Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas

Monster. No – I'll only eat yer!

[Thomasslowly vanishes down its cavernous jaws; faint yells are heard at intervals – then nothing but a dull champing sound; after which, dead silence. The Monster smiles, with an air of repletion.

Re-enter William, from r., with Benjamin

Benjamin. I'm very glad you came – but where is Thomas?
Wm. (severely). Tom is a wicked boy, and better from us,
For on the road he stopped to scale a wall!..

[Sees Man-trap, and starts

What's that?
Benj. It will not hurt good boys at all —
It's only Father's Man-trap – why so pale?
Wm. The self-same tree! … the wall that Tom would scale!
Where's Thomas now? Ah, Tom, the wilful pride of you.

    [The Man-trap affects an elaborate unconsciousness.
Benj. (with sudden enlightenment). Man-trap, I do believe poor Tom's inside of you!
That sort of smile's exceedingly suspicious.

[The Man-trap endeavours to hide in the grass

Wm. Ah, Monster, give him back – 'tis true he's vicious,
And had no business to go making free with you!
But think, so bad a boy will disagree with you!

[Williamand Benjaminkneel in attitudes of entreaty on either side of the Man-trap, which shows signs of increasing emotion as the song proceeds.

Benjamin (sings)

Man-trap, bitter our distress is
That you have unkindly penned
In your innermost recesses
One who used to be our friend!

William (sings)

In his downward course arrest him!
(He may take a virtuous tack);
Pause awhile, ere you digest him,
Make an effort – bring him back!

[The Man-trap is convulsed by a violent heave; William and Benjaminbend forward in an agony of expectation, until a small shoe and the leg of Thomas'spantaloons are finally emitted from the Monster's jaws.

Benj. (exultantly). See, William, now he's coming … here's his shoe for you!
The Man-trap (with an accent of genuine regret). I'm sorry – but that's all that I can do for you!
Wm. (raising the shoe and the leg of pantaloons, and holding them sorrowfully at arm's length).
He's met the fate which moralists all promise is
The end of such depraved careers as Thomas's!
Oh, Benjamin, take warning by it be-time!
(More brightly). But now to wash our hands – 'tis nearly tea-time!

[Exeunt William and Benjamin, to wash their hands, as Curtain falls. N.B. This finale is more truly artistic, and in accordance with modern dramatic ideas, than the conventional "picture."

iv.– THE FATAL PIN

Our present example is pure tragedy of the most ambitious kind, and is, perhaps, a little in advance of the taste of a Music-hall audience of the present day. When the fusion between the Theatres and the Music Halls is complete – when Miss Bessie Bellwood sings "What Cheer, 'Ria?" at the Lyceum, and Mr. Henry Irving gives his compressed version of Hamlet at the Trocadero; when there is a general levelling-up of culture, and removal of prejudice – then, and not till then, will this powerful little play meet with the appreciation which is its due. The main idea is suggested by the Misses Taylor's well-known poem, The Pin, though the dramatist has gone further than the poetess in working out the notion of Nemesis.

THE FATAL PIN

A TRAGEDY

Dramatis Personæ.

Scene. – Emily'sBoudoir, sumptuously furnished with a screen and sofa, c.Door, r., leading to Emily'sBed-chamber. Door, l. Emilydiscovered in loose wrapper, and reclining in uncomfortable position on sofa.

Emily (dreamily). This day do I become the envied bride
Of Peter, justly surnamed Paragon;
And much I wonder what in me he found
(He, who Perfection so personifies)
That he could condescend an eye to cast
On faulty feather-headed Emily!
How solemn is the stillness all around me!

[A loud bang is heard behind screen

Methought I heard the dropping of a pin! —
Perhaps I should arise and search for it…
Yet why, on second thoughts, disturb myself,
Since I am, by my settlements, to have
A handsome sum allowed for pin-money?
Nay, since thou claim'st thy freedom, little pin,
I lack the heart to keep thee prisoner.
Go, then, and join the great majority
Of fallen, vagrant, unregarded pinhood —
My bliss is too supreme at such an hour
To heed such infidelities as thine.

[Falls into a happy reverie

Enter First and Second Bridesmaids

First and Second Bridesmaids. What, how now, Emily – not yet attired?
Nay, haste, for Peter will be here anon!

[They hurry her off by r.door, just as Peter Paragonenters l.in bridal array. N.B. – The exigencies of the Drama are responsible for his making his appearance here, instead of waiting, as is more usual, at the church.

Peter (meditatively). The golden sands of my celibacy