English Jests and Anecdotes

Dr. Wing, being asked where a young lady’s waist began, replied, “At the altar. The moment they have you trapped, they come down upon your pocket-book like a hawk upon a May bug. After they are married they are all waste.” What a libellous fellow!

LORD CHANCELLOR THURLOW

When Lord Thurlow was at the bar, his clerk was one day reading to him a legal instrument, and when he came to the part, “I do devise all that farm to,” &c., &c., he was seized with so very violent a fit of coughing that he could not proceed, on which the testy lawyer exclaimed, “Read on, with a curse to you – your heirs and their heirs for ever.”

Mr. Tierney once observed of this noble and learned lord, who was much given to swearing and parsimony, that he was a rigid disciplinarian in his religion, for that in his house it was passion week in the parlour, and lent in the kitchen, all the year round.

HIGH BOOTS

A gentleman complaining to his bootmaker that a pair of boots recently sent were too short, and that he wanted a pair to cover the whole calf, had the following jeu d’esprit sent to him: —

These boots were never made for me,
They are too short by half;
I want them long enough, d’ye see,
To cover all the calf.
Why, sir, said Last, with stifled smile,
To alter them I’ll try;
But if they cover all the calf,
They must be five feet high.

PLAGIARISM

A celebrated divine, who had prided himself upon his originality, and who would reject his best thought if he imagined it was traceable to any previous author, was startled one day by a friend coolly telling him that every word of his favourite discourse was stolen from a book he had at home. The astonished writer, staggered by his friend’s earnestness, begged for a sight of this volume. He was, however, released from his misery by the other smilingly announcing the work in question to be “Johnson’s Dictionary,” where, continued his tormentor, “I undertake to find every word of your discourse.”

HE PREFERRED RAIN

After listening to Bushfield Ferrand’s fervid appeal at New Malton, a shrewd Yorkshire farmer was asked what he thought of the speech? His reply was, simply, “Why, I don’t know, but I think six hours’ rain would ha’ done us a deal more good!”

THE RAKE’S PROGRESS

A captain of a vessel loading coal, went into a merchant’s counting-house, and requested the loan of a rake. The merchant, looking towards his clerks, replied – “I have a number of them, but none, I believe, wish to be hauled over the coals.”

BATTLE OF CAMPERDOWN

The Delft, one of the Dutch ships taken at the battle of Camperdown, was in so shattered a state that, after the greatest exertions for five days to keep her from sinking, all hopes of saving her was given up. The English prize-officer called aside Mr. Hieberg, who had been first lieutenant of the Delft, and who remained on board along with a number of the sick and wounded prisoners, who were not in a condition to be removed, and represented that it was impossible to save all; that he intended at a certain signal to throw himself, with his men, into the long-boat, and he invited Hieberg to avail himself of the opportunity to effect his escape. “What!” exclaimed Hieberg, “and leave these unfortunate men?” (pointing to his wounded countrymen, whom it had been necessary to bring on deck, as the hold was already full of water). “No, no; go, and leave us to perish together.” The English officer, affected by the generosity of Hieberg’s answer, replied, “God bless you, my brave fellow: here is my hand; I give you my word I will stay with you.” He then caused his own men to leave the ship, and remained himself behind to assist the Dutch. The Russel soon sent her boats to their succour, which brought off as many as could leap on board them. The boats lost no time in making a second voyage, with equal success. The Delft was now cleared of all but Hieberg and the English officer, with three Dutch subaltern officers, and about thirty seamen, most of them so ill from their wounds as to be unable to move. While still cherishing the hope that the boats would come a third time to their assistance, the fatal moment arrived, and on a sudden the Delft went down. The English officer sprang into the sea and swam to his own ship; but the unfortunate Hieberg perished, the victim of his courage and humanity.

A CANDID THIEF

During the late session at N – , a man was brought up by a farmer, and accused of stealing some ducks. The farmer said he should know them anywhere, and went on to describe their peculiarity. “Why,” said the counsel for the prisoner, “they can’t be such a very rare breed – I have some like them in my yard.” “That’s very likely, sir,” said the farmer: “these are not the only ducks of the sort I have had stolen lately.”

ONE-EYED WIT

A man with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. “You have lost,” says the first; “I can see the two eyes in your face, and you can see only one in mine.”

WORTH TEN OF IT

An old clergyman was in the habit, as soon as he got into the pulpit, of placing his sermon in a crevice under the cushion, where he left it during the singing of the accustomed psalm. One Sunday he pushed the sermon-book too for into the crevice, and lost it. When the psalm was concluded, he called the clerk to bring him a Bible. The clerk, somewhat astonished at this unusual request, brought him a Bible as he was desired. The clergyman opened it, and thus addressed his congregation – “My brethren, I have LOST MY SERMON; but I will read you a chapter in Job WORTH TEN OF IT.”

