English Jests and Anecdotes

A gentleman cheapening fish at a stall, and being asked what he thought an unconscionable price, exclaimed – “Do you suppose I pick up my money in the street!” “No, sir,” replied the vender, “but I do.”

THE BLESSINGS OF TRIAL BY JURY

A juryman, not so pliant as many, was repeatedly singular in his opinion, but so determined as always to bring over the other eleven. The judge asked him once how he came to be so fastidious? “My lord,” said he, “no man is more open to conviction than I am; but I have not met the same pliancy in others; for it has generally been my lot to be on a jury with eleven obstinate men.”

LORD SHAFTESBURY

The history of this nobleman, in the Biographia Britannica, is a mere panegyric on him. A bon mot of himself conveys the truest idea of his character. Charles the Second said to him one day, “Shaftesbury, I believe thou art the wickedest fellow in my dominions.” He bowed, and replied, “Of a subject, sir, I believe I am.”

THE BREWER

A brewer was drowned in his own vat. Mr. Jekyll, being informed of the circumstance, said that the verdict of the jury should be – “Found floating on his watery bier!”

JACK TAR AND THE PARSON

An honest tar, just returned from sea, met his old messmate, Bet Blowsy: he was so overjoyed that he determined to commit matrimony; but, at the altar, the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees; on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed – “D – n it, brother, never mind! marry us as far as it will go!”

SHERIDAN

Being asked whether he thought Mr. O’Brien was right in his assertion, that many thousands of the electors of Westminster would vote for the Duke of Northumberland’s porter were he put up, Sheridan coolly replied – “No; my friend O’Brien is wrong; but they might for Mr. Whitbread’s porter!”

SLAVE TRADE

Sir John Doyle being told in the House of Commons by those interested in keeping up the slave trade, that the slaves were happy, he said that it reminded him of a man whom he had once seen in a warren, sewing up the mouth of a ferret: he remonstrated with the man upon the cruelty of the act, but he answered – “Lord, sir, the ferret likes it above all things.”

NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS

A fire happening at a public house, a man, passing at the time, entreated one of the firemen to play the engine upon a particular door, and backed his request by the bribe of a shilling. The fireman consequently complied, upon which the arch rogue exclaimed – “You’ve done what I never could do, for, egad, you’ve liquidated my score!”

BON MOT

A young clergyman, having the misfortune to bury five wives, being in company with a number of ladies, was severely rallied by them upon the circumstance. At last one of them rather impertinently put the question to him, “How he managed to have such good luck?” “Why, madam,” said the other, “I knew they could not live without contradiction, therefore I let them have their own way.”

BRUISING MATCH

A provincial paper, giving an account of a bruising match between two men of the names of Hill and Potter, concluded by saying – “That after sixteen rounds, Hill beat his antagonist hollow.”

SMART RETORT

Lord B – wore his whiskers extremely large. Curran meeting him, “Pray, my lord,” said he, “when do you intend to reduce your whiskers to the peace establishment?” “When you, Mr Curran,” said his lordship, “put your tongue upon the civil list.”

LODGINGS

A young gentleman seeing a bill on a window announcing lodgings to let, knocked at the door of the house, and was conducted by a pretty girl into the apartments that were to be occupied. The gentleman, struck with the charms of his conductress, said, – “Pray, my dear, are you to be let with this lodging?” “No, sir,” answered the nymph; “I am to be let alone.”

THE RISING GENERATION

A methodist parson observed, in one of his discourses, that “such was the change in the public manners of the nation, that the rising generation rarely lie down till three o’clock in the morning.”

THE MISER’S ADVICE

The following advice was left by a miser to his nephew: “Buy your coals in summer; your furniture at auctions, about a fortnight after quarter-day; and your books at the fall of the leaf.”

ADVERTISEMENT

Some years ago, there appeared in the English papers an advertisement, which much resembles our notions of an Irish bull, in these words, which are the title to the advertisement: – “Every man his own washer-woman!”

WELSH TOURIST

A Welsh tourist, among many other judicious observations, remarked that the mad-house of Lanark was in a very crazy state.

THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES

An old offender being asked, whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge? answered, – “I have done still worse – I have suffered myself to be apprehended.”

SELDEN

When the learned John Selden was a member of the Assembly of Divines at Westminster, who were appointed to new-model religion, he delighted to puzzle them by curious quibbles. Once they were gravely engaged in determining the exact distance between Jerusalem and Jericho; and one of them, to prove it could not be great, observed, “that fish were carried from one place to the other.” On which Selden observed, “Perhaps it was salt fish;” which again threw the Assembly into doubt.

TRADE

A gentleman passing Milford churchyard a few days since, observing the sexton digging a grave addressed him with – “Well, how goes trade in your line, friend?” “Very dead, sir!” was the reply.

NAUTICAL SERMON

When Whitfield preached before the seamen at New York he had the following bold apostrophe in his sermon: “Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a smooth sea before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. But what means this sudden louring of the heavens, and that dark cloud arising from beneath the western horizon? Don’t you hear distant thunder? Don’t you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm gathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against the ship! The air is dark! the tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The ship is on her beam ends! What next?” It is said, that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose, with united voices and minds, and exclaimed, “Take to the longboat!” Mr. Whitfield, seizing upon this reply, urged them to take to Jesus Christ as the long boat, with an ingenuity which produced the happiest effects.

SENSIBILITY

A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. “How,” said she, “can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death?” “Why not, madam?” said the butcher; “you wouldn’t eat them alive, would you?”

GRATIFYING REFLECTION

An English baronet, being asked when he should finish his house, ingenuously answered, “Sir, it is a question whether I shall finish my house, or my house finish me.”

ALDERMAN WOOD

A certain alderman, when young, was thought clever at carving figures from wood. He was asked from whence he copied them? “No where,” said the worthy dignitary; “I made ’em all out of my own head.”

“Thus Pallas sprang from brains of Jove.”

MATHEMATICAL WIND

One morning, after a tempestuous night, during which several trees were rooted up, Dr. Vince, at Cambridge, met a friend, who said, “Good morning, doctor; a terrible wind this!” “Yes, sir,” replied the doctor, smiling; “quite a mathematical wind, for I see it has extracted several roots!”

BON MOT OF GEORGE IV

The king, when Prince of Wales, attending Lewes races one day, when a drenching rain kept away the greater part of the expected attendants, on its being observed how few of the nobility had been upon the course, “I beg pardon,” said the prince; “I think I saw a very handsome sprinkling of the nobility.”