English Jests and Anecdotes

The following was, in consequence of an evening’s frolic, inscribed by some wags of Oxford, over an apothecary’s door: —

Hic venditur

Catharticum, Emeticum, Narcoticum,

Et omne quod exit in um,

Præter

Remedium

WIT IN A FOOTMAN

“How do you like your new place, Jack?” said a smart liveried footman, to an old fellow-servant whom he met in Pall Mall, bearing one of the lottery placards. “Pretty well,” replied the other: “if it’s not quite so genteel as yours, it is more independent; for, don’t you see, I get seventeen shillings per week, and my board,” pointing to the notice on his shoulder.

THE COUNTER-SIGN

When those trusty defenders of the country, the Tower Hamlets militia, were doing duty, a fat shopkeeper having fallen asleep when sentry, was called upon to give the watchword. “The watchword!” said another; “ask him for the counter-sign.”

MAKING MONEY GO FAR

Foote and Garrick were at the tavern together, when the former, pulling out his purse to pay the reckoning, asked the other what he should do with a light guinea he had? “Pshaw! it is worth nothing,” says Garrick; “fling it to the devil!” “Well, David,” says the other, “you are what I always took you for, ever contriving to make a guinea go further than any other man.”

COUNSEL’S OPINION

An eminent barrister had a case sent to him for an opinion. The case stated was the most preposterous and improbable that had ever occurred to the mind of man, and concluded by asking, whether, under such circumstances, an action would lie? He took his pen, and wrote, – “Yes if the witnesses will lie too; but not otherwise.”

DEAN SWIFT’S OPINION OF FAULTS

Dean Swift had a shoulder of mutton brought up for his dinner, too much done: he sent for the cook, and told her to take the mutton down, and do it less. “Please your honour, I cannot do it less.” “But,” says the Dean, “if it had not been done enough, you could have done it more, could you not?” “Oh, yes! very easily.” “Why, then,” says the Dean, “for the future, when you commit a fault, let it be such a one as can be mended.”

PLAYING THE FOOL

A lady beating a tune on a table, as destitute of harmony as time, asked another, if she knew what she played? “I do,” answered she; “you play the fool.”

EASIER TO MAKE THAN MEND

Pope, one night crossing the street from Button’s coffee-house, when the moon occasionally peeped through a cloud, was accosted by a link-boy, with “Light, your honour; Light, your honour!” He repeatedly exclaimed, “I don’t want you.” But the lad still following him, he peevishly cried out, “Get about your business, God mend me! I will not give you a farthing; it’s light enough.” “It’s light enough!” echoed the lad; “what’s light enough? your head or your pocket? God mend you, indeed! it would be easier for God Almighty to make two men, than mend one such as you.”

WILLIAM DUKE OF CUMBERLAND

Foote rattling away one evening in his green-room with great wit and brilliancy, as usual, the Duke of Cumberland, who was present, and seemed highly entertained, cried out, “Well, Foote, you see I swallow all your good things.” “Do you, my Lord Duke,” says the other; “why, then, I congratulate you on your digestion; for, by G – d, I believe you never threw up one of them in your life.”

SHERIDAN

When Sheridan’s life was to be insured, Mr. Aaron Graham, the magistrate, was applied to, in order to know whether Mr. Sheridan was, at that period, living a more regular life than usual. “I believe he is,” said the justice; “but understand me; I think he is more regularly tipsy, every night now, than he has been for several years past.”

A TRAFALGAR ANECDOTE

The Belleisle, Captain Haywood, when dismasted, was attacked by five ships at once. Captain H. finding himself thus assailed, looked over the gangway, and, shaking his head at his enemies, involuntarily ejaculated, “I’ll not strike for any of you – no, that I won’t.” A dauntless old quarter-master, who was the captain of the foremast gun on the quarterdeck, hearing what his captain said, immediately remarked, “Who the devil asked you?”

MACPHERSON

When Macpherson’s Homer came out (a book universally decried for a bombastical, affected style), a lady remarked one evening, in a large company, to Dr. Johnson, that she had been endeavouring to read it, but the style appeared so old, she could not go through it with any satisfaction. “You are perfectly right, madam,” says Johnson; “it is as old as the building of Babel.”

WRITING DOWN A CHARACTER

Much about the time of the universal damnation of the above book, the Lord Advocate of Scotland, being in company with a number of beaux esprits, after haranguing with great vehemence and nationality on the general talents of Mr. Macpherson, he asserted there was not a man in England had ever the knack of writing down a character more than he had. “I believe it most sincerely,” says a gentleman present; “and I think he has given a very recent proof of it, by writing down one of the first characters of all antiquity.”

