English Jests and Anecdotes

NEW CONSTRUCTION OF “EQUAM MEMENTO.”

A gentleman told Lord North, that, from a variety of losses, he had found himself compelled to reduce his establishment. “And what,” said his lordship, “have you done with the fine mare you used to ride?” “I have sold her.” “Then you have not attended to Horace’s maxim, —

Equam memento rebus in arduis servare.”

VENETIAN BLINDS

Three Venetians, whom Lord Byron brought with him into this country, were so dreadfully attacked by ophthalmia, as almost entirely to lose their eye-sight. “What can we do with these poor fellows?” said his lordship, when he heard of their misfortune. “Why,” said Dr. L., “at the worst, we can set each of them up as a Venetian Blind.”

TOO MANY DAMS

A boat ascending the Ohio river was hailed by another boat, when the following dialogue ensued: – “What boat is that?” “The Cherrystone.” “Whence came you?” “From Redstone.” “Where are you bound to?” “Limestone.” “Who is your captain?” “Thomas Stone.” “What are you loaded with?” “Millstones and grindstones.” “You are a hard set to be sure; take care you don’t go to the bottom. Farewell.”

The above reminds us of another, and, perhaps, more original joke, of which we supply a new edition: – Two ships meeting, the following dialogue ensued: – “What ship is that?” “The Dam.” ”Whence came you?“ ”From Amsterdam.” “Where are you bound to?” “To Rotterdam.” “What is your captain’s name?” “Potsdam.” “What is your cargo?” “Damsons and Damask.” “How goes it with you?” “In the last gale much damage.” “What news?” “The dams of Holland overflowed.” “You are,” concluded the interrogating tar, “a d – d set; so d – n your eyes, sheer off!”

RIGHT DIVINE

Among the few highly favoured individuals who were included in the select evening parties of George the Fourth, while at the Pavilion, Brighton, was the facetious Rev. J. Wright. On one occasion, the king hinted to his brother, the Duke of York, some intention he had of doing a particular act, to which the duke dissented: his majesty referred to the D.D.; on which the reverend jocularly observed, “The King can do no wrong.” “Then,” said his majesty, “Fred, I shall pursue my object; for you hear I have Wright Divine on my side.”

AN OLD BEARD

Eric Rosenkrantz, who visited England in the reign of Charles I., from a motive of curiosity, was, in 1652, sent hither on an extraordinary embassy from the court of Denmark. Cromwell, who considered Rosenkrantz as a young minister without experience, asked him, whether there were many such forward geniuses among the Danes, who were qualified to manage the arduous affairs of state before their beards were grown. Rosenkrantz, who had occasion for all his temper and discretion not to say too much or too little upon the attack, replied, with an admirable firmness, “Sir, my beard, though it be young, is, however, older than your republic.” The protector, from this smart reply, conceived a different opinion of him, and treated him with much higher regard.

LORD LOUGHBOROUGH

Lord Loughborough rallying a physician one day, on the inefficacy of his prescriptions, the doctor said, he defied any of his patients to find fault with him. “That,” answered the witty lord, “is exactly what Jack Ketch says.”

NATIONAL PARADOXES

Somebody once remarked that the Englishman is never happy but when he is miserable; the Scotchman is never at home but when he is abroad; and the Irishman is never at peace but when he is fighting.

A HARD RUN

A droll equivoque, and not unseasonable, took place between Sir – and Mr. M – , at the time of the great cash distresses in 1826. The baronet overtook the latter on returning from a fox chase; and, supposing the banker had been one of the field, and wishing to say something civil as he passed, observed, “A hard run to-day, Mr. M.” “Oh, no, sir, I assure you!” replied the conscious man of money, not of straw; “no such thing, sir; not in the least hard pressed to-day; no run at all!” “Why we run him in!” rejoined the baronet, with evident surprise; “would you have all knocked up?” “Oh! you are talking of the fox, perhaps,” said the banker, “and I was thinking of my bank. I have not been hunting, but hunted all the week by a pack of fools.”

THE KING IN A SQUABBLE

A recruiting sergeant, addressing an honest country bumpkin in one of the streets of Manchester, with – “Come, my lad, thou’lt fight for thy king, won’t thou?” “Voight for my king,” answered Hodge, “why, has he fawn out wi’ ony body?”

A WIDOW REQUIRES PICKLING

Dr. James was sent for to a widow lady, who was not very well, who asked him if sea bathing would not be a very good thing for her? “Why, yes, madam, if a widow won’t keep without being salted.”

