English Jests and Anecdotes

When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day, the doctor coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription. “No, truly, doctor,” said Nash; “if I had, I should have broken my neck, for I threw it out of a two-pair of stairs window.”

LUDICROUS THREAT

A very young officer, striking an old grenadier of his company for some supposed fault in performing his evolutions, was unable to reach any higher than his legs. The grenadier, upon this infantine assault, gravely took off his cap, and holding it over the officer by the tip, said, “Sir, if you were not my officer, I would extinguish you.”

SMALL CAPITAL

Tom Brown having once asked a man how he contrived to live in these hard times? was answered, “Why” Master Brown, “I live, as I believe you do, by my wits.” “Truly,” replied Tom, “you must be a much more able trader than I ever thought you, to carry on business, and live upon so small a capital.”

GOODNESS OF GEORGE I

The king leaning carelessly out of a window, with the skirts of his coat gaping behind, a stout scullion perceiving the favourable situation, and mistaking his sacred majesty for one of the cooks, advanced on tiptoe, and, with a well extended arm, discharged a heavy blow on the royal buttocks. “Zounds!” cried the king, “what the devil’s the matter now?” The poor woman, thinking herself undone, fell upon her knees, and excused herself by protesting she had mistaken his majesty for Bertrand. “Well,” replied the king, rubbing briskly the aching part, “if it had been Bertrand, where was the necessity of striking so hard?”

PRESSING REASON

A spunger was reproached one day for dining so often among his friends. “What would you have me to do?” answered he; “I am pressed to do it.” “True,” answered Monk Lewis, “there is nothing more pressing than hunger.”

ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER

Buck, the player at York, was asked how he came to turn his coat twice: he replied, smartly, that “one good turn deserved another.”

EFFECTIVE SERMON

Dean Swift once preached a charity sermon at St. Patrick’s Church, Dublin, the length of which disgusted many of his auditors; which coming to his knowledge, and it falling to his lot soon after to preach another sermon of the like kind, in the same place, he took special care to avoid falling into the former error. His text was, “He that hath pity upon the poor, lendeth unto the Lord, and that which he hath given, will He pay him again.” The dean, after repeating his text in a more than commonly emphatical tone, added, “Now my beloved brethren, you hear the terms of this loan: if you like the security, down with your dust.” It is worthy of remark, that the quaintness and brevity of this sermon produced a very large contribution.

PURGATORY

The Count de Villa Medinna, being at church one day, and finding there a Religious who begged for the souls in purgatory, he gave him a piece of gold. “Ah! my lord,” said the good father, “you have now delivered a soul.” The count threw upon the plate another piece: “Here is another soul delivered,” said the Religious. “Are you positive of it?” replied the count. “Yes, my lord,” replied the monk, “I am certain they are now in heaven.” “Then,” said the count, “I’ll take back my money, for it signifies nothing to you now, seeing the souls are already got to heaven; there can be no danger of their returning again to purgatory.” And he immediately gave the pieces to the poor that were standing by.

ANECDOTE OF SHERIDAN

In the midst of his distresses, Sheridan had one day invited a party of friends to dine with him, amongst whom were a few noblemen of the Opposition party; but, upon examining his cellar, a terrible deficiency was found. He was largely in debt to Chalier, the great wine-merchant, and for two years had been unable to obtain from him any further credit. He put his imagination to work and tried the following expedient. He sent for Chalier on the day of the dinner in question, and told him that luckily he was just in cash, and wished to settle his account. Chalier was much pleased; but told him, as he had not the account with him, he would return home and bring it. He was about to leave the room, when, as if upon sudden recollection, Sheridan said, “Oh, Chalier, by-the-by, you must stop and dine with me to-day; I have a party to whom I will introduce you – some leading members of both Houses.” Chalier, who was fond of good company, and also hoped to meet with a recommendation, was obliged to Sheridan for the offer, and promised to be with him at the hour appointed. Upon his return home, he informed the clerk of his cellars that he was going to dine with Mr. Sheridan, and probably should not be home till it was late. Sheridan had fixed the hour of six to Chalier, but desired him to come before that time, as he had much to say to him in private. At about five o’clock, Chalier came to his appointment, and he was no sooner in the house, than Sheridan sent off a servant, with a note to the clerk, desiring him, as Mr. Chalier was favouring him with his company, to send, as soon as possible, three dozen of Burgundy, two dozen of claret, and two dozen of port, with a dozen of old hock. The clerk, knowing his master was at Sheridan’s, and thinking that the order came with his concurrence, immediately obeyed it. After dinner, every body praised the fine qualities of Sheridan’s wines, and all were desirous of knowing who was his wine-merchant. Sheridan, turning towards Chalier, said, “I am indebted to my friend here for all you have tasted, and am proud to recommend him.”

MATCHES

It was told Lord Chesterfield, that Mrs. M – , a termagant and scold, was married to a gamester; on which his lordship said, “that cards and brimestone made the best matches.”

LITTLE MONEY

Mr. Money, a little dapper man, was dancing at the York Assembly with a tall lady of the name of Bond; on which Sterne said, “There was a great bond for a little money.”

