13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

Although it’s often easy to say you want to change, successfully making a change is hard. Our thoughts and emotions often prevent us from creating behavioral change, even when it will improve our lives.

Many people shy away from making changes that can drastically improve their lives. See if any of the following apply to you:

You tend to justify a bad habit by convincing yourself what you’re doing isn’t “that bad.”

You experience a lot of anxiety about changes to your routine.

Even when you’re in a bad situation, you worry that making a change might make things worse.

Whenever you attempt to make a change, you struggle to stick with it.

When your boss, family, or friends make changes that affect you, it’s difficult for you to adapt.

You think a lot about making changes but put off doing anything different until later.

You worry that any changes you make aren’t likely to last.

The thought of stepping outside your comfort zone just seems too scary.

You lack the motivation to create positive change because it’s too hard.

You make excuses for why you can’t change, like “I’d like to exercise more, but my spouse doesn’t want to go with me.”

You have difficulty recalling the last time you purposely tried to challenge yourself to become better.

You hesitate to do anything new because it just seems like too big of a commitment.

Do any of the above examples sound familiar? Although circumstances can change quickly, humans often change at a much slower pace. Choosing to do something different requires you to adapt your thinking and your behavior, which will likely bring up some uncomfortable emotions. But that doesn’t mean you should shy away from change.

Why We Shy away from Change

Initially, Richard tried to change too much too fast and he quickly became overwhelmed. Whenever he thought, This is going to be too hard, he allowed himself to give up. As soon as he began seeing some positive results, however, his thoughts became more positive and it was easier for him to stay motivated. Many people shy away from change because they think that doing something different is too risky or uncomfortable.

Types of Change

We can experience different types of change, some you might find easier than others:

• All-or-nothing change—Some changes are incremental while others are basically all or nothing. Deciding to have a child, for example, isn’t something you can do in steps. Once you have that baby, your life has irrevocably changed.

• Habit change—You can choose to either get rid of bad habits, like sleeping too late, or you can choose to create good habits, like exercising five times a week. Most habit changes allow you to try something new for a little while, but you can always revert back to your old habits.

• Trying-something-new change—Change sometimes involves trying something new or mixing up your daily routine, like volunteering at a hospital or taking violin lessons.

• Behavioral change—Sometimes there are behavioral changes that don’t necessarily constitute a habit. For example, maybe you want to commit to going to all of your child’s sports games or maybe you want to behave friendlier.

• Emotional change—Not all change is tangible. Sometimes it’s emotional. For example, if you want to feel less irritable all the time, you’ll need to examine the thoughts and behaviors that contribute to your irritability.

• Cognitive change—There may be ways in which you want to change your thinking as well. Perhaps you want to think less about the past or maybe decrease worrisome thoughts.

Readiness for Change

New Year’s resolutions are commonly broken, because we try to make changes based on a date and not because we’re really ready. And if you aren’t ready to create change, you likely won’t be successful at maintaining it. Even changing one small habit, like deciding you’ll floss your teeth every day or giving up your bedtime snack, requires a certain level of commitment.

The Five Stages of Change

1. Precontemplation—When people are precontemplative, they don’t yet identify any need to change. Richard was precontemplative about making any changes to his health for years. He avoided going to the doctor, he refused to step on a scale, and he dismissed any comments his wife made when she expressed concern about his health.

2. Contemplation—People who are actively contemplative are considering the pros and cons of making a change. When I first saw Richard, he was contemplative. He was aware that not changing his eating habits could have serious consequences, but he was also not yet certain how to go about creating change.

3. Preparation—This is the stage where people prepare to make a change. They establish a plan with concrete steps that identify what they are going to do differently. Once Richard moved into the preparation stage, he scheduled days to work out and chose one snack to swap for something healthier.

4. Action—This is where the concrete behavioral change takes place. Richard started going to the gym and swapped his afternoon cookies for carrots.

5. Maintenance—This often overlooked step is essential. Richard needed to plan ahead so he could maintain his lifestyle changes when he faced obstacles, like holidays or vacations.

Fear

When I met Andrew, he was stuck in a low-paying job that didn’t challenge him. He had a college degree—and the student loans to prove it—but he was working in a field that didn’t use any of his skills. There was little opportunity for advancement.

A few months prior to our first session, he’d gotten into a car accident. Not only was his car totaled, but he’d racked up some hefty medical bills. He was underinsured in terms of both his health and his vehicle, and he was experiencing serious financial problems.

Despite feeling a lot of stress about his financial situation, Andrew was afraid to apply for new jobs. He worried that he might not like a different job, and he lacked confidence in his skills. He also dreaded the thought of getting used to a new office, a new boss, and different coworkers.

I helped Andrew examine the pros and cons of a job change. Once Andrew developed a budget, he was able to examine the facts of the situation. Staying at his current job would make it impossible to pay for his bills each month. Even without a single unexpected expense, he would be at least $200 shy of paying his bills. Facing this reality gave Andrew the motivation he needed to begin applying for new jobs. The fear of not being able to pay his bills had to outweigh the fear of getting a new job that paid better.

Just like Andrew, many people worry that doing something different may make things even worse. Maybe you don’t like the house you’re living in, but you worry that a new home could have even bigger problems. Or maybe you worry about ending a relationship because you are afraid you won’t ever find anyone better. So you convince yourself to keep things the same, even if you’re not happy.

Avoiding Discomfort

Many people associate change with discomfort. And often, they underestimate their ability to tolerate the discomfort that accompanies a behavioral change. Richard knew what changes he needed to make to improve his health, but he didn’t want to give up foods he liked or feel the pain that accompanies a workout. And he worried that losing weight meant he’d have to be hungry. He dreaded all those realities, but he didn’t realize that these slight discomforts were just that, and nothing worse. It wasn’t until he began gaining confidence in his ability to tolerate discomfort that he truly felt like making further changes.

Grief

Tiffany came to therapy because she wanted to change her spending habits. Her shopping had become out of control, and she felt stressed because she was carrying around huge credit card balances. She didn’t want to keep spending but at the same time, she didn’t want to change. When we discussed some of her concerns about what would happen if she tried to stick to a budget, she discovered that she didn’t want to give up time with her friends, because she and her girlfriends often spent Saturday afternoons shopping together. She thought the only way to curb her spending meant giving up time with her friends, which she feared would lead to loneliness.

Doing something different means giving something up. And there’s often a grief associated with leaving something behind. To spare ourselves this grief, we can convince ourselves not to change. Tiffany would have rather held on to her girls’ day at the mall than avoid financial ruin.

The Problem with Shying Away from Change

Shying away from change can have serious consequences. In Richard’s case, continuing his current habits would likely take a serious toll on his health. The longer he delayed making change, the more irreversible damage he was likely to suffer.

But avoiding change doesn’t always have just physical consequences. Remaining stagnant can also interfere with personal growth in other areas of your life.

• Staying the same often equals getting stuck in a rut. Life can get pretty boring if you don’t do anything differently. A person who simply decides to keep things as mundane and low-key as possible isn’t likely to experience a rich, full life and might become depressed.

• You won’t learn new things. The world will change with or without you. Don’t think that your choice not to change will prevent anyone else from embracing change. You’ll risk being left in the dust if you choose to keep doing everything the same for the rest of your life.

• Your life may not get better. If you don’t change, you can’t make your life better. Many problems that are waiting to be solved require you to do something different. But if you aren’t willing to try something new, those issues are likely to remain unresolved.