English Jests and Anecdotes

DR. JOHNSON ON A SCOTCH PROSPECT

When Dr. Johnson was in Scotland, amongst other curiosities shewn him, he was taken to a very ancient and high castle, which was reckoned to command the most extensive views of any in the country. “Well, sir,” says his guide, “what do you think of this prospect?” “It is the finest in all Scotland,” says the doctor; “for I can here see the road to England.”

DR. JOHNSON ON THE RECONCILIATION OF WOMEN

Dr. Johnson sitting one night with a number of ladies and gentlemen of his acquaintance, the ladies, by way of heightening the good humour of the company, agreed to toast ordinary women. In this round, one of the ladies gave an old housekeeper of Dr. Johnson’s, blind of an eye, and another matched her with Dr. Goldsmith. This whimsical union so pleased the former lady, that though she had some pique with the latter in the beginning of the night, she ran round the table, kissed her, and said she forgave her every thing that happened for the ’propos of her last toast. “Ay,” says Johnson, “this puts me in mind of an observation of Swift’s, that the quarrels of women are made up like those of ancient kings, —there is always an animal sacrificed on the occasion.”

REHEARSING A FUNERAL

Lord Chesterfield, a little before his death, was so infirm, that, whenever he went out in his coach, the horses were generally led step by step. In this situation he was one morning met by an acquaintance, who congratulated his lordship on being able to take the air. “I thank you kindly, sir,” says his lordship; “but I do not come out so much for the air, as for the benefit of rehearsing my funeral.”

BEST SORT OF LANGUAGE FOR THE PULPIT

The vicar in a certain village in England, returning one Sunday from church, was thus accosted by an opulent farmer: “Well, doctor,” said he, “you be gwain on pretty well now; but why dount ye gi’ us now and than a scrap of Latin?” “Why,” said the vicar, “if I had thought it had been your wish, I should have had no objection, but for one thing – I am afraid you would not understand it.” “That,” said the other, “is nout to you; as we do pay vor the best, we oft to ha’ the best.”

HOGARTH’S NO-DEDICATION

Hogarth wrote a History of the Arts, which he intended to publish as a supplement to the Analysis of Beauty, and even went so far as to write the dedication for it, which was as follows: —

“The no-dedication; not dedicated to any prince in Christendom, for fear it might be thought an idle piece of arrogance; not dedicated to any man of quality, for fear it might be thought too assuming; not dedicated to any learned body of men, as either of the Universities, or the Royal Society, for fear it might be thought an uncommon piece of vanity; nor dedicated to any one particular friend, for fear of offending another; therefore, dedicated to nobody: but if, for once, we may suppose nobody to be every body, as every body is often said to be nobody, then is this work dedicated to every body, by their most humble and devoted William Hogarth.”

A COMPLIMENT TO EXTRAORDINARY TALENT

Notwithstanding the perpetual contention between Rich and Garrick for the favour of the town, they lived upon very friendly terms. Rich had improved his house at Covent Garden, and made it capable of holding more. Garrick went with him to see it, and asked him, in the theatrical phrase, how much money it would hold. “Sir,” says Rich, “that question I am at present unable to answer; but were you to appear but one night on my stage, I should be able to tell you to the utmost shilling.”

FRIENDS

Some English officers, drinking in their tent, asked the chaplain for a toast. “The King of France.” “What! our foe?” said the colonel. “You live by him,” said the chaplain. The colonel, in his turn, gave “The Devil.” “Do you mean to affront me?” exclaimed the chaplain. “You live by him,” said the colonel, very coolly; “do you not, my good doctor?”

POVERTY A VIRTUE

Dr. R – maintained that poverty was a virtue. “That,” replied Mr. Canning, “is literally making a virtue of necessity.”

ANECDOTE OF JOE MILLER

Joe Miller going one day along the Strand, an impudent Derby Captain came swaggering up to him, and thrust between him and the wall. “I don’t use to give the wall,” said he, “to every jackanapes.” “But I do,” said Joe, and so made way for him.

FOUL WIND

A gentleman having a remarkably bad breath, was met by Lord Thurlow in Pall Mall, who, seeing him booted and spurred, asked him where he had been? “I have been taking the air this morning,” says he, “which was rather disagreeable too, as I had a d – d north wind full in my face all the time.” “Come, come,” says his lordship; “don’t you complain: the north wind had the worst of it.”

LORD NORBURY

Lord Norbury, happening to drive out in the neighbourhood of Kingstown, was accosted by a poor person in want of employment. His lordship asked him many questions, and, amongst others, his name, and what business he followed. He said, “his name was Pew, and he was a labourer.” “Why, Pew,” replied his lordship, “you should have had a permanent situation in the church.”

LENIENT JUDGMENT

There was once a man of a peculiarly gentle temper – a man of mere milk – a perfect Nathaniel, whom nobody could ever provoke to say so much as an ill word of any body. The most atrocious villains who came to the gallows were pitied by this man. He found an excuse for every folly – a pardon for every crime. Somebody, at last, by way of trying his temper, related to him the whole story of Nero – how he killed his mother, set fire to Rome, and would have slain his whole people by one blow if he could. “What – what do you think of that man?” inquired the narrator at last, expecting to hear him pronounced upon as a monster in human shape. “Why,” said the man of sillibub, “I think he must have been a wag!”

