lady D definitely would not care for the prospect of any of her money – now or later – finding its way into the pocket of a penniless foreigner. So if her beloved neice wanted to stay in her good books & her will – shed better pick her young men v carefully. The HB feels much the same – so the way youre going – Ill probably be getting your share!

I was also recalling that – according to George – Emil was a student – not a ski instructor. Teddy – I thought – either youre lying – or Ess lied to you –

I said – so Esther went slumming with us plebs – & Lady D never found out –

He said – happily auntie had her own affairs to divert her –

The way he stressed affairs got me curious – but our interesting chat must have been observed – for now it was interrupted by a sergeant major bellow – Teddy! – what are you doing down there? – Time for lunch! –

The bart flinched – & made a face – but he still started to get to his feet.

Shes really got him at the end of a leash – I thought as we headed back to the group. Must be hard for both of them – having to be careful who they got the hots for – in case Lady D disapproved. Wonder how shed feel about me?

I was soon to find out!

The women were all on their feet. Clara was gathering up their stuff – bags – towels – Lady Ds folding chair – while Esther gazed out to sea like she was trying to freeze it over. Lady D greeted me with a stern look – then she said – Miss Heywood – if you could lend me your arm – too much sitting makes me stiff –