APT QUOTATION

Dr. Paris, author of the well-known work on Diet, observing many of the miners in Cornwall to be deprived of legs and arms, and otherwise maimed, inquired the cause, and was shocked to learn that these men had been exposed for ages to the greatest dangers, from their using a metal in their excavations, which sometimes struck fire, and exploded the blasts prematurely. He immediately suggested a metal which was equally fitted for their trade, and was not liable to this dreadful objection. The poor men, truly grateful for his kindness, afterwards presented him with a piece of plate; on which was the following singularly apt and happy quotation from Virgil: —

“ – Manet altâ mente repostum
Judicium Paridis, spretæque injuria formæ.”

A DYING WIT

An English judge, when about to administer the oath to a dyer, observing his hand to be dark, called out, “Take off your glove.” The dyer, whose hand only bore the usual stain of his profession, promptly rejoined, “Put on your spectacles.”

DRAWINGS OF CORK

Jack Bannister, praising the hospitality of the Irish, after his return from one of his trips to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had been in Cork. “No,” replied the wit, “but I saw a great many drawings of it.”

RELIGION OF SEA CHAPLAINS

When the Earl of Clancarty was captain of a man-of-war, and was cruising off the coast of Guinea, he happened to lose his chaplain, who was carried off by a fever; on which the lieutenant, who was a Scotchman, gave him notice of it, saying at the same time, “that he was sorry to inform him he had died a Roman Catholic.” “Well, so much the better,” said his lordship. “Hout awa, my lord; how can you say so of a British clergyman?” “Why,” said his lordship, “because I believe I am the first captain of a man-of-war that could boast of having a chaplain who had any religion at all.”

A SCOTCH MOON

An English lady was on a visit to a friend in Edinburgh, who was at great pains to point out to her all the delightful prospects of that romantic city. The stranger, assuming an air of consequence, generally answered, “’Tis very well for a Scotch view!” One delightful evening, walking along Queen Street, while the autumnal moon shone with uncommon lustre, her friend could not help expressing her admiration of the resplendent orb of night, when the Cockey remarked, “’Tis pretty well for a Scotch moon!”

NEW MEANING OF THE WORD REMONSTRATE

A worthy farmer in the north of England was once waited upon by a tax-gatherer, who claimed taxes which had been already paid. The receipt had been mislaid, and the farmer could not on the instant produce it. The man of taxes became very abusive; and the farmer, in his own phrase, remonstrated with him. “Well, and to what effect did you remonstrate with him?” asked a friend, who heard the story from the farmer’s own mouth. “I don’t know,” was the reply; “but I know the poker was bent, and I had to get a hammer to straighten it again.”

A BRIDLE FOR THE TONGUE

A young nobleman, full of the follies of youth and the vanities of his rank, was rattling away at a great rate one morning at the Smyrna coffee-house. He, in particular, took great pains to let the company know of what consequence he was abroad, by the number of valuable presents made him at the several courts of Europe: “For instance, now,” says he, “I have got a bridle given me by the King of France, so exceeding rich and elegant, that upon my soul, I do not know what use to make of it.” “A bridle! my lord,” says an old gentleman, who sat in the corner. “Yes, sir,” says his lordship. “Why, then, I think the best use you can make of that is, to put it about your tongue.”

LORD HOLLAND AND THE CHAIRMEN

The late Lord Holland (who was, perhaps, the fattest man of his height in England), and his brother Charles, coming out of the Thatched-house one night together, a chair was called for the former, who, altering his mind, agreed to go home in his brother’s carriage, which was in waiting: the chairmen, however, being disappointed, he gave them a shilling. “Long life to your lordship,” says Paddy; “sixpence more to the poor chairmen.” “What!” says he, “have I not given you your full fare?” “O, yes, your lordship; but consider the fright.”

GARRICK AN ACTOR ON AND OFF THE STAGE

Foote being at supper one night at the Bedford coffee-house, just after Garrick had performed Macbeth, the conversation very naturally turned on the merits of that great performer, when, after many eulogiums on the universality of his powers, it was admitted, on all hands, that he was the first actor on any stage. “By G – d, gentlemen,” says Foote, “I don’t think you have above half said enough of him; for I think him not only the greatest actor on, but off the stage.”[4 - It was from this, perhaps, that Goldsmith took the idea of Garrick’s character in his poem called “Retaliation.”]