The Jealousy of le Barbouillé

The Jealousy of le Barbouillé
Жан-Батист Мольер

Molière

The Jealousy of le Barbouillé / (La Jalousie du Barbouillé)

WITH SHORT INTRODUCTIONS AND EXPLANATORY NOTES BY CHARLES HERON WALL

Among the small farces said to have been sketched by Molière during his stay in the provinces, two only which seem genuine have come down to us, and have been published for the last thirty years with his comedies. These are, 'La Jalousie du Barbouillé,' and 'Le Médecin Volant.' Molière has made use of the former in the third act of the comedy called 'George Dandin.'

Molière acted the part of Le Barbouillé.

PERSONS REPRESENTED

Le Barbouillé, husband to Angélique.

The Doctor.

Angélique.

Valère, lover to Angélique.

Cathau, maid to Angélique.

Gorgibus, father to Angélique.

Villebrequin.

La Vallée.

SCENE I. – LE BARBOUILLÉ

Bar. Everybody must acknowledge that I am the most unfortunate of men! I have a wife who plagues me to death; and who, instead of bringing me comfort and doing things as I like them to be done, makes me swear at her twenty times a day. Instead of keeping at home, she likes gadding about, eating good dinners, and passing her time with people of I don't know what description. Ah! poor Barbouillé, how much you are to be pitied! But she must be punished. Suppose you killed her?.. It would do no good, for you would be hung afterwards. If you were to have her sent to prison?.. The minx would find means of coming out. What the deuce are you to do? – But here is the doctor coming out this way; suppose I ask his advice on my difficulties.

SCENE II. – DOCTOR, LE BARBOUILLÉ

Bar. I was going to fetch you, to beg for your opinion on a question of great importance to me.

Doc. You must be very ill-bred, very loutish, and very badly taught, my friend, to speak to me in that fashion, without first taking off your hat, without observing rationem loci, temporis et personæ. What! you begin by an abrupt speech, instead of saying Salve, vel salvus sis, doctor doctorum eruditissime. What do you take me for, eh?

Bar. Really, doctor, I am very sorry; the fact is that I am almost beside myself, and did not think of what I was doing; but I know you are a gallant man.

Doc. Do you know what gallant man comes from?

Bar. It matters little to me whether it comes from Villejuif or Aubervilliers.

Doc. Know that the word gallant man comes from elegant. By taking the g and the a of the last syllable, that makes ga; then by taking the two ll's, adding a and the two last letters nt, that makes gallant; then by adding man you have gallant man. But to come back to what I said; What do you take me for?

Bar. I take you for a doctor. But let us speak a little of what I have to propose to you. You must know that …

Doc. Let me tell you first that I am not only a doctor, but that I am one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten times doctor. Firstly, number one is the base, the foundation, and the first of all numbers; so am I the first of all doctors, the most learned of the learned. Secondly, there are two faculties essential for a perfect knowledge of things: the sense and the understanding; I am all sense, all understanding: ergo, I am twice doctor.

Bar. Agreed. What I want …

Doc. Thirdly, according to Aristotle, the number three is that of perfection; I am perfect; and every thing I do is perfect: ergo, I am three times doctor.

Bar. Very well then, doctor…

Doc. Fourthly, philosophy is divided into four parts, logic, morals, physics, and metaphysics; I possess all four, and know them perfectly: ergo, I am four times doctor.

Bar. Deuce take it, I don't doubt it. Listen to me then.

Doc. Fifthly, there are five universals: the genus, the species, the differentia, the property, and the accident, without knowing which it is impossible to arrive at any satisfactory conclusions; I make great use of them, and know how important they are; ergo, I am five times doctor.

Bar. I must have patience.

Doc. Sixthly, number six is the number of work; I work incessantly for my own glory; ergo, I am six times doctor.

Bar. Well, well, speak as long as you like.

Doc. Seventhly, the number seven is the number of bliss; I possess a perfect knowledge of all that can produce happiness, and by my talents am happy myself. I am therefore forced to say of myself: O ter quaterque beatum! Eighthly, the number eight is the number of justice, on account of the equality which is found in it; the justice and prudence with which I measure and weigh all my actions make me eight times doctor. Ninthly, there are nine Muses, and I am equally the favourite of them all. Tenthly, one cannot pass number ten without repeating all the other numbers, and it is the universal number. Similarly, when people have found me, they have found the universal doctor; and I am in myself all the other doctors together. Thus, with the help of these plausible, true, demonstrative, and convincing reasons, you see that I am one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten times doctor.

Bar. What the deuce does he mean by all this? I thought I had found a clever man who would give me good advice, and I find a chimney-sweep, who, instead of speaking to me, plays at mora.[1 - An Italian game (Latin, micare digitis), in which one player suddenly raises the hand of which some fingers are shut, and some are open. The other players have to guess the number of fingers raised.] One, two, three, four – ha! ha! – ha! ha! Come, come, that's not it; you must listen to me, and remember that I am not a man to make you lose your time; I shall make it worth your while, and if you can satisfy me in what I want of you, I will give you what you wish – money, if you like.

Doc. Ha! money?

Bar. Yes, money; and whatever you may ask besides.

Doc. (sharply, tucking up his gown behind him). Then you take me for a man who would do anything for money, for a man fond of money, for a mercenary soul? Know, my friend, that if you were to give me a purse full of gold, and that this purse were in a rich box, this box in a precious case, this case in a superb chest, this chest in a rare museum, this museum in a magnificent apartment, this apartment in a gorgeous castle, this castle in a wonderful citadel, this citadel in a celebrated town, this town in a fertile island, this island in an opulent province, this province in a flourishing monarchy, this monarchy in the whole world;[2 - In most editions we find "et que tout le monde où serait cette monarchie florissante," which has no meaning. The correct reading is "et que tu me donnerais le monde où serait," &c.] that if you gave me the world in which this flourishing monarchy would be, in which this opulent province would be, in which this fertile island would be, in which this celebrated town would be, in which this wonderful citadel would be, in which this gorgeous castle would be, in which this pleasant apartment would be, in which this rare museum would be, in which this wonderful chest would be, in which this precious case would be, in which this rich box would be, in which the purse full of gold would be, I should care no more for it than this (snaps his fingers and exit).

Bar. Well. I made a mistake. Seeing him dressed as a doctor, I felt that of necessity I must speak of money to him; but since he does not want any, nothing can be more easy than to satisfy him. I'll run after him. (Runs out.)

SCENE III. – ANGÉLIQUE, VALÈRE, CATHAU

Ang. I assure you, sir, that you will oblige me very much by coming to see me sometimes: my husband is so ugly, so ill-behaved, and such a drunkard, that it is perfect martyrdom for me to be with him, and I ask you what pleasure one can have with such a clown as he is?

Val. You do me too much honour. I promise you I shall do my utmost to amuse you, and since you are kind enough to say that my company is not unpleasant, my care and attentions shall prove to you what pleasure this good news gives me.

Cat. Ay! quick, talk of something else; here's our old bugbear coming.

SCENE IV. – LE BARBOUILLÉ, VALÈRE, ANGÉLIQUE, CATHAU

Val. Mademoiselle,[3 - See 'Impromptu de Versailles,' Sc. i.] I am very sorry to bring you such bad news, but, you would have heard it from some one else, and since your brother is ill…

Ang. Ah! say no more, sir, I am your servant, and thank you very much for the trouble you have taken.

(Exit Valère.)

Bar. Well! what need is there of my having a certificate of my cuckledom from the notary? So! so! you trollop! I find you with a man in spite of all my remonstrances, and you want to send me from Gemini to Capricornus.