English Jests and Anecdotes

James II. having appointed a nobleman to be lord-treasurer when the exchequer was in a very exhausted state, he complained to the king of the irksomeness of the office, as the treasury was so empty. “Be of good cheer, my lord,” replied his majesty, “for you will now see the bottom of your business at once.”

REPROOF

A certain clergyman, who was more busied in the pleasures of the chase than in superintending the souls of his flock, one day, meeting with little sport, proposed to entertain his companions at the expense of an inoffensive quaker, whom he had very often ridiculed, and who was then approaching them. He rode up to him briskly, saying, “Obadiah, have you seen the hare?” “Why, hast thou lost him, neighbour?” said the quaker. “Lost him! yes, indeed.” “Then,” replied he, “if I were the hare I would run where I am sure thou could’st never find me.” “Where the devil is that?” asked the blustering son of Nimrod. “Why, neighbour,” answered the other, “I would run into thy study!”

AMENDMENT

An Earl Marshal was found fault with by his sovereign for some misarrangements at a coronation. “Please your Majesty,” said he, “I hope to do better next time.”

LORD CHESTERFIELD

Lord Chesterfield chanced one day to be at the Duke of Newcastle’s levee, when Garnet upon Job, a book dedicated to that nobleman, happened to lie in the window. Before his Grace made his appearance, his Lordship had time enough to amuse himself with the book; and when the Duke entered, he found him reading in it. “Well, my Lord,” said his Grace, “what is your opinion of that book?” “In any other place I should not think much of it,” replied his Lordship; “but being in your Grace’s levee, I think it one of the best books in the world.”

A lady of fashion, very young, very giddy, and just married, walking with Lord Chesterfield, asked his Lordship if she did not look very young? “Indeed, my lady,” said he, “you look as if you were just come from boarding-school, and fit to return again.”

As Lord L – was one day lamenting to his Lordship the misconduct of his son, the latter advised a place at court as one method which, perhaps, might cause an amendment. The father replied he was not steady enough. “Yes, yes,” said his Lordship, “he is steady enough to be Master of the Revels.”

EFFECT OF POETRY

James I. first coined his twenty-two shilling pieces, called Jacobuses, with his head crowned. He afterwards coined his twenty shilling pieces, where he wore the laurel instead of the crown. Ben Jonson observed on this that “Poets always came to poverty; King James no sooner began to wear bays, than he fell two shillings in the pound.”

GEORGE III

Mr. West, the painter, told his Majesty one day that he had been employed by one of his principal ministers for what is called in the language of the profession a head. He had waited on him that morning, and had found him so dejected and with so long a face, on account of some bad news, that he could not begin. “Sir,” says his Majesty, “if that noble lord’s head cannot keep up countenance, it is time to employ another hand than yours to take it off.”

A SEASONABLE HINT

Dean Cowper, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, he remarked that the poor fellow could see no more than “that bottle.” “I do not wonder at it at all, sir,” replied Mr. Drake, a minor canon, “for we have seen no more than ‘that bottle’ all the afternoon.”

WHO WOULD GROAN AND SWEAT?

When Foote was in Paris, in the course of an evening’s conversation with some English gentlemen, the subject turned on Mr. Garrick’s acting, when some of the company expressed their fears of that great performer’s relinquishing the stage. “Make yourselves easy on that head,” replied the wit, “for he’d play Richard before a kitchen fire in the dog-days, provided he was sure of getting a sop in the pan.”

POSTHUMOUS TRAVELS

Professor Porson being once at a dinner party where the conversation turned upon Captain Cook and his celebrated voyages round the world; an ignorant person, in order to contribute his mite towards the social intercourse, asked him, “Pray, was Cook killed on his first voyage?” “I believe he was,” answered Porson, “though he did not mind it much, but immediately entered on the second.”

HOSPITALITY

There is a delightful smack of old England in the following anecdote. The famous Tom Thynne, who was remarkable for his good house-keeping and hospitality, standing one day at his gate in the country, a beggar coming up to him, begged his worship would give him a mug of his small beer. “Why, how now,” said he, “what times are these, when beggars must be choosers! I say, bring this fellow a mug of strong beer.”

NEW OPPOSITION

At the time when the lower house were in conversation about the propositions which Lord North intended to lay before them with respect to Ireland, and were calling upon him to give them some hint of what they were; the celebrated Mr. Fox observed that the house might be assured they would be exactly contrary to his former measures; “for the noble lord was convinced in all cases, that the only chance he had of being right was by acting in opposition to himself.”

VERSES ON A SCOLD

Mr. Thomas Fuller, a man admired for his wit, but whose great fault was that he would rather lose his friend than his jest, having made some verses upon a scolding wife, Dr. Cousin, his patron and benefactor, hearing them repeated, desired Mr. Fuller to oblige him with a copy of them; to whom he very imprudently, though wittily replied, “’Tis needless to give you a copy, doctor, for you have the original.”

