English Jests and Anecdotes

I MYSELF AM CARLINI

An unfortunate man, miserably afflicted with a hypochondriacal complaint, consulted M. Tronchin, the physician, “You want amusement, sir,” said Tronchin to him; “go and see Carlini:[6 - A celebrated harlequin of the Italian comedy.] he will make you laugh, and will do you more good, than any thing I can prescribe for you.” “Alas, sir,” said the patient, “I myself am Carlini.”

ALL LADIES IN TIME

In Queen Anne’s reign, the Lord B – married three wives, who were all his servants. A beggar woman, meeting him one day in the street, made him a very low courtesy. “Ah! God Almighty bless you,” said she, “and send you a long life! if you do but live long enough, we shall all be ladies in time.”

HONESTY TOO DEAR

A magistrate remonstrating with a culprit of the poor class, who had been frequently before him, asked him why he did not contrive to pursue an honest course? The other, who had got some gin under his girdle, replied, “Upon my soul, please your worship, I can’t afford to be honest.”

LOVE OF COUNTRY

George II., when riding through Brentford in dirty weather, was accustomed to say, “I do love this place, it is so like Germany.”

GRATITUDE

A grotesque instance of the sudden power of gratitude is shewn in a modern Kentish anecdote perfectly well attested. A person of Whitestable, named Patten, was well known in his own neighbourhood as a man of great oddity, great humour, and equally great extravagance. Once standing in need of a new wig, his old one defying all farther assistance of art, he went over to Canterbury, and applied to a barber, young in the business, to make him one. The tradesman, who was just going to dinner, begged the honour of his new customer’s company at his meal, to which Patten most readily consented. After dinner, a large bowl of punch was produced, and the happy guest, with equal readiness, joined in its demolition. When it was out, the barber was proceeding to business, and began to handle his measure, when Mr. Patten desired him to desist, saying, he should not make his wig. “Why not!” exclaimed the honest host; “have I done any thing to offend you, sir?” “Not in the least,” replied the guest; “I find you are a very honest, good-natured fellow; so I will take somebody else in. Had you made it, you would never have been paid for it.”

YORKSHIRE WIT

A Yorkshire boy went into a public-house, where a gentleman was eating eggs. The boy looked extremely hard at him for some time, and then said, “Will you be good enough to give me a little salt, sir?” “Ay, certainly boy; but why do you want salt?” “Perhaps, sir,” says he, “you’ll ask me to eat an egg presently, and I should like to be ready.” “What country are you from, my lad?” “Yorkshire, sir.” “I thought so – there, take an egg.” “I thank you, sir,” said the boy. “Well,” added the gentleman, “they are all great horse stealers in your country, are they not?” “Yes,” rejoins the boy, “my father (though an honest man) would mind no more stealing of a horse than I would drinking your glass of ale – Your health, sir,” added he, and drank it up. “That will do,” says the gentleman; “I see you’re Yorkshire.”

TONSORIAL WIT

An eccentric barber opened a shop under the walls of the King’s Bench prison. The windows being broken when he entered it, he mended them with paper, on which appeared “Shave for a penny,” with the usual invitation to customers; and over the door was scrawled these lines:

“Here lives Jemmy Wright,
Shaves as well as any man in England – almost – not quite.”

Foote (who loved any thing eccentric) saw these inscriptions, and hoping to extract some wit from the author, whom he justly concluded to be an odd character, he pulled off his hat, and thrusting his head through a paper pane into the shop, called out “Is Jemmy Wright at home?” The barber immediately forced his own head through another pane into the street, and replied, “No, sir, he has just popt out.” Foote laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea.

FORCE AND PLIABILITY OF CONSCIENCE

A tailor, who was dangerously ill, had a remarkable dream. He saw, fluttering in the air, a piece of cloth of prodigious length, composed of all the cabbage he had made, of a variety of colours. The Angel of Death held this piece of patchwork in one of his hands, and with the other gave the tailor several strokes with a piece of iron. The tailor, awakening in a fright, made a vow, that, if he recovered, he would cabbage no more. He soon recovered. As he was diffident in himself, he ordered one of his apprentices to put him in mind of his dream whenever he cut out a suit of clothes. The tailor was for some time obedient to the intimations given him by his apprentice; but a nobleman having sent for him to make a coat out of a very rich stuff, his virtue could not resist the temptation. His apprentice put him in mind of his dream, but to no purpose. “I am tired with your talk about the dream,” says the tailor; “there was nothing like this in the whole piece of patchwork I saw in my dream.”

DISABILITY FROM STAMMERING

A soldier, about to be sent on an expedition, said to the officer directing the drafts, “Sir, I cannot go, because I – I – stutter.” “Stutter!” says the officer, “you don’t go to talk, but to fight.” “Ay, but they’ll p-p-put me on g-g-guard, and a man may go ha-ha-half a mile before I can say, Wh-wh-who goes there?” “Oh, that is no objection, for there will be another sentry placed along with you, and he can challenge if you can fire.” “Well, b-b-but I may be taken and run through the g-g-guts before I can cry Qu-qu-quarter!”

KINDNESS OF A CARPENTER

A carpenter having neglected to make a gibbet (which was ordered by the executioner), on the ground that he had not been paid for the last that he had erected, gave so much offence, that the next time the judge came to the circuit he was sent for. “Fellow (said the judge, in a stern tone), how came you to neglect making the gibbet that was ordered on my account?” “I humbly beg your pardon,” said the carpenter, “had I known it had been for your lordship, it should have been done immediately.”