ARMS

The Duchess of Kingston, who was remarkable for having a very high sense of her own dignity, being one day detained in her carriage by a cart of coals that was unloading in the street, she leaned with both her arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, “How dare you, sirrah, stop a woman of quality in the street?” “Woman of quality,” replied the man. “Yes, fellow,” rejoined her grace, “don’t you see my arms upon my carriage?” “Yes, I do indeed,” says he, “and a pair of plaguy coarse arms they are.”

A MOVING DISCOURSE

A certain reverend drone in the country, preaching a very dull sermon to a congregation not used to him, many of them slunk out of the church, one after another, before the sermon was nearly ended. “Truly,” said a gentleman present, “this learned doctor has made a very moving discourse.”

DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM

An instance of astonishing quickness is related of the witty Duke of Buckingham: Being present at the first representation of one of Dryden’s pieces of heroic nonsense, where a lover says, “My wound is great, because it is so small!” The Duke cried out, “Then ’twould be greater, were it none at all.” The play was instantly damned.

SHORT PRAYERS

At a dinner party at the Duke of Ormond’s in 1715, Sir William Wyndham, in a jocular dispute about short prayers, told the company, among whom was Bishop Atterbury, that the shortest prayer he had ever heard, was that of a common soldier, just before the battle of Blenheim: – “O God, if there be a God, save my soul, if I have a soul!” This was followed by a general laugh. Atterbury seemed to join in the conversation, and, applying himself to Sir William Wyndham, said, “Your prayer, Sir William, is indeed very short; but I remember another as short, and much better, offered up likewise by a poor soldier, in the same circumstances: – ‘O God, if in the day of battle I forget Thee, do not Thou forget me!’”

[A Highlander offered up a prayer almost as laconic as either of the above two, just before fighting for the Old Chevalier, at the battle of Sheriffmuir. He said, “Oh Lord, be Thou for us; but if Thou be not for us be not against us, but leave it between the red coats (the king’s soldiers) and us.”]

THREE USES OF ONE WORD

A person, who lived in constant fear of the bailiffs, having absconded, one of his acquaintances was asked, what was the reason of his absence? to which he replied, “Why, sir, I apprehend he was apprehensive of being apprehended.”

COUNTENANCE AT AN ELECTION

When Mr. Charles York was returned a member for the University of Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial for having the largest and most hideous physiognomy that ever eye beheld. Mr. York, in thanking him, said, “Sir, I have great reason to be thankful to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular obligation to you, for the very remarkable countenance you have shewn me upon this occasion.”

AMIABLE COMPASSION

Theodore Hook being told of the marriage of a political opponent, exclaimed, “I am very glad, indeed, to hear it.” Then suddenly added, with a feeling of compassionate forgiveness, “And yet I don’t see why I should, poor fellow, for he never did me much harm.”

INGENIOUS INSINUATION

At Allithwaite, Westmoreland, Mrs. Sarah Birkett, innkeeper, and formerly of Troutbeck, famous for brewing fine ale, had upon her sign-post the following words: —

O mortal man, that liv’st by bread,
How comes thy nose to be so red?
Thou silly ass, that look’st so pale,
’Tis red with Sarah Birkett’s ale.

HOW TO PAY A DOCTOR’S BILL

A singular old gentleman was waited upon with his surgeon’s bill for the purpose of being paid. After cogitating over its contents for some time, he desired the person in waiting for his answer, to tell his master that the medicine he should certainly pay for, but that he should return the visits.

GOOD EXCHANGE

In a company where the conversation happened to turn upon the Mosaical account of the creation of the first woman, a lady made the following remark: – “The Creator appears, in this story, in the light of a midnight robber – he steals from Adam in his sleep.” “Allow me, madam,” said a gentleman, “to narrate an anecdote by way of argument against your objection. Last night, some persons broke into my father’s house; they carried away a bar of silver, and left in its place a richly chased golden vase. Can we consider these men as thieves?” “Thieves!” exclaimed the lady, “no; benefactors.” “Well, then,” said the gentleman, “in what manner ought we to regard Him who took away a worthless rib, and gave in exchange an inestimable treasure?”

REASON TO BE THANKFUL

A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, underwriter at Lloyd’s, was conversing one day with a friend in the coffee-house on the subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, “Do you know that I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy?” “The devil she is,” replied he, “well, I’m glad that she’s got into some port at last.”

WILKES

At the period of Wilkes’s popularity, every wall bore his name, and every window his portrait. In china, in bronze, or in marble, he stood upon the chimney-pieces of half the houses of the metropolis? he swung upon the sign-post of every village, of every great road throughout the country. He used himself to tell, with much glee, of a monarchical old lady, behind whom he accidently walked, looking up, and murmuring within his hearing, in much spleen, “He swings everywhere but where he ought!” Wilkes passed her, and, turning round, politely bowed.

INSCRIPTION FOR AN APOTHECARY