Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas

Yeo-ho, my lads, ahoy!
With clockwork, sails, or spirits of wine,
Yeo-ho, my lads, ahoy!
I did respeckfully decline,
So I was left in port to pine,
Which wasn't azactually the line
Of a rollicking Sailor Boy, Yeo-ho!
Of a rollicking Sailor Bo-oy!

Yes, there was lots
Of boats and yachts,
Of timber and of tin, too;
But one and all
Was far too small
For a doll o' my size to get into
I was too big
On any brig
To ship without disas-ter,
And it wouldn't never do
When the cap'n and the crew
Were a set 'o little swabs all plaster!

    Chorus– So to navigate the Serpentine, &c.

An Ark is p'raps
The berth for chaps
As is fond o' Natural Hist'ry.
But I sez to Shem
And the rest o' them,
"How you get along at all's a myst'ry!
With a Wild Beast Show
Let loose below,
And four fe-males on deck too!
I never could agree
With your happy fami-lee,
And your lubberly ways I objeck to."

[Chorus. Hornpipe by the company, after which the Soldier Doll advances condescendingly to Miss Jenny.

The Sold. D. Invincible I'm reckoned by the Ladies,
But yield to you – though conquering my trade is!
Miss J. (repulsing him). Oh, go away, you great conceited thing, you!

    [The Sold. D. persists in offering her attentions.

Miss P. (watching them bitterly). To be deserted by one's doll does sting you!

    [The Sailor D. approaches.

The Sailor D. (to Miss P.) Let me console you, Miss, a Sailor Doll
As swears his 'art was ever true to Poll!

(N.B. —Good opportunity for Song here.)

Miss P. (indignantly to Miss J.) Your Sailor's teasing me to be his idol!
Do make him stop – (spitefully) – When you've quite done with my doll!
Miss J. (scornfully.) If you suppose I want your wretched warrior,
I'm sorry for you!
Miss P. I for you am sorrier.
Miss J. (weeping, r.). Polly preferred to me – what ignominy!
Miss P. (weeping, l.). My horrid Soldier jilting me for Jenny!

    [The two Dolls face one another, c.

Sailor D. (to Soldier D.). You've made her sluice her sky-lights now, you swab!
Soldier D. (to Sailor D.). As you have broke her heart, I'll break your nob! [Hits him.
Sailor D. (in a pale fury). This insult must be blotted out in bran!
Soldier D. (fiercely). Come on, I'll shed your sawdust – if I can!

    [Miss J. and P. throw themselves between the combatants.

Miss J. For any mess you make we shall be scolded,
So wait until a drugget we've unfolded!

    [They lay down drugget on Stage.
The Soldier D. (politely). No hurry, Miss, we don't object to waiting.
The Sailor D. (aside). His valour – like my own – 's evaporating!
(Defiantly to Soldier D.). On guard! You'll see how soon I'll run you through!
(Confidentially.) (If you will not prod me, I won't pink you.)
The Soldier D. Through your false kid my deadly blade I'll pass!
(Confidentially.) (Look here, old fellow, don't you be a hass!)

    [They exchange passes at a considerable distance.

The Sailor D. (aside). Don't lose your temper now!
Sold. D. Don't get excited.
Do keep a little farther off!
Sail. D. Delighted!

    [Wounds Soldier D. by misadventure.

Sold. D. (annoyed). There now, you've gone and made upon my wax a dent!
Sail. D. Excuse me, it was really quite an accident.
Sold. D. (savagely). Such clumsiness would irritate a saint!

    [Stabs Sailor Doll.

Miss J. and P. (imploringly). Oh, stop! the sight of sawdust turns us faint!

    [They drop into chairs, swooning.