13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

• Being mentally strong is not about positive thinking. Thinking overly positive thoughts can be just as detrimental as thinking overly negative thoughts. Mental strength is about thinking realistically and rationally.

• Developing mental strength isn’t about chasing happiness. Being mentally strong will help you to be more content in life, but it isn’t about waking up every day and trying to force yourself to feel happy. Instead, it’s about making the decisions that will help you reach your full potential.

• Mental strength isn’t just the latest pop psychology trend. Just like the physical fitness world is filled with fad diets and fitness trends, the world of psychology is often filled with fleeting ideas about how to become your best self. Mental strength isn’t a trend. The psychology field has been helping people learn how to change their thoughts, feelings, and behavior since the 1960s.

• Mental strength isn’t synonymous with mental health. While the healthcare industry often talks in terms of mental health versus mental illness, mental strength is different. Just like people can still be physically strong even if they have a physical health ailment like diabetes, you can still be mentally strong even if you have depression, anxiety, or other mental health problems. Having a mental illness doesn’t mean you’re destined to have bad habits. Instead, you can still choose to develop healthy habits. It may require more work, more focus, and more effort, but it’s very possible.

The Benefits of Mental Strength

It’s often easy to feel mentally strong when life is going well, but at times problems arise. A job loss, a natural disaster, an illness in the family, or a death of a loved one is sometimes inevitable. When you’re mentally strong, you’ll be more prepared to deal with life’s challenges. Benefits of increasing your mental strength include:

• Increased resilience to stress—Mental strength is helpful in everyday life, not just in the midst of a crisis. You’ll become better equipped to handle problems more efficiently and effectively, and it can reduce your overall stress level.

• Improved life satisfaction—As your mental strength increases, your confidence will also increase. You’ll behave according to your values, which will give you peace of mind, and you’ll recognize what’s really important in your life.

• Enhanced performance—Whether your goal is to be a better parent, to increase your productivity at the office, or to perform better on the athletic field, increasing your mental strength will help you reach your full potential.

How to Develop Mental Strength

You’ll never become an expert at anything by simply reading a book. Athletes don’t become elite competitors after reading about their sport nor do top musicians increase their musical abilities by simply watching other performers play. They also have to practice.

The following thirteen chapters aren’t meant to be a checklist that you either do or don’t do. They are a description of habits that everyone falls prey to sometimes. It’s meant to help you find better ways to cope with life’s challenges so you can avoid these pitfalls. It’s about growing, improving, and striving to become a little better than you were yesterday.

Chapter 1 (#ulink_9fe12e09-a9e7-5de6-b710-2f5d55ec01a0)

They Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves (#ulink_9fe12e09-a9e7-5de6-b710-2f5d55ec01a0)

Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality. —JOHN GARDNER

During the weeks that followed Jack’s accident, his mother couldn’t stop talking about the “horrible incident.” Every day she recounted the story about how both of Jack’s legs were broken when he was hit by a school bus. She felt guilty that she wasn’t there to protect him, and seeing him in a wheelchair for several weeks was almost more than she could bear.

Although doctors had predicted a complete recovery, she repeatedly warned Jack that his legs may never fully heal. She wanted him to be aware that he may not be able to play soccer or run around like the other kids ever again, just in case there was a problem.

Although his doctors had medically cleared him to return to school, his parents decided that Jack’s mother would quit her job and homeschool him for the remainder of the year. They felt that seeing and hearing school buses each day might trigger too many bad memories. They also wanted to spare him from having to watch idly from his wheelchair as his friends played at recess. They hoped that staying home would help Jack heal faster, both emotionally and physically.

Jack usually completed his homeschool work in the mornings and he spent his afternoons and evenings watching TV and playing video games. Within a few weeks, his parents noticed that his mood seemed to change. A normally upbeat and happy child, Jack became irritable and sad. His parents grew concerned that the accident may have traumatized him even more than they’d imagined. They pursued therapy in hopes it could help Jack deal with his emotional scars.

Jack’s parents took him to a well-known therapist with expertise in childhood trauma. The therapist had received the referral from Jack’s pediatrician, so she knew a little bit about Jack’s experience prior to meeting him.

When Jack’s mother wheeled him into the therapist’s office, Jack stared silently at the floor. His mother began by saying, “We’re having such a hard time since this terrible accident. It’s really ruined our lives and caused a lot of emotional problems for Jack. He’s just not the same little boy.”

