English Jests and Anecdotes

A TUTOR AND HIS SCHOLAR

A young lad of a college in Oxford, when he should have been in the public hall at disputations, a little before the time fell asleep, and by that means failed of coming down. His tutor, being then moderator, missed him, and after exercise was done went up to his study, where, finding him asleep, he waked him, chid him for sleeping at that time of day, and angrily asked him why he was not at disputations. The youth, after a little yawning and stretching, replied, “Truly, sir, I did not dream of it.”

PETER MARTYR

One Peter Martyr, a great scholar, and very famous in his time, had been a long time suitor for a bishopric, but was still crossed in his suit. At last four friars-confessors were preferred together to four vacant Sees, and he not remembered, which he hearing of, said, “Methinks amongst so many confessors one Martyr would not have done amiss.”

A YOUNG MASTER OF ARTS

A young master of arts, the very next day after the commencement, having his course to a common place in the chapel, where were divers that but the day before had taken their degree, chose his text out of the eighth chapter of Job. The words were these: “We are but of yesterday, and know nothing.” “This text,” said he, “doth fitly divide itself into two branches – our standing and our understanding – our standing in these words, ‘We are but of yesterday;’ our understanding, ‘We know nothing.’”

A TRAVELLER DROWNED

When a gentleman heard that a traveller, a friend of his, was drowned, he fetched a great sigh and said, “Now God rest his soul, for he is gone the way of all flesh.” “Nay,” said another, then standing by, “if he be drowned, he is rather gone the way of all fish.”

A MONUMENT TO CRANMER

The High Church at Oxford, having acquired a very large amount of subscribed money to erect a temple or monument in honour of Archbishop Cranmer, was desirous to find a site on the very spot where he was buried. In their search they not only concluded that the spot had been found but also his bones. To make quite certain these were sent for examination to Professor Buckland, who, having examined them, pronounced them to be the bones of a cow.

TALLEYRAND

The wife of an ambassador, in passing before Talleyrand through an ante-room to dinner, the latter looking up, exclaimed significantly, “Ah!” The lady, speaking across the table during dinner, asked him why he said “Oh!” Talleyrand, with a grave, self-vindicatory look, answered, “Madame, je n’ai pas dit oh! j’ai dit Ah!”

DENTISTRY IN INDIA

An English dentist practising in India got a commission to make a set of teeth for the King of Delhi. The prime difficulty was how to obtain the model, as the hand of a Christian in the royal mouth would be counted an abomination. It was at last decided that if his hands were washed in the Ganges contact might be permitted. The teeth suited admirably. One of the courtiers declared they would be good for nothing, and the king, to test them, desired him to put his finger in his mouth and try. The king made a snap and nearly bit the finger in two. Unhappily, the teeth suited so well that the king’s appetite, being enormous, brought on a plethora, which nearly killed him, and the teeth were consigned to the Ganges.

LONDON HOSPITALITY TO MEN OF GENIUS

Sydney Smith was accustomed to entertain his friends with a description of the dining process by which Londoners extracted all they wanted from new literary lions. “Here’s a new man of genius arrived; put on the stew pan; fry away; we’ll soon get out of him all we want.”

SELLING A HORSE

A horse dealer had a horse for sale. The intending purchaser, intending to use him as a hunter, was desirous of knowing his leaping qualities, and enquired, “Would he take timber?” “He’d jump over your head,” answers the other; “I don’t know what you call that.”

THE PARALLEL OF THE ODYSSEY AND THE RED INDIAN

Homer relates how in spite of all the precautions of Ulysses, his companions let loose the Bag of the Winds, and he, calmly wrapping his mantle round his head, submits to his fate. The passage is thus translated —

“I then awaking, in my noble mind
Stood doubting, whether from my vessel’s side
Immersed to perish in the flood, or calm
To endure my sorrows and consent to live.
I calm endured them; but around my head
Winding my mantle, laid me down below.”

An Indian chief was lying asleep in his boat, which was fastened to the shore, in the still water above the current of the Niagara Falls. An enemy passing along cut the rope and sent the boat adrift, which was soon hurrying down the cataract. The Indian, awaking, at once saw his danger, and made every effort by means of his paddle to stop the career of the canoe and gain the land. He soon found that his efforts were unavailing, and that his destruction was at hand. He took a draught from his brandy flask, wrapped his mantle about him, and calmly looking forward at the fate awaiting him, went down the Falls.

THE LONDON BIBLIOPOLIST

An author was entertaining Theodore Hook with a description of a dinner party at which a well known bibliopolist had partaken too freely, when the wit remarked, “Why, you appear to me to have emptied your wine-cellar into your book-seller.”

AN ENTOMOLOGIST’S DINNER

Sydney Smith, on the occasion of his being invited by his publisher to meet at dinner several distinguished entomologists, suggested as a bill of fare proper for the occasion, “To wit, flea patés, earthworms on toast, caterpillars crawling in cream and removing themselves,” &c., &c.

LORD CHANCELLOR ERSKINE

This great orator and profound lawyer, among his many qualifications, was signally deficient in his knowledge of the French language. Being in Paris, he was desirous of having several of his friends to dinner, and insisted on writing the notes of invitation himself. On Wednesday, the day appointed, none of his friends appeared, and he was in great perplexity. On inquiry being made if he was certain that his notes were all right, after a short pause, he asked, “Isn’t Vendredi French for Wednesday?”

ROBERT BURNS

On one occasion at a public dinner, during the feverish times of Jacobinism, the poet was asked for a toast. In response, he gave a Bible toast, “the last verse of the last chapter of the last Book of Kings.” On another occasion, before some high Tories, having to give a toast, he said to the chairman, “You agree that Lords should have their privileges?” “Yes, certainly,” was the reply. “Well, then, I’ll give you the privileges of the Lords of the Creation.”

RICHELIEU’S LIBERALITY

Fenelon frequently teased Richelieu for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, but quite ineffectually. Telling Richelieu that he had just seen his picture, the latter with a sneer asked “Did you ask it for a subscription?” “No,” answered Fenelon, “I saw there was no chance, it was so like you.”

BISHOP HORSLEY

In a speech in the House of Lords on the Slave Trade, the worthy Bishop made a quotation on the authority of Mungo Park to the effect “That to such a pitch of elegance and refinement has Africa advanced, that in the bosom, in the very heart of that calumniated country, there are women to be found wearing white petticoats.”

SHABBY DINNERS

A shabby Amphytrion asked repeatedly a neighbour of his to dine with him. After many refusals he at length accepted an invitation, but found the dinner so meagre and bad that he got scarcely a morsel to eat. When the dishes were removed the host said, “Now the ice is broken, I suppose you will ask me to dine with you some day.” “Most willingly.” “Name your day, then.” “To-day,” answered the dinnerless guest.

It is told of another, remarkable for absence of mind, that dining at the same sort of shabby repast he fancied himself in his own house, and began to apologise for the wretchedness of the dinner.

IN THE WRONG PLACE

A young fellow having found his way to a ball-room at Chelsea, was asked by one of the stewards, “What are you?” (meaning to enquire what o’clock it was). Awaking to a lively consciousness of the intrusion of which he had been guilty, he stammered out, “Why, sir, I confess I am a baker, but if you will have the goodness to say no more about it I will instantly leave the room.”

THE RETORT COURTEOUS

A lady from Vienna was very pronounced in expressing her opinion that “French was spoken wretchedly in London.” Lord Dudley, somewhat stung by the remark, replied, “It is true, madam, we have not enjoyed the advantage of having had the French twice in our capital.”

CHARLES LAMB

Lamb had for his next neighbour, at dinner, a chattering woman. Observing that he didn’t attend to what she was saying, she remarked, “You don’t seem to be at all the better for what I have been saying to you.” “No, madam,” he answered, “but this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at one ear and went out at the other.”

BANNISTER AT SIXTY-FIVE

Bannister was somewhat sad in finding he had reached his sixty-fifth year, which was exactly the number of his house. Returning home in a melancholy humour, and looking up at the number plate on the door, soliloquised thus: “Aye, you needn’t tell me, I know it; you told me the same thing yesterday.”

THE BRABANTER AND THE SWISS

A Brabanter, in conversation with a Swiss, charged the latter with always being ready to fight for money, while he (the Brabanter) fought for honour. In reply, the Swiss drily said, “The truth is, we each of us fight for what each most wants.”