NO ALTERNATIVE

A porter passing near Temple Bar with a load on his shoulders, having unintentionally jostled a man who was going that way, the fellow gave the porter a violent box on the ear, upon which a gentleman passing exclaimed, “Why, my friend, will you take that?” “Take it,” replied the porter, rubbing his cheek, “don’t you see he has given it me.”

POINT DE TOUT LACE

A lady raised from an obscure rank by a noble marriage, happened to be at court when the Spanish ambassador made his appearance with very great splendour. Among other things which drew attention, the richness of the laces were particularly noticed. On the return of this new-made lady of quality to her lord’s house, she met the celebrated Lord Chesterfield, to whom she related the splendour of the foreign minister, and dwelt particularly on the richness of the laces. “Pray, my lady,” said his lordship, “what kind of lace was it?” “Really, my lord, I forget the name, but I should know it if you mentioned it.” “Was it then point d’Espagnes?” “No, it was not that.” “Was it point de Brusselles?” “No, no; not that.” “Oh,” said the witty Earl, “I know now what it was, it was point de tout.” “You are very right,” replied the lady, “that was the name of the lace.”

MILTON

When Milton was blind, he married a shrew. The Duke of Buckingham called her a rose. “I am no judge of colours,” replied Milton, “and it may be so, for I feel the thorns daily.”

ANOTHER VERSION

Milton’s third wife was the daughter of Mr. Minshull of Namptwich, in Cheshire. She had an unhappy temper, but so fine a complexion that a French gentleman who once paid him a visit said, “Monsieur Milton, your lady is like the rose.” “It may be so,” replied the poet with a sigh, “but I am so unhappy as to be blind, and, alas! I have never found anything but the thorns.”

A LAWYER’S LAST STAGE

A Cornish clergyman having a dispute concerning several shares in different mines, found it necessary to send for a London limb of the law to have some conversation with the witnesses, examine the title-deeds, view the premises, &c. The divine very soon found that his legal assistant was as great a scoundrel as ever was struck off the rolls. However, as he thought his knowledge might be useful, he shewed him his papers, took him to compare his surveyor’s drawings, with the situation of the pits, &c. When, in one of these excursions, the professional gentleman was descending a deep shaft by means of a rope which he held tight in his hand, he called out to the parson who stood at the top, “Doctor, as you have not confined your studies to geography, but know all things from the surface to the centre, pray how far is it from this pit to that in the infernal regions?” “I cannot exactly ascertain the distance,” replied the divine, “but let go your hold and you’ll be there in a minute.”

NEWSPAPER OBITUARIES

It was once stated in a newspaper that a person was killed by accident, and that his wife was so much affected by the incident as to leave it doubtful whether she would survive him. A gentleman, to whom this blunder was shewn, observed that all the absurdly penned notices of deaths in the newspapers arose from people writing their own obituaries.

A STRIKING LIKENESS

Lord Chesterfield having been long very earnestly solicited for his interest in favour of a clergyman who wanted preferment, at length presented his suitor with an engraved portrait of his head. The parson thanked him, and after some time had elapsed, told him that though he did not as formerly attend his levee every day, he regularly paid his court to his portrait. “And pray,” said the sarcastic peer, “have you got any thing of it?” “No, my Lord,” replied he, “it has too strong a resemblance to the original for that.”

A PUSH AT A PRIME MINISTER

The Duke of Newcastle, when prime minister, once told the author of Tristram Shandy, that men of wit were not fit to be employed, being incapable of business. “They are not incapable of business, my Lord, but above it,” replied Sterne; “a sprightly generous horse is able to carry a pack-saddle as well as an ass, but he is too good to be put to the drudgery.”

FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS

“I really can’t sing, believe me, sir,” was the reply of a young lady to the repeated requests of an empty fop. “I am rather inclined to believe, madam,” rejoined he, with a smirk, “that you are fishing for compliments.” “No, sir,” exclaimed the lady, “I never fish in so shallow a stream.”

GENEROSITY

An old farmer, on paying his rent, told his landlord he wanted some timber to build a house, and would be much obliged to him if he would give him permission to cut down what would answer the purpose. The landlord answered peremptorily, “No.” “Why, then, sir, will you give me enough to build a barn?” “No.” “To make a gate then?” “Yes.” “That is all I wanted,” said the farmer, “and more than I expected.”

SCEPTICISM

A person speaking of the tenacity of life in turtles, asserted that he had seen one which had its head cut off, open its jaws six weeks afterwards. The company seeming rather sceptical, he said, “I saw it, and I trust none of you will doubt my word.” Then turning to one gentleman he asked what he thought. The other asked him – “Sir, if you had not seen the circumstance yourself, could you have believed it?” “Indeed,” said he, “I could not.” “Then I hope you will excuse me if I do not believe it.”

KEEPING THE COMMANDMENTS

A gentleman shewing his friend a collection of curious pictures in his gallery, on the other praising them all very much, he gave him a choice of any one of them as a present. The stranger fixed on a tablet in which the ten commandments were written in letters of gold. “You must excuse me there,” replied the gentleman, “those I am bound to keep.”

HALF A KINDNESS