13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

• What evidence do I have this isn’t true? Look for times when you have put in a lot of effort and have been a hard worker.

• Why might this person be giving me this feedback? Take a step back and see if you can find out why this person may be giving you negative feedback. Is it based on the small sampling of your behavior that the person has witnessed? For example, if your boss only watched you work on a day where you were coming down with the flu, she may decide that you aren’t very productive. Her conclusion may not be accurate.

• Do I want to change any of my behavior? There may be times where you choose to change your behavior because you agree with the other person’s criticism. For example, if your boss says you’re lazy, maybe you’ll decide that you haven’t been putting in as much effort at the office as you could. So you decide to start showing up early and staying late because it’s important to you to be a good worker. Just remember, though, that your boss isn’t forcing you to do anything different. You are choosing to create change because you want to, not because you have to.

Keep in mind that one person’s opinion of you doesn’t make it true. You can respectfully choose to disagree and move on without devoting time and energy into trying to change the other person’s mind.

Recognize Your Choices

There are very few things in life you have to do, but often we convince ourselves we don’t have a choice. Instead of saying, “I have to go to work tomorrow,” remind yourself that it’s a choice. If you choose not to go to work, there will be consequences. Perhaps you won’t get paid. Or maybe you’ll risk losing your job altogether. But it’s a choice.

Simply reminding yourself that you have a choice in everything you do, think, and feel can be very freeing. If you’ve spent most of your life feeling like a victim of your circumstances, it takes hard work to recognize that you have the power to create the kind of life you want to live.

Taking back Your Power will make You Stronger

You don’t get to be named one of the most powerful people in the world by giving away your power. Just ask Oprah Winfrey. She grew up in extreme poverty and was sexually abused by several people throughout her childhood. She bounced between living with her mother, father, and grandmother, and as a teenager, she frequently ran away from home. She became pregnant at age fourteen, but the infant died shortly after birth.

During her high school years, she began working at a local radio station. She worked her way through several media jobs, and eventually, she landed a job as a TV news anchor. But she was later fired from the position.

She didn’t allow one person’s opinion of her on-air suitability to stop her, however. She went on to create her own talk show and by the age of thirty-two, her show became a national hit. By the age of forty-one, she had a reported net worth of over $340 million. Oprah has started her own magazine, radio show, and TV network and has coauthored five books. She’s even won an Academy Award. She’s started a multitude of charities to help people in need, including a leadership academy for girls in South Africa.

Oprah didn’t let her childhood or her former employer take away her power. A woman who was once teased because she was so poor she wore potato sacks as dresses was named one of the world’s most powerful women by both CNN and Time. Statistically, her upbringing would have predicted a poor prognosis. But Oprah refused to be a statistic. She chose to define who she was going to be in life by not giving away her power.

When you decide that no one else has the power to control how you feel, you’ll experience empowerment. Here are some other ways how retaining your power will help you become mentally strong:

• You’ll develop a better sense of who you are when you’re able to make choices based on what’s best for you instead of what will prevent the most repercussions.

• When you take responsibility for your own behavior, you’ll become accountable for your progress toward your goals.

• You will never be pressured into doing something that you don’t want to do based on guilt trips or what you think other people want you to do.

• You’ll be able to devote your time and energy to things you choose. You won’t have to blame other people for wasting your time or ruining your day.

• Retaining your personal power reduces your risk of depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. Many mental health problems are linked to a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. When you decide not to give other people and external circumstances the power to control how you feel and behave, you gain more power over your mental health.

When you hold a grudge, those feelings of anger and resentment do nothing to lessen the other person’s life. Instead, harboring anger and resentment gives that person more power to interfere with your quality of life. Choosing to forgive allows you to take back your power, not just over your psychological health, but also over your physical health. Research shows some of the health benefits of forgiveness include the following:

• Forgiveness reduces your stress. Over the years, many studies have shown that holding a grudge keeps your body in a state of stress. When you practice forgiveness, your blood pressure and heart rate decrease.

• Choosing to forgive increases your tolerance to pain. In a 2005 study of patients with chronic low back pain, anger increased psychological distress and decreased a person’s tolerance to pain. A willingness to forgive was associated with increased pain tolerance.