TECHNICAL REMARK

A printer observing two bailiffs pursuing an ingenious but distressed author, remarked, “that it was a new edition of ‘The Pursuits of Literature,’ unbound, but hot-pressed.”

SHERIDAN AND THE GREAT SEAL

At a canvas, in which Sheridan was engaged at Westminster, soon after the Great Seal of England was so strangely abstracted, the mob saluted him with loud cries of, – “Who stole the Seal? Sherry stole the Seal,” &c.; and one fellow at last exclaimed, “I suppose if there had been a watch at it, he would have stolen it too.” “No,” said Sheridan; “if there had been a watch at it, it probably would not have been stolen at all.”

WELL-SUSTAINED CONVERSATION

A country gentleman of great taciturnity, and whose servant quite understood all his ways, was one day crossing a bridge, when he took it into his head to look back and ask his attendant if he liked eggs. John answered, “Yes,” and no more passed at that time. Exactly on that day twelvemonth, he happened to cross the same bridge, about the same hour of the day. “How?” cried he to the servant, who rode behind him. John, not behind in one respect, instantly replied, “Poached, sir.” The conversation then dropped.

SHERIDAN AND DIGNUM

On the 5th of December, 1803, Mr. Reynolds, the prolific dramatist, produced a musical afterpiece at Drury-Lane, entitled, “The Caravan; or, the Driver and his Dog.” There was some pretty music in it, composed by Reed, and it had a very great run, and brought much money to the treasury. The chief attraction of the piece was a dog called Carlo. “One day, Mr. Sheridan having dined with me,” says Kelly in his Memoirs, “we went to see the performance of this wonderful dog; as we entered the green-room, Dignum (who played in the piece) said, ‘Sir, there is no guarding against illness; it is truly lamentable to stop the run of a successful piece like this – ’ ‘Really! what?’ cried Sheridan, interrupting him. ‘I am so unwell!’ continued Dignum, ‘that I cannot go on longer than to-night.’ ‘You!’ exclaimed Sheridan, ‘my good fellow, you terrified me; I thought you were going to say that the dog was taken ill.’”

SODORIFIC AND SOPORIFIC

A medical practitioner, who occasionally jests with his patients, being visited by one who was hypochondriac, and fancied himself ill of a fever, he gave the following prescription: – “Recipe – A washerwoman.” On being asked the reason for this curious order, he replied, “He knew nothing better for the cure of such fevers than medicine at once sud-orific and soap-orific.”

LAUGHABLE MISPRINT

In the newspaper account of an inquest held on the body of a glutton, who died by devouring part of a goose, the verdict suffocation was misprinted stuffocation.

SHERIDAN AND LORD THURLOW

Sheridan was dining with the black-browed Chancellor, when he produced some admirable Constantia, which had been sent him from the Cape of Good Hope. The wine tickled the palate of Sheridan, who saw the bottle emptied with uncommon regret, and set his wits to work to get another. The old chancellor was not to be so easily induced to produce his curious Cape in such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan’s attempts to get another glass. Sheridan being piqued, and seeing the inutility of persecuting the immoveable pillar of the law, turned towards a gentleman sitting farther down, and said, “Sir, pass me up that decanter, for I must return to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape.”

RIVAL SHOEMAKERS

Two rival shoemakers, who lived directly opposite to each other, in one of the streets near the west end of London, and whose opposition was not in situation alone, but in every matter connected with business, carried on for a long time a war of advertisements and placards, till at last, one of them, to signify the purity of his style of doing business, got his doorway adorned with the classic sentence, “Mens conscia recti.” This the other conceived to be an advertisement of something in the line of business; and, as he was a lady’s shoemaker also, he got his door ornamented with the following improved reading of the apothegm, – “Men’s and Women’s conscia recti.”

EDINBURGH CASTLE

As a person was shewing Dr. Johnson the castle of Edinburgh, he mentioned to him a tradition that some part of it had been standing 300 years before Christ. “Much faith,” replied the doctor in his usual manner, “is due to tradition; and that part of the fortress which was standing at so early a period, must undoubtly have been the rock upon which it was founded!”

TALL TOPHAM

A Mr. Topham, who was many inches above the usual stature of men, used to tell an amusing story of himself. Going once to inquire for a person, he looked in at the window over the door, and asked an old woman who sat by the fire if her husband was at home. “No, sir,” said she; “but if you will please to alight and come in, I will go and call him.”

LENT NOT GIVEN

A gentleman happening to have high words with a butcher in St. James’s market, was at last so provoked, that he raised his cane, and threatened to give him a good dressing. “No Master,” said his antagonist, “it shall only be lent, and I will take care it shall be repaid with interest.”

NOVEL PHRASE IN A PETITION

There was little piety in the army in the reign of the second George. It is told of an officer, who was desirous of presenting a petition to that monarch, and who requested a friend’s assistance in drawing it up, that, finding it concluded as usual, “And your petitioner shall ever pray,” he exclaimed, “Pray! I never prayed in my life, and shall not begin now: why should I tell a lie to his majesty?” So he substituted, “And your petitioner shall ever fight.” The king laughed heartily at this eccentricity, and granted the officer his request.

TAKING A PLACE