FRIENDS AT COURT

A gentleman, begging Villiers, the witty Duke of Buckingham, to employ his interest for him at court, added, that he had nobody to depend on but God and his grace. “Then,” said the duke, “your condition is desperate: you could not have named any two beings who have less interest at court.”

CONFESSION

Some time after a late nobleman had abjured the Roman Catholic religion, he was sent ambassador to France, where he resided several years. Being one day at an entertainment, a noble duke, his near relation, rallying him on the score of religion, asked his lordship whether the ministers of state, or the ministers of the gospel, had the greatest share in his conversion. “Good God, my lord duke!” replied the witty peer, “how can you ask me such a question? Do you not know that when I quitted the Roman Catholic religion I left off confession?”

WIT OF A RESURRECTIONIST

A large party of soldiers surprising two resurrection men in a churchyard, the officer, seizing one of them, asked him what he had to say for himself: – “Say, sir!” replied the surgeon’s provider, “why, that we came here to raise a corpse, and not a regiment.”

BREAKING UP OF A NURSERY

The organ of early destructiveness sometimes exhibits itself in a droll way. The mother of a family was one day saying, that as soon as the youngest child was of such an age, she should break up the nursery. “La, mamma!” said one of the children, “that will be fine sport – I’ll break up the chairs, and John shall break up the tables.”

BOW STREET BON-MOT

A lady went into the Police Office, Bow Street, and inquired the price of some fur and silk articles. Townsend quizzingly replied, “Oh, ma’am, we’re all fair and above board – we’ve no cloaks here.” To which the lady rejoined, “Sir, I beg pardon; I really thought that this was the celebrated pelisse office.”

A YORKSHIRE EATING MATCH

There was a famous eating match at a village in Yorkshire, between two men, named Gubbins and Muggins, which caused a great deal of interest in the neighbourhood; and a countryman, leaving the place before the match was decided, was stopped by almost every one on the road with “Who beats? how does the match get on?” &c.: to which he answered, “Why, I doant exactly know – they say Gubbins’ll get it; but I thinks Muggins’ll bet ’un yet, for when I leaft he was oanly two geese and a torkey behind him!”

ALL GONE OUT

A gentleman having appointed to meet his friend on particular business, went to his house and knocked at the door, which was opened by a servant girl. He informed her he wanted her master. “He is gone out, sir,” said she. “Then your mistress will do,” said the gentleman. “She,” said the girl, “is gone out too.” “My business is of consequence,” returned he; “is your master’s son at home?” “No, sir,” replied the girl, “he is gone out.” “That’s unlucky indeed,” replied he; “but perhaps it may not be long before they return; I will step in and sit by your fire.” “Oh, sir,” said the girl, “the fire is gone out too.” Upon which the gentleman bade her inform her master, that he did not expect to be received so coolly.

MUSICAL TASTE

A gentleman being asked his opinion of the singing of a lady who had not the purest breath, said, “That the words of the song were delightful, but he did not much admire the air.”

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHIGS AND TORIES

“Pray, Monsieur l’Ambassadeur,” said the late King of France one day at his levee, “what do you take to be the difference between a Whig and a Tory?” “Please your majesty,” was the reply, “I conceive the difference to be merely nominal; the Tories are Whigs when they want places, and the Whigs are Tories when they have got them.”

THE PRETENDER’S HEALTH

There was not much wit, but there was some good humour in the reply George II. made to a lady, who, at the first masquerade his majesty was at in England, invited him to drink a glass of wine at one of the beaufetes. With this he readily complied, and the lady filling a bumper, said, “Here, mask, the Pretender’s health;” then filling another glass, presented it to the king, who, receiving it with a smile, replied, “I drink with all my heart to the health of all unfortunate princes.”

NO PAY NO PRAY

When Jonas Hanway once advertised for a coachman he had a great number of applicants. One of them he approved of, and told him, if his character answered, he would take him on the terms which they had agreed upon; “But,” said he, “my good fellow, as I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform you, that every evening, after the business in the stable is done, I shall expect you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour to attend family prayer; to this, I suppose, you can have no objection?” “Why, as to that, sir,” replied the fellow, “I does not see much to say against it, but I hope you’ll consider it in my wages.”

A COBBLER’S END

A great crowd being gathered about a poor cobbler, who had just died in the street, a man asked Alexander Stevens “What was to be seen?” “Oh!” replied he, “only a cobbler’s end.”

MORE THAN I CAN SWALLOW

An illustrious person told Mr. D – , of C – , that he had drunk two bottles of champagne and six of port. “That,” said Mr. D – , “is more than I can swallow;” and if the wit was relished, it was never forgiven.

GIVING UP THE GHOST

A player performing the Ghost in Hamlet very badly, was hissed; after bearing it a good while, he put the audience in good humour by stepping forward and saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am extremely sorry that my humble endeavours to please are unsuccessful; but if you are not satisfied, I must give up the Ghost.”

A DEAR WIFE, INDEED