To his mother’s surprise, the therapist didn’t respond with sympathy. Instead she enthusiastically said, “Boy, have I been looking forward to meeting you, Jack! I’ve never met a kid who could beat a school bus! You have to tell me, how did you manage to get into a fight with a school bus and win?” For the first time since the accident Jack smiled.

Over the next few weeks, Jack worked with his therapist on making his own book. He appropriately named it, How to Beat a School Bus. He created a wonderful story about how he managed to fight a school bus and escape with only a few broken bones.

He embellished on the story by describing how he grabbed hold of the muffler, swung himself around, and protected the majority of his body from getting hit by the bus. Despite the exaggerated details, the main part of the story remained the same—he survived because he’s a tough kid. Jack concluded his book with a self-portrait. He drew himself sitting in a wheelchair wearing a superhero cape.

The therapist included Jack’s parents in the treatment. She helped them see how fortunate they were that Jack survived with only a few broken bones. She encouraged his parents to stop feeling sorry for Jack. She recommended they treat him like a mentally and physically tough kid who was capable of overcoming great adversity. Even if his legs didn’t heal properly, she wanted them to focus on what Jack could still accomplish in life, not what the accident would prevent him from being able to do.

The therapist and Jack’s parents worked with the school faculty and staff to prepare for Jack’s return to school. In addition to the special accommodations he’d need because he was still in a wheelchair, they wanted to ensure that the other students and teachers didn’t pity Jack. They arranged for Jack to share his book with his classmates so that he could tell them how he beat the school bus and show them that there was no reason to feel sorry for him.

Self-Pity Party

We all experience pain and sorrow in life. And although sadness is a normal, healthy emotion, dwelling on your sorrow and misfortune is self-destructive. Do you respond positively to any of the points below?

You tend to think your problems are worse than anyone else’s.

If it weren’t for bad luck, you’re pretty sure you’d have none at all.

Problems seem to add up for you at a much faster rate than anyone else.

You’re fairly certain that no one else truly understands how hard your life really is.

You sometimes choose to withdraw from leisure activities and social engagements so you can stay home and think about your problems.

You’re more likely to tell people what went wrong during your day rather than what went well.

You often complain about things not being fair.

You struggle to find anything to be grateful for sometimes.

You think that other people are blessed with easier lives.

You sometimes wonder if the world is out to get you.

Can you see yourself in some of the examples above? Self-pity can consume you until it eventually changes your thoughts and behaviors. But you can choose to take control. Even when you can’t alter your circumstances, you can alter your attitude.

Why We Feel Sorry for Ourselves

If self-pity is so destructive, why do we do it in the first place? And why is it sometimes so easy and even comforting to indulge in a pity party? Pity was Jack’s parents’ defense mechanism to protect their son and themselves from future dangers. They chose to remain focused on what he couldn’t do as a way to shield him from having to face any more potential problems.

Understandably, they worried about his safety more than ever. They didn’t want him to be out of their sight. And they were concerned about the emotional reaction he might have to seeing a school bus again. It was only a matter of time before the pity poured on Jack turned into his own self-pity.

It’s so easy to fall into the self-pity trap. As long as you feel sorry for yourself, you can delay any circumstances that will bring you face-to-face with your real fears, and you can avoid taking any responsibility for your actions. Feeling sorry for yourself can buy time. Instead of taking action or moving forward, exaggerating how bad your situation is justifies why you shouldn’t do anything to improve it.

People often use self-pity as a way to gain attention. Playing the “poor me” card may result in some kind and gentle words from others—at least initially. For people who fear rejection, self-pity can be an indirect way of gaining help by sharing a woe-is-me tale in hopes it will attract some assistance.

Unfortunately, misery loves company, and sometimes self-pity becomes a bragging right. A conversation can turn into a contest, with the person who has experienced the most trauma earning the badge of victory. Self-pity can also provide a reason to avoid responsibility. Telling your boss how bad your life is may stem from hopes that less will be expected from you.

Sometimes self-pity becomes an act of defiance. It’s almost as if we assume that something will change if we dig in our heels and remind the universe that we deserve better. But that’s not how the world works. There isn’t a higher being—or a human being for that matter—who will swoop in and make sure we’re all dealt a fair hand in life.

The Problem with Feeling Sorry for Yourself

Feeling sorry for yourself is self-destructive. It leads to new problems and can have serious consequences. Instead of feeling grateful that Jack survived the accident, his parents worried about what the accident took away from them. As a result, they allowed the accident to take away even more.

That’s not to say they weren’t loving parents. Their behavior stemmed from a desire to keep their son safe. However, the more they pitied Jack, the more negatively it affected his mood.

Indulging in self-pity hinders living a full life in the following ways: