English Jests and Anecdotes

Elwes had two country seats, the one in Suffolk, and the other in Berkshire; of these he gave the preference to the former, because his journey from town thither cost him only twopence-halfpenny; that into Berkshire amounted to fourpence. At this time he was worth eight hundred thousand pounds.

CAUSE AND EFFECT

Two gentleman happening to meet, the one observed, “So our friend – , the attorney, is dead.” “Yes, and I hear he left very few effects.” “It could not be otherwise: he had very few causes.”

NOT A BAD HIT

A gentleman expatiated on the justice and propriety of an hereditary nobility. “Is it not right,” said he, “in order to hand down to posterity the virtues of those men who have been eminent for their services to the country, that their posterity should enjoy the honours conferred on them as a reward for such services?” “By the same rule,” said a lady, “if a man is hanged for his misdeeds, all his posterity should be hanged too.”

CUTTING BOTH WAYS

Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual warmth said, “I’ll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable.” Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, “Do take it, then, my lord duke, for it must be of service the one way or the other.”

DUKE OF NEWCASTLE

A poor fellow having with difficulty procured an audience of the premier Duke of Newcastle, told his grace he came only to solicit him for somewhat towards a support, and as they were of the same family, being both descended from Adam, hoped he should not be refused. “Surely not,” said the duke; “surely not; there’s a penny for you; and if all the rest of your relations will give you as much, you’ll be a richer man than I am.”

A DISCONSOLATE HOUSE

A man being asked by his neighbour, how his wife did? made this answer: “Indeed, neighbour, the case is pitiful; my wife fears she shall die, and I fear she will not die, which makes a most disconsolate house.”

EXPOSITION OF SCRIPTURE

A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by “He was clothed with curses as with a garment.” “My good friend,” said the minister, “it means that he had got a habit of swearing.”

NEW OPPOSITIONIST

A dog having one day got into the House of Commons, by his barking interrupted Lord North, who happened to be opening one of his budgets. His lordship pleasantly inquired by what new oppositionist he was attacked? A wag replied, “It was a member for Bark-shire.”

FOX AND SHERIDAN

Sheridan was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, desirous of shewing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, and exhibited its beauties. “There, Mr. Sheridan,” said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, without being clever in one, “I built and painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes.” “Did you,” said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; “well, I should not, I am sure, have known you were a Fox by your brush.”

NERVES

A dowager Duchess of Bedford, in her eighty-fifth year, was living at Buxton, at a time when it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into “a shock of the nervous system.” Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the room, what brought them there? and being generally answered, “for a nervous complaint,” was asked in her turn, what brought her to Buxton! “I came only for pleasure,” answered the hale old lady, “for, thank God, I was born before nerves came into fashion.”

SUBSTANCE AND SHADOW

A fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a long face, that he had seen a ghost. “When and where?” said the pastor. “Last night,” replied the man, “I was passing by the church, and up against the wall of it did I behold the spectre.” “In what shape did it appear?” replied the priest. “It appeared in the shape of a great ass.” “Go home, and hold your tongue about it,” rejoined the pastor, “you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow.”

PROFESSIONAL ENTHUSIASM

Brindley, an engineer, carried his attachment to artificial navigations so far, that when examined before the House of Commons he spoke of rivers with most sovereign contempt. One of the members asked him for what purpose he apprehended rivers to have been created? To this, after a moment’s pause, he replied, “To feed navigable canals.”

SYCOPHANCY CARICATURED

At a time when Queen Elizabeth was making one of her progresses through the kingdom, a mayor of Coventry, attended by a large cavalcade, went out to meet her Majesty and usher her into the city with due formality. On their return, the weather being very hot, as they passed through a wide brook, Mr. Mayor’s horse several times attempted to drink, and each time his worship checked him, which her Majesty observing called out to him, “Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor! let your horse drink, Mr. Mayor;” but the magistrate, veiling his bonnet, and bowing very low, modestly answered, “Nay, nay, may it please your Majesty’s horse to drink first!”

A LACONIC LETTER FROM A CLERGYMAN TO HIS CURATE

“I do not like your terms; my wife is very ill; and please God she but die, I’ll do the duty myself.”

A NEW TRANSLATION

A country squire asked his son, who had been at a Latin school, what was the meaning of the words nemini secundus? “Why, father,” said he, “that is a man who was never second to anyone in a duel.”

A TRAVELLER’S BULL

A modern traveller, in a late publication, states that the women of Sunda, near Fez, are the best horsemen in the world.

THE BLIND AND THE BLIND

A gentleman disputing about religion in Button’s coffee-house, some of the company said, “You talk of religion, I’ll hold you five guineas you can’t repeat the Lord’s Prayer; Sir Richard Steel here shall hold the stakes.” The money being deposited, the gentleman began, “I believe in God,” and so went through his Creed, “Well!” said the other, “I own I have lost; but did not think you could have done it.”

SYMPATHY

The late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; the next moment a young curate called out, “Lie still, your grace!” leapt over him, and pursued his sport. Such an apparent want of feeling, we might presume, was properly resented – not so. On being assisted to remount, the duke said “That young man shall have the first good living that falls to my disposal; had he stopped to have taken care of me I never would have patronised him.” Being delighted with an ardour similar to his own, or with a spirit that would not stoop to flatter.

BEN JOHNSON

Lord Craven, in King James the First’s reign, was very desirous to see Ben Johnson; which being told to Ben, he went to my Lord’s house; but being in a very shabby condition, the porter refused him admittance, with some saucy language, which the other did not fail to return. My Lord, happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the occasion for it. Ben, who stood in need of no one to speak for him, said, “He understood that his lordship desired to see him.” “You, friend!” said my lord, “who are you?” “Ben Johnson,” replied the other, “No, no,” quoth his lordship, “you cannot be Ben Johnson who wrote the Silent Woman; you look as if you could not say Boo to a goose.” “Boo!” cried Ben. “Very well,” said my lord, who was more pleased at the joke than offended at the affront; “I am now convinced you are Ben Johnson.”

MRS. MONTAGUE AND CHARLES FOX

Mrs. Montague was one day conversing with Mr. Fox in her own house. In the course of the conversation the lady grew warm; at last she was so much nettled by some remark of Mr. Fox’s, that she declared to him she did not care three skips of a louse for him. Mr. Fox turned aside, and in a few moments produced the following impromptu:

“Says Montague to me, and in her own house,
I do not care for you three skips of a louse,
I forgive it; for woman, however well bred,
Will still talk of that which runs most in their head!”

THE QUACK DOCTOR

A quack doctor, in one of his bills, said he could bring living witnesses to prove the efficacy of his nostrum, “which is more,” says he “than others in my line can do.”

CHARMING CONDESCENSION

On one occasion when John Kemble played Hamlet in the country, the gentleman who acted Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. Hamlet asks him, “Will you play upon this pipe?” “My lord, I cannot.” “I do beseech you?” “Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I can;” and to the confusion of Hamlet, and the great amusement of the audience, he played God save the king.

MATRIMONY

Bishop Andrews, the favourite preacher of King James the First, in his sermon on matrimony, says that ten woman are driven to the altar for one that is led to it.

THE MISER

An old miser, who had a footman that had a good appetite, and ate fast, but was slow when sent on a message, used to wish that his servant would eat with his feet and walk with his teeth.

A WINDOW IN THE BELLY