ONE AT A TIME, GENTLEMEN

One Sunday evening, when the weather was extremely hot, the windows of a parish church in the diocese of Gloucester were set open to admit more air, while the congregation was assembled for divine service. Just as the clergyman was beginning his weekly discourse (who, by the by, was not much celebrated for his oratorical powers), a jack-ass, which had been grazing in the church-yard, popped his head in at the window, and began braying with all his might, as if in opposition to the reverend preacher. On this a wag present immediately got up from his seat, and with great gravity of countenance exclaimed, – “One at a time, gentlemen, if you please!” The whole congregation set up a loud laugh, when the jack-ass took fright, and gave up the contest, though, from the clergyman’s chagrin and confusion, he would probably not have been the worst orator.

WINE SHARPENS THE WIT

A gentleman went to see his son at Westminster school, under the great Dr. Busby. When they were in discourse, over a bottle of wine, the doctor sent for the boy. “Come,” says he, “young man, as your father is here, take a glass of wine;” and quoted this Latin sentence, —Paucum vini acuit ingenium (a little wine sharpens the wit.) The lad replied, “Sed plus vini, plus ingenii!” (the more wine, the more wit!) “Hold, young man,” replied the doctor, “though you argue on mathematical principles, you shall have but one glass!”

WEST INDIAN AND NEGRO

A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, having fallen asleep in his chair, a negro boy, who was in waiting, observed a mosquito hovering round his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively; at last he saw him alight on his master’s nose, and immediately fly off. “Ah,” exclaimed the negro, “me d – n glad see you burn your foot!”

AN OUTLINE

When the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London for the purpose of negotiating a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered, “He did not know, but they had sent the outline of an ambassador.”

BACON

A malefactor of the name of Hogg, under sentence of death, petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a reprieve, claiming a relationship. His lordship said, he could not possibly be bacon till he had first been hung.

DR. BENTLEY

When the great Bentley, afterwards so distinguished, was examined for deacon’s orders, he expected that the bishop would himself examine him; and his displeasure at what he considered neglect he vented in such answers as the following: —

This is said to have been enough to satisfy the chaplain, who took the rhymer to the bishop.

STRIKING LIKENESS

Some years ago, a then itinerant portrait painter, whose reputation has since risen much above the point it at that time occupied, being employed to delineate the features of a musician of some eminence, who had taken up his temporary quarters at a watering place, the son of harmony was dissatisfied with the resemblance, and expressed his disapprobation rather strongly. “Who is that like, my dear?” asked the mortified artist of a fine little boy, the eldest hope of his employer. “Papa!” said the child. “So it is, my darling. You see, sir, your son is a better judge of a likeness than yourself. And where is it like papa, my dear?” “It’s very like papa about the fiddle!” was the answer. It is unnecessary to add, that no more questions were asked of the juvenile connoisseur.

ENDS OF JUSTICE

It is strange to observe how blind the common people are, in general, to the ends of public justice. They seem to have almost all taken their notions on this subject from the Judaic law, which awarded life for life, and one article to be substituted for another; and punishment is by them rather looked upon as a revenge to gratify the offended person, or his manes, than as preventative of future crimes. In Scotland, for instance, if a man is to be hanged for stealing the sheep, or breaking the shop, of another, the aggrieved individual is sometimes found to express what he will perhaps consider a graceful regret for the fate of the culprit, as if it were only to avenge his petty quarrel, and not to vindicate the cause of offended justice, that the law was to take its course. This was well reproved, on one occasion, by Justice Burnet. A fellow, whom that judge was about to condemn for horse-stealing, said it surely was a hard thing to be hanged for stealing a horse. “You are not to be hanged, friend,” replied the Justice, “for stealing a horse, but that horses may not be stolen.”

LORD BOLINGBROKE

The famous Lord Bolingbroke, being at Aix-la-chapelle, during the treaty of peace at that place (at which time his attainder was taken off), was asked by an impertinent Frenchman, whether he came there in any public character. “No, sir,” replied his Lordship, “I come like a French minister, with no character at all.”

WHAT’S IN A NAME

In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain Silk had arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception, “What a name for a soldier!” “The fittest name in the world,” rejoined a witty female; “for silk never can be worsted!”

GREAT ENCOURAGEMENT

A gentleman about to join his regiment, stationed in the West Indies, was making some anxious inquiries of a brother officer, who had returned, after serving several years in that climate, concerning the best means of preserving health; to which the other replied, “During our passage out, many serious discussions took place about the mode of living best calculated to preserve health in a climate, with the fatal effects of which on European constitutions every one is so well acquainted. Some determined to be temperate, and drink nothing but water; others, not to deviate from their usual manner of living. Not to interrupt each other’s plans, we agreed to separate into two distinct messes, which, from their different modes of living, very soon obtained the distinctive appellations of the sober and the drunken club.” “Well,” said the other gentleman, with some anxiety, “and what was the result?” “Why, truly, not very satisfactory: we buried all the members of the sober club in the course of a few months, and I am the only survivor of the drunken.”

SIR GEORGE ROOKE

The famous Sir George Rooke, when he was a captain of marines, was quartered at a village where he buried a good many of his men. At length, the parson refused to perform the ceremony of their interment any more, unless he was paid for it; which being told to Captain Rooke, he ordered six of his company to carry the corpse of the soldier then dead, and lay him upon the parson’s table. This so embarrassed the priest, that he sent the captain word, “If he would fetch the man away, he would bury him and all his company for nothing.”

NEW READING IN HORACE

Sir Robert Walpole, at the close of his administration, was sitting one evening with some intimate friends, to whom he was complaining of the vanities and vexations of office, adding, from the second epistle of the second book of Horace,