English Jests and Anecdotes

FEMALE CONTRIVANCE

Mary Queen of Scots was a long time under the charge of George, Earl of Shrewsbury, who found the duty exceedingly troublesome, and, furthermore, attended with great danger. His wife at length contrived to get him quit of it, by representing to Elizabeth that she suspected a growing attachment between her husband and Mary. Nothing more was required with the maiden queen; Mary was soon ordered another keeper.

THE GAMESTER

There is much philosophy in the following anecdote. At the time when the seconds in a duel used to engage as heartily as the principals, a gentleman, who had had a run of good luck at cards, was asked to act in that capacity to a friend. “I am not,” said he, “the man for your purpose; but go and apply to him from whom I won a thousand guineas last night, and I warrant you he will fight like any devil.”

GIBBON’S PUNCTUALITY

Gibbon the historian was very punctual in his habits, dividing his time after the manner of King Alfred, and never prolonging a particular employment a moment beyond the stated hour of its termination. He once discharged a hairdresser for coming five minutes too late. The next he sent for, to make sure, came five minutes too soon. That was as bad; he was discharged too. A third, by pitching his arrival exactly as the clock struck, was retained.

NE SUTOR

A sculptor hearing a cobbler find fault with the sandal on the foot of one of his statues, thought the man’s objections so reasonable that he altered it, and returned him his thanks. The cobbler, arrogating consequence to himself, began to disapprove of the formation of the knee. “Hold, my friend,” cried the artist, “a cobbler’s criticisms should never go above the sole.”

GEORGE III. AND THE WHIGS

When the Whigs came into power in 1806, they turned out everybody, even Lord Sandwich, the master of the stag-hounds. The king met his lordship soon after. “How do you do?” cried his majesty. “So they have turned you off? it was not my fault, upon my honour, for it was as much as I could do to keep my own place.”

DEFINITIONS

Horne Tooke, in his “Diversions of Purley,” introduces the derivation of King Pipin from the Greek noun osper, as thus, – osper, eper, oper; diaper; napkin, nipkin pipkin, pepin king – King Pipin! And, in another work, we find the etymology of pickled cucumber from King Jeremiah! exempli gratia– King Jeremiah, Jeremiah King; Jerry, king; jerkin, gerkin, pickled cucumber! Also, the name of Mr. Fox, as derived from a rainy day; as thus – Rainy day, rain a little, rain much, rain hard, reynard, fox!

SIGNS AND TOKENS

If you see a man and woman, with little or no occasion, often finding fault and correcting each other in company, you may be sure they are husband and wife. If you see a lady and gentleman in the same coach in profound silence, the one looking out at the window and the other at the opposite side, be assured they mean no harm to each other, but are husband and wife. If you see a lady accidentally let fall a glove or a handkerchief, and a gentleman that is next to her tell her of it, that she may pick it up, set them down for husband and wife. If you see a man and woman walk in the fields at twenty yards distance in a direct line, and a man striding over a style and still going on sans cérémonie, you may swear they are husband and wife. If you see a lady whose beauty attracts the notice of every person present except one man, and he speaks to her in a rough manner, and does not appear at all affected by her charms, depend upon it they are husband and wife.

THE MIRACLE

An old mass priest in the reign of Henry VIII., after the Bible was translated, was reading the miracle of the five loaves and two fishes. When he came to the verse that reckons the number of the guests, he paused a little, and at last said they were about five hundred; the clerk whispered in his ear that it was five thousand. “Hold your tongue, sirrah,” said the priest, “we shall never persuade the people it was five thousand.”

SWEARING AND DRIVING

A bishop being at his seat in the country where the roads were uncommonly bad, went to pay a visit to a person of quality in the neighbourhood, when his coach was overturned in a slough, and the servants were unable to extricate the carriage. As it was far from any house, and the weather bad, the coachman freely told his master he believed they must stay there all night; “For,” said he, “while your Grace is present I cannot make the horses move.” Astonished at this strange reason, his lordship desired him to explain himself. “It is,” said he, “because I dare not swear in your presence; and if I don’t, we shall never get clear.” The bishop, finding nothing could be done if the servant was not humoured, replied, “Well then, swear a little, but not much.” The coachman made use of his permission, and the horses used to such a kind of dialect, soon set the coach at liberty.

WHOLESALE PRACTICE

A physician in a metropolitan hospital, a few years ago, being in haste to leave his public for his private duties, was asked by the house surgeon what he should do with the right and left wards? “O,” exclaimed the other, “what did you do with them yesterday?” “By your directions,” said the surgeon, “I bled all the right ward, and purged all the left.” “Good,” replied the other; “then to-day, purge all the right, and bleed all the left;” and then leapt into his carriage.

DECENCY AND DANGER

A fire happening next door to a gentleman’s house, he was a full half hour before he could prevail on his wife to quit her room, into which she had locked herself. At length she came forth, greatly alarmed, in her shift, her under petticoat, and one long ruffle on her arm. “Bless my soul?” cried her husband, “what a while you have been, and knew the next house to be on fire.” “I can’t help it my dear,” cried she, “if our own house was in flames; I only stopped to make myself decent.”

