Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas

    [Aside.
(To Brunette.) Brunette, my love, I know such a pretty game we'll play at —
Poor Timburina's ill, and the seaside she ought to stay at.
(The Serpentine's the seaside, let's pretend.)
And you shall take her there – (hypocritically) – you're such a friend!
Br. (with simplicity). Oh, yes, that will be splendid, Blanchidine,
And then we can go and have a dip in a bathing-machine!

[Blan. resigns the wooden doll to Brun., who skips off with it, l., as Fanny Furbelowenters r., carrying a magnificent wax doll.

Fanny (languidly). Ah, howdy do —isn't this heat too
frightful? And so you're quite alone?
Bl. (nervously.) Oh,quite– oh yes, I always am alone,
when there's nobody with me.

[This is a little specimen of the Lady's humorous "gag," at which she is justly considered a proficient.

Fanny (drawling). Delightful!
When I was wondering, only a little while ago,
If I should meet a creature that I know;
Allow me – my new doll, the Lady Minnie!

    [Introducing doll.
Bl. (rapturously). Oh, what a perfect love!
Fanny. She ought to be – for a guinea!
Here, you may nurse her for a little while.
Be careful, for her frock's the latest style.

[Gives Blan.the wax doll

She's the best wax, and has three changes of clothing —
For those cheap wooden dolls I've quite a loathing.
Bl. (hastily). Oh, so have I– they're not to be endured!
Re-enter Brunettewith the wooden doll, which she tries to press upon Blanchidine, much to the latter's confusion.
Br. I've brought poor Timburina back, completely cured!
Why, aren't you pleased? Your face is looking so cloudy!
F. (haughtily). Is she a friend of yours– this little dowdy? [Slow music.
Bl. (after an internal struggle). Oh, no, what an idea!
Why, I don't even know her by name!
Some vulgar child …

[Lets the wax doll fall unregarded on the gravel

Br. (indignantly). Oh, what a horrid shame!
I see now why you sent us to the Serpentine!
Bl. (heartlessly). There's no occasion to flare up like turpentine.
Br. (ungrammatically). I'mnot! Disown your doll, and thrust me, too, aside!
The one thing left for both of us is – suicide!
Yes, Timburina, us no more she cherishes —
(Bitterly.) Well, the Round Pond a handy place to perish is!

[Rushes off stage with wooden doll

Bl. (making a feeble attempt to follow). Come back, Brunette; don't leave me thus, in charity!
F. (with contempt). Well, I'll be off – since you seem to prefer vulgarity.
Bl. No, stay – but – ah, she said – what if she meant it?
F. Not she! And, if she did, we can't prevent it.
Bl. (relieved). That's true – we'll play, and think no more about her.
F. (sarcastically). We may just manage to get on without her!
So come – (Perceives doll lying face upwards on path.)
You odious girl, what have you done?
Left Lady Minnie lying in the blazing sun!
'Twas done on purpose – oh, you thing perfidious! [Stamps.
You knew she'd melt, and get completely hideous!
Don't answer me, Miss – I wish we'd never met.
You're only fit for persons like Brunette!

[Picks up doll, and exit in passion

Grand Sensation Descriptive Soliloquy, by Blanchidine, to Melodramatic Music.

Bl. Gone! Ah, I am rightly punished! What would I not give now to have homely little Brunette, and dear old wooden-headed Timburina back again! She wouldn't melt in the sun… Where are they now? Great Heavens! that threat – that rash resolve … I remember all! 'Twas in the direction of the Pond they vanished. (Peeping anxiously between trees.) Are they still in sight? … Yes, I see them? Brunette has reached the water's edge … What is she purposing! Now she kneels on the rough gravel; she is making Timburina kneel too! How calm and resolute they both appear! (Shuddering.) I dare not look further – but ah, I must —I must!.. Horror! I saw her boots flash for an instant in the bright sunlight: and now the ripples have closed, smiling, over her little black stockings!.. Help! – save her, somebody! – help!.. Joy! a gentleman has appeared on the scene – how handsome, how brave he looks! He has taken in the situation at a glance! With quiet composure he removes his coat – oh, don't trouble about folding it up! – and why, why remove your gloves, when there is not a moment to be lost? Now, with many injunctions, he entrusts his watch to a bystander, who retires, overcome by emotion. And now – oh, gallant, heroic soul! – now he is sending his toy-terrier into the seething water! (Strainingeagerly forward.) Ah, the dog paddles bravely out – he has reached the spot … oh, he has passed it! – he is trying to catch a duck! Dog, dog, is this a time for pursuing ducks? At last he understands – he dives … he brings up – agony! a small tin cup! Again … this time, surely – what, only an old pot-hat!.. Oh, this dog is a fool! And still the Round Pond holds its dread secret! Once more … yes – no, yes, it is Timburina! Thank Heaven, she yet breathes! But Brunette? Can she have stuck in the mud at the bottom? Ha, she, too, is rescued – saved – ha-ha-ha! – saved, saved, saved!

[Swoons hysterically amid deafening applause

Enter Frank Manlysupporting Brunette, who carries Timburina.
Bl. (wildly). What, do I see you safe, beloved Brunette?
Br. Yes, thanks to his courage, I'm not even wet!
Frank (modestly). Nay, spare your compliments. To rescue Beauty,
When in distress, is every hero's duty!
Bl. Brunette, forgive – I'm cured of all my folly!
Br. (heartily). Of course I will, my dear, and so will dolly!

[Grand Trio and Step-dance, with "tippity-tappity," and "clickity-clack" refrain as finale.

vi. – COMING OF AGE

Our present Drama represents an attempt to illustrate upon the Music-hall stage the eternal truth that race will tell in the long run, despite – but, on second thoughts, it does not quite prove that, though it certainly shows the unerring accuracy of parental – at least, that is not exactly its tendency, either; and the fact is that Mr. Punch is more than a little mixed himself as to the precise theory which it is designed to enforce. He hopes, however, that, as a realistic study of Patrician life and manners, it will possess charms for a democratic audience.

COMING OF AGE

A GRAND SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGICAL COMEDY-DRAMA IN ONE ACT

Dramatis Personæ.

Scene —The Great Quadrangle of Hardbake Castle; banners, mottoes, decorations, &c. On the steps, r., the Earl, supported by his wife, son, and niece, is discovered in the act of concluding a speech to six tenantry, who display all the enthusiasm that is reasonably to be expected at nine-pence a night.

The Earl (patting Lord Bullsaye'sshoulder). I might say more, Gentlemen, in praise of my dear son, Lord Bullsaye, here – I might dwell on his extreme sweetness, his strongly marked character, the variety of his tastes, and the singular attraction he has for children of all ages – but I forbear. I will merely announce that on this day – the day he has selected for attaining his majority – he has gratified us all by plighting troth to his cousin, the Lady Rose Caramel, with whose dulcet and clinging disposition he has always possessed the greatest natural affinity. [Cheers.