PAINTING IN BUTTER

In a club the other day, sat two gentlemen, one of whom has attained fame upon canvas, the other upon paper. He of the pencil was remarkably complimentary to him of the pen – so much so indeed, that the latter at length, with a good-natured laugh exclaimed, “Why, my good fellow, you really show the versatility of your genius in the most striking light: you prove that you can paint not only in oil, but – in butter!”

A WITTY AUCTIONEER

An auctioneer replied to a person who was importuning him for the remaining change of a pound note, “You must wait with patience till your change come.”

The auctioneer now mentioned, who is remarkable for the boldness of his wit, said to a young jackanapes who was pestering him during the sale, “that he had read of one ass only that spoke, but he now heard another.”

THUNDER

An itinerant lecturer on Natural Philosophy, and who for some time delivered his prelections in this city, when describing the nature of thunder and the striking phenomena which attend it, gave vent to his alarmed feelings in the following words, “And the repercussant intumescences augment the awful roar.”

MR. SERJEANT BETTESWORTH

The following lines on Serjeant Bettesworth, which Swift inserted in one of his poems, gave rise to a violent resentment on the part of the barrister: —

“So at the bar the booby Bettesworth,
Though half-a-crown o’erpays his sweat’s worth,
Who knows in law nor text nor margent,
Calls Singleton his brother serjeant.”

The poem was sent to Bettesworth at a time when he was surrounded with his friends in a convivial party. He read it aloud till he had finished the lines relative to himself. He then flung it down with great violence – trembled and turned pale – and, after some pause, his rage for a while depriving him of utterance, he took out his penknife, and opening it, vehemently swore, “With this very penknife will I cut off his ears.” He then went to the dean’s house, and not finding him at home, followed him to the house of a friend, where being shewn into a back room, he desired the doctor might be sent for; and on Swift entering the room and asking what were his commands, “Sir,” said he, “I am Serjeant Bettesworth.” – “Of what regiment, pray, sir?” said Swift. “O, Mr. Dean, we know your powers of raillery – you know me well enough; I am one of his majesty’s serjeants at-law, and I am come to demand if you are author of this poem (producing it), and these villanous lines on me?” – “Sir,” said Swift, “when I was a young man, I had the honour of being intimate with some great legal characters, particularly Lord Somers, who, knowing my propensity to satire, advised me when I lampooned a knave or a fool never to own it. Conformably to that advice, I tell you that I am not the author.”

A GOLD FINCH

The following paragraph appeared in the newspapers lately: – “A young lady, who has £60,000, has lately paired off from Bath with a Mr. Finch, a young Hibernian, for Gretna Green, where she will make him a Gold Finch.”

A SMART ANSWER

A late professor taking a country walk, met one of those beings usually called fools. “Pray,” says the professor, accosting him, “how long can a person live without brains?” “I dunno,” replied the fellow, scratching his head; “pray, how long have you lived yourself, sir?”

POT-LUCK

An old and rich gentleman married a young lady of good connections and of fashionable manners. His wife’s levee was always attended by a number of young sparks. The old gentleman, however, steered so clear of all jealousy, and kept himself so easy about family affairs, that he used to go to bed and there wait for his wife, who often protracted her amusements until morning, and came home always escorted by young men. One evening, inspired by Bacchus no doubt, they became very unruly in the old gentleman’s house, so that in order to silence them, he was obliged to empty it upon their heads. This expedient had the most desirable effect, for they almost immediately retreated. Fearing, however, that he had proceeded too far, he told a barrister the whole case the next day, and regretted he was not gifted with greater command of temper. “Why are you sorry?” said the other: “you used the company very genteelly; for they came uninvited, and you gave them pot-luck.”

A POLITE CHAIRMAN

One slippery day a gentleman, as he walked along the streets, suddenly lost the use of his legs and fell. A chairman who stood near him, with the greatest politeness bade the gentleman “come to him and he would lift him up.”

I DON’T DRINK MILK

A gentleman, a professed wit, was invited to tea; an opportunity of displaying his powers before the ladies soon occurred. The lady of the house that evening had milk for tea instead of cream. When the wit was asked if he drank cream, “Yes, ma’am,” says he, “but I don’t drink milk.” The old gentleman was so offended at this unreasonable reply, that he ordered the fellow to walk down stairs, and receive the cream of his jest.

LOST MONEY

“What is that you have found?” said Dr. – to a little boy going along the streets. “A sixpence, sir,” answered the boy. “Let me see it?” said the doctor: “Now my dear, be sure to tell the person who has lost it (putting it in his pocket) that he will get it again, if he calls at my house, St. – Square.”

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