English Jests and Anecdotes

A STANDING JOKE

Munden, when confined to his bed, and unable to put his feet to the ground, being told by a friend that his dignified indisposition was the laugh of the green-room, pleasantly replied, “Though I love to make others laugh, yet I wish much rather they would make me a standing joke.”

SIMPLE PRESCRIPTION

A patient of some distinction, who was teazing Peter Pindar with his symptoms, and who had nothing scarcely to complain of, told him that he frequently had an itching, and begged to know what he should do. “Scratch yourself, sir,” replied Peter; which laconic advice lost him his patient.

TWO OF US

“Sirrah,” said a justice to one brought before him, “you are an arrant knave.” “Am I, sir?” says the prisoner; “just as your worship spoke, the clock struck two.”

NOT HALF WAY TO THE BOTTOM

A gentleman riding down a steep hill, and fearing the foot of it was unsound, called out to a clown who was ditching, and asked him if it was hard at the bottom. “Ay,” answered the countryman, “it is hard enough at the bottom, I warrant you.” But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up to the saddle-girths, which made the gentleman whip, spur, and swear. “Why, thou rascal!” said he, “didst thou not tell me it was hard at the bottom?” “Ay,” replied the fellow, “but you are not half way to the bottom yet.”

SHARP REPARTEE

A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, one of them called to him with an insolent air, “Well, honest fellow,” said he, “’tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour.” To which the countryman replied, “’Tis very like you may, for I am sowing hemp.”

GARRICK

Garrick and Rigby, walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a board at a house by the road-side the following strange inscription: “A goes koored hear.” “Heavenly powers!” said Rigby, “how is it possible that such people as these can cure agues?” “I do not know,” replied Garrick, “what their prescription is; but I am certain it is not by a spell.”

REASON FOR WEEPING

A gentleman, taking an apartment, told the landlady, “I assure you, madam, I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears.” She answered, “I hope it was not, sir, because you went away without paying.”

DRUNKEN LEGS

Garrick was walking one day upon the Boulevards at Paris with the famous Preville, the first comic actor of the French theatre. To amuse themselves, and some of their friends, they imitated two drunken men so well, that the company scampered away to avoid them; when Garrick, in the midst of their career, in a loud whisper, said to his companion, Preville, voire pied droit n’est pas assez ivre; mettez y la moindre idée de plus; i.e., “Preville, your right foot is not drunk enough; throw the least shade more into it.”

GENERAL BOYD

When General Boyd was Governor of Gibraltar, he wrote an order to a Mr. Brown, his agent in London, for provisions for the garrison, but forgot to insert what he wanted for his own private stores, until the letter was sealed up, and the vessel by which it was to be sent on the point of sailing, he therefore wrote on the outside, “Brown, Beef, Boyd.” His agent returned his provision, with an epistle equally laconic, written immediately under the direction, “Boyd, Beef, Brown.”

CONSTITUTIONAL COLD

“When I have a cold in my head,” said a gentleman in company, “I am always remarkably dull and stupid.” “You are much to be pitied then, sir,” replied another, “for really it is a complaint that troubles you very often.”

HYPERBOLICAL POLITENESS

The witty and licentious Earl of Rochester meeting with the great Isaac Barrow in the Park, told his companions that he would have some fun with the rusty old pot. Accordingly he went up with great gravity, and, taking off his hat, made the doctor a profound bow, saying, “Doctor, I am yours to my shoe tie.” The doctor, seeing his drift, immediately pulled off his beaver, and returned the bow with, “My lord, I am yours to the ground.” Rochester followed up his salutation by a deeper bow, saying, “Doctor, I am yours to the centre.” Barrow, with a very low obeisance, replied, “My lord, I am yours to the antipodes.” His lordship, nearly gravelled, exclaimed, “Doctor, I am yours to the lowest pit of hell.” “There, my lord,” said Barrow sarcastically, “I leave you,” and walked off.

PATIENCE

A Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge, on the eve of his departure from the University, preached at St. Mary’s upon these words, Have patience with me, and I will pay you all; and, owing a great sum of money in the town, enlarged mightily on the first part of the text, Have patience, &c. “Now,” says he, “I should come to the second part, and I will pay you all; but having prest too long on your patience, I must leave that to the next opportunity; so pray have patience with me!”