• Unconditional forgiveness can help you to live longer. A 2012 study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine discovered that when people were only willing to forgive others under certain conditions—like the other person apologized or promised to never repeat the same behavior—their risk of dying early actually increased. You don’t have any control over whether someone will apologize. Waiting to forgive people until they say they’re sorry gives them control over not just your life, but perhaps even your death.

Troubleshooting and Common Traps

Monitor your personal power and look for ways in which you are voluntarily giving it away. It takes hard work, but increasing your mental strength requires you to retain every ounce of personal power for yourself.

What’s Helpful

Using language that acknowledges your choice such as, “I’m choosing to . . .”

Setting healthy emotional and physical boundaries with people

Behaving proactively by making conscious choices about how you’ll respond to others

Taking full responsibility for how you choose to spend your time and energy

Choosing to forgive individuals regardless of whether they seek to make amends

Willingness to examine feedback and criticism without jumping to conclusions

What’s Not Helpful

Using language that implies you’re a victim, such as “I have to do this,” or “My boss makes me so mad”

Feeling anger and resentment toward people you allow to infringe on your rights

Reacting to others and then blaming them for the way you handled yourself

Doing things you don’t want to do and then blaming others for “making” you do it

Choosing to hold a grudge and harbor anger and resentment

Allowing feedback and criticism to control how you feel about yourself

Chapter 3 (#ulink_bdae6052-0de4-5534-b0d7-00753f758180)

They Don’t Shy away from Change (#ulink_bdae6052-0de4-5534-b0d7-00753f758180)

It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t . . . It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not. —JAMES GORDON

Richard entered my therapy office because he wasn’t making much progress in managing his physical health. At the age of forty-four, he was seventy-five pounds overweight and had recently been diagnosed with diabetes.

Shortly after his diagnosis, he’d met with a nutritionist and learned about the diet changes he’d need to make to lose weight and manage his blood sugar. Initially, he tried eliminating all the junk food he had always eaten so regularly. He’d gone so far as to throw away all the ice cream, cookies, and sugary soft drinks he had in his home. But within two days, he found himself buying more sweets and resorting to his old habits.

He was also aware that he’d need to increase his activity level if he wanted to get healthier. After all, he was no stranger to exercise. Back in high school, he’d been a star athlete on the football field and the basketball court. But these days, he spent the majority of his time sitting behind a computer. He worked long hours and wasn’t sure how he’d find the time to exercise. He’d purchased a gym membership, but he’d only gone to the gym twice. He usually came home from work exhausted, and he already felt like he wasn’t spending enough time with his wife and children.

Richard told me that he really wanted to get healthier. But he felt frustrated. Despite understanding the risks of being overweight and the dangers of not managing his diabetes, he just couldn’t motivate himself to change his unhealthy habits.

It was clear that he was trying to change too much too fast, which is a recipe for failure. I recommended he choose one thing to change at a time and for the first week, he said he’d give up the cookies he usually ate at his desk during the afternoon. It was important to find something to replace that habit with—and he decided he would try snacking on carrot sticks instead.

I also recommended he gain support to help him become healthier. He agreed to attend a diabetes support group. And over the next few weeks we discussed strategies to help get his family involved. His wife attended a few therapy sessions with him, and she began to understand steps she could take to help Richard improve his health. She agreed not to buy as much junk food when she went grocery shopping, and she began working with Richard on finding healthier recipes for their meals.

We also discussed a realistic exercise schedule. Richard said that almost every day he left the house planning to go to the gym after work, but he always talked himself out of it and went straight home. We decided he’d start by going to the gym three days a week and he scheduled those three days ahead of time. He also kept a list of all the reasons why going to the gym was a good idea in the car. On the days when he began thinking that he should just go home instead of going to the gym, he read over his list as a reminder about why going to the gym was the best choice, even if he didn’t feel like it.

Over the next two months, Richard began losing weight. But his blood sugar was still fairly high. He admitted that he was still eating a lot of junk food in the evenings while he watched TV. I encouraged him to find ways to make it less convenient for him to reach for sugary snacks, so he decided that he’d keep the sweet treats downstairs in the basement. Then, when he wandered into the kitchen in the evenings, he’d be more likely to reach for a healthy snack. If he still wanted cookies, he’d have to think about whether he wanted to go down to the basement to get them and most of the time, he found that he was more motivated to reach for a healthier snack. As soon as he started making progress, he found it easier to make more changes. Eventually, he was able to feel more inspired to lose weight and manage his blood sugar.

To Change or Not to Change