Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas

I strolled with me awm round a deah little gairl,
And whethaw I kissed har yaw'd like me to tairl —
Well, I'd rawthah you didn't inquiah!

All golden her hair is,
She's Queen of the Fairies,
And known by the name of the lovely Mariah,
She's a regular Venus,
But what passed between us,
I'd very much rawthah you didn't inquiah!

Next the Lady Serio,
Mincing as she walks;
If a note's too high for her,
She doesn't sing – she talks,
What she thinks about the men
You're pretty sure to learn,
She always has a hit at them,
Before she's done her "turn!"

Illustration

You notty young men, ow! you notty young men!
You tell us you're toffs, and the real Upper Ten,
But behind all your ears is the mark of a pen!
So don't you deceive us, you notty young men!
Miss J. J. (concluding). And such, Sir, are these entertainments grand,
In which Mirth and Refinement go 'and-in-'and!
[As the Duke is expressing his appreciation of the elevating effect of such performances, the Butler rushes in, followed by two flurried Footmen.
Butler. Pardon this interruption, my Lord, but I come to announce the fact
That by armed house-breakers the pantry has just been attacked!
Duke. Then we'll repel them – each to his weapons look!
I know how to defend my property, although I am a Dook!
Miss J. (snatching sword from one of the men-in-armour).
With such a weapon I their hash will settle!
You'll lend it, won't yer, old Britannia Metal?
[Shouts and firing without; the Footmen hide under sofa.
Let flunkeys flee – though danger may encircle us,
A British Buttons ain't afeard of Burgulars!

[Tremendous firing, during which the Burglars are supposed to be repulsed with heavy loss by the Duke, Butler, and Page.

Miss J.'Ere – I say, Dook, I saved yer life, didn't yer know?
(A parting shot, upon which she staggers back with a ringing scream.)
The Brutes! they've been and shot me!.. Mother!.. Oh!

[Dies in lime-light and great agony; the Footmen come out from under sofa and regard with sorrowing admiration the lifeless form of the Little Crossing-sweeper, which the Duke, as curtain falls, covers reverently with the best table-cloth.

ii.– JOE, THE JAM-EATER

A MUSICAL SPECTACULAR AND SENSATIONAL INTERLUDE

(Dedicated respectfully to Mr. McDougall and the L. C. C.)

The Music-hall Dramatist, like Shakspeare and Molière, has a right to take his material from any source that may seem good to him. Mr. Punch, therefore, makes no secret of the fact, that he has based the following piece upon the well-known poem of "The Purloiner," by the Sisters Jane and Ann Taylor, who were not, as might be too hastily concluded, "Song and Dance Duettists," but two estimable ladies, who composed "cautionary" verses for the young, and whose works are a perfect mine of wealth for Moral Dramatists. In this dramatic version the Author has tried to infuse something of the old Greek sense of an overruling destiny, without detriment to prevailing ideas of moral responsibility. Those who have the misfortune to be born with a propensity for illicit jam, may learn from our Drama the terrible results of failing to overcome it early in life.

JOE, THE JAM-EATER

Dramatis Personæ

Jam-Loving Joe. By that renowned Melodramatic Serio-Comic, Miss Connie Curdler.

Joe's Mother (the very part for Mrs. Bancroftif she can only be induced to make her reappearance).

John, a Gardener. By the great Pink-eyed Unmusical Zulu.

Jim-Jam, the Fermentation Fiend. By Mr. Beerbohm Tree (who has kindly consented to undertake the part).

Chorus of Plum and Pear Gatherers, from the Savoy (by kind permission of Mr. D'oyly Carte).

Scene —The Store-room at sunset with view of exterior of Jam Cupboard, and orchard in distance.

Enter Joe

"As Joe was at play, Near the cupboard one day, When he thought no one saw but himself." —Vide Poem.
Joe (dreamily.) 'Tis passing strange that I so partial am
To playing in the neighbourhood of Jam!

[Here Miss Curdlerwill introduce her great humorous Satirical Medley illustrative of the Sports of Childhood, and entitled, "Some little Gymes we all of us 'ave Plied;" after which, Enter Joe'sMother, followed by Johnand the Chorus, with baskets, ladders, &c., for gathering fruit.

"His Mother and John, To the garden had gone, To gather ripe pears and ripe plums." —Poem

Joe's Mother (with forced cheerfulness) —

Let's hope, my friends, to find our pears and plums,
Unharmed by wopses, and untouched by wums.

    [Chorus signify assent in the usual manner by holding up the right hand.

Solo– John

Fruit, when gathered ripe, is wholesome —
Otherwise if eaten green.
Once I know a boy who stole some —

    [With a glance at Joe, who turns aside to conceal his confusion.
His internal pangs were keen!
Chorus (virtuously). 'Tis the doom of all who're mean,
Their internal pangs are keen!
Joe's Mother (aside). By what misgivings is a mother tortured!