LADY HARDWICK AND HER BAILIFF

A bailiff, having been ordered by Lady Hardwick to procure a sow of the breed and size she particularly described to him, came one day into the dining-room, when full of great company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he could not suppress, “I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and got a sow exactly of your ladyship’s size.”

PERFECTION

A celebrated preacher having remarked in a sermon that every thing made by God was perfect, “What think you of me?” said a deformed man in a pew beneath, who arose from his seat, and pointed at his own back. “Think of you,” reiterated the preacher; “why, that you are the most perfect hunchback my eyes ever beheld.”

RECOVERY OF A SPENDTHRIFT

A nobleman, whose son was a hard drinker, and had been cutting down all the trees upon his estate, inquired of Charles Townshend, who had just returned from a visit to him, “Well, Charles, how does my graceless dog of a son go on?” “Why, I should think, my lord,” said Charles, “he is on the recovery, as I left him drinking the woods.”

CLERICAL PREFERMENT

Among the daily inquiries after the health of an aged Bishop of Durham, during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the Bishop of – , and the invalid seemed to think that other motives than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One morning he ordered the messenger to be shewn into his room, and thus addressed him: – “Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop, and tell him that I am better – much better; but that the Bishop of Winchester has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, if that will do.”

STATE AFFAIRS

A coach containing four members of parliament was overturned in the Strand. A countryman passing inquired who were the unfortunate persons; and being told, “Oh, let them lie,” cried he, “my father advised me not to meddle with state affairs.”

CHARLES II

The following anecdote, if it have not much of the wit, has at least a good deal of the character, of “the Merry Monarch.” He had a saying that five made the best company. It happened that a recruiting captain was so remarkably unsuccessful as to raise only five persons. When it was proposed that he should be broken for negligence, the king inquired how many he had raised, and being told, “Oddsfish!” cried his majesty, “he shan’t, for five’s the best company in the world.”

FERGUSON THE PLOTTER

When this famous person was taken up for his concern in some of the plots of the reign of Charles II., and brought before Lord Nottingham to be examined, his lordship said, “I intend to be very brief with you, Mr. Ferguson, and only ask one or two questions;” to which the prisoner replied, with his usual acrimony of tone, “And I intend to be as short as your lordship, and not answer one of them.” Whereupon he was committed to Newgate.

DELICACY

A courtier of the time of Charles II. – the greatest of his age – used to pay the following pretty compliment to the scruples which are entertained by ladies on the subject of age; he used to say to his lady every New Year’s Day, “Well, madam, how old will your ladyship please to be this year?”

EXAMPLE

Examples make a greater impression upon us than precepts. An old counsellor in Holborn used to turn out his clerks every execution-day with this compliment, “Go, ye young rogues – to school and improve.”

SIR FRANCIS BACON

When Queen Elizabeth made her famous procession to St. Paul’s to return public thanksgivings for the destruction of the Spanish armada, the citizens were ranged along one side of Fleet Street, and the lawyers on the other. As the Queen passed Temple Bar, Bacon, then a student, said to a lawyer that stood next him, “Do you observe the courtiers; if they bow first to the citizens, they are in debt; if to us, they are in law.”

ACQUIESCENCE

A hasty passionate fellow was supping with a friend who never contradicted him, not wishing to provoke his wrath. Unable to endure this acquiescence, he at last burst out, “Zounds, deny something, that I may know there are two of us.”

TRANSPOSITION OF SYLLABLES

One of our most celebrated poets, occasionally a little absent of mind, was invited by a friend whom he met in the street, to dine with him next Tuesday at a country lodging he had taken for the summer months. The address was, “Near the Green Man at Dulwich,” which, not to put his inviter to the trouble of pencilling down, our bard promised faithfully to remember. But when Tuesday came, he, fully late enough, made his way to Greenwich, and began inquiring for the sign of the Dull Man! No such sign was to be found; and, after losing an hour, a person guessed that though there was no Dull Man at Greenwich, there was a Green Man at Dulwich, which the gentleman might possibly mean! This remark connected the broken chain, and our poet took his chop by himself.

QUIN

Quin used to complain much of the system of giving vails to servants, which, to a man of his uncertain resources, was a very severe tax. Having been invited to the house of a gentleman who had the reputation of giving good dinners, he found himself entertained in a style much below his expectations; wherefore, on leaving the house, and finding the servants all as usual ranked up in the hall, he inquired for the cook and the butler. These officials speedily presented themselves, when he said to the first, “There’s half-a-crown for my eating,” and to the other, “There’s five shillings for my drinking; but really, gentlemen, I never made so bad a dinner at the money in my life before.”

A gentleman at whose house Quin had often experienced the same annoyance, one day gave him a pressing invitation; but Quin would not promise to come unless the servants were taught to expect no vails. He paid dearly for this limitation; for, on going to pay his visit, he had a dirty plate given him for a clean one, bread for beer, and frequently neither one nor other, after repeated applications. When dinner was finished, he addressed himself to the company, pushing round a plate with a half crown on it; “Gentlemen,” said he, “I think we had better pay for our dinner now, before we begin upon the wine; for I have a notion they imagine we intend to bilk them to-day.”

JAMES II