NO BAD EXCHANGE

“How are you this morning,” said Fawcett to Cooke. “Not at all myself,” says the tragedian. “Then, I congratulate you,” replied Fawcett; “for be whoever else you will, you will be a gainer by the bargain.”

EXTREME UNCTION

As the late Earl of Chesterfield and Lord Petre were once stepping out of a carriage, a great lamp, oil and all, fell from the centre of an iron arch before the house, missing Lord Petre by about half-an-inch. “Oh, my lord,” said he, “I was near being gone!” “Why, yes,” replied the Earl coolly, “but there would certainly have been one comfort attending the accident, since you must infallibly have received extreme unction before you went.”

RICH AND THE HACKNEY COACHMAN

As Rich, the harlequin, was one evening returning home from the playhouse in a hackney coach, he ordered the coachman to drive him to the Sun, then a famous tavern in Clare Market. Just as the coach passed one of the windows of the tavern, Rich, who perceived it to be open, dexterously threw himself out of the coach-window into the room. The coachman, who saw nothing of this transaction, drew up, descended from his box, opened the coach door, and let down the step; then, taking off his hat, he waited for some time, expecting his fare to alight; but at length, looking into the coach, and seeing it empty, he bestowed a few hearty curses on the rascal who had bilked him, remounted his box, turned about, and was driving back to the stand; when Rich, who had watched his opportunity, threw himself into the coach, looked out, asked the fellow where the devil he was driving, and desired him to turn again. The coachman, almost petrified with fear, instantly obeyed, and once more drew up to the door of the tavern. Rich now got out; and, after reproaching the fellow with stupidity, tendered him his money. “No, God bless your honour,” said the coachman, “my master has ordered me to take no money to-night.” “Pshaw!” said Rich, “your master’s a fool; here’s a shilling for yourself.” “No, no,” said the coachman, who by that time had remounted his box, “that won’t do; I know you too well, for all your shoes – and so, Mr. Devil, for once you’re outwitted!”

NEAREST ROAD TO HELL

The Earl of Rochester once endeavoured to throw off his wit upon a young academic at Oxford, by thus accosting him: —

“Pray, Mr. Student, can you tell,
Which is the nearest way to Hell?”

The other instantly retorted, —

“Some say Woodstock, I say nay,
For Rochester’s the nearest way.”

FLYING COLOURS

Two gentlemen were at a coffee-house, when the discourse fell upon Sir Joshua Reynold’s painting; one of them said, that “his tints were admirable, but the colours flew.” It happened, unluckily, that Sir Joshua was in the next stall, and he, taking up his hat, accosted them thus, with a low bow: “Gentlemen, I return you many thanks for bringing me off with flying colours.”

YOU RIDE, I SEE

A gentleman entered a box at the playhouse in his boots and spurs, and said that he came to town on purpose to see Orpheus; when, unluckily, his spurs got entangled in a lady’s petticoat, she replied, “and Eu-rid-i-ce.”

PHYSICIAN AND PATIENT

A gentleman, calling upon a friend who was attended by a physician from the west end of the town, inquired of the doctor, on one of his visits, if he did not find it inconvenient to attend his friend from such a distance? “Not at all, sir,” replied the doctor, “for, having another patient in the adjoining street, I can kill two birds with one stone.” “Can you so?” replied the sick man; “then you are two good a shot for me:” and dismissed him.

EXTEMPORE LINES BY LORD CHESTERFIELD

Lord Chesterfield, on viewing Lady M – , a reputed Jacobite, adorned with Orange ribands at the anniversary ball at Dublin, in memory of King William, thus addressed her, extempore: —

“Thou little Tory, where’s the jest
To wear those ribbons in thy breast;
When that breast, betraying shows
The whiteness of the rebel rose?”

BON MOT OF NELSON

Lord Nelson was as decided and animated in his intercourse with his friends as with the enemies of his country. Captain Berry had served with him in the unfortunate affair of Teneriffe; and, on their return to England, accompanied him to St James’s. The King, with his accustomed suavity, lamented the gallant admiral’s wounds. “You have lost your right arm,” observed his Majesty. “But not my right hand,” replied the other, “as I have the honour of presenting Captain Berry to your Majesty.”

ANECDOTE OF QUIN

Dining one day at a party in Bath, Quin uttered something which caused a general murmur of delight. A nobleman present, who was not illustrious for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed, “What a pity ’tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should be a player.” Quin fixed and flashed his eye upon the person, with this reply, “What would your lordship have me be? – a Lord!”